Love and Time
Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.
Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.
When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"
Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,
Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."
I decided to post two stories today because I really don't have too much to write about....Its very ugly outside all rainy and cold...
I don't know why but there are just times when I wished that I was alone..I love my man, and I absolutley love my children no doubt about it but sometimes I feel like they drain all my evergy from me.
After I am done seeing to their needs and wants I am left with nothing for myself.
I feel guilty thinking or even talking about this..Am I selfish? Do I have the right to feel like this?
I do not have too many girlfriends because the friends I did have in high school
have different views of life..They hang out in clubs, smoke drink, and date many different men because they are not ready to commit. Out of all of us I was the one who settled down early and had children early...I still talk to a few on the phone but they can not comprehend what I am going through and I feel dumb even talking about anything because they look at me LIKE EWW YOUR LIFE IS TERRIBLE.
Then I have friends who are still so immature. They chose to bring children into the world but now they dont know how to take care of them the right way and this burns me up. DAMNN GROW UP YOUR KIDS COME FIRST! I have this one frined who would spend her last dollar on buying something for her to wear to a party and not care that the rest of the week her kids eat nothing but peanut butter on a spoon...WTF.
I have not yet met someone like myself who is content to just hang out with the kids...take the kids out..buy the kids something or just stay at home and talk or watch a movie.
My point in all this is that I do not get out too often without the kids and sometimes it take its toll on me. We all need our space and time to just dwell on ourselves and pamper ourselves for a change. It seems that this day never comes for me.. I dont know if its because there is never time nor money or if its me holding myslef back.
So right now im in kind of a funk...Tomorrow I'll probably feel better. Its been so long since Ben and I have been out together..like to the movies or a restuarant or something to that nature. We always have some bill or other to pay, But I am realizing that if you and your partner do not set time just the 2 of you then the realtionship goes sour or gets boring... I dont want this to happen to us.. We have been together going on 11 yrs and I know its time for us to change it up.
I love this man with all my heart he has been there with me through thick and thin, jumping through all these hurdles that have been placed in front of us.
I havent wrote this particular entry yet because I did not know where to begin... I did not want people to judge me..or think negative about me.... But you know what I dont care what people think because until they walk a day in my life and see all that I went through , then thats when their opinion would mean something to me.
Ben is not the father of my 2 oldest children.
When I met Ben my oldest child was 1 yr and 5 mths and I was 2 mths pregnant.( I did not even know I was pregnant when I met him).
My cousin introduced us and at first I was not attracted to him. I told my cousin he was not my taste.. Not too long after I met him.. I went to the hospital because my period would not go away and I was having it for 2 weeks now.. So I go to Er they take a pregnancy test which I couldnt understand why because if I'm telling them that I have had my period for 2 weeks then obviously I can not be pregnant. Test came back POSITIVE.. I was speechless.. How?? OMG what do I do... Dr explains to me that they think that I am going to miscarry.
I go home and I am thinking My goodness I am pregnant and I didnt even know.. I was scared.. I didnt have anyone to turn to..The father of the child was not in the picture because I found out that he was cheating on a girlfriend of 4 yrs with me..( I didnt know he had a girlfriend..ANd how the hell he had a girlfriend when he was with me all the time was beyond me but we all know that men have their ways)...So I say well God must know that I am not ready to have another child. Another 2 weeks passed and I am still pregnant and still bleeding and Drs are telling me that baby is healthy and cervix is closed..They cant explain why I am bleeding... So now I need to make a decision Am I going to have this baby and be a single mommy to 2 babies... I make my decision .. I came to the conclusion that Ican not have the baby.. I make an appt for a termination..And guess who I call to come with me.. Ben the guy that I only know for 1 mth.. Ben the guy who I was not attracted to ... I'm thinking he is going to send me to hell.. But do you know that he agreed to come with me.. and all the way over to the place he is telling me to keep the baby ..he is telling me that he will be there for me ane help me.
I can not believe a person I just met ..a person that knew that we were only going to be friends nothing more was willing to stand by my side....Anyway we get to the place and I get to the point to where they are doing a sonogram to see where the baby is and how far along I am... I was able to see the screen and I seen this tiny little baby just floating in there and its little heart beating... and I am think ing this baby is a fighter this baby is by all means supposed to miscarry but here it is still hanging in there all safe and comfortable and I couldnt do it.. I couldnt not give this baby a chance.. If it was willing to fight to survive who am I to come and end it's life... So I left and by the grce of the lord and Ben's love and willingness to help 71/2 mths later my baby boy J was born and he weighed a whpooing 10 pds 5 ozs. He was a beautiful baby boy and I thank God that he sent me an angel like Ben becasue without him my baby boy would not be here.
Ben was the one carrying my 1st son D all over when I couldnt..Ben was the one changing D's diapers and making D's bottles so that I could rest..Ben was the one who gave my son a father figure when before he had none.. My son D loved Ben so much that Ben had to take him where ever he went or D would have a tantrum. Seeing all the love and compassion that Ben gave my son D and my unborn child was what made me fall in love with him... If this man was willing to care for and love my children unconditionally then this was the man I needed in my life. He was willing to give my unborn child his last name and be the father that I was sure my children would never have.
Up to this day Ben is my son's father... They love , respect and adore this guy. He loves them so much like they were made from his seed. There is nothing that he wouldnt do for them... My oldest child knows noone else as his dad (I know this will cost me in the future)He believes that Ben is his biological father.. I did not want him growing up with a void in his life because he did not have a father ..My son knows no one else but Ben and his biological father could care less about my son. As for my middle son his father decided to pop up the week before I gave birth to him and decided that he wanted to be a part of his life.. Even though I know I hurt Ben a whole lot I could not take this oppurtunity away from my son..At least one of them can know who their real father is. My first son did not have this opportunity His father is a complete jerkoff but J's father even though he is not always there but anytime J needs something he never says no. But Ben is Daddy..Ben is the one who did night time feedings..Ben did diaper changes..Ben taught them how to walk, talk, and play.. Ben is their role model and NO ONE will ever take that away. Just because you make a baby and become a father does NOT make you a Daddy!
Ben and I now have a beautiful daughter together. There is no difference between them, He treats them all the same and disiplines them all the same( I was nervous about that). I could not ask for a better Man, Friend,Lover, Provider and Father. I thank God every day that he sent me someone like Ben. There is more to this story but I did now want to overwhelm anyone with a novel, So I will make another entry each day so you guys can understand a little more.
I know you some of you reading this journal might be thinking that I am some kind of person who sleeps around..But please before you make that judgement upon understand that NO I did not sleep around with different men I just happened to fall in love with idiots who didnt know the meaning of Love and who could not commit to just me, But who both gave me something beautiful and worthwhile. I am thankful that I am with neither one of them because they are both assholes who up to this day yrs later still can not be with just one woman, and also because I would have not met my soul mate the man I am destined to be with.
On to a different note if you noticed an infant in the pics above ..That is my Beautiful niece Gabriella who was born on Sept 29th and who weighed 7 pds 4 ozs. That is her daddy my brother holding her.
Well ya'll have a goodnight and take care...
P.s. I will not be posting anymore graphics because I still have not learned how to download them onto my computer and use my own server to upload them to my journal... and I do not want to be accused of bandwith theft....So I am sad about that... I am trying to buy a program so that I can create my own graphics so we'll see how that goes....Nighty Nite
Goodnight and Take Care All....
When my sister in law came to my house last year telling me that she couldnt miss Grey's Anatomy Season 2's finale I was thinking what the hell is she talking about???
m soo pissed right now at Ben!!!! Why do guys have to be such morons??
