So today was the day. I got kiddies ready for school and Ben dropped them off. I then got ready and we were out the house by 9:15am. It took us about an hr to get there , by this time I am nervous and my mind is once again playing tricks with me. We got there I registered and was told to have a seat and wait. I tried to remain as calm as I can because it is taking all of my will power not to run to the first emergency room so that a doctor can check me out. About 45 mins my name was called I was surprised I expected to have to wait hrs. A nurse brings me to a small room and there she proceeds to ask me questions about my cardiac history. She then explains to me what the holter is all about and how the only thiing I was able to do today was take a shower. I told her I already knew as this was the second time I had one of these hooked up to me the first time being six years ago.. 3 mins later I was hooked. I felt vulnerable, like people would stare at me and think that I was some kind of freak walking around with a big ole machine on me. I tried my best to conceal it I put it under my shirt and then buttoned my jacket up all the way..you couldnt see it , all you could see was that a bulge was under my jacket. I think I am starting to feel better with the whole breathing thing but its like I am obsessed with my breathing. the first thing I think about when I wake up is my breathing and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is my breathing! and all day in between. It's like breathing tires me out and I getting so tired of having to do it. (what the hell is wrong with me right??) I look at other people and I am envious that they are breathing and going about their daily lives like nothing..I want to be like that, I want to one day wake up and go about my day without worrying about my health and imagining that I have every illness out there. On the outside I look so normal you wouldnt even be able to tell that anyhting was wrong but on the inside I am losing it. I feel so bad for Ben and my children. I can not give them my all.
Tomorrow I go to remove this and then I will have an Echo and EkGdone. The bad thing about it is that I will not get the results until the ending of January because that is the next available appt to see the cardiologist that sucks! because what it something were seriously wrong? I mean that doesnt make any sense.
As for other news my landlady is freaking losing her damn mind!! She has been calling me like for a week straight and I have not picked up becuase I dont feel like dealing with her while feeling like this. SOOOOO she decides to harass. She must have called my house over 50 times and Bens cell phone over 25 times NO LIE! We dont have time for her. You think she would jsut stop calling and wait till she recieves a call from us right??? WRONG. She decides to start calling my neighbors to ask them if any of them have seen or heard from me WTF!! Is she serious??? I cant believe she would call everyone in the damn building just to get in contact with me. Wht the hell can be sooo important that she needs to track me down !! UNF^%#@*BELIEVABLE!!! She even sent her handy man over here to knock on my door to see if I was here. I told him to let her know that I was not feeling well and when I wanted to I would give her a call. She is a freaking stalker and she says its becuase she sees my like her daughter and she worries about me alright I can understand that part but then dont switch it up when its convenient to her becuase when it has to do with her rent and raising it and shit she goes back to being my landlady right?? and another thing if we are so much like family then why the hell does she make it a point that we call her MRS So and So Huh?? I dont go around calling my mother Mrs Nieves.
Its sad because usually X-mas is my favorite time of year. I would get soo excited to put my treee up and buy gifts just to see the look on my babies faces. I find myself not being excited right now because I am wasting my time worrying about myself. I pray that I snap out of it in time so I can give my babies an Xmas that they can remember.
I just wanted to thank GeminiLox I believe her screename is for leaving a comment to let me know that she understands what I am feeling. It does help to know that there are other people out there who can relate and who know what I am going through. Gemini if you have a journal yourself please leave a link this way I can return the visit Thanx :)...I hope there are more people who are going throught this read my journal, maybe we can start something and it will help us overcome this dreadful thing we are dealing with.
Well all Goodnight and Take Care......
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