Isn't today the 28th??

 

 

I'm starting to feel a lil better but I still cant shake this feeling that I am not breathing right.  When my mind is occupied I don't think about it at all but when I am not doing anything, just sitting around thats all I can think about! Its like I am obsessed with my breathing.  I am so tense right ...I am soo worried about God what if something happens to me what will happen to my babies will they be able to live without me??, Who is going to take care of them the way I do?... Who is going to spoil them the way I do?  What if they cant get over not having a mommy and then grow up to be drug addicts or bums I CANT BEAR THE THOUGHT!!!  I know that they will have their father but how would he manage with 3 kids on their own??... How will he work and be able to afford taking care of them and the bills? I know my mother will definitley take the kids but then again could she even handle and take care of them?? Its been a long time since she was a parent to a child and sometimes she can be over the top , too strong with them.  God why do I have to feel like this ?? Why cant I be normal like everyone else??

I went today to the hospital because I had an appointment so that I can get a heart monitor put on for 24 hrs. I had my sister meet me because I was too scared to go alone..... I get there only for the lady to look at me and ask "Why don't I have you on my list? I tell her "I dont know but you gave me an appt today... I take out the papers she gave me the other day and I showed it to her and I say " See today is the 28th the date of the appt you gave me ...She looks up and says "Uhh Sweetie today is the 27th see you tomorrow!  I could not believe it !!! I went all the way down there for nothing. My sister found it very amusing that I could get my days mixed up.... I didnt find it amusing at all since I wasted money going out there and it was a 2 bus ride! But what I am gonna do?  So tomorrow I go, the good thing is that Ben has the day off so he would be able to go.  I feel so uncapable of doing  anything.  I feel like I am putting so much on Ben's shoulders and one day he is going to get soo tired of it one day and just walk out.. I feel hopeless like I am going to be like thisforever..The last time that I had a full blown panic attack was about 5-6 yrs ago and I feel one coming on, I can't control it. I feel like if I am meant to die then let me die but if not please please can I just live a normal life!  I have so many other things I need to focus and worry about.  My son needs me, my other 2 children need me but most of all I am so worried of not being here for my oldest and no one being able to understand him or know what he is going through. I need to be there for him and help him get through his issues and if I am not here what will become of him?

I am praying to God that he hear my prayers and help me get through this not for my sake but for my childrens sake. I feel like a hypcrite because I only call to God when I am scared or when I need something. I dont know if I did something that was so terrible and that I deserve this...I dont know why it's me and i especially dont know what I can do to make it all better. If its anxiety or its some life threatining illness that I don t know about, its just driving me crazy...How can anxiety make me feel like this ?? thats the question I keep asking myself. How can anxiety last all day long??? How can I feel like I cant breathe all day long and not have something terribly wrong with me?? It has to be something..if its not my heart..maybe my lungs..Could I have cancer? All these thoughts run through my mind all day...and all doctors can say is that I have anxiety. I wish I knew someone who was going through the same thing that way I could know that it wasnt only me ...That I am not going to die tomorrow and that it is only anxiety.

I'm sorry to be dropping all this emotional talk on you guys but I just need to get it out becuase I feel like I'm drowning. I cant talk to friends and family (not even Ben) Because they dont understand what I am feeling and going through and the fisrt thing they say is that all the doctors say I am fine..IF I AM SO F*%$@ FINE THEN WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY!!!

I hope everyone is doing fine I dont know if anyone ever reads my journal anymore, I am sorry if I have not commented in anyones journals for awhile but as soon as I feel better I promise I will.

Take Care all and have a Goodnight..........