WOW... I actually like my new home!

Soo, here I am at blogger now... I acutally like it. I like the fact that I can change my background whenever I feel like it. So far it has been easy to manuever around. Of course I still have some things to figure out but all in due time.

I was able to transfer all my AOL journal entries over here without any problems. I of course had to make my journal public to do the transfer but that is ok. I dont care who reads this anymore. In fact I dont think I will go private again. If any of my family members happen to come across this journal and read something about themselves ....well then that is their fault for being nosy. I am not going to hide just because someone might get their feelings hurt.

No school today again, due to the jewish holiday. Wow it's funny how schools are closed for every jewish holiday yet other than Xmas and Easter its open. Ohh well good thing about it is that I got to sleep in today. I dont work any days that schools are closed including weekends. Thats one of the good things about this job.

Ohh well let me go try to figure out this whole blogger thing. I still have to transfer my tag journal.
Thanks to those who care enough about me to follow me here.
Steph

Part 2

So the Library closed and I had to leave lol.... I took the kids to the library because they begged me to. Can you believe my kids love going to the library. To them its a hang out spot and they get a kick out of seeing all the new books. They each borrow about 4-5 books each(except my oldest he hates the library). They came out like me, I love to read. I been looking for a new author to get into. Any ideas?

Well so I think I left off telling you all that I had to step down from Deb's Stunning Designs. I really didnt want to because I loved being a major part in running the group and we have such a great group of woman. I am still a member though, so thats good. I just didnt have time to fully commit myself the way these ladies deserved. But Deb is an awesome owner and woman and she is holding it down all on her own.

I dont work weekends so I am able to stay at home with these kids which is great. We dont have to look and worry about paying a baby sitter.

I am extremely tired and at times I get frustrated when it seems like everything is piling up in the house. I still have to come home and help with HW and start dinner as well as clean up the mess we left in the morning. OOO the joys of being a woman huh?

I have been neglecting my tag journal(simply gorjuss creations) I have been making tags just havent been posting them. I have so many unseen tags sitting on photobucket right now. I might just post one a week and offer them up for requests. We'll see.

I recently got back into contact with one of best friends from yrs ago. She found me on Myspace. I was soo happy. I had searched for her but I never found her, and wouldnt you know she was going by her nickname DUHHH! So we have been talking over the phone and it makes me miss the days when I was younger. If only we could turn back the clock and appreciate the lives we had before we decided to become adults way before we should have.

She lives in Pennsylvania and will be coming to see me early October. I cant wait. The older obstacle is that she is coming with her with significant other who is a woman. I personally do not care about the fact that she is a lesbian. It does not bother me at all. I accept her for her she is and thats that. The only thing is that my children have never been around that situation and I am not sure if it would be ok to expose them to it in their home. They do know that they are gay people in the world, and they know not to discriminate, but is it different when its right in your face? My friend asked me if she could stay with us and I of course said yes, how could I say no? Now I am thinking if that was the right thing to do. One of my other friends who is bisexual told me that its not such a good idea. I know my friend would not disrespect my children in any way. So I am torn.

While we are on the friends topic, my neighbor (who lives above me) and I no longer speak to each other. I dont know what happened, but there was a few times that we would see each other and she wouldnt say hello to me. I always had to say hello first. I was getting tired of that, I mean we are friends we can acknowlege each mutually right? Well one day I went outside and she was sitting on the step with her daughters. They both said hello to me and I said hello back. This woman kept her face turned the entire time and did not look my way once. Welll you know what I didnt say shit to her. Since that day we have not spoken. I dont know if she had a problem with me before that but as a woman she should have said something. I just think she got to big headed for her own good and got used to people kissing her ass. She is about 15 yrs older than me and she is a Jamican woman and I of course do not have anything against them, but for some reason some of them tend to think that they are better than others. She did mention to me a few times that Carribean woman tend to dislike lighter woman of their own race as well as other races. So I dont know but whatever. I guess our friendship wasnt real.

I can continue but I have a headache so I am going to go lay down. To be continued.....

HUGS,

Steph

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Wow I have been MIA for mths!....

Wow, its been so long since I even looked at this journal. I have no excuses ... just the truth I lost all motivation for writing in here. It's not like I dont have anything to write about. So much crap has been going on since the last time I wrote. I just have been so lazy to write in here.

I am sitting here in the library with nothing to do, so I decided to try this out again.

Let's see if I can give you all a quick update since the last time I wrote her.

Finally the issue with Ben's bank account was taken care of. He ended up having to give them a chunk of what was in there. Then every mth thereafter he has to send them 100 dollars. As you can probably imagine I was not too happy about that. We definitely can not afford that extra hundred dollars but what can you do.

Issues with my landlord continue to plague my life. I dont if I ever mentioned here but she finally decided to give us a 2 yr lease. I was very happy about that because she couldnt raise our rent for 2 yrs. OR SO I THOUGHT. Even before I completed a full yr with this new lease she calls me up and says that she knows she gave me a 2 yr lease but that she regrets to tell me that she has no choice but to raise me an extra 50 dollars because her oil and gas bills were extremely high. You can not imagine how pissed I was! She told me that she would do me a favor and not charge me that 50 dollars until the winter mths. So that would be Nov thru March. A favor my ass. She knows what she is doing, because in June my 2 yrs are up and she will then be charging me that 50 dollars every mth if not more!

I know I have a lease and by law she is not allowed to do that, but she is using the guilt tactic on me. She tells me ohhh you know how understanding I have been with you guys when you are a week late with the rent. So I am torn. I am not sure yet what I am going to do.

My kids are all doing well, thank goodness. They are back in school. I transferred my 2 littlest ones to the school that is right around the corner from me. It is way easier to take them to school now. They love the new school. The teachers are younger and seem to actually like their jobs. They are not so hard with the HW, whereas in the old school the teachers would not do shit all day and the stock pile on HW to make up for it. They would literally give these kids more than 20 pages of HW in ONE BOOK!. My son would take hrs to do this hw. Now he is done within a hf hr -45 mins tops.

The only thing I dont like about this school is that they have open classrooms. At first I wasnt sure what this meant so they took me on a tour and what I saw was new to me. All the classes are in one big room and are only seperated by those seperations that they use to seperate offices...(ok now how many times did I use seperate lol.) There are no doors and you can hear each teacher talking to their students. They try and keep the noise level down, but I find it hard to believe that this is easy for them to do. So far my kids say that they are not distracted and that you can barely hear the other teachers. I hope that this doesnt affect their grades. We will see.

My daughter was having a hard time at first with these 2 little girls that in my opinion must have been jealous of her. They told her that she must be rich because of the way she dresses, sits and talks. UMMMM no we are not rich, but she was tought to have class, respect and morals. So these 2 little girls started a fight with her. But they underestimated my daughter. She may act and look all prissy but when someone bothers her and hits her she can defend her self. I did get to speak with one of the parents and thankfully she was not one of those ghetto parents. She actually talked respectfully and said that she would talk to her daughter. I also said I would talk to mine. The next day these 2 girls befriended my daughter. Her being who she is put all the drama to the side and she played with them. I am so proud of my child.

We finally got to go on vacation!! We went to Fort Lauderdale. We stood there for a week.  We were going to stay at a hotel but Ben's cousin lives out there and he insisted we stay with them. This was the first time I met him and his wife. I must say they are great people. They made us feel right at home. I was worried that we wouldnt talk and it would be awkward between us but everything just felt like if we had known each other for yrs. We went to the beach. It was gorgeous! The ocean was sooo clean and clear. The sand was white! BUT HOT! LOL.. At first I wasnt going to go in the water but Ben and the kids kept on bragging about how warm the water was. It was so hot outside the water that I said what the hell. I went in and it was just beautiful and the water was in fact warm. I stood there for hrs!

We went to Universal Studios. We had a great time there. We took so many pictures! I was surprised because I was expecting to wait hrs on the lines but they were pretty quick lines. The longest line was for the new Simpson's Ride. We waited on that line for about an hr and a half. But it was worth the wait. It was a very cute ride. We also hung out in the pool at the complex they live in. I am so jealous lol. I wish I lived in a place where I could go to the pool whenever I wanted.

While out there my daughter auditioned for this modeling company. She loved it. She actually walked down the runway. This was her first time doing something like this and can you believe she made it into the finals. We were so proud of her! For her finals she had to do a photoshoot and go up on the stage and perform. She decided that she wanted to sng Miley Cyrus's Girl's night out. She said she was soo nervous. BUT she did it. Now we had to wait for the judges to decide if she would win a contract with them.

It was going to take a few weeks. Well we recently got back her photos (they are gorgeous btw) lol and GUESS WHAT! She won a new face contract with them. I just have to sign the contract and mail it back. Before I do that though I am going to look into everything and make sure everything is legit. She is soo happy and excited. She is so good with the camera. As for my boys.... well they are boys lol and they are doing boy things. You know the video games and stuff like that. I am trying to find something for them to get involvedin but it's hard because we dont have a car  and everything is a pretty good distance away.

I have had to step down from being co-owner of Debs and Steph's Designs(which is now Debs Stunning Designs). The reason being that I have had to go back to work. Things were just getting too tight and I felt that I should at least help out a little more. I am no longer gettting the rental subsidy that I used to get.... well I do but they no longer give me 700 for rent they give me 400. Our rent is 1300 right now, so Ben was having to pay 900 plus all the bills whatever we needed for us and the house. It was getting real hard for him. So I am now working. It is not much but it helps out. I work from 9 till 2. I have weekends off.. which is good for me. I dont need to spend money on a baby sitter...

to be continued library is closing....

Still no money & no answers

     

Well we are still dealing with this mess with these people who put a hold on Ben's money. We have not heard from them since Friday. This is straight up ridiculous! Supposedly they wanted to settle this quickly. So quick that Ben has left tons of messages and no returns his calls. The bank says their hands are tied. Well weren't they the idiots who let someone else come and mess with his money? Now no one has answers. Ben asked them what was he supposed to do if this man never calls him back. Of course the bank did not know how to answer that question. All they said was that the hold is in effect until 2009 OR until he has 5,000 in the account. WTF he doesn't even owe them that much. I finally did get some papers in the mail about this "hold". Ben owes 2,700 in total. WOW all this for a 200.00 limit. Just freaking crazy.

Today I felt like I was going to lose it. Ben has direct deposit so we thought his pay check for tomorrow would get deposited. This of course would have been a nightmare since we already lost one paycheck. We would have had NO money at all and tons of bills piled high! I couldn't handle it if that were to happen. But thankfully when he called payroll they told him that his check will be mailed to him. TY Lord!

Friday is my son's birthday. I have no idea what I am going to do for him without any extra money to spare. We'll come up with something. We have to. I can not bear to see disappointment on my child's face.

Saturday my landlord is coming for her rent. Credit card bills are due again. Not including the ones that already bounced.

I just need a little more strength to get thru all of this. I can not afford to have a breakdown now.

 

Not only do I have to deal with drama in my outside life but its unreal that I have to deal with drama online as well. I never could understand how people get into arguments or drama with people over the internet. Now that it has happened to me personally I can see how.

Some just thrive on attention.. I dont know why I let this woman who seems to have tons of issues get to me. Ohh well as she stated God sees and hears everything. SO that person better watch out judgement doesn't come knocking at her own door.

 

Today my lil sis graduated from High School! She achieved something that neither I, my other sis or brother did. I am so very proud of her. I know it took a lot of work and not everyone makes it but she did. I remember when she was born. How much I adored that little girl. Now she is no longer a baby. Just thinking about her finally becoming a young woman and venturing out on her own brings tears to my eyes. I just wish I had the money to do something really special for her. All I can do is let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me.

Well that's about all for tonight. Ben should be here any minute and I need to heat up his dinner.

Hugs

Steph

 

 

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Conversation pt2

 

MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]:  they dont fix computers there
MommylilDevils [4:16 P.M.]:  and even if he sends to fix we still gotta pay that aint free like your camera wasnt free, it comes out of his pocket when it comes time for his bonus
MommylilDevils [4:16 P.M.]:  they charge him for it since he didnt charge the person
shorladysxy90 [4:17 P.M.]:  so what the hell u want to do give him the damn money since u throwing shit on my face
MommylilDevils [4:17 P.M.]:  i am telling you what the prob is
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]:  i am telling you that its messed up that now i have to pay for it or be without a laptop i am not blaming you
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]:  what im saying is that had it been me you and her would have been hounding me and calling me for the money to fix it
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]:  she wont step up to the plate and admit that she did something to mess it up without arguing
shorladysxy90 [4:19 P.M.]:  so if thats the way u feel about it than tell her
shorladysxy90 [4:20 P.M.]:  i don't know what else u want me to do. but i kinow the night before it was working
MommylilDevils [4:20 P.M.]:   dont even try to stick up for her
MommylilDevils [4:20 P.M.]:  she messed it up and thats it
MommylilDevils [4:21 P.M.]:  all i did was turn the thing on I didnt need the internet because I was chatting with my friend but when I was done I couldnt get on the internet it sure wasnt me
MommylilDevils [4:21 P.M.]:  anyway forget it because this is going to be a lost  cause
shorladysxy90 [4:21 P.M.]:  u just can't be down loading music like that that s why i don't let her do it on mines
shorladysxy90 [4:23 P.M.]:  i'm gonnna let her know that u upset about it
MommylilDevils [4:23 P.M.]:  dont let her nothing because i am not in the mood to hear her calling me cursing at me
MommylilDevils [4:24 P.M.]:  She should have come to me and said Steph something is wrong with it i dont know what I did but take it to get serveced and if there is something wrong with it I will pay for ir
MommylilDevils [4:24 P.M.]:  but instead she says she didnt do anything to it when she was the only one using it
shorladysxy90 [4:25 P.M.]:  i don't know to to tell u
shorladysxy90 [4:26 P.M.]:  just don't take it out on me cause i didn't do nothing to that laptop
shorladysxy90 signed off at 4:31 P.M.

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IM Converstation with my mother....Pt 1

*Had to edit the color from my moms side she used black which blended into my background

 MommylilDevils [3:58 P.M.]:  well i am pissed off too because now my laptop is messed up. it was working fine here now it dont  and it doesnt matter because no one gonna step up to the plate and say they did anything to it
MommylilDevils [3:59 P.M.]:  which is messed up because if it was me I would have gotten cursed out but now i have to figure out how to fix my own laptop that i didnt even mess up
shorladysxy90 [3:59 P.M.]:  well that don't got nothing to do with me
shorladysxy90 [4:00 P.M.]:  that's up to u and lulu
MommylilDevils [4:00 P.M.]:  of course everybody will say that .... ohh i didnt do it but nobody gonna have my back either but its all cool
shorladysxy90 [4:00 P.M.]:  i know u not blaming that on me now
MommylilDevils [4:01 P.M.]:  no what im saying is that nobody gonna care about it and nobody gonna say nothing because it has nothing to do with them
MommylilDevils [4:02 P.M.]:  i wouldve been told that i had to pay for it and shit she would have had you calling here telling me off
shorladysxy90 [4:02 P.M.]:  cause when i had it i gave back the same way u gave it to to even with a bag for it
shorladysxy90 [4:03 P.M.]:  well like i said is up to u and lulu u want to tell her to pay for it
MommylilDevils [4:04 P.M.]:  yea like if i tell her that she messed up it up she has to pay for it she aint gonna pay for shit and she gonna say that she didnt mess it up and start cursing all over the place like she always does
shorladysxy90 [4:04 P.M.]:  is that why ben aint talking to u
MommylilDevils [4:04 P.M.]:  i aint scared of her but i just dont have the energy for drama i am just not gonna lend no body nothing ever again lesson learned
shorladysxy90 [4:05 P.M.]:  so what u want from me
MommylilDevils [4:05 P.M.]:  she should feel bad because when I gave it to her it was working and when she gave it to me in clarks house it was not working is she gonna admit it no,
MommylilDevils [4:05 P.M.]:  thats probb why she gave it to me so easily
shorladysxy90 [4:06 P.M.]:  no cause it was working here the night before
MommylilDevils [4:06 P.M.]:  no it must have not been working
shorladysxy90 [4:06 P.M.]:  she took so she won't have to hear u scream about it
MommylilDevils [4:06 P.M.]:  because in clarks house it did not work at all and I had not even had it for an hr
MommylilDevils [4:07 P.M.]:  i couldnt do  nothing in clarks house , only check mail and chat
MommylilDevils [4:07 P.M.]:  no internet
shorladysxy90 [4:09 P.M.]:  so it was working
MommylilDevils [4:09 P.M.]:  just for mail and chatting.... what you mean it was working that aint workking
MommylilDevils [4:09 P.M.]:  she must have got a virus that is preventing it from going to the internet
shorladysxy90 [4:10 P.M.]:  well if that the way u feel than let the other one know
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]:  a computer is for you to go on the internet not just for mail and chatting
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]:  i already told her she says she didnt do nothing
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]:  like always i come out losing
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]:  its gonna cost me money to fix it and now i dont have a laptop
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]:  when it was just fine
shorladysxy90 [4:11 P.M.]:  well stephanie she should never lend it to her in the begin
MommylilDevils [4:11 P.M.]:  how many times i told her no
shorladysxy90 [4:11 P.M.]:  just keep me out of it
MommylilDevils [4:11 P.M.]:  how many times she continued to ask

MommylilDevils [4:12 P.M.]:  right but if i had did that to her you would have been calling me telling me to pay for it i cant be mad at you cause it wasnt your fault but now that its my stuff no one aint gonna defend me
shorladysxy90 [4:12 P.M.]:  cause i know when i get things from somebody else i always return the same way i got it
shorladysxy90 [4:14 P.M.]:  like i said what do u want me to tell her righht now she aint got a job to fix it
MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]:  whatever like i said its not gonna make a difference I already know what i have to do, just bring it back and thats it I am not lending no one nothing..even though now there aint nothing to lend nobody, nobody dont want nothing from me now that my stuff is messed up
shorladysxy90 [4:15 P.M.]:  she said she would take it to ben to see what he could do about it
MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]:  what can he do about it

Anger turns into utter sadness... (update)

 

 

Anger has just turned into pure sadness today.

Well it was a collection agency that went and put a hold on his account. They seen he had a substantial amount of money in there and then decided to act now. Basically they did not take his money. They can not that do that without taking him to court and suing him but they can put a freeze on it which would prevent him from being able to do anything with his money. Which they did do.. He owes about 3,000 for a card that only had a 200. limit on it.  So basically now he has to reach a settlement with them. He told them that he would be able to afford 50 a mth , they immediately rejected that offer! Then he told them fine I'll give you 100 a mth. Still they denied it!! Fucking assholes want him to give them 500.00 now and then 100 a mth! There is no way that he is going to do that. We need that money for bills and rent. They are going to have to accept something lower than that or take it to court. I am sure they do not want to wait that long. Yes he owes them and yes he should have paid a long time ago but like everyone else when you are living paycheck to paycheck you can not afford to give away one extra penny. But now that it has hit him in the ass he has no choice to pay it so why cant they accept what he is willing to offer? "Sigh" I dont know what to do say or think anymore. We are both really stressed about this. So much so that we are arguing with each other over stupid things. Life is just too hard sometimes. You try and try and always something comes up. He works his ass off, we help people, we give people whatever we could, we try to live life as honestly as we could, We are not expecting anyone to give us anything but dammm cant we catch a lil break every now and again. When is God going to look at us and say ok its time you guys to have a little luck in your lives.

 

 

 

Another thing that has me down is a couple of weeks ago I lent my sister my laptop. She asked me to borrow it, I said no and she continued to harass me until I said yes. Well last week Saturday she finally gives me the laptop back and guess what? There is something wrong with the shit. I used it to do Saturday's PSP Class and to check emails. After the PSP Class I tried to go onto myspace and it wouldn't go. Any site I tried to access wouldn't load at all. I emptied out the temporary internet files and cookies I restarted it. Nothing. Of course she swears she did not do anything to it. She refuses to pay for it to get fixed. I told her that it was working when I gave it to her and its not working now so who else could have messed it up???? Like always I get the short end of the stick. My fucking family always finds a way to screw me over. Had it been me that messed something of theirs up they would have been cursing me to the high heavens and demand that I either give them the money for it or pay to fix it. But since its my shit and no one cares two shits about my feelings it doesn't matter. Now I have to pay for my own laptop to get fixed when it wasn't me who caused the problem. I have no enery anymore to fight with anyone. It wouldn't solve anything anyway they are total idiots who disregard anyone else's feeling and no matter if I screamed and cried they still wouldn't pay for a thing.

What does my mother say about all this.??? "leave me out of it". But like I said had it be the other way around this lady would have been calling me every name in the book and demand that I give my sister her money. I am so done... I can not do this anymore. I can not deal with family like this. I can not take anymore bullshit. It is all so overwhelming that all I want to do is sit and cry.

My anxiety is worse and I just feel like I am going to snap.  I am dizzy all the time and of course feeling like I can not breathe. My bodyaches and every once in a while I get a bad headache. Lord how much more do you think I can handle? Why me? Why does my life have to be so difficult? Why do I have to have this problem with myself? I swear I could deal with all life's twists and turns if I didn't have to deal with this anxiety (or what they claim is anxiety). It makes it 10 times harder and 10 times just as stressful.

Who can I turn to for comfort. There is no one. No one who will understand where I am coming from because in order to fully understand you have to have went thru something like this or are currently experiencing something like this. Ben doesn't understand me, As much as he tries to he can't because he doesn't physically feel what I am going thru. I have not met one person who when I explain what I am feeling can look me in the eye and see Yes I feel like that too. I know how it feels.

Today I have done nothing, the kids wanted me to take them to this fair but I couldnt. I was scared to because I been feeling so dizzy and crap. Of course I cant tell them that. I dont want to scare them. SO they just think that I dont want to take them.

Anyway I can go on forever but I am not... I'll leave you with a real IM that I had with my mom about the laptop...I am going to add it to another entry because AOL says that I have exceeded the maximun amount of characters.... SIGH

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