Now I just sit and wait......

                                        

 

 

Soooo I finally got all the test done. The only thing to do now is sit and wait for the results. It just doesnt make sense that they give me an appt to actually speak with a cardiologist so that he can give me the results all the way on Jan 29th. So that means if something were wrong with me I wouldnt know nothing until a about a mth and a half from now! Unbelievable!

 

I am just trying to remain calm. I'm also trying to think positive, that there is nothing wrong. Thats the only thing to do because otherwise I would just go crazy.

 

I finally had it out with my landlady... She just got me to my last nerve and as much as I was trying to let her slide and not say anything I just couldnt keep quiet anymore. Last straw was when my mom in law  told me that my landlady called her and told her "Is this a game Steph and Ben are trying to play with me.  I am annoyed that I have been calling them over and over and leaving messages and no one is returning my calls. I MUST speak to someone in that house. What the F*&^$ is her problem ?  Are we supposed to drop whatever we are doing to call her back just so that she can hear our voice??  So I called her and I gave her a piece of my mind. I let her know that NOOO we are not playing games with her and that she knew us long enough to know that we are not like that!! I also let her know that I was not feeeling well at all to sit and play her games and that I DID NOT appreciate her calling everyone in the damn building to ask them if they knew where I was. I also let her know that NO I did not have to call her once a week just to let her know what was going on. We have lives of our own that unfortunaltely DO not revolvearound her. Her response was "BUT you know that I love you like my daughter and that I just want to find out if everything was ok with you and what would you do in my situation?? I told her that I would assume that something was going on that the people were busy and that they would call back as soon as they wanted to. I wouldnt go hunting them down becuase that it very disrespectful. If she loved me like such a daughter why did she tell my mother in law "Well let them know that their rent is due and that I need it..... That was the reason why she was calling, it wasnt because she wanted to know how I was... I dont want to hear that. SO I put her in place and I let her know for future times that if she calls and I do not answer then she just has to sit and wait till I give her a call back whether it be tomorrow , next week, or next mth!!

 

I know my entries have been boring lately , LOL, I apologize but nothing  really exciting has happened lately. I am planning on putting my Xmas tree. Maybe that will bring the holiday spirit out in us.

Kiddies are doing fine Thank God! I am still taking my son to the Pyshcologist. He is just now starting to open up. SO hopefully we will get to the core of his issues. Do you think children tend to make things up to see what kind of reaction they can get from their parents?? At what age should children let their imaginary friends go??

 

Ben and I are doing fine .... though we havent been intimate for a about a mth now. I feel so bad but I just cant get myself to be in the mood. Worrying about myself I am neglecting him. He doesnt say anything but I know it bothers him everytime he goes to touch me and I turn away. I pray that we can get through this and that I start to be myself again or else I think that I will lose him. I mean how much can a person take??

 

Well this is going to be it for now...since I made this entry early I may be back later with another.

                                        

Depends on who's hand it's in.....

 

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

 

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.

 

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.

 

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.

It depends whose hands it's in.

 

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

 

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

 

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.

This message is now in your hands.
What will YOU do with it?

It Depends on WHO'S Hands it's in!!

http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/

Hooked up!

 

 

So today was the day.  I got kiddies ready for school and Ben dropped them off.  I then got ready and we were out the house by 9:15am.  It took us about an hr to get there , by this time I am nervous and my mind is once again playing tricks with me. We got there I registered and was told to have a seat and wait. I tried to remain as calm as I can because it is taking all of my will power not to run to the first emergency room so that a doctor can check me out.  About 45 mins my name was called I was surprised I expected to have to wait hrs.  A nurse brings me to a small room and there she proceeds to ask me questions about my cardiac history.  She then explains to me what the holter is all about and how the only thiing I was able to do today was take a shower. I told her I already knew as this was the second time I had one of these hooked up to me the first time being six years ago.. 3 mins later I was hooked. I felt vulnerable, like people would stare at me and think that I was some kind of freak walking around with a big ole machine on me. I tried my best to conceal it I put it under my shirt and then buttoned my jacket up all the way..you couldnt see it , all you could see was that a bulge was under my jacket.  I think I am starting to feel better with the whole breathing thing but its like I am obsessed with my breathing. the first thing I think about when I wake up is my breathing and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is my breathing! and all day in between. It's like breathing tires me out and I getting so tired of having to do it. (what the hell is wrong with me right??) I look at other people and I am envious that they are breathing and going about their daily lives like nothing..I want to be like that, I want to one day wake up and go about my day without worrying about my health and imagining that I have every illness out there.  On the outside I look so normal you wouldnt even be able to tell that anyhting was wrong but on the inside I am losing it.  I feel so bad for Ben and my children. I can not give them my all.

 

Tomorrow I go to remove this and then I will have an Echo and EkGdone.  The bad thing about it is that I will not get the results until the ending of January because that is the next available appt to see the cardiologist that sucks! because what it something were seriously wrong? I mean that doesnt make any sense.

As for other news my landlady is freaking losing her damn mind!! She has been calling me like for a week straight and I have not picked up becuase I dont feel like dealing with her while feeling like this. SOOOOO she decides to harass. She must have called my house over 50 times and Bens cell phone over 25 times NO LIE!  We dont have time for her. You think she would jsut stop calling and wait till she recieves a call from us right??? WRONG.  She decides to start calling my neighbors to ask them if any of them have seen or heard from me WTF!! Is she serious??? I cant believe she would call everyone in the damn building just to get in contact with me. Wht the hell can be sooo important that she needs to track me down !! UNF^%#@*BELIEVABLE!!!  She even sent her handy man over here to knock on my door to see if I was here. I told him to let her know that I was not feeling well and when I wanted to I would give her a call.  She is a freaking stalker and she says its becuase she sees my like her daughter and she worries about me alright I can understand that part but then dont switch it up when its convenient to her becuase when it has to do with her rent and raising it and shit she goes back to being my landlady right?? and another thing if we are so much like family then why the hell does she make it a point that we call her MRS So and So Huh?? I dont go around calling my mother Mrs Nieves.

 

Its sad because usually X-mas is my favorite time of year. I would get soo excited to put my treee up and buy gifts just to see the look on my babies faces. I find myself not being excited right now because I am wasting my time worrying about myself. I pray that I snap out of it in time so I can give my babies an  Xmas that they can remember.

 

I just wanted to thank GeminiLox I believe her screename is for leaving a comment to let me know that she understands what I am feeling. It does help to know that there are other people out there who can relate and who know what I am going through. Gemini if you have a journal yourself please leave a link this way I can return the visit Thanx :)...I hope there are more people who are going throught this read my journal, maybe we can start something and it will help us overcome this dreadful thing we are dealing with.

Well all Goodnight and Take Care......

Isn't today the 28th??

 

 

I'm starting to feel a lil better but I still cant shake this feeling that I am not breathing right.  When my mind is occupied I don't think about it at all but when I am not doing anything, just sitting around thats all I can think about! Its like I am obsessed with my breathing.  I am so tense right ...I am soo worried about God what if something happens to me what will happen to my babies will they be able to live without me??, Who is going to take care of them the way I do?... Who is going to spoil them the way I do?  What if they cant get over not having a mommy and then grow up to be drug addicts or bums I CANT BEAR THE THOUGHT!!!  I know that they will have their father but how would he manage with 3 kids on their own??... How will he work and be able to afford taking care of them and the bills? I know my mother will definitley take the kids but then again could she even handle and take care of them?? Its been a long time since she was a parent to a child and sometimes she can be over the top , too strong with them.  God why do I have to feel like this ?? Why cant I be normal like everyone else??

I went today to the hospital because I had an appointment so that I can get a heart monitor put on for 24 hrs. I had my sister meet me because I was too scared to go alone..... I get there only for the lady to look at me and ask "Why don't I have you on my list? I tell her "I dont know but you gave me an appt today... I take out the papers she gave me the other day and I showed it to her and I say " See today is the 28th the date of the appt you gave me ...She looks up and says "Uhh Sweetie today is the 27th see you tomorrow!  I could not believe it !!! I went all the way down there for nothing. My sister found it very amusing that I could get my days mixed up.... I didnt find it amusing at all since I wasted money going out there and it was a 2 bus ride! But what I am gonna do?  So tomorrow I go, the good thing is that Ben has the day off so he would be able to go.  I feel so uncapable of doing  anything.  I feel like I am putting so much on Ben's shoulders and one day he is going to get soo tired of it one day and just walk out.. I feel hopeless like I am going to be like thisforever..The last time that I had a full blown panic attack was about 5-6 yrs ago and I feel one coming on, I can't control it. I feel like if I am meant to die then let me die but if not please please can I just live a normal life!  I have so many other things I need to focus and worry about.  My son needs me, my other 2 children need me but most of all I am so worried of not being here for my oldest and no one being able to understand him or know what he is going through. I need to be there for him and help him get through his issues and if I am not here what will become of him?

I am praying to God that he hear my prayers and help me get through this not for my sake but for my childrens sake. I feel like a hypcrite because I only call to God when I am scared or when I need something. I dont know if I did something that was so terrible and that I deserve this...I dont know why it's me and i especially dont know what I can do to make it all better. If its anxiety or its some life threatining illness that I don t know about, its just driving me crazy...How can anxiety make me feel like this ?? thats the question I keep asking myself. How can anxiety last all day long??? How can I feel like I cant breathe all day long and not have something terribly wrong with me?? It has to be something..if its not my heart..maybe my lungs..Could I have cancer? All these thoughts run through my mind all day...and all doctors can say is that I have anxiety. I wish I knew someone who was going through the same thing that way I could know that it wasnt only me ...That I am not going to die tomorrow and that it is only anxiety.

I'm sorry to be dropping all this emotional talk on you guys but I just need to get it out becuase I feel like I'm drowning. I cant talk to friends and family (not even Ben) Because they dont understand what I am feeling and going through and the fisrt thing they say is that all the doctors say I am fine..IF I AM SO F*%$@ FINE THEN WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY!!!

I hope everyone is doing fine I dont know if anyone ever reads my journal anymore, I am sorry if I have not commented in anyones journals for awhile but as soon as I feel better I promise I will.

Take Care all and have a Goodnight..........

 

Happy Turkey Day!!

Hi everyone.... I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there in J-land!!! I hope everyone had an enjoyable and safe day yesterday.. I know I ate till I almost burst so I hope everyone else did the same :)

I haven't been on here because unfortunately my anxiety disorder has been acting up.... I have been feeling terrible this past week and a half... I am scared that something terrible is going to happen to me... I am scared that there is something wrong with my heart or lungs and that I am going to die any minute...Its been terrible..I have this feeling that I cant breathe alll day long and its driving me crazy. Its my own fault though becuase I stopped drinking my meds in september because my prescription ran out and I was too busy to go to my doctor to get my meds.  So here I am back to square 1. I finally did go to the Doctor and she gave me my meds(Zoloft) but it hasnt kicked in yet and I ccant shake this dispairing feeling that something is very wrong with me.....I know its all in mind because I have been feeling like this for going on 2 weeks and I am still alive ...(if it was a heart attack or a lung problem god forbid I wouldnt be sitting here wrting this) But as you all know the  mind is a very powerful thing and just by thinking something you can actually feel it.  Just to be on the safe side my doctor referred me to a Cardiologist and I am going to be put on a 24 hr holter on Monday and then on Tuesday I take it back and they will do an Echocardiogram and an EKG. I pray that everything comes out ok.. I took these test six years ago and everything came out good except EKG which shows Right Brundle Branch Block which at certain times can be life threatening but after doing some more test it was determined that I fell into a catergory where a certain percentage of women have this and it means nothing(supposedly ...though I nver had this before) anyway we'll see what happens..I just hope I can get a hold on this anxiety before its starts controlling me...I already have not been going to work because I dont want to travel alone because I am scared something will happen  to me....This thing can take over your whole life believe me! I CAN NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME I HAVE 3 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF!!!

My doctor also prescribed me Ambien because for the past month I can not for the love of God sleep at night!!!  WHEN I GO THE PHARMACY TO HAVE PRESCRIPTION FILLED I FIND OUT THAT FREAKING MEDICAID NO LONGER PAYS FOR THIS MEDICATION AND IF I STILL WANTED THEM I WOULD HAVE TO PAY OVER 150.00 WTF I DO NOT HAVE THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY TO DISH OUT LIKE THAT! SO I GUESS I WONT BE SLEEPING...:(

GOODNIGHT ALL AND TAKE CARE!

 

Animals are people in disguise :)

WHAT PART OF QUIET DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND??

 

EVERYONE NEEDS TO FEEL SECURE....

 

COULDN'T HELP IT MA, THAT FIRST STEP IS A KILLER..

 

NOW WHAT DO I DO???

 

IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE, I JUST KNOW IT!!

I REALLY NEED TO GET GOING, BUT JUST CAN'T SEEM TO GET MOTIVATED.............

MAN...I'M GETTING SO FAT I CAN HARDLY SCRATCH MY OWN BUTT!!

THESE MORNING WALKS ARE KILLING ME!!!!

  

http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/

To assume is to make an ass out of yourself ! LOL

Guess My Cup Size?

You must scroll down to the bottom to see the full photo.

This was sent to me by a friend who had her first child and was breast feeding. So, you can imagine the the look of surprise that was on mine and my husband's face when we got this email photo. First words out of my husband's mouth were "Boy, she's got some big ones".

 

 

 

NOW

SCROLL

DOWN

A LITTLE

MORE

 

Keep going....

 

                                                                           

 

 

 

 

 

LOL YOU GOT A BAD BAD MIND!!!!

http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/

I'm backkkkkkkkk..Daily Lessons

I haven't posted an entry in a while just taking care somethings over here.  A lot of different things going on.... I will be back with more details....Hope everyone doing ok.. A lot of people that I have met here in J-land have gone private...it's gotten kind of quiet.  Hope you guys come back soon..

Here's something to make you guys smile

 

 

                           

 

                   

 

                

 

                          

 

                             

http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/

Is this what marriage is all about???(funny)

 

 

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and  after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home  when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle  from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you  that I won't be home for dinner.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and  card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules.  Any comments?"

His new  bride said, "No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will  be sex here at seven o'clock every night ..whether you're here or  not."

(DAMN SHE'S  GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part  II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  getting you a headstone that reads: "Here  Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies.  "When you  die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:  "Here  Lies My Husband -  Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR  IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part  III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the  breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no  good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he  realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What  took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in  bed."  

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING,  TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage   (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his  achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his  wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go  to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to  find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  

He  shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of  Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************
Marriage   (Part V)   The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were  having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need  his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business  flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),  he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am"  He left it  where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up,  only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious,  he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed  a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM   Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of  contests.  

**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Proud MAMA!!!

I am so proud of my little ones... Today was Parent Teachers Conference. They all had great marks!! 3's (B's)straight across.. I dont know how the school systems are anywhere else but over here in NY the teachers are not allowed to give out 4's(A's) the first marking period. Their teachers all said that they all deserved 4's and definitely for the next marking period I would see it... I was also told that my children all have great parental guidance at home..that it shows with all of them...It feels so great to be acknowledged like that. I feel so good knowing that my children behave in school the way that we have taught them. So of course I felt like the mother of the year!! LOL... They all deserve something nice so when my Ben and I get paid we will definitely do something for them... On the downside I was told that my oldest son is really into girls and him and his little group of friends tend to want to focus on that alllll day...(GREAT I THOUGHT I HAD A FEW MORE YEARS FOR THIS LOL) So we are going to have to sit down with him and let him know that he still has time to all concerned about girls....10 yrs old and having this conversation WOW!!

 

I took them to the book fair that they were having and they each got 3 books.  The book were all priced great..each book was $2.00 no matter how big or popular it was.  I was surprised too because when we got home(they had a 1/2 day today) they did hw and then they started to read.... HMMMM usually I have to force the 2 boys to read...

 

I know ya'll must have noticed in my past entries I have posted some funny jokes and stuff... I found them sooooo  funny I just had to share! As I mentioned before when I really don't have anything worthwhile to write I will post something funny, emotional, or whatever I think its cool to share.

 

 

 

 

Not to much going on I am still feeling nervous over the feeling that came over me a couple of days ago. I do find myself  having the fear of not wanting to be alone all over again. I am scared to go to work alone...Dammmm after I was doing so well. I think that I am going to have to go to the doctor and get on the Zoloft again or maybe I will try Paxil.  I can't deal with this.  Ben and I have been on a good path and I am starting to realize that I may have jumped to conclusions when I was thinking that he might be cheating. Just to be on the safe side I am still checking his phone. Its hard to just go back to trusting 100%. I know a lot of people feel like if you cant trust the person why continue the relationship...Well just cause you cant trust (because of your own reasons) doesnt mean that you can't  care for or love tsomeone. I know that we can build that trust again but it is going to take some time.  I also know that if it takes longer than I feel it should then who knows  I might have to start thinking about leaving the relationship. I just cant do that now without giving him the opportunity to correct his mistakes. It's hard being in a relationship.

 

OMg X-mas is around the corner and I still have not started my shopping.. Has anyone else started??  Thanksgiving we are planning or spending it at my mother's house. This should be interesting and I am sure that there will be plenty to tell LOL.  You know my landlady has been laying low I wonder what that means???  Speaking of landlady there is an AWFUL AWFUL FISH SMELL in the hallway of my house.... I cant stand it! I think my neighbor upstairs from me cooked some fish Saturday night and the smell is still lingereing. Everytime I open my door the smell drifts into my apartment and I just want to DIE!!! I know fish is good(I hate it) but damnnn why does it smell so bad!! I am going to have to tell this landlady to buy some AIR FRESHNERS!! UGHHHHH I'd rather smell the marijuana LOL (J/J)

Well ya'll Take Care and Goodnight.....

How much would you gals pay??

What Would You Pay To See These Guys

 

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.  

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us,

 my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

 

 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.

 

She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,

 and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

 

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,

 

my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

 

 I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,

 

she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

 

 

My relief was short-lived.

 

 Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!

 

Now everyone's attention is focused on me,

 

 and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

 

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

 

 

 What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

 

 I got out my ATM card,

 

swiped it down the crack of his butt,

 

Grabbed the eighty bucks,

 

 and left!!!!

 

 

LMAO I found this sooo funny!

Enjoy!...Goodnight All and Take Care....

Like His MOMMA used to do

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard...

 Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

 He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him... Like his MOMMA used to do.

A prayer just for J-land :)

Dear Lord,

Every evening as
I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
keeps running through my head.

God, bless my mom and dad
And bless my little pup
And look out for my sister
When things aren't looking up.

And God, there's one more thing
I wish that you could do
Hope you don't mind my asking
But please bless my computer too.

Now, I know that's not normal
To bless a motherboard
But just listen for a second
While I explain to you, my Lord.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends.
Inside those small compartments
Are a hundred of my 'friends'.

I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
much the same as you
I share in what life brings them
From that our friendship grew.

Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That's filled with so much love

Days and words to go by.....

Wash Day...........

Monday
Wash Day

 

Lord, help me wash away all my selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with perfect humility through the week ahead.

Tuesday
Ironing Day

 

Dear Lord, help me iron out all the wrinkles of prejudice I have collected though the years so that I may see the beauty in others.

Wednesday
Mending Day

O God, help me mend my ways so I will not set a bad example for others. 

 

Thursday
Cleaning Day

Lord Jesus, help me to dust out all the many faults I have been hiding in the secret corners of my heart.

Friday
Shopping Day

 

O God, give me the grace to shop wisely so I may purchase eternal happiness for myself and all others in need of love.

Saturday
Cooking Day

 

Help me, my Savior, to brew a big kettle of brotherly love and serve it with clean, sweet bread of human kindness.

Sunday
The Lord's Day

O God, I have prepared my house for you. Please come into my heart so I may spend the day and the rest of my life in your presence.

Take a ride on the LIRR

                                            

 

I can not believe they raised the prices on the Long Island Rail Road!!! They raised it $3.00. DAmmmmn..... Just last year it was just $6.00 now its $9.50!!! Even children pay but at least they have something called family fare, so my kiddies went on for .75 cents each....

Yesterday my mom and I decided to take a ride down to see my brother and the baby... it was a nice little family get together..Hardly no arguing ..except when we went to eat at McDonalds and my mom decided to catch a fit because she couldn't understand why she was spending 10.00 on their food(hers and my sister's) Helloooo since when was McDonald's cheap....Oy but you gotta love them :)

My lil niece is getting so big and beautiful...but boy does she have a set of lungs on her!!! She cries a lot , they believe that she might have colic....UH OH!! I hope she doesn't because that would be so tough for them.

No ride back on the rail road my brother ended up bringing us home, which was a relief!

Yesterday I was laying in bed reading and I literally felt like I was going to die..... outof nowhere I started getting this weird feeling...like I started getting a cold/hot sensation run through my body...I was sweating but at the same time I was feeling cold...I started to feel like I couldn't breathe and I felt kind of faint.... I started to panic because I don't know why all of a sudden I was feeling this way..... then my chest started to hurt and I started to think that somehow I was having a heart attack....I started to wake up Ben but he was knocked out and I felt kind of embarrassed waking him up because I wasn't sure if it was a panic or anxiety attack.... But I cant see how I would have one of those attacks when I wasn't thinking about anything I was just lying there reading ..How can a panic/anxiety attack just come out of nowhere....Obviously it wasn't a heart attack I am still here(thank God) but then what was it??? Am I sick should I go to the doctor or should I not worry about it because maybe it was just an attack.....I was on zoloft but since my prescription ran out I have not taken it and that was about one month and a half ago... I don't know but it sure was scary.... I was supposedto wash clothes today but last night's little episode has me all shook up.... One little episode like that and I am back to square one where I am scared to go out alone. I am scared that something will happen to me while I am out...THIS SUCKS because I have been doing so good.... I dont want to go back to the days when I couldn't do anything by myself and when I was always thinking that something is wrong with me..... I hope I can overcome this...I need to because I have to work..I have to pick up my kids from school... All I was thinking about when I felt like that was "God what's going to happen to my babies???, Who is going to take care of them like I do if I am not here??... How can Ben take care of them on his own???  I pray to God that nothing happens to me until my babies are grown responsible adults who are able to take care themselves. It's too scary too even think about how my children would be without me.

I am going to try and write about my struggle with having this anxiety thing and how it changed my life forever..( I did not always have this , I got this in 2000 when my daughter was born) I didnt write about it earlier because it would bring back bad memories.... But I will try.....Even writing about what happened yesterday is making me feel nervous and faint.. Let me get off this topic for now....

 

It seems like things might be picking up for us financially.... I was given a raise at work and Ben is expecting a very very good promotion in January... I pray this happens... For now we are caught up in the bills and hopefully we can stay this way so that we can start our X-mas shopping... I always say that I am not going to get anyone because I can't afford it but then was always end doing it anyway.

I have been trying since I started this journal to learn how to add a background to my entries and also how to add music to them....any ideas???

Well I am going to go clean up a lil, might be back a lil later... OHHHH by the way did anybody else experience soome difficulty accessing their journals on friday??? I dont know but for some reason everytime I tried to add an entry, edit or even read someone else's journal it would keep on saying journlas not available...Anyone else have this problem??????

Welcome to my humble abode :)))

I finally took some pics of my small 2 bedroom apartment so you guys can see what I am paying 1325.00 for...

1st pic is what you see when you first walk into my apartment.....Yes my bedroom is the living room, next is view you get from my kitchen, next i just wanted to show you where I am always at when I'm home right on my computer ... Next is my daughter's bedroom, she even has a princess tv... Then you see my boy's room and their Mickey Mouse tv, after that is my small little kitchen where I cant even fit a table in...I took another pic so you can see how small the apt really is bedrooms are actually right off the living room(too close for comfort huh???) Do ya'll like my betty boop blanket??? I love it!!!!!! And thats it!! I didnt take a pic of the bathroom because its soo damn small I couldnt get a decent enough pic.... This is what 50% of our income pays for....Now you see what I mean when I said it's sooo difficult to even contemplate getting intimate :)

 

 

RENT A CENTER MUST BE DESPERATE!!

Those of who you read my previous entry about what was going on with Rent A Center know I was having an issue with them. Because I was stupid at the time I made the decision that we were going to get a  bunkbed for the boys and a 5 piece set for my daughter (if you go back about 2 entries you can see actual pics of the sets)I sooo much regret ever doing this!! They will rip you offf!! ANyway the issue  is due to finanicial madness we fell behind on a couple of payments(about 3 weeks).  Our payments were 70.00 a week.. So we owed 210.00. They had been calling off the hook and we finally spoke with them and we let them know that we were willing to pay what we owed them but that we have decided that we wanted to return the merchandise because it was wayy too expensive(I should have thought about that before I got them right) but anyway so they said ok and we agreed that they were going to come today and pick everything up.... After agonizing over the fact that my children were going to be sleeping on mattresses until Jan. I finally got over it and decided it was the best thing to do. SOO today comes and they call us to let us know that  they were going to come between 6 and 8, we asked them if they could make it earlier as our children's bedtime is at 8:00pm and they would be interfering with that and also the ssooner the better. They agreed that they would be here between 4 and 6:00pm.. OK FINE..... At about 5:00 we get a phone call from the store manager asking us what the problem was and if he could in any way help us fix it so that we could keep the furniture.... We basically told him the main issue was keeping up weekly payment as it was beyond our budget for now...TELL ME WHY store manager comes up with a proposition that is way too good to pass up.... Basically he let us know that he was going to waive the 210.00 not only that but he was going to give us until the 25th to start the payments again .....NOT only that but he was going to lower said payments from 70.00 to 50.00....WTH... I mean who would say no to that... I really did not want to have my children sleeping on mattresses.... SOOOO what ben and I decided to do was to accept their offer and come January NO MATTER WHAT we are going to send the furniture back and BUY them a set..... at least this gives us ample time to go around and look for better prices without me going crazy that I am a being a bad mother to have mykids on mattresses. I tell you one thing though RENT A CENTER IS ONE DESPERATE COMPANY...BUT all the better for me LOL.....

Take care and GOODNIGHT ALL....

 

We had it out!

                             

I feel so relieved right now.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.... I'll explain why now.

We woke up this morning as usual to get the kiddies ready and off to school, Yesterday morning the kiddies were perfect angels but today it seems like everybody woke up on the wrong side of the bed. WE all had attitudes...SO of course nobody knew where anything was..mind you they know that upon arriving home from school they are supposed to take off their stuff fold it if its clean and put it neatly away for the next but NOOOO its not ever done in that order...SO all you hear is Where is my tie?? Where is my shirt?? Thats my shirt ..NOOOOooo its not its mine... MOMMY I need socks...MOMMY tell him to move...MOMMY I cant find my shoes....MOMMY tell kaitlyn to get out of my room! and so on and on....Mind you there are discrepancies in the sizes of these clothes... As for my daughter she is pretty good when it comes to dressing herself but she lovesssssssss to take foreverrr...She wants to read, draw, color, and write before she is able to get dressed so of course I have to keep on repeating KAITLYN put that away, Kaitlyn get dressed, KAITLYN YOU CAN NOT READ WHILE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.... I'm telling you this happens every single day... so of COURSE I am freaking frustrated at this point because we are like 15 mins behind schedule and in my world 15 mins is alot!! I still have breakfast to make and hair that needs to be combed, shirts that need tucking, ties that need to be straightened and sneakers that need to be tied! So I am yelling LETS GOOO MOVE IT!! Mind you dear darling BEN is soundly asleep I can not believe that he can calmly remain asleep through the chaos, I finally reach  my breaking point and I tell WAKE UP AND DO SOMETHING...I should have never asked..He wakes up in a bad mood and I dont know if he was half asleep and dreaming about somebody else but what comes out of his mouth is not something that I care to repeat... SO now I am reallypissed off , I bite my tongue not to contradict him in front of the children...BUT OMG INSIDE I AM SEEETHING WITH ANGER..HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT!!!!

Finally I make him take them to school and all the while I am rehearsing all the I am going to tell him once he walks in..I am going to give him a piece of my mind! He walks in and I tell him "You do know that what you said was very uncalled for... I say" I know I told you to wake up and do something but that was NOT the something that I wanted you to do! He says "you wake me up in the middle of a deep sleep telling me to do something what else d o you expect.....now that no one is home I feel free to argue and argue is what we did.

I let him know everything I felt, everything that I have been holding deep inside. I told him that I am tired of being just a woman that he's been with for 10 yrss. I want him to make me feel the way he did when we first started give me the attention that he would give someone who he had just met.. I said I bet if you met someone tomorrow you would wine dine and romance her to let her know how much you like her and want to be with her RIGHT?? I say I am tired of you just coming home expecting the kids to be taken care of, the house to be cleaned and dinner ready. I am sick of you just coming home, barely saying hello, you go take a shower and plop yourself in front of the tv and expect that when its time to go to bed that I am going to be ready to get intimate... HELL NOOOOO I am not going to be just your sex partner. I says "what happened to the flowers ..your ass works 1 block down from a flower place..what happened to a card just saying how much you love me..what happened to you taking me out and NOOO I dont freaking mean to Target when its time to buy stuff for the kids and the house... I want to go out without you saying OHHH you just want to go to a restuarant and eat! and make me feel like I am some damn fat pig!! I tell him this is no relationship, especially not a relationship that I want.. I want someone to make me feel like Im sexy..someone who lets me know that I am pretty or beautiful... what happened to all that..I ask you 'How does this look or how do I look..your response is always the same ..."you look fine..you look alright..you look good. I DONT WANT TO HEAR THAT I WANT TO HEAR BABE YOU LOOK GORGEOUS, OR BABY YOU ARE THE SEXIEST WOMAN THAT I HAVE EVER MET.... SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. i even brought up the fact that obviously something is very wrong in our relationship when he felt he had to look ellsewhere.. I told him that I regret ever telling him that I could forgive him for stepping out on me because honestly no I can not easily forgiven  and its not going away as easy as I thought it would. He says then maybe we shouldnt be together and I say you know then maybe we shouldnt... I couldnt  care either way.....I lied I do care I do love him and I know he is a great man but I think that somewhere along the line he grew too comfortable with me so uch so that he feels he doesnt have to wine and dine me... He starting knowing the type of person that I am , someone who never followed through on anything so I feeel that the reason it was so  easy to step out on me was because he kind of already knew that there really wouldnt be any true consequences to suffer..WRONG !! The way I see it is that he thought  that I wasnt going to leave him, after all in his eyes I NEED him...I have 3 kids where am I going with 3 kids ..how can I support 3 kids and pay rent and bills without him....and you know what for a minute I thought I did feel that way , that I needed him that without him my world would crumble but you know what I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM..I'LL MAKE IT SOMEHOW...BUT I WILL NOT LET HIM DEGRADE ME AND TAKE ME AS A FOOL..SOOO NOOO the reason I didnt leave him was not because I couldnt  make it without him the reason I didnt leave him was because I love him and everyone deserves a second chance, because up into this bullshit that he got himself into he was the best man a woman could ever ask for!...BUT let me tell you one thing if your ass ever decides to go that route again your ass will be out on that curve so fast your damn head will spin..and BELIEVE ME you wont be taking a damn thing!!! Believe me Ya'll I let him have it!!! I ranted and raved for about an hr and all he did was sit there and listen and afterwards apologized for beingsuch  a jackass in the morning.  Then he CLEANED UP THE HOUSE while I was in the shower and surprisingly invited me for lunch on HIM. AND I WENT AND we ended up enjoying ourselves just the 2 of us... After that we went and got our kiddies from school and decided to take them out for a treat( I know they gave me hell this morning but they still are my babies...I'm a sucka arent I lol) We gave them each 10.00 and told them thatwas the spending limitno matter what!! and they had better find something in that price range and I am soooo proud of my babies they each found something they liked for $9.84 :))))) and they are soo happy with it...(first time we gave them a limit)You gotta love them.... SOOO this by no means makes our relationship  perfect or even means that all of our problems are solved, it just means that I took a step... he followed and now we can continue on this journey together.......

                            

Time for acceptance

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... 
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you 
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside 
your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and 
crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child 
quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin 
to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink
back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you 
begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is 
your awakening. 

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting 
for something to change or for happiness, safety and 
security to come galloping over the next horizon. You 
come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming 
and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world 
there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for
that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" 
must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity 
is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that 
not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of 
who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled 
to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the
importance of loving and championing yourself and in the 
process a sense of new found confidence is born of 
self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things 
they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that 
the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. 
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or 
mean what they say and that not everyone will always be 
there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you 
learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself 
and in the process a sense of safety & security is born 
of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to 
accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings 
and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and
contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much 
of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is 
as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been 
ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through 
all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, 
how you should look and how much you should weigh and what 
you should wear and where you should shop and what you should 
drive how and where you should live and what you should do 
for a living who you should sleep, with who you should marry 
and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of 
having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of 
view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are 
what you really stand for. You learn the difference between 
wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines 
and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into
to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your 
instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we 
receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and 
contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely 
as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that 
principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated 
ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together 
the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn 
that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save
the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn 
to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the 
importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. 
You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose 
to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. 
How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving 
and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs 
or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you 
will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable
or important because of theman on your arm or the child 
that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as 
they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop 
trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn 
that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... 
and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love 
on your terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that 
alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and 
come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 
or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the 
image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, 
smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that 
feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is 
your right to want things and to ask for the things that 
you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated 
with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't 
settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover 
who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch... and in 
the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you 
begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin 
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more 
time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the 
spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time
to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels 
our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you 
believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a 
self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth 
achieving is worth working for and that wishing for 
something to happen is different than working toward 
making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success 
you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also 
learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to 
risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the 
great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to 
step right into and through your fears because you know that 
whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear 
is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And
you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it 
living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that 
life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think 
you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to
unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not 
to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing 
you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life 
happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - 
the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, 
envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or 
they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the 
universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you 
are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of 
the simple things we take for granted, things that millions 
of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full 
refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long 
hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by 
yourself and you to make yourself a promise to never betray 
yourself and to never ever to settle for less than your 
heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your 
window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a 
point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open 
to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in 
your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you 
take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want 
to live as best as you can.

If only wishes came true

 

I am feeling down and depressed right now.. I wasnt going to write an entry today but I guess maybe it will help me by letting it all out...I dont know if I am feeling this way because I am being payed a visit from Mrs RED or if its just that life is getting much more difficult than I can handle. I cant give up I wont give up but it just  that there are days that I just want to pack up all my stuff and leave far far away from everyone even the children.( I feel so messed up inside just writing it)

It seems like all I do everyday all day long is cater to every ones whims and needs in the house. I clean up after everyone allll day long, I make sure that everyone is fed, I make sure that everyone is happy and that they have everything they need but WHO is thinking about me?? Who is taking care of me?? I see myself cleaning up the same things day in and day out only to wake up in the morning and have to clean up those same things!! I feel like I am being taken for granted..NO one in the house apprecaites all I do for them!! They drop something ooo don't worry Mommy is there to pick it up...something is misplaced ooo dont worry Mommy is there to help us find it... Everything is MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY or Steph Steph Steph Steph....COME ON I NEED HELP... all I ask is for a thank you... maybe even a day or two  that I dont have to do it all myself. I do everything for them that no one knows how to anything not even hang up a damn coat! GOD FORBID something gets lost because of course I should know where it's at! I feel like all I do is work whether it be in at the job or at the house...When is my time to rest?? NObody has the answer to that question huh??

Today there was no school and it was Ben's day off so I decided to leave him with the kids and go out with my mom to get a few things... Mind you before I left I asked that the house be cleaned up.... I go out and what do I do?? I think about them, about what they need. I ened up getting uniform shirts for school, winter hats, underwear, and for Ben I got a new work shirt, 2 pajama bottoms to keeps his ass warm at night and some shampoo because OF COURSE HE NEEDS HIS OWN BRAND! I didnt get not one thing for myself....OHHH YEA I DID GET ME A ROUND BRUSH TO BLOW OUT MY NEW BANGS WITH ..WOWEEE. Sooo I get back home only to find the house in the same condition it was when I left..Response was OOO I spent daddy time with them...I KNOW SPENDING DADDY TIME IS IMPORTANT BUT COME ON CANT YOU SPEND DADDY TIME AND FIND A WAY FOR YOU AND THEM TO CLEAN YOUR MESSES?? He said he fed them and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards WELL thank you for doing that but what happens to everything else is that just supposed to clean itself??

So what happens I go into maid mode and I start cleaning up the damn house myself and mind you as I am in maid mode I find out right before bed time that the my little 2 ones have not done HW....SOO I have to not only clean but also help with Hw...Ben said he asked them if they had HW and that they both said NO( they got in trouble for lying) but who's the adult??? When they tell me they have no Hw I still make sure and check because you never know....

I am pissed and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out...It's not fair at all! I do what I have to do and I finally have the house the way its should be and all the while he is watching Tv which angers me even more!!!

Another thing that is stressing me out is that we are behind 3 payments with Rent a Center. I usually pay them on time but this month we found ourselves in financial hell and decided to just go ahead and pay the more important bills... So now Rent a Center is calling like crazy because of course they want their money.  I don't know why I got myself into this mess in the first place..but I decided upon moving in here that my children should get new bedrooms sets(they already had bedroom sets in good condition) but I just wanted something new to go with the new apartment. SO I go ahead and get them from Rent a Center because I thought at the time that it was good for us. Little did I know that I would soon regret this decision. I am paying 70.00 a week whick comes out to 320.00 a mth its more than a damn car payment I bet... The thing is I have the money to pay them what I owe the question is do we want to continure dishing out all this money a mth.... After everything is said and done we would end paying over 2000.00 for each bedroom set! If i were to go to a regular furniture store I know the price would be half that amount..Is it worth it?? I dont know.. I regret ever doing business with Rent a Center..they rip you off!!! I didnt have no reason to go and get the kids new sets there bedrooms were fine the way they were...they had good sets in good condition but of course us as adults make stupid choices... I didnt need them I just wanted to show off because I had a new apatment and I wanted new furniture.....stupid stupid move!!!

We were thinking about sending the bedroom sets back but once we do that the kids would be sleeping on mattresses..... I dont know if I can bear letting my children sleep on mattresses.. My mother says its not a big deal that I should just send the sets back and save the money ...But doesnt that make me a bad mom having my children sleeping on mattresses. My original plan was to continue making the weekly payments until we get our tax return and then BUY them each a bedroom set.....but this 70.00 a week is killing us!!! SO I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...You would think that I had gotten some fancy bedroom sets for the amount of money they are charging but NOO My son's have a metal bunkbed with a desk on the side....no drawers or anything and my daughter's does come with a dresser with a mirror a nightstand and a bed but its not even real wood. Pics below are actual pics of the sets my children have.... I just dont know what to do...should I sacrifice and continue the payments or do I just let them sleep on their mattresses for about  mth and a half.. I feel so bad!! I asked them what they thought and they all said that they dont mind...but its just me how can I go to sleep at night knowing that they are sleeping on just mattresses. What do you guys think???

Just when you thought it couldnt get any worse it does.... I get a call from my dear old landlady..She says she called to remind me that starting this month I have to pay an extra 75 dollars for rent. so now my rent is going to 1325.00 for a small ass 2 bedroom apartment .WHY?? You ask??Because she decided last year that she just couldnt afford to keep up with the good heat she is providing us with..SHe says ever since the price of oil went up sky high she just cant do it...She says oooo loook on the bright side its only for the winter mths when summer comes your rent will go back to 1250.00 yea my ass my lease is over in June so you know she is going to raise the rent again..... So now on top of everything is my rent had gone up and I have no choice but to pay it because the darling dear added it as a condition in the lease we signed in back in June.

Having said all this it is time for me to go lay down because I am feeling dizzy...I hope everyone else had a good election day and I pray that ya'll voted for some good people :)

Take care all and GOODNIGHT....

I can forgive but I won't ever forget

                          

   Warning: Some words are not suitable for some people.. I dont want to offend anyone so BEWARE

                                 

                           

 

 

 

Lately I have been thinking about a time in my life when my world was turned upside down.  How you ever trusted in someone so much that you would say to yourself NAH that won't ever happen to me?.... I have been through many things in my life , so much that I never thought I would trust another man ever.....When I met Ben it was different .... I put my 100 percent trust in him because he proved to me that he really loved me and would never do anything to hurt me.

My friends would tell me about incidents with their man who cheated and stuff and I would proudly say No not me I know my man would never do that to me. I knew that I made him happy, I knew that I had never given him a reason to go astray.  My friends would look at me like you must be crazy!!! They would tell me how can you trust your girlfriends to hang out with your man, how could you invite women over to your house when your man is home??.. and I simply would reply I do it because I trust him with my whole being and I know he wouldnt do anything like that...

I had this one friend(we shall call her S) who I was really close with, who always came over on the weekends and we would all hang out together...Ben , S and me. She was my brother's girlfriend for awhile but then they broke up and I remained friends with her. It wasnt an issue at all to me.  Well she would call meand if I werent home she would carry on a conversation with him..I didnt think nothing of it... When we would hang out they would joke around together and since I dont drink they would drink together..I didnt think nothing of it... While he was at work she would call him and they would talk and still I didnt think nothing of it(call me dumb) I started to wonder about what was up when one day I decided to look at his cell phone bill and I noticed that her number was on there more than mine and I was his fiancee. So I asked him about it, he just said it's nothing she just talks to me because youre not home. Everyone in my family noticed how things were between them and they started putting things in my head...Like open your eyes she wants your man.... Dont be stupid men are men and if women put it out there a man will take it no matter how much they love their partner... SO I started getting upset... I remembered a conversation that he toldme they had...He said that she called to speak to me and since I wasnt home she started talking to him.. COnversation goes something like this...

S: You know I just came back from a sex party and I bought a couple of things for me and so and so...

B:Ohhh yea cool.

S: Guess what I got .. I got this thing that when you go down there on your guy it makes it feel way better....I got that becasue such and such loves when I go down there.

B: You're Crazy...

S: I also got me this lingerie so that him and I can use it ..its so nice...

B: Ohh ok when Steph comes I'll tell her that you called.

Now why the hell did she feel she had to talk to him about something like that... Me being an azz didnt think nothing of it at the time until I started piecing everything together. I asked him again if there was anything going on he once again denied it.. He said that he wasnt attracted to her in any way. Up to this day I dont know if there was an attraction between them and what else was said in those conversations when I wasnt home. Eventually I stopped talking to her and she stopped calling.

 

Our relationship is a good one but by no means perfect. We had our ups and downs but always managed to get through it. I remember in our old apartment we went through a phase that we would argue every day all day for the dumbest reasons.... I started noticing that he would always take his cell phone everywhere hew went I mean he went to the bathroom with it he even slepted with it!! I would ask time and time again what the hell was his problem WHY did he always have to have the phone ..he would say ohh because I have friends who are always calling me... Whatever... I would try to get into his phone but he had it password protected... Call me naive whatever you want but I trusted him 100 percent.... I would believe himwhen he would tell me that he would never cheat on me that I was the only one for him.... So I forgot about it and everything was ok or SO I THOUGHT!

 Eventually we moved here to our current apartment...Things calmed down between us.. He was still obsessed with his phone but I was too busy with everything else to pay that any mind and after all everything was good between us not that much arguing or anything.

I will alays remember this day clearly forever.. It was February 16th this year my birthday... I heard his phone go off at 2:00am  who the hell was texting him at this time??!! I noticed that he was still asleep and was not budging so I decided to take the opportunity and see who it was...Im thinking nothing of it it must be one of his dumb friends..  I get into the phone and this is where my world and view on everything changed.. It says Goodnight my love I miss you Talk to you tomorrow....My heart fell!! You can not imagine what was going through my mind! I look at past messages and I read one where he wrote to this person that he loved her!!!! WTF... I seen that they would text each other everyday as early as 6:00am...WTF this asshole was texting her while he was taking our children to school!!! I couldnt hold it anymore I slapped his face and he jumped up I start yelling at him what the hell is this who the hell is this person???..He looks shocked. He doesnt say anything for like 2 mins its like he doesnt know what to say. I rant and rave I tell him I cant believe this shit...after all these years and all my trust in him he can do this... I asked him how long?..

He finally breaks down and tells me that its been going on for a year A FUCKING YEAR!! He says that all it is is texting back and forth.. He said that it started when we were going through that phase with all the arguing... He says he met her on the internet in a chat room and that he just liked the attention.. He said he loved me and didnt want to lose me.  I asked him if she knew that he has a family..He said he told her we were on and off..YEA ON AND OFF MY ASS!! I told him how the hell could you tell her you love her!! He said it was just words , something to say that he didnt mean it.... SO YOU JUST TELL SOMEONE THAT JUST TO SAY IT?? I told him I wanted to speak with her i dont care that it was 3:00am I told him he better call her right then.

I said before you call her you tell me everything...He said that they went to lunch by his job and that they never did anything but tap kissed twice...I could not believe what I was hearing... I told him you call her right now and I want to hear what she has to say....He tells me once again that he loves me to death and that he doesnt want to lose me ..I tell him he should have thought about that before he did this to us. SO he calls and she answers and he tellls her that he lied to her when he told her that we were on and off. He tells her that he loves me wants to stay with me and work things out.. I tell him to give me the phone... I talk to her and basically she tells me the samething he told me that they met  in chatroom and that they never did anything but kiss.. I told her if that was the case why was he telling her he loves her..She said what he said that it was just something to say..IS THAT THE NEW FUCKING THING NOW?..I tell her are you aware that we have children together and that we have been together for 10 ongoing yrs.. She was like he told me that you guys were on and off but if I had known that he was still with you I would have left it alone..I dont want to come between your family..She apologized to me and said it wasnt that serious.. I couldnt bring myself to curse her out... SHe didnt know and she want trying to act all tough and shit... So I hanged up and I told him I couldnt believe that he would hurt me and another female like that....He was crying and all hecould say was I'm sorry....I didnt sleep with him that night and I didnt talk to him for like a week... The whole week he was being so good, he promised he would never do it again...He said tthat he would do anything to make it up...Eventually I forgave him because I love him and he isnt a bad man at all. I figured everybody makes mistakes and I am not God only God can judge and condemn him...BUT you know what I can never ever trust him again like I did before. I can never forget those messages that he sent her. I can never forget the way the bottom of my world fell out...I can never forget the pain that went from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet..IT HURT SO MUCH and my self esteem went down dramatically..WHY ??? Wasnt I enough??  Was she prettier and thinner than I?... What was wrong with me??

AS for now he doesnt take his phone everywhere he goes..he doesnt spend 2hrs in the mirror making sure every little thing is right..He doesnt argue with me for every little thing. Our relationship is good, we are happy once again.

But deep down inside of me I still feel it..and I cant help but think that he will do it again.  He has been late a few times since he started this new job and right away I am wondering if something's up. I tell you if something like this were to happen ever again I am leaving and never looking back!! I will not tolerate this again no matter what!! I will not be the dumb wife at home with her eyes closed to all that her husband does... I forgave once because everyone deserves a second chance but as long as I live I will never ever forget!!

I'm sorry for this entry being so long but this has been bothering me this week.

Goodnight all and Take care....