No I still love you Journal :)

           

 

 

I have been neglecting my journal a whole lot..... last entry I made was on the 11th ..WOW I'm bad!!

I havent really had too much to write about though.....Everything is still the same.

We are still struggling to pay the bills and the rent..... I really need to get my ass back to work. 

Yesterday I had to go to the Public Assistance office because they sent me a letter saying that they were going to close my case because I had missed an appointment..... Okay I really can not afford for these idiots to close my case right now!!

As much as I didnt want to go... I went and thank GOD it wasnt a long wait... It turned out to be really quick. I waited only about 45 mins as opposed to 3 damm hrs. When he called my name I almost ran to him .... I was so surprised LOL..... Anyway it turned out that he said that this letter was sent to me wrongfully and that he was going to fix it.  Thank GOD it was that simple.  He also asked if I was working and I told I was working and that I recently let my job go because of my anxiety and panic disorder.... He then told me that I needed to go back to their physicians so that they can determine if I can work... if not they are going to have to put me into a job search program....UMMMM hello I was able to work and I can find my own job .... what I need help with is getting over this damn anxiety that has literally taken over my life.... I dont want to sit my ass home...... I want to work and make my own damn money like I was....... But this anxiety takes ahold of me and I can not do anything,.... No grocery shopping, I cant take my kids to the park, I cant even take them to the damn library that is 2 blocks away because I am sooo scared to be out by myself..... I have books here that needed to be returned in Sept that are still sitting here..... I can just imagine the late fee that I am going to have to pay....

ANyway so they gave me an appt to go back on the 31st to see what they are going to do with me..... I am going to go back to work even if it kills me because I can not waste my time with this welfare crap!!.... I mean dont get me wrong it helps out alot.... I get foodstamps..... and they also help me pay a lil of my rent which is a blessing...... I dont want anyone getting the wrong idea... I am not abusing the system..... I have worked up till just recently that I let my job go(they knew that I was working) Also Ben works (he has been working since we have been together) and he also pays child support even though we are together..... SOOO we pay our taxes!!! and Ben PAYS them back what they give is you can say because they deduct 200.00 each week from his check.....

I wanted to go back to school and finish getting my bachelors but realistically I dont know if that is going to happen.... Things have been too tight right now with just Ben working and even with PA. We'll see what happens..... I think I will start seeing a therapist again maybe he or she can help me overcome this because franky the pills are not enough anymore...Sometimes I feel like I dont even want to live anymore... I cant tolerate waking up and feeling like this..... knowing that I am hurting my family by having this disorder.... Lucky thing that I am a coward to even attempt to take my own life...... I just pray that I dont have to live like this forever..... its bad enough 6 yrs of my life I feel like have been wasted ...... I have lived but I have not enjoyed living.... I am grateful that the lord has kept me here to take care of my children ....but if it werent for these kids I dont think I could stand another day living like this!

What else can I write about.....Ohh yea yesterday supposedly my mother in laws apartment was broken into.... The reason I say supposedly is becasue I'm not too sure if I believe it!! I mean her boyfriend came and told me that someone got into the apt ...that everything was messed up and thrown all over the place.... OK now they live in a basement apt so before you get to the actual apt there is a lil hallway ...They had things stored there and he said that all of that was thrown all over and the door to get into the actual apt was kicked in....BUT he didnt GO into his apt because he said he was nervous that the person was still inside the apt...UHHH come on NOW what idiot stays in the house they robbed ???,,, ANyway I asked him if he wanted me to go down with him...and he said no that he had called the cops already..... OK good... So  I waited with him outside... and waited and waited and still no cops . SO I told him to call again.... HE was like you know what I am going to go into the apt if I dont come back out then you know someone was still in there ... I said OK.....5 mins later he comes back up and says that no one was in there but that YES someone had stolen some things....MIND you STILL NO COPS.... SO I asked him what it was that was stolen...He said jewelry, money, a playstation, and maybe a laptop that he wasnt sure.... OK so I asked him if there was a lot of money that was stolen, he proceeded to tell me that YES ...he had money from his job (im assuming about 300) that he was holdong to give to the landlord and that my mother in law had also cashed her check and that money was there as well.... OK now I feel bad because it seems that the robbers got away with a lot.....BUT for someone who had just gotten robbed HE DIDNT SEEM TOO UPSET... I mean I would be crying and cursing and calling the police over and over...WELL NOT HIM..... What also seemed strange to me was that he said that he noticed the playstation was messing becuase the wires were still there..OK NOW WHAT IS SOMEONE GOING TO DO WITH A PLAYSTATION THAT HAS NO WIRING DUHHHHH !!!

Anyway my mother in law is on her way home from work...when she gets there ...she proceeds to tell me what happened..... SO I once again asked her what it was that was taken.... SHe also agreed that the jewelry and the playstation was taken, but the laptop was still there because she had hiddin it from her Boyfriend... I then asked her how much money was taken...She says OHHH not much ...maybe about 50.00 dollars...HMMMMM THEN WHY DID HE LIE ABOUT THE AMOUNT!

ANother thing that is strange is how the hell did they get in when they are two doors that you MUST have a key in order to get in...NOW these doors are LOCKED at all times! SO how could a robber possibly gain entrance??? AND WHY did the Robber GO INTO the basement when the are 4 apts in total in the building???

I hope this boyfriend of hers did not sell this shit and is now saying that they were robbed!  I dont like this guy and I certainly DO NOT trust him.....Hes the same guy who hasnt paid rent for said apt in 1 yr and he says it's ok because its a basement apt and it needs work...UHHH HELLO idiot you knew the condition of the apt when you moved in (apt was as is being that it is a basement and maybe not really a legal basement at that) so if you didnt want to pay rent then you shouldnt have moved there!! I have to hear from my damnn landlady how my mother in law and her boyfriend are lowlives and that she wants her money. NEVER move close to your inlaws..Funny thing is none of her sons BEN included feel that what there mother is doing is wrong.....UMMM hello!!! SHE hasnt paid rent for 1 yr...the landlady gave them a chance to both get a job ..she told them dont worry as soon as you get jobs you can start paying me....they both got jobs AND STILL not paying the fucking rent HOW IS THAT NOT WRONG!!!

 GEEZE people grow the fuck up..... In life you have to pay bills and rent even if its damn box you are renting from someone. If not go find another place!!

SORRY I lost myself there.... this topic bothers the hell out of me because then why the hell are we struggling to pay rent it its ok not to????

Anyways..... basically thats all thats been happening...my landlord is on her way back from florida(driving) ...As soon as she gets home thats when the fun begins.... I knew it was too damn quiet for too damn long..... I'm sure I will be having some new stories to tell once she gets back into her routine....

Well thats it folks..CIRCUS IS CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT!!! GO TO BED...... GO HAVE SOME FUN AND GET OUT OF MY JOURNAL LOL....... nah just joking stay as long as you like...loook around.... and ummm leave some comments while youre here OK???

GOODnight all and take care........................