If only wishes came true

 

I am feeling down and depressed right now.. I wasnt going to write an entry today but I guess maybe it will help me by letting it all out...I dont know if I am feeling this way because I am being payed a visit from Mrs RED or if its just that life is getting much more difficult than I can handle. I cant give up I wont give up but it just  that there are days that I just want to pack up all my stuff and leave far far away from everyone even the children.( I feel so messed up inside just writing it)

It seems like all I do everyday all day long is cater to every ones whims and needs in the house. I clean up after everyone allll day long, I make sure that everyone is fed, I make sure that everyone is happy and that they have everything they need but WHO is thinking about me?? Who is taking care of me?? I see myself cleaning up the same things day in and day out only to wake up in the morning and have to clean up those same things!! I feel like I am being taken for granted..NO one in the house apprecaites all I do for them!! They drop something ooo don't worry Mommy is there to pick it up...something is misplaced ooo dont worry Mommy is there to help us find it... Everything is MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY or Steph Steph Steph Steph....COME ON I NEED HELP... all I ask is for a thank you... maybe even a day or two  that I dont have to do it all myself. I do everything for them that no one knows how to anything not even hang up a damn coat! GOD FORBID something gets lost because of course I should know where it's at! I feel like all I do is work whether it be in at the job or at the house...When is my time to rest?? NObody has the answer to that question huh??

Today there was no school and it was Ben's day off so I decided to leave him with the kids and go out with my mom to get a few things... Mind you before I left I asked that the house be cleaned up.... I go out and what do I do?? I think about them, about what they need. I ened up getting uniform shirts for school, winter hats, underwear, and for Ben I got a new work shirt, 2 pajama bottoms to keeps his ass warm at night and some shampoo because OF COURSE HE NEEDS HIS OWN BRAND! I didnt get not one thing for myself....OHHH YEA I DID GET ME A ROUND BRUSH TO BLOW OUT MY NEW BANGS WITH ..WOWEEE. Sooo I get back home only to find the house in the same condition it was when I left..Response was OOO I spent daddy time with them...I KNOW SPENDING DADDY TIME IS IMPORTANT BUT COME ON CANT YOU SPEND DADDY TIME AND FIND A WAY FOR YOU AND THEM TO CLEAN YOUR MESSES?? He said he fed them and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards WELL thank you for doing that but what happens to everything else is that just supposed to clean itself??

So what happens I go into maid mode and I start cleaning up the damn house myself and mind you as I am in maid mode I find out right before bed time that the my little 2 ones have not done HW....SOO I have to not only clean but also help with Hw...Ben said he asked them if they had HW and that they both said NO( they got in trouble for lying) but who's the adult??? When they tell me they have no Hw I still make sure and check because you never know....

I am pissed and all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out...It's not fair at all! I do what I have to do and I finally have the house the way its should be and all the while he is watching Tv which angers me even more!!!

Another thing that is stressing me out is that we are behind 3 payments with Rent a Center. I usually pay them on time but this month we found ourselves in financial hell and decided to just go ahead and pay the more important bills... So now Rent a Center is calling like crazy because of course they want their money.  I don't know why I got myself into this mess in the first place..but I decided upon moving in here that my children should get new bedrooms sets(they already had bedroom sets in good condition) but I just wanted something new to go with the new apartment. SO I go ahead and get them from Rent a Center because I thought at the time that it was good for us. Little did I know that I would soon regret this decision. I am paying 70.00 a week whick comes out to 320.00 a mth its more than a damn car payment I bet... The thing is I have the money to pay them what I owe the question is do we want to continure dishing out all this money a mth.... After everything is said and done we would end paying over 2000.00 for each bedroom set! If i were to go to a regular furniture store I know the price would be half that amount..Is it worth it?? I dont know.. I regret ever doing business with Rent a Center..they rip you off!!! I didnt have no reason to go and get the kids new sets there bedrooms were fine the way they were...they had good sets in good condition but of course us as adults make stupid choices... I didnt need them I just wanted to show off because I had a new apatment and I wanted new furniture.....stupid stupid move!!!

We were thinking about sending the bedroom sets back but once we do that the kids would be sleeping on mattresses..... I dont know if I can bear letting my children sleep on mattresses.. My mother says its not a big deal that I should just send the sets back and save the money ...But doesnt that make me a bad mom having my children sleeping on mattresses. My original plan was to continue making the weekly payments until we get our tax return and then BUY them each a bedroom set.....but this 70.00 a week is killing us!!! SO I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...You would think that I had gotten some fancy bedroom sets for the amount of money they are charging but NOO My son's have a metal bunkbed with a desk on the side....no drawers or anything and my daughter's does come with a dresser with a mirror a nightstand and a bed but its not even real wood. Pics below are actual pics of the sets my children have.... I just dont know what to do...should I sacrifice and continue the payments or do I just let them sleep on their mattresses for about  mth and a half.. I feel so bad!! I asked them what they thought and they all said that they dont mind...but its just me how can I go to sleep at night knowing that they are sleeping on just mattresses. What do you guys think???

Just when you thought it couldnt get any worse it does.... I get a call from my dear old landlady..She says she called to remind me that starting this month I have to pay an extra 75 dollars for rent. so now my rent is going to 1325.00 for a small ass 2 bedroom apartment .WHY?? You ask??Because she decided last year that she just couldnt afford to keep up with the good heat she is providing us with..SHe says ever since the price of oil went up sky high she just cant do it...She says oooo loook on the bright side its only for the winter mths when summer comes your rent will go back to 1250.00 yea my ass my lease is over in June so you know she is going to raise the rent again..... So now on top of everything is my rent had gone up and I have no choice but to pay it because the darling dear added it as a condition in the lease we signed in back in June.

Having said all this it is time for me to go lay down because I am feeling dizzy...I hope everyone else had a good election day and I pray that ya'll voted for some good people :)

Take care all and GOODNIGHT....