Day after Xmas...

                    

Hello Everyone,

So it's the day after Xmas how did everyone enjoy theirs? I hope all my J-land friends all got exactly what it was they wished for!

My Xmas was simple yet sweet. We all decided to go to my bro's house who lives in Long Island. It was a long ride on the LIRR but eventually we got there and everything was fine. We spent the night over there. My mom cooked us all a great dinner. She cooked all that food by herself! I was proud of her. After that we watched Harry Potter(The Order of the Phoenix)..... Well actually the kids watched it because us adults were too busy making jokes LOL... Everybody had a joke to say about Ben and I because we are in LOVE LOL.... Hey its not my fault everybody doesn't share what we do LOL...

Ben had a few drinks so you know he was happy... After awhile everybody started to wind down and one by one they went to bed LOL... Ben and I stood up watching the Christmas Mass together.

The next morning the kids woke up early(figures) I did not want to get up... But eventually I had no choice as I had 3 kids jumping on my back LOL..... My kids really didn't have too much to open since I only took one gift each from home. I had told them all month long that Santa was not bringing them anything since they didn't know how to behave. So as you can imagine they were a lil disapointed. But I must say that they weren't as upset as I thought they would be. I guess they knew that they really didn't deserve anything.

We had breakfast... and then I started getting them ready so that we could catch the LIRR home. I wanted to get home early so that we could just spend time just us, before Ben had to go to work the next day.

Little did my kids know that Ben and I had a surprise for them at home. When we got here we acted like normal. We ate dinner and then I told them to go clean their rooms. While they were doing that Ben and I took down and separated all their gifts. We then called them and acted like they were in trouble. When they walked into the kitchen they were shocked! LOL.... Needless to say they were very very happy! They loved what they got!. In fact so much so that they have not gotten all my nerves as of yet LOL...Too busy playing with their new stuff.

 

Well that was my Xmas. I was happy just seeing my kids and family happy. Today I am going to pamper myself LOL... I am going to go get a mani and pedi done. Then after that I am going to get my eyebrows waxed(ouch!) The things we go thru to look pretty huh?

Well that's about it for now.. I am going to go get ready...

Until next time......

 

Steph

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

       

 

Hello Everyone,

Is any still out there???? Where are all my peoples at LOL...??

I miss you guys comments in my Reg journal.

I know I know, no one wants to really comment on mushy emotional rants so hey I dont blame ya'll.

I have a story for you guys today though.

Only in New York can this shit happen, Only in New York. 

Ok so read this, I went out with one of my friends today with the intention of buying my oldest son a new coat. I rarely ever take my cell phone with me, well because I always forget it. Well today I REMEMBERED to take it with me just in case I needed to call my mother in law to ask her to pick up the kids for me.  I get out the car and I start to cross the street. As I am crossing a guy in a car starts beeping his horn repeatedly. Now I never look because usually its a Jackass just trying to get my # or ask me if "I gotta a man?") I'm not trying to be conceited but here in NY even a bum will try to pick you up..SERIOUSLY!! So I continue walking across the street. I get across and I finally turn back to see if my friend is behind me. I glance over to the guy who was beeping his horn and I realize he is frantically trying to tell me something. SO now I am staring at him hard trying to figure out if I know him. It suddenly dawns on me that he is saying "you dropped your phone. I feel over to where my phone is supposed to be, latched on to my purse with a clip and its not there... SO I loook and there is my phone in the middle of the street! So I start to cross back over and just as I step from the sidewalk on to the street another car literally stops in traffic and a guy jumps out the car, runs over to where my phone is laying PICKS IT UP and then runs over to his car and then the driver drives OFF!!! I was shocked!!! I cannot believe this asshole did that. I have lived in NY all my life and NEVER have I seen something like this happen. The guy had a big ole' smile as if he had just found $10,000. Its a fucking phone for pete's sake!!

 My shock then turned into extreme anger!! I thought to chase down this car but I would never make it. Where are the Police when you actually need one???

I start to curse and I said somethings that I am ashamed of now. Stuff l ike it had to be a black guy... Had it been a white person he would have picked it up and gave it to me. NO you guys I am not prejudiced(and I hope no one is offended) but when you are mad you tend to say things you later regret. I dont regret cursing him ass out but I do regret catergorizing black people.  A typical person would have just handed over the phone. It was a young stupid guy who pprob had no job and no money to buy a phone and he couldnt resist getting something for free.  Fucking ASSHOLE.

I then used my friends phone to try and call my number but the idiot prob figured I would call and he turned it OFF. SO I called Ben and told him to call Sprint and suspend the account and report the phone stolen. So now the guy has a phone that he can basically do nothing with!!! With Sprint you can not use Sim cards , which means that you can not turn the phone into a prepaid phone. He can not activate it under his own contract because it is registered as stolen and no one will activate it.

The only thing that really bothers me is that Ben payed close to $500.00 this past summer to buy me the phone I specifically wanted!! I had the Krazer(SP). We couldnt get it for a discounted price because he did not qualify for a contract because of his credit so we ended up getting a month to month contract and with that we had to purchase our phones outright. So the only thing that this guy can do is try to sell the phone to some unfortunate soul who has no idea that it can not be used.

Now I am cellularless and I am not going to get another phone anytime soon! :(((

So what do you guys think about that??

Then to top it off.... Since I was going in the car with my "friend" I didnt wear my coat, I just put on a lil sweater. Well after the whole shopping trip(which I didnt even find the coat!) I asked her if she can take me to pick up my kids from school. WELLL what she did was drop me off about a block and a half from the school!! So I am walking to school and back freezing my ass off! Got home with a headache because it was soo cold. I should have stood my ass home HUH??

Then everybody wonders why I dont go out LOL. What a day!!

Prolly shouldnt have used the cute gorjuss girl advertising the holidays  for my header ?? LMAO

I couldnt find a mean angry one LOL..... Anyway I need to get into the holiday spirit. Am I the only one who really isnt into it this year???

I dont even feel like buying gifts :GASP: Where is the real Stephanie????

I dont know itjust seems like the holidays came too soon. Add to that the fact that gifts will just over expand our budget in ways that we can not really afford right now. Or maybe its because I have spoiled these kids so bad and now they have everything and what do you get a kid who has everything and doesnt even appreciate it??? I just keep telling myself that I might not even get them anything! I dont even have my Christmas Tree up yet!

And what is this I hear that Jesus wasnt even born on Christmas Day????

I mean Yes America has forgotten what Christmas is supposed to represent. We just think its all about Santa and buying gifts and trees, but really isnt it the day the man who died for us was born?? Shouldnt we be reflecting on that instead of spending our hard earned dollars on things that people prob dont even want.

Then I find out that there an argument going on about people wanting to take the Christ out of Christmas because they say he wasnt even born on this day??? HMMMM whats wrong with this picture?? I mean no one really knows when Jesus Christ was born so why not leave it alone??

And then people wonder why I am not in the holiday spirit! Geeeez are you???

Steph

 

How do I keep going??

What is wrong with me?? Why do I feel this way and why cant I shake this depressing freaking mood?? I am so sick and tired of feeling depressed.  I want to enjoy life, enjoy doing the little things. I want to enjoy spending time with my kids instead of sometimes feeling that I want to be left alone.

I can't do this anymore. How do I keep going on like this? Let me clarify one thing before some take what I'm saying out of perspective. I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT MYSELF!!!

That is my biggest fear DYING and leaving my children in this cruel world to fend for themselves. SO I would never consider hurting myself.. What I am doing is venting thoughts and questions that I ask myself everyday. I want to know how am I  going to fight this depression and get myself out of it.

Every day for the past month I have not been feeling myself. Why do I have to feel like this. Things that I used to enjoy I no longer even want to do. I sometimes wish that I can all alone this way I dont have to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.  I try to shake myself out of it but it neever works. How much more can I take?

Theres so many things to do and there never seems to be enought time. Then when I have the time I am scared to do shit alone... What kind of fool am I? I let stuff pile up because I can not even walk 10 blocks without becoming a nervous wreck.

Old friends are upset at me because they say that I never answer or return their calls. I wish they could understand that its not that I DONT want to talk to them its just I dont have it in me to talk to people unless I really have to. Why cant people just understand that it has nothing to do with them personally?

If you want to call me a bad friend then so be it.. If you don't want to be my friend anymore then dont be I wont hold it against you just know that it never had anything to do with you it was always me. Whenever my "friends" needed a shoulder to cry on I was always there, but now that I need someone to understand me , be there for me without judging me there is noone. I dont want to hear that its all in my mind, I dont want to hear that I need to get out more often, I dont want to hear that I had kids too young and never enjoyed myself... IT IS NONE OF THAT! Its just something that has taken ahold of me and its not letting go. I dont need to go out and party, I would never take back having my kids and its definitely not only in my mind! It is physically, emotionally and mentally draining me.

I try to act as if nothing is wrong for the sake of my kids and Ben. I try to do the every day normal life thing because I am needed, but I am getting tired, very tired. I know I have more than alot of people, I know that I may even be better off than some, so what is wrong with me, Why arent I happy?

People might be thinking "go to a Dr, Get meds, I have been there and done that.. I am currently on Zoloft. I was seeeing a therapist but she did not help me. I recently went to see another one but only went once because I was a chicken shit when it came to taking the bus alone. So I never went back,

I dont want to burden anyone by talking about.I am sure they dont want to hear it. So I keep it all locked inside. I pray to GOd everyday that this crap go away. I ask him to forgive me for whatever I did wrong to deserve this. I live in the hope that one day I will wake up and all this will be gone.

Stress will kill you for sure!! My landlady and I got into it the other day.

Long story short, one of my "friends" called me up and told me that her father had an empty 4 bedroom apt. She wanted to know if I was interested. OF COURSE I was. So I talked to her dad and we set up a date for us to go over there. The day came and we went, we seen the apt, it was huge!! The only downside was that I wasnt too fond of the neighborhood(it was more industrial like) It had all the space we needed! Her parents were like angels sent from above honestly. They were so sweet and respectful. He even lowered the rent for us to $1375(mind you we pay 1325 for a small ass 2 bedroom). We told him we wanted it!!! So I come home call my current landlady and she was none too happy. Her words were" Who amI going to rent your place to? Who am I going to find to rent to right before XMAS?? She then had the AUDACITY to say that she was going to keep half of my security because I wsant giving her a full mnths notice. I was livid!! She was the one who told me if I ever found apt that was good for us she woulsd have no problems breaking the lease, because she cared about me and only wanted the best. OK now that I finally found something good for us, you want to come with this BS?? SO bottom line is I DID NOT take the apt. I can not afford for her to keep half my money. It all got to complicated and finally I said F&^* it. I will never talk to her the same again. She showed her true colors once again. It is all about the money for her. She had the nerve to say that she was glad that we decided not to take the apt because she "heard" that it was in a bad neighborhood and we deserve the best. OHH please spare me the BS... Its not like we live in the f&^$#& Hamptons right now!

Ben and I are not doing so well...(BTW... I went to the DR and and everything is OK , referring to a previous entry) We are having relationship issues and right now I just feel like I do not have the energy to deal with any of it. I am tired of being hurt and taken for granted. All my life that is what I have had to deal with. Not anymore, Call me a Bitch, whatever you want, I owe noone anything. The only ones that I have to worry about are my children.

It seems like the only time I write in this journal is when I am having problems but then again when someone is happy, there isnt as much to write about. I dont expect anyone to read this and care, this is for myself. This is where I let go all frustrations and emotions that I can not let go anywhere else.

I went Xmas shopping yesterday and this is the first time ever that I DID NOT enjoy myself. Usually I love to spend money. Yesterday I just wanted to get it all over and done with. For the stores were SOOO damn packed. I mean you could not walk anywhere without someone bumping into you. For two I had no clue what I wanted to get. You know some people can go shopping and pick up anything and say this is what I am going to give them , if they like they like it if they dont they dont. Not me, of course I have to make it complicated. I have to sit there and worry about whether or not this person will want this. My mother was like who cares, its the thought that counts. Then I worry about is it too cheap?? Finally I just picked up whatever, I payed and I left. If they dont like it well then they can just return it for something else. I didnt want to spend an arm and a leg this yr for something that will prob be in the garbage in a few mnths anyway. My limit was 20.00 a person. Hey, the same way other people like to say "I dont have alot of money for gifts" then I can do it too. I am only getting gifts for Ben's 2 nieces,  my 1 niece, my goddaughter , my mom ,my 2 sisters and my kids THATS IT!! Whoever doesnt like it too bad! Wow I think I am turing into a Scrooge!!

I am sitting here and its getting later and later... I dont want to go to sleep though because tomorrow will just be the same. I have to go to Church tomorrow. We are going to officially be welcomed into that church. It is called the "Rite of Acceptance". For those who are curious I am Catholic.

I am getting baptized, I am doing my Communion and Confirmation all on the Sat before Easter Sun. This is a requirement to be able to get married in a Church.

That is another thing stressing me out. I have not even begun planning this wedding. I dont even know if I still want to go thru with it. Its all too complicated.Maybe now I am the one getting cold feet. "SIGH" Who knows anymore??

Anyway let me get off of here....Goodnight all!

Steph

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

Post Thanksgiving Day Thoughts(some adult language)

Well Thanksgiving is officially over and now it's time to get ready for CHRISTMAS. Yep its that time of the yr again where we spend ALL our money on gifts and then go home and regret spending all that money on gifts that people will probably regift anyway LOL...

I speak from experience , it always happens to me. I spend hrs and hrs trying to decide what to get each person. Its grueling!! Only to finally get what I consider the "perfect gift". So happens that I find out that that person didnt think it was the perfect gift for them. Hey don't get me wrong NOT everybody in my family does this but the majority of them do LOL.... AND I don't get cheap stuff... I prob spend about 30 to 40 dollars on each person!

This yr I will go cheap and maybe they'll appreciate it more ..Whadda ya think?? :))))

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day.  My day was pretty good.  I woke up about 11:00 and then I got my family ready to go to my mom's house.

Once there I helped my mother with dinner. I made the Ham, and the stuffing ...I know it's not too much but at least I did something... My mother made the Turkey, Potatoes, Rice, Sweet Yams, Salad, Cranberry(well she didn't make it she served it).. We also had something that we call "Pastelles"... It is a Hispanic dish.. Very good!... I brought Dutch Apple Pie and Pumpkin Pie(no I did not make it actually Sara Lee did LOL and it was delicious!!)

We stuffed ourselves, after thanking God for all our blessings.  After Dinner we were all feeling lazy so we watched a movie(Reign over me) with Adam Sandler. It was pretty good but I didn't like the ending. Left you wanting more.

It was a nice and relaxful Thanksgiving. We all joked around and had a good time.  We came home early because Ben had to be up by 3:00am to be at work by 4:30am. After today was the BIG Black Friday. He just got home about an hr ago(10:30pm). I did not rack up on any Black Friday sales. I did not feel like getting pushed and shoved or even trampled at 5:00am. I dont care how great the sales are!!

Today I went to pick up my glasses and I officially look like a dweeb LOL. I have the Sally Jessie Raphael glasses(you guys do remember her huh??) Ohh well at least I am unique LOL....

I was annoyed at Ben yesterday.. Once again he puts me in a uncomfortable position in front of his family. Let me explain.

Basically he has this younger brother(about 24) who has a girlfriend and 2 lil girls. Now this girl is not the best of girlfriends or moms. She is very immature. But we all dealt with her because this was who he chose to start a family with. Anyway since they have been together they have bounced from house to house with the 2 babies.(I'm sure I have an entry about them in my archives) They stayed with me numerous times because I felt bad for them and I tried to put myself in their shoes. She is lazy. Anyway since they have been together they have stayed with is maybe more than 20 different times. Mind you we have 3 kids and only 2 bedrooms. I dealt with it.

The last time they stood with us I finally had to let her know that I could not have her with me anymore because she had 2 babies and it was not very comfortable for me and my family and frankly I just wanted my home back. She was upset but they  finally moved upstate with her mother. They got into a big problem with the mother and they had to leave the mothers house. Once again they were looking for a place to stay. His cousin took them in ....while staying with the cousin I dont know how or why it happened but it ended up they she cheated on him. She told him that she needed space and that she was too stressed out with all their situations. MIND you he left 2 good jobs for her!! He left 2 apts that they were renting for her because she couldnt deal with the baby alone(she wanted to stay with her mother) She can never just stay in one place. So she left him for 2 weeks. During that time as you can imagine he was very upset. He called us and his mom to tell us what happened. Naturally we were all upset!! We told him she wasnt worth his time anyway. We felt that this was the best thing that could have happened to him. BUT he wasin love and he did what most people in love do he took her back... I said after everything she did while here(and there is many things but too much to go into) and after what she did to him I didnt want to be around her anymore. I told Ben that she was no longer welcome in my house. I understood why his brother got back with her..but that it didnt mean that we all had to deal with her anymore. Ben agreed.

Fast forward to yesterday. They came down here to visit his mother... I specifically told Ben "Do not invite them here".... Next thing you know I see Ben going outside to open the door. I asked him what he was doing and he caught an attitude because I was asking questions.... I once again reminded him that I did not want her here... He replied that she wasnt coming down just his brother was.. Fine whatever.

Next thing you know I hear knocking at my door... I open it and lo and behold, who's there... ALL of them... His brother, the girlfriend and the 2 kids... Do you know how annoyed I was???? But I ate it.... Because I didnt want to be rude.... At first I didnt say one word to her for over a hf hr. I had my back to her while on th computer.... Eventually though I felt uncomfortable because I do not like to be rude... It's just not in my character. SO I talked to her.... she talked back...

They were here for about 2 hrs..Babies running around, making a mess and here it is 10pm and they seem to have no intentions of leaving... I am getting a bit worried here. I am getting a bad feeling. At about 10:30 I see his brother pull Ben aside and I hear them whispering.... I already know what its about..... I am dreading every min that passes by.. Ben comes back into the living room and has the audacity to ask me if I mind that she stay up here with one of the kids because there was only room for his brother and 1 kid in his mom's house... WTF you I freaking mind..How dare you even ask me this and to top it off in front of them??.... Am I supposed to be a Bitch and say UMMM yes I do freaking mind???? I stood shut for a min and then I say "Well you know there is no room here. We do not have the bunkbeds anymore. Instead of Ben saying "yea thats true he goes on to say "Well she can sleep on Kaitlyn's bed(our daughter).... I look at him and if looks can kill he would be dead. I say "Well where is Kaitlyn supposed to sleep?? Again he says "Well she can sleep in the boy's bed or with us.... This freaking guy... I dont say anything after that.

Time goes by and I guess they are waiting for me to say yes or no. I am not going to say anything... If she is going to stay then whatever. Finally at 11 something Ben says Well I have to go to bed, ... Her and his brother go over by the door and start whispering. Finally the brother says I'll be back I am going to go ask Moms something... Ben asks her what that was all about. She comes out and says that he went down to see where they could all sleep in his moms house.  Ben says but why you know ya'll all cant fit down there.. She comes out and says "Well it doesnt matter.. I dont want to stay where I am going to have problems.

Basically I think she got upset because I didnt say yes or no. Frankly I dont freaking care... You just dont come up somewhere, say you going to go back home the same day and then end up staying and then expect everybody to just accept you in. I've done it many times before and thats it.

So they all slept downstairs.  I dont how but I dont care. Some of you may think that I am mean but I am really not, just fed up that I always have to eat my words.

Today I brought it up to Ben and it was turning into an argument. He says that I only think its my house... UMMM no its both of our house.. But he should respect the decisions that I make. I've never ever said NO until yesterday. WHY should I have to accept them and give up MY kids beds?? He didnt want to hear none of what I was saying.....Thats what I hate that he can never see where I'm coming from. I told him off and then we hanged up. When he got home I didnt mention it but the next time he pulls this shit I am going to be a bitch and say NO to each and everyone of them. Poll about this at end of entry.... Be honest!

 

Wow this turned into a long entry... I am going to end this with sharing some pics of my dorky glasses LOL..... Hate the glare of the computer monitor... Webcam is on top of it and I didnt feel like getting the digicam LOL

What do ya'll think of my glasses??? LOL HONEST NOW

 

Random and Rambling Thoughts...

Hello All,

Everything is fine over here I guess.

I am feeling better than I was 2 weeks ago but I still do not feel 100 percent myself. 

I am a lil worried right now because it was about 2 weeks ago that I got the "procedure" done. Well the first 2 days I didn't bleed but then the next day I started bleeding. It was nothing heavy. Then it stopped after about 3 days. What worries me now is that it started again, nothing heavy just light but why after 2 weeks am I still bleeding?

I haven't called a Dr. or gone to the ER because its not heavy(I dont even fill up a pad) but I am worried why its still coming down.

These past couple of days I have been sort of sad and regretful about my decision. I think about how it may have looked, I think about hugging and kissing it and I feel so sad. I believe I made the right decision but what if I was meant to have another child?

Lately I have been getting anxiety attacks(not panic attacks) yes they are different. I have been feeling light headed and just overall thinking that something is going to happen. The other day I started to cry in the bathroom and I asked God "Why me? What did I do that was soo wrong that I have to spend my days feeling like this?? When will I wake up and be "normal"? or should I say feel "normal".

I just feel like a bad mother and wife at times. Everybody tells me that I am not, but how am I not if I can't even enjoy and do the simple things such as take a walk to the park or even laugh at a joke without thinking that this is the day that something is going to happen to me.  I don't know if there is anyone out there who understands what I am going through but I wish that I could meet at least one person who can tell  me that they tell go though this and that I am not alone.  I'm always thinking that I am sick, like heart disease(I am only 29) or diabetes, all kinds of things. To go through all the illnessess that I think that I have we'll be here forever.

I went to the Eye DR the other day and I finally got my glasses. My vision is not bad I just need them to read, watch TV or to be on the computer. Maybe thats where all the headaches and light headness is coming from.

Today I went SHOPPING, but not for me "SIGH". I bought sons a new pair of sneakers. I swear these kids do not know how to take care of their sneakers. They just got a pair in Sept and they needed a new pair already! I WILL not buy white sneakers anymore! From now on its black. These sneakers are not CHEAP. They ranged in price from 65.00 to 100.00 for my 11 yr old. I finally settled on a pair that cost me 65.00. My 9 yr old wasnt too bad. He got a pair that cost 45.00 and then for my daughter I bought a pair of black boots that were 25.00. Nothing for me but I did manage to get Ben to give me some money to get my hair done yesterday. It cost me 30.00. I got it washed and blown dry. I cant believe how long my hair looks when its straight. I love the way it looks right now. I may post some pics to show it off LOL.

My children all got their first semester report cards, They all did good, except my middle son needs some extra help with math, science and social studies.  I bought him some workbooks that we can do together.

Let's see, what else is new here???? HMMM Has anyone even started their xmas shopping yet??

Well if you haven't then join my club LOL, I have not even begun. I do not know what I am going to get for my list of people. I always say tthat I am going to start early and always end up doing it 2 weeks before xmas. Its just so overwhelming LOL... What the heck do we get people??  At least I dont have too many people to get. Yea I am getting stingy this yr LOL, Hey I can't afford to get gifts for people only to have them give them to other people. Yes this has happened to me....  so why not keep my money in my pocketbook?

Thanksgiving is coming and I have no IDEA what we are going to do. My mother can not make up her mind about whether or not she wants to stay home and cook or go to her sister's house.I will not go to my aunt's house so if my mom goes over there I dont know what I will do. I guess I will just stay home and make my own dinner for my lil family.

Well the wedding is still on. We are still looking to do it on Aug, 8th, 2008. Funny thing is I haven't started planning anything. I was looking for dresses but once I found out that I was pregnant I stopped. I have to get on the ball again because sooner than you know its going to be summer again. Time goes by so fast.  I have been going to church every Sunday and I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel so much better knowing that I am closer to God.

OHH before I forget I went to the GYN this Tuesday that just passed. I wanted to go ASAP because I have not had a pap smear in 7 yrs. I just wanted to make sure that I do not have cervical cancer. They were really good. She did the pap smear, took some blood and even did a sonogram just to make sure that my uterus and cervix were back to normal since I had that "procedure" done.  She said everything looked great. She did not see anything on my cervix, (I still need to wait for the pap results) BUT she told me something that BLEW my mind.. I can not share this right now because I have to know for certain. I will know for sure by not this Tuesday but the following. I will just say that this is something that could potentially break up my relationship.

I pray its nothing because I know Ben loves me... but what  does love have to do with anything nowadays??? Just because you love somebody it doesn't mean that you can not be stupid and do stupid shit,... you do it and then regret it later. Let me not jump the gun here.  I dont want you guys to jump the gun either... I am not saying that Ben cheated on me..... AHH lets get of this topic because I might just be confusing you guys.

I just needed to get that off my chest...this is my journal and I try to be as honest as I possibly can in here. I just write whats going through my head at the moment. It might make sense and it might not LOL.

Summer has come to an end and so has all the drama that was going on with my "so called" friends. Everyone has calmed down. No one is knocking on my door everyday to tell me BS about one another.. I am just sticking to myself and not paying mind to whatever is going on outside my house. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with the immature "she said, she said".

Ok, I think this is enough for now..... I am going to bed.

Ohh yea, what keeps my sane is my new hobby... PSP LOL.

If you haven't seen my new tag journal go check it out. Its called *Simply Gorjuss Creations*. I am having so much fun with it.

Well that's all for now FOLKS...

Goodnight all!

Hugs to all of YA'll!!!!

Steph

 

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

All I need is one wish that's all I'm asking for!

         

Thank you my dear friends for the comments and support ya'll gave me.. I am starting to feel like myself again. The only thing I am now feeling is a constant worry that something is going to happen to me. This is part of the anxiety I know.... I am still sad over what I did, especially that now I am finding out that some people I know are pregnant. This hurts me so much but deep inside I think I made the right decision for myself and my family.

 

All I want is one wish of mine to come true, thats all I need.... My wish is that this anxiety would be gone and I could live my life normal like any other person. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that today might be the day that I am going to die, or that I am sick and I am going to have to go to the hospital. I want to be free of worries and all anxieties. Will this ever come true?? I pray so.

 

Yesterday I started getting the wanting to make tags back... Its slowly creeping up on me. I went to the CILM and AMI websites to see if I can purchase some tubes and a license, but it just confuses me LOL... I dont know how to do it.. I dont know what is the difference in purchasing images or tubes.  The ones I really want are from Susan Woolcott, I just love her work! I just need to figure  out how to purchase them.

 

Today there is no school, so my brats are home.. Hopefully they act like lil angels today. Though I highly doubt it.

So who is getting ready for Christmas?? This year I vowed to start early so that I dont get caught doing last last minute shopping like every other yr. I love this time of yr. I love the cold and the spirit of the holidays! Hopefully this can help being me out of the funk that I am in.

 

I am worried about my lil sister. She is 17 yrs old and recently went to the GYN. They did the normal PAP smear. It came back abnormal. So they had her go in for additional testing where they took a piece of her cervix. Yesterday the receptionist form the DR"S office called her and told her that that something showed up and that she need more extensive testing. What got me mad was that she said she couldnt explain what she meant! She said she wasnt even supposed to tell my sister anything but that she wanted to warn her. What the fuck was the sense of telling a half ass reason?? So I called them pretending to be my mother but they said they couldnt give me any explanations over the phone.. IDIOTS! So now my we are all worried and my sister was crying because she says why did this have to happen to her.. She has to go in tomorrow. My mother is going to go in with her and demand that they tell her what the hell is going on. I understand the whole confidentiality stuff but if my sister wants my mom to know then what the hell is the big deal.

In a way this whole protection of tteenage girls is ridiculous. Do yoou know how many teenage girls were in the abortion clinic that day!! It is a shame that such a procedure can be done without a parent knowing. What if something were to happen to her??? What if there were complications?  I don't know!

 

I just pray that everything is ok with my baby sister! She doesnt need to go through this at such a young age.

Well I guess this is it for now.

 

Love to all of you!

Steph

Why must things get so difficult??

 

I know it's been awhile since I last made an entry.... I need to get a lot of things off my chest and this is the only place I can turn to for now.

 

First off I want to apologize to those who made requests in my Tag journal that I have not fulfilled as of yet. I have been going through so much that I do not have it in me right now to be creative. I'm sorry. Hopefully I will be back at it soon but for now its on hold.

 

I think I mentioned in one of the journals that I was pregnant. I had so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy, Happiness, Sadness, fear, and others that at this time are hard to explain. Ben and I had made a choice that we were going to have the baby and deal with whatever was thrown our way. Part of me did not want to have another child for the simple fact that I am not one who likes change and for another I was scared that what happened to me after having my daughter would happen again.  First let me explain what I mean when I say I don't like change..... Right now we have 3 children and I am comfortable with that. It is hard and sometimes it can get very tiring at times but I am used to it.... to have another child would almost be like disrupting what we already have and the way things are. To have to start all over again with a baby is something that I wasn't sure that I was ready to do.... I don't know if anyone can understand what I am trying to say here.

 

The decision to have the baby was mostly for Ben, who I know always wanted another child. I love him to death and I didn't want to take away something that I knew he was looking forward to. So that was that... BUT then I got sick... I mean SICK in a very bad way. I could NOT keep anything down, no water, no juice or anything solid. Even if I had nothing in my stomach was empty I still threw up. If that wasn't bad enough I had the worst burning sensation in my Stomach. I felt like my stomach was on fire! That was the worst part. I could not sleep or do anything but cry. After awhile I got so weak that I wasn't able to care for my kids the way that I wanted to. I had my mother in law and neighbor take them to school twice for me but how long could I depend on them??

I felt like a failure and a burden to everybody.... Finally I had enough, as much as I hate the hospital I decided to go. I was there from 5pm till 2am..... They had me on IV, and the gave me meds to stop the vomiting and burning. They said that I had ketones in my urine which was a sign of starvation.  They said I might need to be admitted.. I did not want to stay there at all.

 

The meds worked for awhile but after they wore off everything came back. They wanted to start me off on more meds but I refused. I mean what is the sense if it is just going to come back.... So I went home miserable. I was given an ultrasound but she didnt even tell me how far along I was, she said she just wanted to see if there was a heartbeat which there was.

 

That night I started to think...... Did I really want to go through with this??? How was I going to be a mother to my other kids if I couldnt even take care of myself?? Could I even survive going on like this until this sickenss went away... I felt torn... I wanted this for Ben but I didnt want this for me... How do I tell him,?? What do I do??

Do I sacrifice my health again?? God please guide me to make the right decision. I prayed for God's guideness over and over again... I prayed that I feel better....

 

Monday came and I just couldnt anymore. I spent my days crying and throwing up. I hated knowing that my kids seen me like this. I hated knowing that I had to count on Ben for everything. He would go to work and have to come home and do all that I couldnt. I stopped talking to friends and going online because I was too sick. When Ben came home that night I asked him , How would he feel if I didnt go through with this pregnancy. I told him I didnt want to hurt, that it tore me up to know that I had to break his heart.. I apologized to him over and over... He told me that he was Ok with whatever decision I made. He said that all he wanted was for me to be myself again.... God this was soooooo hard.... I can not tell you guys how much pain I was in to have to make a decsion like the one that I was going to have to make...

 

I prayed again and asked God to forgive me for even thinking about doing this. I prayed again for guidance. I prayed for the strength to make the right decision for my family and myself.

That night I made the decision that if I was going to be a good mother to my 3 kids, as well as for myself  I was not going to go through with the pregnancy.

 

I know alot of you are not going to agree with my decision but I have no one to ask for forgiveness but the Lord himself! I do not want to hear anyone's comments bashing me for the decision that I made! I feel bad already as it is.

So a few days later I went and got it done.... Most difficult time anyone woman will ever have to go through... Even at the clinic I sat and agonized over my decision. I asked Ben again and again if he was Ok. I was soo scared.... Not only was I still sick but I was terrified of the consequences of having an abortion as well as the Sin that I was committing. I felt guilty!

I was given an ultrasound, of course I did not look at the screen. I was 8 weeks.... I dont think I would have made it another month with how sick I was. I had told myself that if I was further along let's say 10- 12 weeks I would have kept it.

 

It was the most terrible experience and I was glad to be out  of there! I will not go into details because I know some people are not ok with it.

It is now about 4 days later and I feel myself getting depressed... DiD I make the wrong choice??? Not only that but I am so scared of the side effects of getting an abortion done.  I am scared of infection or hemeraging(Sp) ..... There are comments that have been said that make me feel even guiltier...

 

I still feel like a failure and a burden.... I feel like I do not do anything..... People say that I am not doing anything with myself... this coming from someone who was suppoesed to be a friend!  She says I am lazy or at least thats what I got from the comment she made.... Even though I do whatever it takes to make sure my household is running as is. I am not going to say that I do EVERYTHING but I do what I have to do. Just because I dont work why is it that people judge me because of that.... Shit live a day in my life and see how my life is! 

 

I went to church today and I prayed for forgiveness. I felt like I didnt belong in church after what I did. 

 

I just dont know .... Why is there always an obstacle to overcome in my life?? What am I doing wrong that I can never be happy??

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever make everyone else who judge me happy? Will people ever accept me for me?? Will I ever be somebody in other peoples eyes?? Why do I even care??

 

When will my life be normal?? When will I stop thinking of the worst and think of good things?? Am I feeling sorry for myself or am I right to feel the way I do?? Are people right in the way they view me??

Do I need to get a job?? Am I lazy?

So many questions and all the time the same answers... No. Never, I don't know......

 

I am grateful to be alive , then why do I always worry that I am going to die tomorrow?

 

Why do I push away the people who are there for me??

 

I know that I do not want anymore children and I am now looking into getting my tubes cut. Thats it. I told him Ben that it is ok if he wants to leave because I know he wants more children. Remember he only has 1 child.... He said he was not going anywhere but who knows how he is going to feel in the future.

If I could I would but my body can not handle anymore pregnancies.

 

Well I am going to go now.... I hope and pray that everything will be ok, So please pray for my family...

 

I hope everyone is well,.... You guys are in my thoughts.... I will be around your places soon.

Love,

Stephanie

It's HERRRRRRRRRRE! My new Tag Journal!!!!

Ok, I finally did it! I opened up my new journal! You can go here--------> journals.aol.com/mommylildevils/help-me-name-my-journal

I need you guy's help naming my new journal... Go there to see why! HURRYYY GO NOW LOL!

 

Bringing Sexy Back LOL

I'm getting somewhere now..I'm almost up there with you guys LMAO..Well Not YET..but one day.. This one came out very good I think BUT I had ALOT of trouble figuring it all out.. I had to redo like 4 times before I finally got it right...

Everything is good over here so far, My mom is over here spending the night with us. A miracle right? LOL..Well we have just been hanging out.We ordered some good Mexican food and we are watching Grey's Anatomy.Yea I got her into it too.

Tomorrow I think we are going to go look around for gifts for my nieces first birthday which is next week. I have no idea what to get her. What do you give someone who has everything.

If you would like your name on this let me know. Since I had a lot of trouble with this one, I am going to ask that if anyone wants it please request 1.

Soon to come.... My very own Tag Journal... Not sure when its coming but its coming LOL..

Goodnight all and hope all my friends are doing well!

HUGS XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Just for FUN! I won't be offfended SERIOUSLY! LOL

Finally an entry on my LIFE!

Ok, So the 23rd of September is officially the first day of Fall, so why in the hell are we going to be in the high eighties today??. I can't stand the summer and I soo look forward to  the chilly brisk Autumn days. 

As you guys probably have noticed I have been neglecting this journal with adding any real entries. So I have finally decided it's time.

First thing is first, the Baptism is over and done with. It was on the 16th of Sept. The church was beautiful and the priest was a really down to earth non boring funny guy. Sarah looked GORGEOUS! Her dress was sooo beautiful. The Godmother did a really good job in picking out the dress. At first I felt left out and a lil bad that I wasn't the one baptizing her, But that all went away as soon as the priest started the Baptism.

Afterwards we went back to my sis in laws house. The Godmother had the food catered. It was all Hispanic food that was DELICIOUS. There was so much food! Everyone was able to eat 2nd and 3rds. Now you guys must be thinking what did Ben contribute to the Baptism. Well in the Catholic Church when you baptize someone they ask for a donation to the church. So Ben put 80.00 in the envelope. Then he bought the cake. It was soo good! It had a  Strawberry and Pineapple as well as Custard filling, with whipped cream frosting.  Today we are going to buy the baby a bracelet as a gift from us. We also gave her money in a card the day of the Baptism.  Overall it was really nice.

This was the first time that my sis in law and I had seen each other since our little fallout back in June. We had not spoken to each other since June either. I was kind of hesistant about going for this reason. When we got there though it was a lil uncomfortable at first but then it was just like old times. Now we are back on track talking once again LOL.

Last week I was sooooo upset at my kids. I now know that I have created spoiled selfish brats! Yes I know that sounds bad but its the truth. I only have myself to blame though.I wanted to give my kids all that I never had when I was growing up and in doing that I have raised children that have no appreciation for anything.

It all started on Friday. Ben wanted to take the kids out. He wanted to take them to the Disney Store because the 2 lil ones are such big fans of High School Musical. That was the plan. BUT we never got to the Disney Store because we never found it. So instead we went to Toys R Us on 42nd Street Times Square. When we got there Ben bought tickets for all of us(including my neighbor's daughter) to ride the Ferris Wheel. Just that alone came out to $24.00. Ok they had fun. It was nice. Then we went to look around. Of course everything they seen they wanted. My boys instead of looking for something different the only thing they wanted was a video game. I am sooo sick and tired of video games and I refused to buy any. Of course they were upset. Then my daughter went into the Barbie House.  Of course she wanted a Barbie Doll, but if you guys seen how MANY Barbie dolls she has you would flip out. So I didnt want to buy anymore dolls. There was nothing else she wanted .. She was understanding but NOW she wanted us to take her to Build A Bear Workshop.

Ok now its time to leave Toys R Us. For the first time EVER we left that store without buying a TOY. We walked around and we seen Ruby Tuesdays. So we decided to treat the kids to dinner. We got a table fast and our waiter came to take our order really fast. Something we are not used to in the city. Now my kids can not make up their minds. Finally we get all the orders straight. Now we just have to wait. Ok do you think my kids would behave themselves since we are in a restuarant. UHH No they all start to play around and bicker amongst each other. My older son ended up spilling Ben's drink. At this point I am annoyed and almost in tears. I sooo wished that it was just Ben and I. I am so annoyed that we always take them with us and do so many things to make them happy and this is how they repay us. My mood is not good. I was also annoyed because this Ruby Tuesday's Menu was just one page! It had about 10 choices on the menu. WTF! I just picked out anything and hoped that it would be good.

Finally the food comes... Thankfully my food is really good. I must say that my kids did eat all their food. Bill comes...Guess how much 82.00.. Wow! Its time to get out of here and I dont think we will be going over there again. I must admit though our waiter was REALLY GOOD and he was cute LOL.

So now we decide maybe we should take them to Build A Bear Workshop so my daughter can get an outfit for her Poodle. Then we figured on Sunday Ben would take the boys to Gamestop. I know I said no more video games but what the hell... SOOO we walk and walk and walk and walk. Around in circles....looking for this damn store. ALLL this time my oldest son is F*&$$$ annoying the hell out of me. He was upset because I didnt let him wear his new school sneakers. So now he decides to complain that his toe is hurting because I made him wear the old sneakers and they dont fit him(REALLY just 2 weeeks ago they were PERFECT and the onnly sneakers he would wear the entire summer) Also I know that he is upset because we are walking around loooking for a store that he knows he is not going to get anything from. So he starts crying and complaining the ENTIRE WAY! Walking sooo damn SLOW. I feel like strangling him. Of course I am the one dealing with this bullshit because Ben is way in front of us. Which also annoyed the hell out of me. UHH did you forget that we are your family too.? So I keep on telling my son to stop his shit. We are going back and forth and I know people are looking at us. OMG you dont know how BAD I just wanted to get lost. I honestly did not want to be around my kids at this time.

I couldnt believe that after everything they could act like this. Yea its just my oldest acting up right now but the other two can be just as unappreciative. That day I realized that I have done a really bad thing. I have given my children EVERYTHING they have ever asked for and now to them  its like we HAVE to always give give give.  They know no value of a dollar and how much work it takes to earn a dollar. I have shielded them from seeing the hardships of life. I have made it so that they have never had to want for anything and in doing all of this I have created SPOILED SELFISH BRATS who do not think about anyone but themselves.

Now how do I correct this?? Is it too late.??? I swore that day that from now on they will only get from us things that they need. They will only receive gifts on special occassions. When they get good grades they will only be given 10.00. If they want something that costs more they will have to save. That is another thing that my children DO NOT know how to do. On the occassions when they do get gifts they will only get one gift a piece and there will be a limit on much we can spend. I need to show them that life is not easy. Life can be very hard and if you dont appreciate what you have then you might as well have nothing.

I also swore to myself that even if I have to pay a babysitter... Ben and I will go out every other weekend ALONE. No kids. We need our time too. It is not fair that everything we live breathe and work for is revolved around these kids. Dont get me wrong I LOVE and adore my kids, but we need to think about ourselves too.

I pray that my children will open their eyes and see that what they have is because their dad bust his ass every day working 12 hr days 6 days a week to make sure they have everything they need and want. I want them to see that I still have clothes from 10 yrs ago that I still wear because every lil bit of money I get I spend on them. I just want them to grow and appreciate both big AND little things no matter what it is.

I am so disapointed in myself because I AM their parent. I WAS supposed to show them from little. I WAS the one who always said YES when Ben said NO.  I am the one who thought that by giving them everything I was being a good mother. I was the one who didnt want them to feel like I did when I was little watching my cousins and friends play with stuff that I only wished I had. I am the one who needed their drawers to stuffed with so much clothes that most of them they never used more than twice. WHY?? Because when I was little I had only one draw of clothes and my sneakers came from the Foot Doctor who at the time would give free sneakers. I did all this because I didnt want my kids to feel the pain I did when I was snubbed by popular kids  because my clothes and sneakers were cheap.  I wanted to spare them the pain of being made fun of because they didnt have a nice house... SO I just got them the best of evertthing. Little did I know that while I was thinking I was doing right by them, I was actually doing wrong... I need to fix it.

The problem is with me. I need to prove to people that I have stuff. I need to prove to them that I am not poor. I want them to see that just because we have 3 kids doesnt mean that we have nothing. Therefore I can not blame my kids... I can only blame myself.

But believe me I am going to make sure that my kids do not grow up like this anymore. It is going to be hard on them but I know at the end it is the best thing for them.

I am going to end this entry here... I will be back later on to make another entry because there are still things I need to get off my chest. Why is it that I am always looking for that one perfect friend?? I need to stop and accept the fact that I will never have that one true friend. It seems all of my friends at one point or another end up being hypocrites. I can not take it anymore. I would rather be alone.

Thanks for reading..... To be continued.........

New Heart Photo Frame

I love this picture of my babies.. If anyone would like me to do this for them just comment and then I will ask for one of your favorite pics. I seriously need to do a real update in my journal. I am so busy messing with PSP that I am neglecting this journal. I am losing track of what I wanted to use this journal for. It definitely wasnt for tags LOL. I might open up another journal, just dont think I am good enough that people would actually want to go to see my stuff.. Anyway I will do that entry soon. Please bear with me. I hope I am not boring my reader away LOL.

I hope everyone is doing well, Goodnight and Take Care my Friemds..

Luv and Hugs to all!!!

Wait WAIT, One last one LOL...

 Before I went to take a shower I couldn't resist one more LOL... I really need some new stuff, Like frames and Accents and what nots.. I'm getting tired of using the same ol'. This one is kind of simple but cute.. OK NOW Im really out of here!!  BYEEEE LOL

Lazy Sunday

 This is a snag for whomever likes it... Just something that I did in the group that I am in.. Learned how to use the Mosiac Effect.. 

Didn't do too much today.. Just went to the Supermarket and picked up a few things that were on sale. After that we came home and I cooked.. I made Baked Chicken with Yellow Rice and Peas.. MMM came out pretty good if I do say so myself LOL..

Ben has officially started his week's vacation today. We all got together and watched a family movie together. It was cute.  I don't know if any of you have seen it. It's a pretty old one. "Harry and the Hendersons". It was really funny. The kids enjoyed it.

Tomorrow they go back to school and my week officially begins. When I take them to school tomorrow, I have to stop by the office and get the signed up for After-School. They will then be in school till 6pm. It gives me time to take care of what I need to. After that I have an appt. I have to drop off some papers with my new Case Manager.

OOOO Guess what?? Grey's Anatomy Season 3 is going to come out in Boxset on TUESDAY!! I can't wait!! I have been dying for this day to come LOL... Prison Break Season 2 came out last week but I didn't have the money to get it :(  I will soon though.

UGHH I have to pay the Private company that takes my Oldest son to school tomorrow. I have to give him 170.00. That is definitely going to hurt our pockets but I guess its a hurt that we have to deal with. At least we are at ease with him getting to school safe and sound..

Well I am going to go and take a shower now... Gotta get ready for my day tomorrow....

Goodnight all... Love and Hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Reflection

I'm not sure if I like this , But this is what I came up with and I just wanted to share.

I have not been online in a few days because I was disconnected. DAMMM Cablevision!! I can not stand them. I had to pay 327.00 before they reconnected me! I am now looking into "Dish" and I will keep the phone and internet with Cablevision... Bills Bills Bills! Thats all there is to look forward to.

I had to remove myself from a few groups because the amount of mail was just getting to be too much for me... I came back to find that I had over 1,000 emails. Geezz that was alot of mail to go thru. Since I am still not too familiar with where I should be saving my tubes and such, it was just too much.. I felt like I would never learn anything if all I did was sort thru mail all day long.. SUCKS! I am having some problems saving tubes and being able to access them when I click on the tubes button...

I have so many ideas , but dont know how to execute them. I have collected a lot of tubes but dont know how to use them properly... UGHH! Anyways..

Everything on the homefront is still the same. I am just going to say that there is drama brewing in the pot. I am finding myself right smack dab in the middle of it! I have 2 neighbors that just cannot stand each other. Now they are doing this whole "she said" "she said" thing. Both of them have come to me with Ohhh such and such said this about you.... Now I do not know who to believe! This is all sooo petty. We are grown woman for pete's sake... Frankly I do not want to be involved and if this continues I am going to have to end both friendships.. I hate when I think I have friends and it turns out that all I had was high expectations. Both tell me the same thing "Ohh dont tell her that I told you" So then why tell me the shit at all if you dont want me to confront the person/??

My electric is about to be cut off soon .. Why??? Well because I refuse to pay the damm bill! I have spoken with Con Ed many times. I let them know that I wanted someone to come out and see why my bill each month is over 200.00. I mean everybody that I know get normal bills like 80.00 or so dollars.. My bill is not normal. Some of my neighbors have 2 or 3 AC's which add up to my 12,00 BTU unit and they still dont get the high bill like me.

Con Ed does not want to come out. They said that it was because its summer and I am using the AC... Freaking idiots. So now my bill is up to 1,000 and I am guess I am going to have to pay the damn thing. If its not one thing its another I tell you.

Then my mother is too much sometimes.... Before she left to Florida, we went to Circuit City together. While there I bought a movie and she wanted the same one, BUT she didnt have the money to spend. She asks me if I can put it on my credit card. I did without a problem. Movie came out to 23.00 Ok.....She came back from Florida and Ben was strapped for cash so he asked her if she could lend him 20.00 to get back and forth to work. She lent it to him. Before she left she had told me that she would give me the money for the movie when she got back. I said Ok... Well she got back and I didnt want to ask her for it. I felt bad... Today while we were talking she asked me if Ben had gotten paid. I said Yes, She goes on to tell me "He owes me 20.00." I couldnt believe it.. He knows he owes her money.. he jjust got paid today!... SO I say "Well you owe me 20.00 too.. She goes No I dont. For what?? I tell her" For the movie that you wanted before you left. "What movie?" she says. I tell her "the movie that you wanted Etc Etc.. She goes "Didnt I pay for that already?" UMMM Nooo how could you pay for it when you were in Florida?" She just says "Ohhh"...

I would have never asked her for that money. I would have paid my credit card bill myself. After all its 20.00 BUT when she threw that in my face I  couldnt stay shut... So either she can call it equal or Ben will give her the money, but she is just going to have to give it back anyway... Sucks when you have family like this right?

Ughhh I am getting annoyed right now, My son keeps on repeating his famous quote "I'm BORED". "SIGH" ... No matter what he is always bored. I told him he can color, draw , read, play with the thousands of toys they have, or watch a movie. Noo all that is boring too. He wants to go out. Little does he know I would like to go out too, If only I had money to go somewhere. They dont understand that we just dished out 327. 00 so that they can have TV... and I can have the Internet... I am broke right now...

Sooo let me go see if I can find a good movie that we can all watch.... Wish me luck OK..

Hope all is well out here in J-land... Big hugs to ALL of you!!!!

 

Tweety & School

 Calling all Tweety fans, Look what I made!....... Tried a new Tut.... This time it was learning how to create a swirl.... Everything else was my idea LOL...

Its cute! If you want it let me know :)

School started today and it was GOOD.. I was a lil upset this morning though... Reason: Well I took my oldest son to school today because I figured that I could help him find out where his class and meet his teacher... Well come to find out that Parents WERE not allowed in the school yard!!! SOOO the new children my son included had to find their classes and where to line up themselves.... I was nervous because I know how my son is... He will stand around not daring to ask anyone questions and then after awhile he will just start crying.... I stood there till ALLLL the classes went inside the school just to make sure that he went with a class and wouldnt be left in the yard.

I was worried all day, BUT for nothing ..When I finally picked him up he told me that he actually asked someone to direct him and then he was fine... WOW I am sooo proud of my baby! I didnt expect that from him but I guess he is growing up and I am jusst being too overprotective.

He pretty much enjoyed his day and he likes the new school.. He showed me his schedule and I was just amazed that my baby is actually in Middle School! He finds it so cool that he doesnt have to stay in one classroom the whole eight hrs... WOW I remember when I was in Junior High! DAMMMMM I cant believe my baby is there!

My other 2 babies were fine.... They both said they had a GREAT day... I think it was more the fact that the school backyard  now has a playground... They didnt have anything but a yard before... My kiddies looked sooooo adorable this morning! I wanted to take pics so that I could show them off and my dumb azz forgot all about it until they were in school LOL... SHEESHH.. BUT I will take some tomorrow LOL...

I came home and did what I havent done in a loooooong time (NO NOT SLEEP) I cleaned my house thouroughly! It felt good to be back into cleaning mode LOL.... No sooner was I finished that I realizeed it was already time to go get the kids..Dammmm time goes fast when you dont want it to..

I went and got them, then we went to the supermarket... By the time we got home I made them take showers, do homework (YESS they got HW already) and then they ate dinner and watched an hr of TV and then it was off to bed at 9:00PM.. Let me tell you those kiddies were alsleep 5 mins later. SOmething that has not happened since summer began.

Hopefully tomorrw goes as smooth... I still have to write about the DRAMA that is going on  with my neighbors and "Supposed" friends of mine, But I will do that tomorrow.  Right now I am off to bed because I am TIRED...

Goodnight all ..

Love and Hugs to ALL

Angelic...

 I just made this one... I like it....  I learned how to make an image appear as if it were torn out of a magazine......Still learning and still following tuts... But guess what?? I filled 2 tag request LOL... Omg can't believe that I am actually learning... If you guys see anything you like feel free to request..

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kiddies.. I am kind of nervous and excited all at the same time... I will update tomorrow on how it all went and I ALSO have to write about possibly being betrayed by someone I really considered my friend :(

Goodnight and I hope you all enjoyed your BBQ'S LOL..

Love and Hugs to alll ;)

 

I'm sorry, one last one LOL ..Couldn't resist

 Ain't he cute??? LOL... Couldn't resist sharing... I resized image and then added the border... After that I made a lil areea to add the name... OK I"M OUT OF HERE LOL

Tag I made in a group I joined

  I recently joined a group because I needed some tutorials to follow from LOL... I must say it is helping but the amount of mail that I get is crazy! I am in Beginners's LOL so this tag is not anything grand, just a cute something.

Hope everyone is doing good and are already  prepared for the new school year.. I am done and ready LOL... Now I just need to find something to do while my brats are in school.

Want to wish a Happy and SAFE Labor day Weekend!!! Enjoy!

P.S. If anyone likes the above tag so much that you cant live without LOL I can add any name on it... Let me know...

 Here I learned how to Add Text in a path... Nice huh??

Here I learned how to use layers and Masks!! I'm almost there LOL.... It's pretty COOL... Hope you guys LIKE..

I learned with this Tut how to make Tags from scratch, Cute, Notice how he is holding up my name LOL.. I'm corny right

Last one for tonight, I did a border and frame with this tag... Its kind of plain but now I know how to do it with other tags... I hope you like them all.... Can you guys please give me some feedback as to what you think, ... Have a goodnight all

Love and HUGS to all my J-land friends and to those of you who are going thru some hard times right now Stay Strong and Keep your heads up!!!

School shopping, and an Emotional Breakdown

To all of my friends who come to check up on me every now and again... Right about now my mood is not too great. I have a headache and I am very annoyed. Before I get into why I am in this mood, let me just say that I have finally taken care of 90 percent of my kids school things.

My mind is finally at ease. Today Ben and I went Downtown and bought most of what was needed. Since all 3 of my children wear uniforms it was quite easy because we went to the store knowing ahead of time what we were going to get. It turned out way better than I expected. We did not spend as much as I thought we were. My initial budget was to spend 200.00 on each child, WELL Lo and behold we actually spent 207.00 on ALLL 3 children.!!!! (Well just on Clothes) I got my daughter, a uniform dress, skirt, pant,  skort, 4 packs of stockings, and 2 button down blouses. She can not complain this yr about only having the option of wearing the dress like last yr. This yr I made SURE I got all 4 LOL... Her colors are Pink Blouse, and Burguny and Grey Plaid bottom.  For the boys I got 2 pairs each of Dickies Trousers as these always look good with any footwear that I choose to get them. My littlest son wears Grey pants and then the oldest now needs to wear Navy Blue. They each got 2 White button down shirts. And theirs ties.... One Navy Blue and White Plaid and the other Burgundy and Grey Plaid...  That was it for clothing... Next week I will buy the boys 2 more pants each and about 3 more white shirts since BOYS love to ruin these white shirts.

Next it was on to Payless where they were having THE BOGO sale.. Buy one get one half off.. I got my daughter a pair of Brats Hi top Converse Style sneakers and a pair of Black Casual Dress shoes.. There I spent 30.00. The boys I DO NOT buy at Payless because with boys (in my opinion you have to spend a lil more for them to look good) SO I am going to go to Footlocker with a coupon that I have for 40% off. I will either get them a pair of sneakers or boots, its up to them.

OMG You wont believe that Ben and I then searched hi and low in just about every Dept Store looking for a dammmm High SchoolMusical Backpack!!!!!!!! They were sold out everywhere!!! I felt so bad because about 2 weeks ago my daugter and I were shopping and we seen it and she asked me to get it for her and I told her that we still had enough time to get it.... AND NOW they are nowhere to be found.. UGHHH I should have just gotten it then.. Anyway we finally ended up in Burlington Coat Factory where I finally just settled for a pretty Bratz Backpack and I picked up the boys each a backpack. There I spent 69.00. I can hardly believe I spent that much for bookbags but these kids are gettting older now(and besides Katie getting a character one) So I had to splurge a lil more for the boys. Man the older they get the more expensive they are.

Finally we were done for today. I still need to get the boys footwear , a Looseleaf Binder, Looseleaf paper, Crayons, and Pens. OHH and their Uniform Cardigans for the Fall and Winter.... But at least I got the majority out of the way.

We get home and I am excited to show them their stuff. I also wanted them to try it on to see if I needed to do any returns. Thank Goodness it all fits, though I need to take my daughters stuff to the tailor to get it fitted. I swear the girl is soo skinny but tall. Which means the length fits perfectly but then the waist is sooo big! One of my pet peeves LOL...

ANyway here is where my headaches comes on. As you all know my sister is staying with me while my mom is in Florida. So far I have had no problems with her. She has been obeying the rules and such. That is till today. I had mentioned to her when she first came that it was ok with me that her bestfriend stay over one night. Well a couple of days ago the friend decided that she wanted to come over about 9:30pm... I told her no because to me it was too late for a 16 yr old to be coming out alone , and I didnt appreciate someone coming at that time. Whatever it was fine... Well today I came across an Instant Message between the friend and my sister... The friend wanted to know if she could come over today.... So my sister writes back UMM I dont know if Stephanie would want you to come today.. SO the friend gets an attitude and writes back "Well you know what then I am never going over there because when its ok for me she says no and when its ok for her its not ok withme." SO I asked my sister whats wrong with her?? Since I wasnt even ASKED today if she can come over. Obviosly my sister must have not wanted her company because she just came up with that reason herself.. Then the friend writes Well you can also tell her that she could have said Thank you for the food(Yesterday my sister brought us some food from a BBQ that the friend had at her house).. Ok so when I read that comment I started to get upset because I was like first of all I havent even talked to her yet so How could I have said Thank U?? AND Second of all this damm girl wants to have an attitude with me when I dont even know whats going on!! SO I ask my sister again What is wrong with her friend... My sister starts yelling and carrying on about how nosy I am and how I never want her friend to come over here.. I'm looking at her like WTF??? UMMM I am nosy... Remember its my computer you are on and if you dont like it you can get off! SO I start yelling back and we are now arguing and I am getting really upset because I am trying to tell my sister that I am not upset with her but with her friend... My sister does not want to hear that... She gets up and says I am leaving and she starts packing her stuff... SO after awhile I say you know what Do whatever the hell you want I am not going to stress myself out... So next thing you know my mother calls and asks me for her.. SO I tell her Welll she is over there packing, She asks me why and where is she going .. I tell her I dont know and I dont care, So she asks to put her on the phone.... I can hear my sister telling her shit but I am not saying anything.... Then I take the phone and CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MY MOTHER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I NEED TO GROW UPPPPP!!! She says that its not right that I dont want the friend to come since I said it was ok.... She starts telling me how I always have my friends kids over here and I never tell them anything.... I hear myself trying to explain to her that I did not tell this freaking girl No today but she doesnt want to hear it she just wants to keep tellling me about my friends... SO I am soooo frustrated right now because WTF this is my house I pay the rent and even if I didnt want the friend to come SO WHAT??? So I start to choke up and start crying because no matter what I do I am always wrong in this lady's eyes,... So I just tell you know what whatever!! and I hang up... My sister gets dressed and leaves with her boyfriend leaving all her stuff here so I assume she's coming back!

My mother calls about an hr later talking like nothing has happened( something happened with my other sister) But I dont want to hear it.. She then tells me that my sister is coming back to my house, that she just went to take a walk to calm down... I'm like I dont care if what she does and where she stays.. and I hang up. Of course I feel bad but I dont want to hear it!

Ben and I start to watch the Davinci Code.( very confusing but good movie)... Sister walks in at 12:00am asking me if I want some Chinese rice and I pay no mind to her. AS I am sitting here writing this she just passed by and kissed me on the cheek. Now everyone wants to let bygones be bygones huh???? Its always like this. I dont want to hear none of it, when I am good and ready I will talk to you because I did not deserve to be treated like that.

Did I mention that Ben is going to be a GODFATHER?? You guys all remember my sis in law who used to have a journal for a lil while... ( If you dont know go back a few entries and read about her, We are still not talking to each other) I actually contacted her through Myspace messaging and she wrote back.. But other than that we have not spoken.. I will make on entry on that issue seperately. Anyway she has a daughter which is about 9 mths. Ben recently told me ( 1 week ago) that his brother asked him if he wanted to baptize the baby. Ben said that he wasnt sure because he didnt know how I would feel since they didnt ask me to be the Godmother.... Well when he told me about it my first reaction of course was to feel insulted, Like how come I wasnt asked to do it with him??? SO Ben said "You know what I dont want to do it if it is going to bother you because you are my wife and I dont want to hurt you.... I told him Look that is your niece and I am NOT going to tell you to say NO... I feel bad but ultimately it is up to you... I wont be mad at you at all... SO he said he would think about it... and I never heard about it again.

So today while we were out his brother calls to let him know that the baptism was going to be on Sept 9th.... SO Ben tells me that he is going ... ANd I was Like of course you are going since you are the Godfather , He says NO Im not and Im like What??? He said that he decided to turn down his brothers offer because he didnt feel comfortable doing it without me... I tell him that I didnt care if he did it... I dont want him to say no just because of me ,,,, Not only that I know that she will start to talk about the fact that Ben said No and what kind of family is he.. So I tell him if he really wants to do it to go ahead, UNDER one condition though, the Godmother CAN NOT be her sister.... ANd he knows why ( another entry) SO we find out it is not her sister so I guess he is the Godfather after all....

I am not going to lie and say that it doesnt bother me because it does.... I feel like Why didnt they ask me too if they wanted him knowing that we are a couple?? Also in my opinion it is easier to pick a couple than 2 seperate people who do not even know each other......Ben doesnt even know the chick who is going to do it with him, and now he has to get in contact with her to make arrangements for an after Ceremony and I guess to discuss the financial side of this... Which is another thing they tell him like 2 weeks ahead of the official date and now we have no money saved for this.. He just has to take it out of somewhere....But he can not say no to his brother because I wouldnt say no to mine...

Ben and I are already Godparent's to his brothers first daughter and they know that we take care of her whenever she needs something, or when she is down here... We did it more before she went to Florida but still up to this day if the mom calls and tells me she needs something I make sure that she gets it... SO its not that they dont know that I would make a good responsible Godparent ... so what is it???

Wow this is a looong entry... right now my mind is in so many places that I can keep on writing and writing......

I still have soooo many things to do... Its like I can not get all that I need done DONE... I still have to get those papers filled out for this damm caseworker, I have to get my kids all physicals, plus my oldest needs to get a shot before he goes into Middle School... I need to do laundry BUT I still havent put away last monts laundry because I HAVE to clean out their drawers first. The list goes on but these are the most importantthings.

I also feel like I am getting myself into something that I am not going to be able to completely control, I am not ready to write this in here yet but I will eventually....

WeLL I am finally going to end this... Thank you girlies for always commenting and making me feel better...

P.S. I also found out yesterday that my son's father is having another baby .... BUT this I have to go into another entry because its a DOOZIE!

Goodnight alll and Take Care of Yourselves... LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL!!!