Am I good Mommy????

Caution: This entry might be long and a little too emotional for some people so I wont mind if you do not wish to read on...

I don't know how to feel right,  there are so many different emotions going through me at the moment...

I don't know if it's guilt, despair, scared, or just plain sadness.  In an older entry I had explained that I decided to take my oldest child to a psychologist because of a couple of concerns that I had about him.

I find that at times he is too withdrawn... like he doesnt let himself go, he doesnt relax and just be a child.

Like there are times when we go to the park and I see in his eyes that he soo much wants to go and play with the other kids but its like he doesnt know how he doesnt dare bring himself to play with them and have fun.  He is quiet always wants to be alone .....

I also notice that he gets really anxious over certain things.... and what concerns me the most is that at times I hear him talking to himself and when I ask him who is he talking to, He tells me that he has an imaginary friend....But at 10 yrs old ? Is is healthy?

So we went to the therapist yesterday and He tells me that he thinks my son may have Social anxiety and that the reason he made up an imaginary friend is because he feels lonely.

I always tell my son that he can come talk to me anytime, about anything...... So how come he feels like he can't??

I feel like maybe I caused him to have social anxiety because being that he was my 1st baby..I spoiled him soo much and was sooo very overprotective of him.... I really didnt let him explore things as a child because I was scared he would get hurt and I just wanted to protect him...So now that he is older he doesnt know how to let himself go because of me.

Or maybe he just inherited anxiety from me... I suffer from anxiety panic attacks disorder but it is not social anxiety it is more Generalized Anxiety I worry about anything and everything. I myself and very shy and really don't know who to let myself relax and by myself around peoplebecause I feel people are always judging me.

So did I do this to my son?? I cant bear to think that somehow I caused my son to go through this..If I could turn back the clock I swear that I would raise him differently... I wish that I was overbearing and overprotective and always coddling him and not let him see and learn things for himself it was like I was always trying to protect him and by doing this I may have made it worse.

The Dr says that after more observation he thinks that perhaps my son might need medication for the anxiety....I dont really want to put my son on meds...But if I say no am I going to destroy his future? I dont want him to grow up  feeling like this I want him to be able to grow up and enjoy hmself and be happy.

Don't get me wrong he is not walking around all depressed... He is a great child.. He has friends and he can at times let himself be a child.

It's just at times he will close up...

Ever since he was little he was somewhat a perfectionist he always had to do everything right and proper or else he would start crying and I would try to explain to him that it was ok if he got 2 questions wrong on his test , it was ok if he didnt know how to draw too well, It was ok if he didnt know a certain word but for him it wasnt ok. He comes home and he wont do anything before he finishes his Hw and I know many parents would say Girl be happy he even does his Hw but for me its like he puts too much pressure on himself.

He is soooo smart...He gets 4's on  City and State exams.  I have been told that I should put him in a Gifted School. He is soo loving and caring most of the time...He's all in all a great kid like I dont have problems with him disrespecting me , curisng me out or trying to hit me (although at times like any other normal kid they tend not to like when things dont go their way and they catch a tantrun) But what I'm tryingto say is that he is not a wild child that I can not handle.

He gets angry and he wont say a word to anyone I will ask him over and over whats wrong (unless he has done something wrong and I have disciplined him then I already know whats his problem and I just let him get it out his system ) and he will just sit there with his fists clenched just crying , and then when its out of his system then he will come to me hug me and tell me he loves me...My other children will talk to me and let me know whats wrong with them....

So what am I doing wrong or what did I do wrong??? How can I fix it for him??? I need to do something to make it ok for him! I dont want to see my child suffer and be an outcast because he cant let himself go around people.

Then The Dr asks about his fathers mental history and I had to explain to him that I know nothing about this guy's family history. I have not spoken to this guy in alost 10 yrs and so how should I know whats going on with his family...( I wish I had never met the asshole!) So now what do I do try and contact him and ask him if he ahs anyone with a mental illness in his family?? I dont want him to know anything that is going on with my son..He doesnt deserve to know and he would probably say something stupid anyway..

So this is what has been on my mind all last night and this morning.    Its tearing my up inside.... I love my son soooo much and I cant bear knowing that something might be wrong and that he may have to take meds..

I know this entry has been long and emotional so I wouldnt mind if you guys just skipped it but I just needed to get it out even if its just on this journal because I feel like my chest and head is going to explode.

I just pray that with therapy my son will feel better..I  hope that just by talking about his feelings and having a Dr explain things to him that he will realize that he can be a child , he does have people around for him  to talk to..and that its nothing really bad.

Its soo hard to be a parent sometimes.......

Ok I will stop on this topic for now...I'll be back later with something on a more happier note...