AHHHH! FRIDAY THE 13TH....

OMG..... It's Friday the 13th I dont exactly believe in this stuff ...BUT I can't help but be a lil hesitant to go outside LOL.....

I have bad luck on a normal day IMAGINE today LOL LOL..... OHH WELL I will just be extra careful.. just in case there is a such thing!: A bit of advice: See a black cat cross the street...DO NOT walk under a ladder and PLEASE PLEEASEE be careful with those mirrors ladies (LOL J/J).

On a more serios note I wasnt sure if I was going to put this in more journal but when I made this journal I made a rule that I was not going to withhold anything becasuse after all this journal is like my outlet to let loose everything I hold inside..

I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion so I am ready for any kind of comment that might be left in here.... (I am also entitled to respond back to any negative comments) ANYWAY

July of this year I found out that I was pregnant( NOO we were not trying and NO we don't use condoms  we use the old fashioned methood which would be the Pull-out method) I guess this time it didn't work.... Of course while taking the pregnancy test alot of things both negative and postive were racing through my mind..Such as MY GOD ANOTHER ONE... are we ready ..can we afford another one .. Will my baby be healthy since I have been taking Zoloft..WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY>..4!     SO on and on.. Positive thoughts were AWW another lil one...How nice it would be for us and the children...because now that the children are older they can appreciate a newborn in the house (THEY LOVE BABIES).. I hope it's a girl so that I can have my 2 pairs... I get to start all over again and buy Baby stuff(I work at BABIES R US) SOO you know I am ready to start buying HEHEHE..... AnywAYS...  After 5 longgggggg mins I see 2 lines..OH MY GOD we're PREGNANT.. I call Ben at work and let him know the news and I sense some happiness in his voice so that makes me feel better..I ask him are we ready for this and he says" Together we are and I will be ok with whatever you decide"..

So my mind is made up.. I know it has been prob about 10 mins and I am making a life altering decision and I know alot of people would say WHY .. (especially my family) But I want it!  You guys can not know how happy I was... I immediately get online and figure out how far along I am and how my baby looks even though yea I have 3 already but my last baby is 6 yrs old and it's so exciting to know that there is something growing inside of me.... I find out that I am about 6 weeks along YAYYY But still a long wayssss to go...

I schedule an appt for the doctor and the only date they have available at the time is for Sept 8th... Ok Ok I think I can wait ..... 

SO I go about my normal rountine Ben and I are alreay making plans ..thinking of names I am picking out the stuff that I want for the baby...and BOY am I being spoilied by my man HEHEHE..I mentioned before I work at BB"S R US and I work in the furniture dept so I am responsible for making special orders on cribs and such as well as bringing them down to the guest when their merchandise comes in..Now here and I am pregnant but I still have to do my job.. So I try my best not to lift really heavy things leaving most of that for the guys that I work..As of yet I have not told anyone in my job becuase once again I do not want to be judged about how many children I have.... about 8 weeks into the pregnany one day at work I noticed when I went to the bathroom that I was spotting  nothing major just a lil bit when I wiped and not a bright red ..SO tI wasn't too concerned we all know that this is normal is some pregnancies...  and it was only for that day..... another week goes by I notice again the same thing Ok Now I am a lil worried so I mention it to Ben and he tells assures me that its fineI shouldnt be too concerned because once again it's lite and it last just for 1 day......I already signed up at baby center.com for weekly email updates to show my what stage of pregnancy I am in and what my baby looks like now  ..its like I am obsessed with this baby.....Sept 8th is almost here I can't wait! Im thinking to myself I can't wait till 16 weeks to find out what it is and so that I can start showing and feeling the baby move.... Around the ending I Aug. I start experiencing painful urination so I say OK I have a URI(URINARY TRACT INFECTION) which is coomon for pregnant women.. I think I can wait till the 8th for my appt to see a docter.. But I couldn't it just started getting bothersome as I had the feeling to pee but when I want to use the bathroom there was nothing coming out and this get very annyoing so I tell my husband lets go to the ER just so they can treat the URI and maybe they will give me an ultrasound if I tell them that I have been spotting(I was dying to see the baby) So we go about an hour later the doctor calls me starts asking question and when we get to the question.."HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?.. I SAY 3..her response is 3 WOW ARE YOU READY FOR A 4TH I MEAN 4 IS A LOT AND CHILDREN ARE NOT CHEAP ..ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING AHEAD WITH THIS PREGNANCY ..I say "YES I AM she says " WELL I AM ABOUT YOUR AGE AND I HAVE NO CHILDREN MAYBE AFTER THIS ONE YOU SHOULD HAVE YOUR TUBES TIED...IM LIKE B#@&* DONT TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULDNT DO. ...I TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS THEY HAVW WHAT THEY NEED AND EVEN WHAT THEY DONT NEED AND YES I AM WITH THE MY BABY'S DADDY !

So anyways.... She says she is going to send me upstairs to labor and delivery so that the ob docter can examine becaue of the spotting she is worried that it can be an ectopic pregnany(GOD PLEASE NO) so I am go up and I wait and wait .... I hear him tell the lady next to me that her baby is fine and moving around a whole lot (HE DID A SONOGRAMON HER SO THAT MEAN I AM GETTING ONE TOO YAY!!!)

Fianlly it's my turn he examines me vaginally good news my cervix is closed and I am not bleeding..so he decides to do sonogram..we estimate that about now I am 101/2 weeks .. so my baby definitely can be seen on the screen...So he does a transvaginalultrasound because I'm still earky and he wants to get a good look....SOOO I wait and wait and he is going around and around looking and looking not tellling me anything... he start talking to his assistant and I hear something like do you see the sac? and she says YES I DO .. I FINALLYU COULDNT STAY SHUT ANYMORE AND I ASK WHATS WRONG HE SAYS UMMMM WE SAY A SAC BUT WE DONT SEE AN EMBRYO IN THE SAC.. AND YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE ABOUT 10 WEEKS ALONG AND AT THIS TIME WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE SOMETHING ..COULD IT BE POSSIBLE THAT YOU ARE WORNG ABOUT THE DATES AND YOU ARE VERY EARLY IN THE PREGNANCY... I SAY NOOOO I KNOW WHEN MY LAST PERIOD WAS.. MY EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING WILD NOW AND I DONT WANT TO CRY IN FRONT OF THEM.... HE SAYS WELL THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO IS LOOK AT YOUR BLOOD RESULTS FROM EARLIER REDO THEM AND SEE IF THE HORMONE LEVELS HAVE GONE UP INSTEAD OF DOWN BECAUSE IN A NORMAL PREGNANCY THE HORMONES GET HIGHER AND HIGHER....I AM NUMB RIGHT NOW..I CAME IN HERE TO GET TREATED FOR A URI I WASNT SUPPOSED TO COME HERE AND HEAR THISS WHY ME??? HOW COME MY BABY CANT BE FINE LIKE THE GIRL NEXT TO ME HOW COME MY BABY IS NOT MOVING....ALL I WANT IS MY HUSBAND I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND ACT LIKE THIS NEVER  HAPPENED ..MY BABY IS FINE I KNOW IT IS..IT HAS TO BE! I DONT KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO TELL HIM .. I KNOW HE WILL BE SOOO DISAPOINTED..HE WAS SOO HAPPY WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY??? HOW DO I WALK OUT OF HERE KNOWING WHAT I KNOW????....

The Docter tells me its going to be awhile before the  test results are in..he asks me if I want to go wait in the waiting room with my husband..I Thats not what I want I want my baby to be ok....But what can he do..so I walk outside and THANK GOD it's empty except for Ben..because the minute I see him I break down and he's like what?? what's the matter... I tell its bad news.... I tell him they don;t see the baby and he says what you mean?? I tellhim they did the sonogram and the SAC is empty when the baby shoulld be there!!! He looks shocked and heartbroken... Are they sure he asks.. I tell him well they are waiting for the blood results to come in before they give me an answer....All he does is hugs me while I cry my eyes out...asking myself over and over WHY.. HOW...?... We wait awhile so finally I go inside and I ask what's taking so long..Docter says it's going to be a few hrs if I want to go home and come in the morning for a more thourough sonodram and the blood results.. I see fiine.. I ask him IS IT MY FAULT DID I DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.. HE SAYS NOOO HE SAYS THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL SPONTANEOUS MISCARRIAGE AND HOD I NOT COME IN FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN UNTIL I STARTED TO BLEED HEAVILY....I STILL AM NOT ASSURED.

SO THE NEXT MORNING MY HUSBAND AND I GO IN.. I AM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE PRAYING THAT THE STUPID MACHINE WAS DEFECTIVE..THEY CALL MY NAME..I GO IN LADY IS REALLY NICE ..SHE DOES BOTH VAGINAL AND REGULAR Ultra sounds... Basically ITS BAD NEWS ..SHE SEES THE SAC AND A FETAL POLE BUT SHE HEARS NO HEARTBEAT  AND AT 101/2 WEEKS SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HEAR ONE... THIS TIME I DONT CRY I JUST DEAL WITH THIS NEWS AND TRY TO BE STRONG...THEY GIVE ME A PAPER TO GIVE TO THE DR AND SHE EXPLAINS TO ME THAT MY BABY DIED AT 6/2 WEEKS OLD .. SO I Ask IF IT DIED THAT LONG AGO HOW COME I'M STILL Pregnant AND SHE ANSWERS SOMETIMES IT Doesn't EXPEL ITSELF FOR AWHILE BUT THAT I COULD CHOOSE TO GO AHEAD WITH A D AND C.. OR I COULD WAIT TILL NATURE TAKES ITS COURSE AND IT COMES OUT ON ITS OWN..BUT EVEN THEN I MAY STILL NEED A D AND C BECAUSE ALL OF IT MAY NOT COME OUT.....I TALK IT OVer" WITH BEN AND BASICALLY I DECIDE TO GO AHEAD AND DO THE D AND C (SOME PEOPLE MAY NOT AGREE WITH ME)..I DECIDE TO DO THIS BECAUSE I CAN NOT STAND KNOWING THAT MY BABY IS THERE BUT IS DEAD ..ALSO WHAT ABOUT IF  I AM WORKING OR HOME ALONE WITH THE KIDS AND IT HAPPENS AND LASTLY BECAUSE ITS NOT A Guarantee THAT IT WILL ALL COME OUT AND I Will HAVE TO DO IT ANYWAY.. SO WE SCHEDULE IT FOR 2 DAYS LATER...

CAN YOU Believe THAT THAT NIGHT I STARTED TO BLEED AND THIS TIME IT WAS BRIGHT RED A LIL MORE HEAVIER.... ANDDD ALSO THERE IS NO MORE PAINFUL URINATION EVEN THOUGH I Wasn't EVEN TREATED FOR IT... WAS THIS GOD INTERVENING ...DID HE LEAD ME TO ER SO THAT I COULD FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOING ON?????

FRIDAY COMES I GO AND I AM SOO NERVOUS Because THEY HAVE TO PUT ME TO SLEEP AND I REALLY DONT WANT TO GO UNDER.. I AM SOO SCARED THAT I WONT WAKE UP...I TELL THEM Everything EVEN MY ABNORMAL EKG SO THEY DO ONE THERE AND THEY DETERMINE THAT I CAN STILL GO THROUGH THE PROCEDURE.... THEY ALSO TELL ME THAT I MAY NEED A BREATHING TUBE OMG THIS IS THE LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR......OK SO WE GO TO OPERATING ROOM AND THE LAST THING I REMEMBER IS HIM PUTTING TH GAS MASK ON MY FACE AND ME WAKING UP IN THE RECOVERY ROOM AND MY TONGUE HURTING SOOO BAD..I ASK THE NURSE "WHY DOES MY TONGUE HURT" AND SHE TELLS ME THAT THE DR SAID THAT THEY DID HAVE TO INSET THE BREATHING TUBE I ASK WHY SHE SAYS SHE DOESNT KNOW FOR ME TO ASK THE DR BUT HE NEVER SHOWS....

So it's time to go home and I feel so empty inside...Ben says we're young we can try again but I don't want to try again(we didnt try the 1st time) I dont want to start all over again... And up to this day I still get those damn weekly updates from baby center and it hurts so bad....Just this Sunday I received one that said Congratulations you are now 16 weeks! It just broke me heart because had my baby still been here I would have been finding out the sex right about this time.

Just this week my monthly visitor came down.... and it makes me so depressed to see it there.... But with the faith that the Lord knows why these things happen and maybe He thought it wasn't the right time.. I go on ... that and my 3 beautiful children who are here and need me... My wonderful man who is there by my side for anything... I go on...

I don't know if I will ever try again or if it will just happen...I see pregnant women and I am soo jealous I think people like my sister in law who is currently 7 mths pregnant . She didnt want the baby because her daughter is only 9 ths now and they are exactly 1 yr apart..I think about them and think Lord why me( I know that's evil thinking but I cant help it).

I dont know if I will ever get over this but hopefully one day it dosnt bother me as much as it does now.

 

As for what I have done today nothing much .. I have to work later on.. and that reminds me I have to update on my job...Maybe tonight.....

I am dying for some extra money so that I can go shopping.  I need some heavier curtains for the bedrooms because it's getting colder and right now I have sheers in the rooms.

Halloween is alomst here and I am debating whether or not to buy my kids costumes... They dont go Trick Or Treating .. We usually go to a Halloween Party.. I don't even know what they want to be.

Then Xmas is almost here GEEZZZ it came so fast!!!

This year I told my children Santa is NOT going crazy on them! ...You see usually my husband and I buy them each about 5 presents each and not cheap either(PSP"S GAMEBOYS, and for my daughter practically the whole Disney Princess collection) But NO NO NO not this year they are getting about 1-2 things each within moderate pricing... They are not appreciative of their stuff and get easily bored with it and push it to the side never to play with it again nomatter if we just spent 80.00 on the crap.

Anyway this is it FOR NOW I WILL BE BACK LOL..

Gotta go get the brats from school and get ready for work...Later Girlz