My Secret..part 2

What I went through the first 1 year of my son's life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He was a bastard. His mother talked me and him into living with each other in her house. She really wanted us to work things out. That lasted 2 weeks. He would come to the house whenever he was finished F#$%ing around with his stupid ugly older woman. I was an idiot to stay up and wait for him to come home. When he was at the house, he never even held my son. He would look at him and keep walking. Finally after 2 weeks of having sex with me and his woman...he came up with an excuse that he was going to move in with his friend because he couldn't sleep due to the baby waking up at night. That was a lie, he actually moved in with his woman. Shit hit the fan when one day he had come to his mother's house to visit with his friend. He put on a front that he loved his son in front of his friend. He wanted to hold my son. I told him No. Why now?? When he never cared before. I guess he got embarrassed and he flipped out. He threw all mine and the baby stuff (clothes and everything else )on the floor. He told me to get out of his mother's house. I  could not believe that he would do that to his own child's stuff. I put all of our stuff in a garbage bag and walked out of that house. Nobody helped me!!!. I tried to keep him  involved in his son's life but he didn't want any part. He would call my son a pussy, that he cried too much. All these things I'm telling you!! tore me apart. I lived for my son now. I was going to do whatever I could to protect him from pain.

The last time this man seen my son was when he was 1 yrs old. I took him to his mothers house. When I went to pick my baby up, he was with his girlfriend. He gave me the baby and told me that he was one step away from giving my baby a whooping because all he did was cry. What the fuck did he expecct. My son didn't know him!! That was the end of everything. I gave up. He was never going to lay his hands on my child ever!!

So moving forward, I met my son's real daddy when he was a year and fifteen months. This is when I met Ben. It takes a man to create a child but it takes a real man to be a daddy. This is what Ben became to my son. My son instantly loved Ben. Ben instantly loved my son. It was like love at first sight. You can read an older entry how Ben and I can to be. From that day on they became father and son. My son knows no other daddy.

Coming back to the present now......

My oon has been going to a therapist for about 5 mths now.... I told the therapist about the fact that Ben is not my son's real father but that he is his daddy. He asked me if my son knew who his real father was....And this is my secret..My son does not know that Ben is not his real dad. I didnt want him to know becuase I didnt want my son to have a void in his heart. I didnt want my son growing up knowing that his father doesnt want to have nothing to do with him... I couldnt stand the fact that this may cause him so much pain.

But now the therapist says he feels that my son needs to know. He says that he thinks that my son might have an idea and that is why he is showing some anger. He says that I can not hide this from him forever and that its better for him that I tell him sooner than later.

How can I tell my son thins???? I dont want him to know! I dont things to change for him. I dont want to take away from him the only father he knows and who loves him to give him a man that does not give a fuck.

I dont want him hurting! I am soo torn. I know that eventually secrets come out and that he will know one day. What about if I tell him and he starts to lose respect for me and Ben. It can destroy our family.

The thereapist says who do I know this?? How do I know that my son wont care and things will go on being the way they are??

I know that my son will not take this lightly. I know that my son is overly sensitive.  His world would totally change. He will think its his fault that his father doesnt want to be involved. He will wonder about this asshole. I dont want him to go through that. He will feel left out. My daughter has her real dad, my other son knows his real dad but then when it comes to him he wouldnt know his real dad.

How can I do this to me son?? What is the right thing to do. When my son was 7 yrs old he asked me "Why is it that he has a different last name than his dad(Ben) and I told him that the hospital made a mistake on his Birth Certificate. That was the end of it, he never asked again. I dont know if I did the right or wrong thing.

I am so confused and torn. The therapist says that he will help us get through this but he doesnt live in our world.

What do I do, Lord what do I do??

 

 I have asked this asshole to give up his paternal rights so that Ben could adopt him. The asshole said that he would never give us the satisfaction.This was when my son was about 2 or 3 yrs old. It would have so much more easier had he done this. I have been trying to get into contact with him, but his mother never gives him my messages. She doesn't want him to give up his rights. She said that it should be my son's decision whether or not he wants to know his real father. This guy doesn't pay child support and he's never looked for my son since he was 1. Why the fuck would the mother think that my son would want to know this man. I want to contact him to see if he would agree to give up his rights now, Ben could finally  adopt him and it would probably be a little easier for my son to deal with. No one in that family looks for my child.( B) went on to have another child, this time a boy. Now he has 1 girl and 2 boys. He is involved in his daughter's and son's life. He pays child support for them but he cant do the same for my son. I dont need or want anything from him anyway but still.

I wish things were different. I wish I had never met this guy. I wish Ben was really my son biological father!!! Ohhh God if I could just turn back the hands of time!! How can I be responsible for maybe destroying my son's life? This was my mistake, this is meant for me to suffer with, not my baby boy.

Can I keep this secret forever??? Do I continue give my son what he needs or do I tell him the truth and let him decide at 10 yrs old what he wants to do. This is too much for a 10 yr old to handle. Why do us parents do irresponsible things when we were young that in turn hurt our children in the future???

I dont have an answer, honestly I don't. I've lived with the burden of this truth for 10 yrs old. I can live with it another 10 or 20 years if that means that I would protect my son. I keep my secret at who's expense though.

Is the therapist right??? Am I doing my son more harm than good by keeping this secret???

Why does this have to be so dammm hard?, Why did this guy have to turn out to be a lowlife??? So many questions but no answers....

So this is my deep dark secret, a secret that can devastate my whole family. I kept it a secret because Ben is such a good father, the kind of father I longed for my son to have. When Ben came into our lives it was like God sent us a blessing in disguise. It was perfect. He is the kind of father my son deserves, so how can I take that away..Soo hard.... I pray that God will steer me to the right choice... Any advice???

 Thats all for now, bringing up all thse bad memories has drained me physically and emotionally...Please  Pray for my son that whatever choice I make will be the right one and that he will be able to deal with it.Please Pray for my family that it remain strong enough to get over this hurdle. Thank you all.....

Goodnight and Take Care my good friends....

A Secret that will tear us apart......

The clock  is ticking and I am running out of time. If only I knew how to stop time or maybe even reverse it so that I can go back and fix all the things I messed up in my life. I am desperate, scared, and I honestly do not know what I am going to do. I know every family has skeletons in their closets. Some deep dark secret that they pray will never come out. Secrets have a way of leaking out whether it today, tomorrow or 20 yrs from now. This is my problem. I have a big dark ugly secret and it is literally tearing me apart. I can not make up my mind whether or not it is time for me to reveal this secret to one I love with all my heart, soul and being. If it was up to me I would take this secret with me to my grave, But am I doing the right thing?? If I do tell my secret will it be the right thing though or will it destroy all our lives each in a different way!

 

Ok..... before I get into the secret let me tell you how this secret came to be. I was just 17 yrs old. I was independent and a carefree young lady. After all I had been through the year before, I was proud of the person that I had become in the past year. I was now living with my aint who was a big part of me getting my life back on track. She was the best! She was my rock! She gave me everything that I needed at the time. A mother, a friend, a sister. I was working and making a lil money and whatever else I needed my aunt provided me with. I had registered myself in College. Everything was great. I wasnt into boys. I was going to church. You get the point. I was me. I didnt need a substitution for love because I was finally given love.

What could go wrong??? Nothing right??

 

Well it did. And this would change my life forever. I had just gottne paid and I went to the strip to buy me a dress and some shoes to wear to church tonight. All of a sudden I was stopped by a guy on a bike. He wanted totell me that I was very pretty and that I had beautiful eyes. He wanted to know if he could get to know me. He wanted my phone number. I was hesitant. I didnt want any part of a new relationship. I was fine the way I was. I hadnt talked to a boy like that in a few months and this was fine with me. He was persisitent though and when I wouldnt give him my number he gave me his. He wanted me to call him to see if we could go out on the Fourth of July which was about 3 days later.

I took the number just to get him to leave me alone. I had no intentions of calling him. I went about my business. I got my stuff and I was looking forward to going to church later on. I got home and my Aunt was there. She and I talked about everything. So I mentioned to her about meeting this guy on the street. I also told her that I wasnt going to call him back. She asked me "Why, Was he ugly?" I said "No he was kind of cute, but I didnt want to get incvolved again. She told me that I should give him a chance. She said that I was home all the time and that it was time for me to start enjoying myself. She said "What can you lose by going out with him?" "He can turn out to be a good guy and you would never know."

I thought about. Maybe she was right. I wasnt giving anybody a chance because of what had happened to me. Maybe I needed a friend. So I called him . He was sweet. We talked for aawhile. He was 20 yrs old. He told me he had a job and that he still lived at home with his parents because he wanted to help them. He sounded like a really nice and mature guy.

We agreed to go out on the Fourth of July. We were going to go to the South Street SeaPort. He was going to pick me after work , so that he could meet my aunt.

So the day came. I waited. Over the next couple of days we had been talking over the phone. I was now excited to meet up with him. I was starting to like him. He was late but he eventually got there. He told me that he got caught up with stuff atwork. My aunt and him hit it off. She really liked him. We went out and had a nice time. He was a perfect gentleman. It was a romantic date. After that we were inseperable. We were together every day, or if not we spoke on the phone for hours. I finally found genuine love. He showered me with attention, love and material things. We were intimate after 2 weeks of knowing each other. Why so soon?? Because in my warped mind I thought that this was a way to prove to each other that we loved one another. After all he was the perfect man. Even after having sex he was still the same person he was before. He still treated me with respect and he would still come to see me every day. Little did I know that he was about to drop a bomb. My aunt had given me a curfew. I was to be home by 12:00 midnight, 1:00 am the latest. I was not getting home at curfew because by the time he got out of work it was close to 11:00.

Of course mine and my aunts relationship started changing. I should have known better. Finally one night my aunt got really upset at me and she told me that if I wasn't going to follow her rules that I would have to leave because she had 2 small daughters to worry about. I never disrespected my aunt. I did what I only knew how to do. I ran away. I went back to my moms house. My mom really liked him too. So she accepted him in the house. After 3 mths of us together I find out I am pregnant. I should have been scared and unhappy right? No I was ecstatic. I was finally going to have a baby whom I could love with all my heart with a man that I thought I loved. In my world we were going to be the perfect family. He was happy too. He said he wanted a boy. I wanted to give him that boy. When I was 2 mths pregnant he said that he had to tell me something. He told me that he didn't tell me this secret before because he didn't want me to leave him because he loved me so much. What was the secret??? The secret was that before he had met me, he was in a relationship with another girl. A couple of weeks after they broke up that's when he met me. He told me that she was right now 6 mths pregnant with his child. What???? I was devastated. I felt my world and all the illusions and dreams that I had come crashing down. My first thought was that's it , we're done. I told him that I couldn't be with him knowing that he had a baby on the way by another woman. He begged me to stay. He cried and told me that it was over between them and that he wanted no part of her. I didn't know what to do. Here I was 2 mths pregnant too. What about me and my baby? What was I going to do?? So I did the stupid thing and forgave him.

I know I should've just walked away. I know that he was not the man I thought he was. But I now had a baby to think of, and I didn't want to be born without the  dad and I being together.

Things went on. He was still treating me good. He was supporting me. He was even saving money for us to get our own place. I met his family. His mother was very upset when she found out that we were going to have a baby. She asked me if I knew about the other girl and I told her yes. She told me that she was the one who convinced( B) to tell me about her. She said Ohh welll he is going to have to deal with taking care of 2 kids.

So life went on. Life was good except for the morning sickness. It was terrible. I dont know why but I started pushing him away for some reason. He stinked to me and I didn't want to kiss him or anything(He didn't stink to other people just me)I was scared to have sex because I thought it would hurt the baby. He was upset about this because we were very sexually active before I became pregnant. I didn't care about his feelings. I just cared about my baby and myself. I admit I was selfish. Things started to go downhill from there. He said he needed intimacy. One day I found out that he was seeing his other baby's mother. I was very upset. He told me it was nothing. In November she had her baby. It was a girl. I was jealous because he looked happy when his mother called my house to tell him. That day we got into a huge argument. He told me that I couldn't come between him and his daughter. I wasn't even trying to come between them. I just didn't trust him with the babys mother.

We found out that we were having a boy. Both of us were very happy and excited. We started thinking of names. On New Year's day we got into another huge argument because he wanted to go home to have sex and I wanted to stay at my grandmothers house over night because it was dangerous to go outside because they were shooting. He got mad and walked out and left me all alone. I brought in that New Years by myself. At about 1:00 am he walked into my grandmothers house all sorry. He said that he missed me and wanted to be with me. he apologized over and over. That's when I noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. I would later find out that while I was sitting there bringing in the New Year alone he was at his Baby's mothers house with her. I found this out because I found her number and I called her. Once again I was devastated, but once again I fell for his stupid lies. Time passed.... I noticed that he was changing. No longer excited to see me. I was already going into my 6th month. I was starting to feel way better. The morning sickness was going away. I now wanted to be with him all the time. I felt that he didn't feel the same way. Finally one day I asked him if there was something going on. I felt in my heart that there was something he was not telling me. I told him to be honest with me. I was hoping that I was wrong. But my feelings were right. He told me that he was seeing another woman for the past 2 weeks and that he wanted to be with her. He said that she gave him the attention he needed. He said that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he was tired of me pushing him away. I started to cry and I begged him not to leave me . I told him that I would change, that it wasn't my fault that I was feeling so sick. I told him I loved him and that I didn't want our baby to be without a father. It went on deaf ears. He said he didn't care. He said it was over and that was that. I couldn't believe that he could throw away our relationship for a person that he just met 2 weeks ago. But no matter what I said he wasn't hearing it. So that's how I became a single mother at the age of 17.

 

Things went downhill fast. He became a total asshole. He became someone I didn't know and that I didn't want to know. He didn't want to have nothing to do with me or my baby. He said that my baby was a mistake and that he only got with me because he was on rebound from his last girlfriend. He told me that he didn't love my baby and didn't care what happened to it. These words stung like you wouldn't believe. I loved that baby in my belly more than I loved myself and to hear him say things like that it tore me apart.

The rest of the months went by slowly. I was depressed and I blamed myself for pushing him away. I still begged him to come back to me but he never did. Finally in April I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. I fell in love instantly. Now I knew what love really was. He was there in the delivery room but the whole time I was in labor he was in and out of the room calling his stupid girlfriend. I hated him now with all my soul. The baby was born, he seen him come out of me. I thought that he would change seeing this. He cried in the delivery room but as soon as the baby was born he left to go with her.

I didn't care anymore . I had someone else that I had to care about now. His family came to see me and his mother told me that she had gotten into a huge argument with him. She it was because she told him now that the baby was born if he was going to change and take care of his responsibilties. He told her that she couldn't force him to be with me . Basically he didn't care about me or the baby.

 

To be continued... I have to go cook and help with homework...

Check out my side bar...New Pics..

Okay...I finally learned how to use my scanner that I got for my birthday.... I found some pics of Ben and I together. I look somewhat decent lol, So I decided to share..... First two are of Ben and I when we went to a resort just the 2 of us(NO KIDDIES) for 1 week!! The third is of us in Manhatten, (42nd Street). We had just come down from AppleBee's(again just the 2 of us) A man stopped and asked if he could take our pic for 5.00 dollars.. I had my hair did... So I figured... Why not?? I actually like the way I look(a first!)..... Mind you these pics were taken back in the 2001 LOL.... Well tomorrow I will make a real entry..just wanted to show off my pics:))))))))..

Goodnight and Take Care Ladies.......

When do we ever get to belong?????

Here I sit with the only bad headache but I feel like have to make an entry. How come it is when you think things are finally going to get better , Something else gets thrown in the mix??

 

Do any of you have any of these bad memories? Do any of you remember back in the day when you were in school and there were a whole bunch of cliques and you felt like you were never apart of any of them. There was the Cool clique , The Goth clique, The Nerdy Clique, and The Tough clique. Did you ever feel like if you didn't belong in any of them. There wasn't a place for you.... You felt left out? I did and I also remember how bad I felt. I hated lunch or study period because of this. I would walk into the cafeteria filled with dread because I knew that I didn't know where I was going to sit. I would usually end up sitting alone until it was time to go. After awhile I met some other girls who just didn't belong either, which didn't make it any better lol. I was just too quiet and shy. I didn't know how to make friends lol..It's sad isn't it ?? Well the point of this little story is that I felt like that all over again today.

 

Why???? Well for the past couple of months I have been in this graphics group. After awhile of convincing myself to contact the owner of the group I finally did. So I was finally in a group and it was nice. There are a bunch a nice ladies that I have met in this group. I would look forward to opening my emails because of all the great sends and beautiful tags. I even pushed myself to volunteer to be in charge of sending out the Daily Joke and the Daily Horoscopes. It was fun. I had an issue because for some reason my email does not accept strangers. I tried everything that I could to fix it. I changed my spam filter to low and I changed my email settings to allow all. Even with all this it still would not work.(I guess its a glitch with aol.) So I finally figured out that the only way to make it work is if I added them to my Buddy list. So I asked whoever had a problem with sending me stuff if they could instant message me and I could add them on. It was working out great. Until today that is. I got an email from the owner of the group letting me know that there were new members who were added today that who were not able to send me anything. She asked if I could maybe call Aol and try fixing the problem with them. She also let me know that this was a big problem being the fact that were a lot of people joining each day. I wrote back that I was sorry for the inconvenience , but that I couldn't contact aol because I was now on Aol free service and they no longer offer technical support. I know this because a couple of days ago I called them for another issue and they let me know they could not help me because I wasn't paying for their service(Thanks Aol). I explained to her that they way it has been working was that usually the person having trouble would send me an Instant Message and I would automatically add them and everything would work. I said I had no other option and if this wasn't the way it could be done I would have no choice but to withdraw from the group even though I didn't  want this to happen. Well she wrote back and told me due to the fact that she was getting so many new members each day that she would have to remove me from the group tomorrow. Now I know I had offered to withdraw but I did not expect that I would just be removed so quickly. I thought that maybe since it was something beyond my control that we could have worked something out. Bottom line is I got kicked out lol..... It's funny and sad at the same time. It's not that big of a deal but I know I am going to feel lonely when I sign on and I only have one mail as opposed to at times having over 70. I am not upset at the owner, Its her group and she has to do what she has to do. Ohhh now I have to search for my own graphics :)))) I was getting spoiled by having so many great ones being sent to me ;)

 

On a different note... today was a terrible day.... I hate not having any money. I had practically nothing in this house to feed these kids...(Ok I'm exaggerating) I had stuff but stuff they dont like to eat. Like I have Rice, Beans, Veggies, A pack of chicken, A pack of steak, and a bunch of canned food and boxed food( Oatmeal, easy mac, Hamburger Helper single packs etc)..... They dont want this ... They want things I dont have!! Kids...... Can we trade??? It seems like when I am out of stuff my kids turn into hungry hungry  hippos! So I gave them Oatmeal for breakfast, I gave them each a Hamburger Helper single pack for lunch. Can you believe an hr after each of these meals they are hungry!!!! Goodness..What can I give them now?? I have no snacks, and I have no juice! So I told them they could have all the water they wanted(hey water is good for you:). Usually I will have lil stuff for them to snack on in between. Well no money to get the stuff. I dont have eggs, milk, or bread either... So for tomorrow's breakfast I have no idea what I am going to give them. Ohhh wait I have still have a box of breakfast bars...Phew!! This shit definitely sucks! I dont like to be like this. I like to feed them when they are hungry. I dont get my stamps till March 2nd...(Come faster pleaseeee lol) and Ben's next pay check has to go directly to my dumb landlady. Soooo I guess I will have to borrow at least 20.00 bucks from my mom. I hate to borrow money from her. She'll call me everyday asking when she is going to get her money back...No lie. By the way I did make dinner.... Remember all that chicken that I fried yesterday for my neighbor's baby shower?? Well I forgot to mention yesterday that upon my leaving she gave most of it back to me!! She said that she had forgotten to give it out. She said I could take it and use it for dinner today. Ummmm Ok so I stood in front of a hot stove for more than an hour only for no one to eat the chicken..(ohhhh welll) Soooo today I just put the chicken in the oven, I added some Honey Mustard Barbecue sauce on top. They came out great! So I guess the chicken was not wasted after all... I made this with corkscrew pasta with butter and pepper and Broccoli Stiir Fry Veggies... Good meal and finally the brats were full. Thank Goodness!:))))

 

What was so cute though is that my middle son who just came back from his grandmother's house, hears me saying to myself how much I wish I had money to go to the store. He tells me"Grandma gave me 5.00 dollars, I'll give it to you and you can go to the store. Awwwww My baby boy! I told "No you can keep your money, that's not enough to buy enough food for the house. You can go buy something for you and your brother and sister tomorrow. Thank you". I love them so much..It sweet to know that they are willing to give up their money to buy stuff for the house:).... At least I still have food in my cabinets to feed my children, Some people do not have that...Thank God for this, I might be able to feed them 6 times a day lol but they will go to bed full.(it may not be their favorite food but ohhh welll)

 

I rearranged my bedroom the other day , but now I think I am going to have to change it again. For some reason the bed like this makes me feel like I dont want to go to bed. I feel depressed. Am I weird?? I am feeling so down about tomorrow with my kiddies having to go back to school. I mean when they are there I am at ease cause I get more done and I am able to catch my breath. But after weekends or long periods of time off I get all depressed when they have to go back. I start thinking about having to worry about clean uniforms, waking them up early , making sure they get there on time. Not only that I start to worry about if they are really safe at school. I am not there to see what goes on. This bothers me because I know there are mean teachers and students in their school. I wonder if they are going through any emotional abuse at school. It happened to me now I am wondering if it is happening to them....... I am always worrying.... I am tired of worrying but I cant seem to stop. So many things go through my head at one time that its hard for me to even concentrate. I have to do so many things, I have to fix so many things, and I want so many things to change. This is all stressing me the heck out! I wish I could pause time , this way I dont have to deal with stuff until I'm good and ready.... I am nearing the end of my entry and it seems like I dont want to stop. I dont want to go to bed, because I know when I get there , I will not be able to sleep. All I will do is think and worry. I dont want to go to bed because then that means that today will end and tomorrow will be the same thing..... Am I stupid???

 

Well I guess that's it for tonight.. Your eyes must be burning and your mind getting restless...Sorry my friends....just have a lot of thoughts coming forward..and I am not even done...but there is always tomorrow...Good night and Take Care all..........

 

Baby Shower Fiasco..or not??

                           

Ok, I'm back with an update on the later part of the day..... At about 2:00 my neighbor came down with about 2 dozen pieces of chicken (no lie) and asked me if I could do her a favor and fry all of them for her..... Okkk what was I going to say? I couldn't possibly say no. Even though I didn't feel like standing in front of my stove which was the reason I didn't cook for myself today lol.... So I said fine. I seasoned the meat and put it in the fridge until 6:00pm. The party wasn't starting till 8:00pm. Time flew , I wasn't doing much in between that time. Just watching television and sitting in front of the computer.

6:00 pm came and I started frying. Ughhhh let's just say that it took forever. Finally about an hr and a grease covered stove later I was done. I brought it upstairs and used that opportunity to let her know that I was probably not going to come up for the party , because I was unable to get a gift right now. I wanted to feel her out and see what she would say. Ummmm she just said Ok... lol I was kind of happy that it wasn't made a big deal but also shocked at her reaction. I guess I wasn't going to be missed lol...

 

Ben came home from work at about 9:30. Not too long after I get a knock on my door. It is my neighbor's daughter (the one who the baby shower is for) . She wants to know why I am not upstairs. I tell her my reason. She looks at me like if I am crazy. She tells me that it doesn't matter about the gift. She wants me to go. I again told her I did not feel comfortable showing up empty handed. She goes on to tell me "You did the Chicken for us , you helped us out , You don't need to give me a gift!..... What was I going to do ?? Sit there and go back and forth with her. Finally I told her "Ok.. I'll go. She left.

My daughter turns to me and says" I told you Mommy the Chicken was a good gift".. Lol I guess it was..

 

 

So I took a shower , got dressed and went to the party. It was nice. The decorations were really cute! I felt kind of bad because a lot of people didn't show. My friend made a lot of food and bought a huge cake! Her daughter did receive a couple of gifts, mostly clothes,..She did get a bottle sterilizer, a bottle warmer, and bottles. Now I know what to get her :)

They cut the cake it was really good. It had Strawberries in the middle. After that I helped my friend clean up her kitchen and that was the end of that!

I came downstairs and this is where I am at now.

Well there you have it... I ended up going...By the thank you for the ideas on gifts... I couldnt offer my child care services because the mother to be lives in Georgia but that was a good one!

Well it's time for me to vamoose..time for me to hit the bed.. lol

Goodnight all and Take Care.......

                               

I knew I had a reason for not kissing Lmao!!!

 

French kissing can be so dirty

Scientists say more than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a typical French kiss.

The study says couples also exchange 0.7 grams of protein, 0.45 grams of fat and 0.19 grams of other organic substances.

The results come from a study carried out to publicise the advantages of good oral hygene in Sweden.

Swedish pharmacies taking part in the campaign are also looking for a couple to break the world record in kissing on Valentine's Day.

The marathon kiss will be broadcast live on the Swedish Pharmaceutical Association's website on February 14.

They say they want to urge responsible kissing which can have advantages as well, for example if the couple chosen beat the last record they will have burned an estimated 7,436 calories.

The current French-kissing record is held by Louisa Almedovar and Rich Langley, from New Jersey, who kissed for 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds in 2001.

 

I now have proof to present to Ben lol.... I've never liked French kissing. For some reason the exchange of saliva makes me want to puke. I know my man is clean and all but I dont know the problem lies with me. Everybody has germs in their mouth... and the whole tongue and saliva thing is a lil too much for me..I do kiss my man, dont get me wrong, but we just do not French Kiss... Ben says this may be the downfall of our relationship lolas he loves to make out.. I'm sorry honey..... no can do!

Lol I just wanted to share some laughter! hahahahahahahahaha

This and that on a Saturday...

 

So here I am on the computer , Before I got on I decided to heat up yesterday's spaghetti for the kids for lunch. No problem right?? LOL Wrong!! As I'm sitting here checking my mail and I start to smell this foul odor. I'm thinking Dammm someone downstairs is making some nasty food lol.... Next thing you know it hit me ...I was like Ohhhhh shit my spaghetti ... I leaped out of this chair and ran to the kitchen.... My daughter was like Mom what happened???? lol Thank Goodness the spaghetti was still edible, just the bottom of the pot got burned. That's what I get for sitting my ass on here so early lol.

 

I am so stressed right now. You ladies should remember that in one of my entries I wrote about having been invited to my neighbor's daughter's baby shower(lol I dont even know I said right there lol)... Well it is today..... I have no money at all to buy her a gift. After Ben paying all the bills and stuff he had no extra money to give me. So now what do I do? I feel so ashamed telling her that I have no money. She is probably going to say "I told you about the party about 2 weeks ago". I was thinking that I just wouldn't go, but the thing is she lives right upstairs so I'm sure she will just come down and get me. So I am in a bind right now..... I know I have to tell her and hopefully she will understand that right now its just Ben working. Shit I need to go back to work asap!!!

 

I am pissed at my landlady. The other day she calls me and she starts to complain about how much she pays for the heat and hot water. How she cant afford it anymore. She then goes on to mention how she is just going to have to raise everybody's rent. I'm like What the hell. She just raised the rent a few months ago for the same reason. Now she wants to raise it again. What the hell is wrong with her?? Right now we pay 1275.00 for this small 2 bedroom apt where I am not even comfortable. She said she wants to raise another 50.00. So after all is said and done I will be paying 1325.00!!! Its not even worth that much! Ben and I have made up our minds, we are moving. I figure if we have to struggle to pay that much , we might as well struggle and pay alil more for a 3 bedroom apt. Right or Wrong?? This lady is tripping! I have a feeling she is raising everyone's rent because she wants us to finance her trips back and forth from Israel. She just came back from a 2 mth vacation to Florida and now she is going to Israel to be with her mother. Uhhh doesn't sound to me like she is hurting!! Those tickets are expensive. Her bank account must be dwindling and she needs to find a way to bring it back up .... Of course...Why not rape her tenants for all that got?? I tell you one thing come June she is going to have an empty building because if she raises this rent all of us are moving! Let's see if she will be able to take the loss of not having any money coming in. I am so sick renting! I swear if only we would win that Lotto lol..

 

We are supposed to be getting a good amount back in our Tax refund. So with that we are going to pay off all these bills and then see what we are going to do about finding another place.

 

Yesterday I reearanged my whole bedroom by myself. I got tired of begging Ben to help me with it. So I said F him, I can do this. And I did it. It wasnt that hard. I like the way it looks and I finally got rid of all the damn dust bunnies that seem to love hanging around. He came home last night and was giving me compliments about how much he liked the way the room looked...Yea idiot no thanks to your dum ass lol.....Women dont need Men for nothing!! And I mean nothing ladies "wink wink" Lmao....

 

So I am staying home once again...I hate being broke!!! I was going to ask my mother if she could lend me some money, but I know how she is. I dont feel like hearing her mouth. I guess I'll go clean my bathroom..Ugggh I hate doing that! I went to that web site Fly Ladies. com.... It looks really cool. I'm not that messy but I am very disorganized when it comes to storing stuff away. Maybe I'll find some tips there.

As for Steph and I , We talked a little bit thru Instant Message. At first she was on the defensive mode. I didn't think she was really sorry at all for how I felt. As the conversation went on she did admit that she may have been wrong and she apologized. I told her that I am not mad at her. I was just hurt by the way she wrote down the whole story. I hope that we move on from here. I told her from now on if she is bothered by something just be up front and let me know. That's what friends are for, We may not always agree with each other and there will be times when we are going to get bothered by one has to say but if we are real friends we will be able to see that it was not meant as an attack just meant as telling you the truth with love when nobody else will. I am rambling right now lol .. Sorry..

 

Well I guess its time to get my behind off of this computer, I will update on what happened with the baby shower later on tonight...

See you later.....

Pandora's Box, Can you handle it??

 

Well I guess I am not on strike after all. I am very hurt and sad right now. I guess in a way you can't open up Pandora's box and not expect to suffer the consequences of the after effects. I always manage to learn things the hard way huh? You must be wondering what the hell I am talking about right?... Well as all of you gals know my sis in law recently started her own journal. I have sent some of you over there to welcome her and make her feel comfortable. It has turned out to be a great thing for in the sense that she now has a place to express and vent out her feelings and emotions. At first I didn't think that it was such a good idea for family or friends to know or read about each other's journals. I especially didn't want anyone I knew personally to find my journal. I didn't want this for the simple fact that most of the time your journal is a place where you can feel free without having to hurt anyone with something you might write about. I told my sis in law about journaling because I felt that she could really benefit from it(which she has) I didn't give the link to my page but she looked me up and she found it. Ok fine....what am I going to do. It was fun having someone to share it with and we enjoyed ourselves writing comments in each other's page. So far she and I have gotten along. Whenever we are around each other I feel like we have good times. She had never mentioned anything to me. Yesterday they were over my house(she, her man, and the 2 girls). She called me and asked me if it were ok that she come over and I said no problem. I know how hard she says it is to go anywhere with the 2 kids, that's why I hardly ask her to come over anymore. Her sister was willing to help her, so I figured Great, you know we can hang out and at the same time I can see the kids. Ben and I and the kids were going to go over to her house the day before but she had her family coming over and we did not want to be an inconvenience. So it worked out that she would come over to our house. No one made her come out. So she got her before she got here , she called and asked if one of us could go out and help her to come out with the kids. She was coming out of a taxi and she needed help. At the time she calledI was making pancakes for my kids and I wasn't dressed yet. Ben had just gotten out of bed, so I asked him if he could go help her. He said Ok. He had to put on some jeans and shoes. It was took about 5 mins for him to get out there. I guess from what she told me Ben didn't get there in time to help her out. She said she wanted to hurry up and get out of the car because the driver had an attitude. If it were me he would have had to deal with my situation  because I am the one paying him. She couldve stood in the car and waited till Ben come out. OHH well he just got to help her into the house with the kids. She didn't say she was upset at the time but I know now she was.

 

So she came in and I was happy to see the babies ..They are soo cute especially Sabrina because she is soo funny. Ben and I had to go do our taxes, so I asked if she would like to come with us or stay with the babies at my house. Either way I did not mind. If she came with us Ben and I could help with her stuff and the babies since we had to take the bus. So she decided to come and everything was fine. Ben held Sabrina and I held the stroller and she had the baby strapped in a carrier. The ride going over there was cool. Nothing went wrong. Sabrina was a lil cranky but nothing too bad and she soon fell asleep, after her mom whipped out a bottle. We finally get to our destination and as we are getting off the bus we realized that it was raining. That was a bummer! I did not even know it was supposed to rain! Good thing the place was right across from the street from the bus stop. We go inside and the place is a lil busy. Luckily the lady did her job quickly. We were in and out of there in less than a half hour. We were told he would call us back with an estimate in how much we were getting back.

When we got out of there I was starving (Ben nor I had not eaten breakfast), Steph and the kids had eaten but I think they were hungry as well. So I asked Ben if he wanted to go to McDee's and we all would get something from the dollar menu since we were low on funds. Ben was expecting his paycheck later on in the day. He said Whatever..... He said it was kind of dumb to get off the dollar menu  but Uhhh hello! we had no other options! Steph says"Well if you want , you guys can put what you want to order on my credit card and when Ben gets his check he can give me the money. I was kind of hesitant at first...But the I figured Ok, Since I knew he was getting paid today anyway. Mind you it is raining, Mcdee's is a pretty good distance away. I was worried about the newborn because she just had a quilt covering her. Sabrina thankfully had the protection plastic over her stroller. Steph assured me that Sarah was ok. I started to then worry about Steph because she didn't have a hood on her coat and her head was getting soaked. I was worried she might get sick(I pray she doesn't because I'm sure she would blame us) She said ... She was fine...Ok we finally get there. I order for Ben and I and  our 2 kids. The total came out to 20.43 cents(Ohhh shit  by the way Steph we owe you the 43 cents sorry I will give to you :)..... So she put it on her card. I offered to give her half of the money right then, maybe she might want to use it on a cab going home. She said No she'd rather not waste money. Ok .... So we eat... The babies were really good and I think Steph was relieved that she got to eat in peace. Outside it was still raining. So we took our time eating in hopes that the rain would stop. Unfortunately it didnt. Thankfully Steph asked for a plastic bag and the manager gave her one. I put Sabrina's coat on so Steph could focus on Sarah and then I helped her put the plastic over Sarah's quilt this way she wouldn't get wet. We were good to go. I asked Steph if she wanted to stop for an umbrella. I was willing to buy one for her. I think she thought that she would have to pay for it so she said No. I was really worried that she was going to get sick. We got to the bus stop and we waited about 5 minutes for the bus. Steph wanted to shop but the rain got in the way of that. I think this was good though because at least she didn't spend money that they dont have. Bus ride back was uneventful. Everything was good.

 

We finally are back home. Its a lil walk to my house since we had to take the limited bus and that bus didn't stop on my block like it usually would... I noticed that Ben had on a cap so I got the idea for him to give the cap to Steph since he had a hoodie to cover his head. He had no problem with it, I felt better now that she had something to cover her head. She was dying for some m&m's , it had to be m&m's without peanuts... For some reason the stores didn't have those. Finallllly one store had them. She was happy and got 2 packs. So we got to my house.. Ben had already taken Sabrina's coat off. So all she had to was take off Sarah's. She and I hopped on the computer for awhile. Sabby was still asleep. When she woke up Ben played with her for a little bit. All in all Steph didn't have such a hard time. Of course Sabby whined a lil bit but nothing too bad and Sarah whined some too but Steph knew how to make her comfy. We all helped put a lil here and there. Steph and I went upstairs for a little while, to talk to my neighbor. I had to say hi to all of them lol. Sarah started to cry so Steph came down. I stood upstairs talking for a while. When I came back down, I realized they were ordering pizza. I dont know the whole situation with the pizza. All I know was that Steph and Ben were going to go half and half 5.00 a piece for a large pie . Ben called his brother and I think the brother added a couple more slices for himself. Of course it was going to come out more than 10.00 now. From what I heard it was decided that instead of adding a few more slices that they would just get another small pie. Total came out to 15.00. So Ben was like ..I am still putting my 5.00 because I just wanted a large pie and the extra slices were not for me. Ben was broke after paying all the bills so I guess he couldn't splurge a little more. So the delivery guy came and Steph ended up giving a 10.00 bill because that's all she had. So Ben gave the guy the 15.00 dollars. Plus he came out of his pocket and gave the guy a tip because he felt bad for the guy. Steph got bothered because she ended up paying 10.00 for the pizza. She felt that she got cheated in some way because it was just her and her husband who were going  to eat and it was four of us who were going to eat. She felt that we should have paid more for the pizza. But what she didn't understand was that the original agreement was that they were each going to pay 5.00. It was her husband who wanted more slices and it was she that said that we would be better off getting another pie. Do you guys feel she got cheated??? My neighbor upstairs asked me if I had any soda , So I said yes since she and I are always helping each other. When Steph saw that I came down with the soda in my hand she asked what I was doing carrying the soda bottle. I told her that I had given some to my neighbor. She tells me Ohh so you giving out my soda? And I was confused. I asked is this your soda? She said Yea I paid for it.. I said ohhh..Honestly I didn't know what was going on here. I didn't see her give Ben more money when he went to buy the soda. So when they left I asked Ben because I felt bad that I was giving out her soda. He told me that He had bought the soda. She didn't give him any extra money. Hmmmmm So what is going on??? I didnt think much of it I mean it wasnt a big deal like that to me. I wasnt the one who wanted the pizza.. Yes my family was bigger... But there was enough pizza there for everyone to each have 2 slices. If she only had one that is because she wanted to. This is all so dumb.

I guess I wouldnt have known how Steph felt if I hadnt had read her journal. Now do you understand why I felt that it was a bad idea for family. I knew sooner or later either she would read something in my page that bothered her or that I would read something in her page that would bother me. I guess I was the one to read something that bothered me first. I am not mad at her. I am hurt, and I am deeply offended. One hand washes the other. I have many times cooked for all of us without complaining or thinking about the cost. Because we are family and thats what family does for each other. Now I'm wondering does she care as strongly about our friendship as I do.... Friends dont feel cheated about something so small like that. I am going to send her the 10.00 dollars that she is out, for the simple reason that 10.00 is not worth arguing and hurting someone over. I thought we even though it rained, we all had a good time. I guess she wasnt. As friends she could have told me how she felt. I left her a comment, nothing bad... Just explaining to her how I felt. I think friends before all should always be honest and upfront with one another. I am sorry that she had such a terrible day at my house and with my family. No one is perfect. I guess I put too much into having that one special friend,. Maybe I am not meant to have a best friend...??

What you see is what you get with me.. I dont try to be somebody I'm not. I have my faults of course. I am not perfect and if you go back to one of my other entries you will see what is my downfall. I try to be as good a friend as I possibly can. I give my all in a friendship...I think I do this because I so want a friend to be like this with me. I dont have an older sister but I wished I did. I wouldn't have to go and look for friends out side , I would have my sister. As it stands I have 2 younger sisters and they have to look up to me ... I cant look up to them...My mom and I talk often but I just cant be myself with my mom because she tends to go against me. I am looking for someone to talk to, to understand and relate to me, to not judge me, and most importantly to not take take take and not give back as well..I believed that Steph and I had this but do we Steph??

Maybe I am overreacting....She is entitled to write what ever she wants I respect that. I want her to have that openess, My whole point is how honest can we be with others reading and not feeling defensive??? Once aggain I am not mad,, I want us to sort everything , there could have been a big misunderstanding... Steph is a really good , sweet person... She is no way, shape or form wrong for expressing her self or venting...that is her space to say and write whatever she wants..keep it up Steph... Things happen and there is an explanation for everything... We'll move forward and I'm sure after everything is said and done everything will be ok....

Ladies I know this was a loooooooong entry,.... thank you to those who hanged in there.... I really apreciate you guys listening to me.... OHH Yea Pam thanks a bunch for telling me how to use photobucket for my graphics..It works!! Goodnight all and Take Care.....

Officially on STRIKE!!!!!

Hey ya'll, I haven't written an entry yet and I have a good reason why. I am not going to make another entry until stupid AOL fixes the add pic from hometown button! This is the only way I know how to add graphics. If I add then thru regular add pictures the animation will not work. So as of a couple days ago..I AM ON STRIKE. I wish I knew how to contact the idiots to let them know to fix the damm issue...Hope all is well..Hopefully I will be back soon..... Take Care ALL......

Steph.........

Where the hell is the add pics from aol hometown feature..IT'S MISSING!!!

Ok Just a question.... Is anyone else having a hard time adding pics from hometown?? The whole damn button to click on to add pics from hometown is missing. The only thing I see is Add pictures... I cant use this feature because then the graphics or tags are not animated. I apologize to anyone if the prior 2 tags that I used were supposed to be animated. Right now they are not, but as soon as I can fix this issue they will be corrected. ANy one else having this problem??

Let it all go.......

                          By T.D Jakes...07               There are people who  can walk away from you.
  Hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away  from you: Let the walk... I don't want you to try  to try and talk another person into staying with you, to love you, to call you, to care about you, to come and see you, to stay attached to you. Just hang up that phone. When people can find in their hearts to walk away from you, let them walk . Your destiny is never tied to someone that has left.
  
The Bible said , They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they had been of us, no doubt that they would have continued with us...[1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you, And If they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay..

Let them Go........

And if they go it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. You've got to realize when a person's part in your  story is over, You need to know this so that you don't keep  trying raise the dead.

You just got to let it go..

You've got to know when it's over... Everyone has the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, believe in goodbye. Its not that we want to be hateful, we're just faithful. Whatever God means for us to have, He'll give us. And if takes too much sweat we don't need it. Stop begging people to stay!

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to....

LET IT GO!!

If you areholding on to pasthurts and pains.....

LET IT GO!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth....

LET IT GO!!

If someone has angered you......

LET IT GO!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge..

LET IT GO!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction.....

LET IT GO.......

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents.....

LET IT GO!!

If you have a bad attitude....

LET IT GO!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET IT GO!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in HIM...

LET IT GO!!

If you are  struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...

LET IT GO!!


If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!

If you are feeling depressed and stressed.....

LET IT GO!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying" take your hands off it", then you need to.....

LET IT GO!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things,
God is doing a new thing for 2007!!!

LET IT ALL GO!! Take a deep breath, hold it for 10 seconds and EXHALE....... LET IT GO!!!
                            

A new day and maybe a start to a new me??

                      

 

Well today is a new day and I feel a little better than I did yesterday. I am still thinking about a lot of things. I am no closer to a solution to my troubles than I was yesterday. Did I get anything productive done today?? Well no not really... I have say my ass on this computer contemplating what I am going to do. 

 

My mother in law finally made an appearance. She of course had a bunch of excuses about how she has been sick and that's why she hasnt come by. She handed me a 20.00 bill and told me to go buy pizza and soda for the kids. Like this makes things better?? I told her"Look they dont want your money, they want to spend time with you? She looked like I had slapped her across the face. I guess she thought that I would be happy just to take the money. Umm well noo. They dont need money. What they need is a stable grandmother. So she said "I will take them to my house but I am sick, Do you want them to get sick? What kind of question is that? Do I want my kids to get sick...Hell No..So I told her Listen dont worry about it, They'll get over it. I wanted her out of my face as soon as possible. My daughter took the money lol...I guess she figured I rather have something than nothing..Smart Kid.:)

 

I am bored as hell. We were going to go to my sis in law's house. It turned out that she was having company(her sister and her 2 kids and her cousin). Ben and I decided not to go. There would just be too many kids and noise. And besides my sis in law has a small apartment like me and it wouldn't be too comfortable. So we'll go another day. Sucks cause I was dressed already lol.... Of course if I am dressed I want to go somewhere but Brn didn't feel like it and besides there isnt any money. So here I am making another meaningless entry.

 

I heard some disturbing news about my downstairs neighbor. What I was told is that on Saturday her 4 yr old daughter started vomiting non stop. She decided to take her to the hospital. While at the hospital she decided to tell the doctors that for the past couple of days her daughter has been having some vaginal discharge. She is a concerned parent why should she be afraid to tell the doctor anything? Anyway the nurses and doctors decide to get Children's Services involved. They started giving the baby medication to treat sexually transmitted diseases.... BEFORE determining whether or not she was sexually molested. What kind of hospital is this???? They concluded that the child had in fact not be sexually molested..WTF.... They said that it was some sort of inflammation in the vagina most likely due to an infection. Ok I dont know how a 4 yr old gets a vaginal infection, (maybe they were not bathing her frequently) But the good news was that she was not touched by a man. Still and all the hospital and Children's Services do not want to let her leave the hospital. The little girl was admitted and the mother wanted to come home and shower and stuff. They told her is she were to leave the hospital she would not get her daughter back.... I dont know but this whole story is a little funny. Last I heard an investigator came and told them to release the girl and her mother. I have not heard them downstairs so I dont know if they are home yet. Whole thing Way Weird!!

 

I think in order for me to start feeling better, I have to do something with myself. I need to get back to work and school. I need to lose these extra 60 pds and I need to get out of this house more often. I need some hang out time with girlfriends without children or drama. I need to release this tension that I have built up. These things are not that hard to accomplish so I need to get my ass working on it.

 

My mother called me today. Her attitude has disappeared and she was her self again. I hate when she gets in her little moods. I guess it is menopause. Thara why I try not to pay her too much mind but it irks the shit out of me when she says things that are not true.

I have a baby shower that I am invited to on Saturday. It's for my neighbor upstairs daughter. I dont know what to get for this chick. First of all I dont really know the daughter. Secondly I dont have any money to spend. I have to go because my friends has been telling me about this for awhile. I dont know what I am  going to do. Hopefully I can find something cute and cheap. I think my friend was trying to give me a hint about the spending limit. She was telling how a mutual friend of ours was going to spend about 100.00. She was going to get a bathtub and fill it all up with stuff for the baby. Well I am happy for her, but there is no WAY that I am going to spend that much. The most I will spend if I have it is 30.00. I dont like being invited to parties for this reason.

 

Well this is it for now.... may do another entry later...

I want to thank ,all of you...Deb, Pam , Marla and Steph, for all the sweet comments you girlies have been leaving me. I really appreciate it...

 

 

Where is me???

                           
                                          So I'm back and I am still not happy. I ranted and raved in my last entry. You would think that I feel better but I feel worse. I am glad that I finally got all that off my chest but it seems like I get rid of stuff only to pile more stuff on. Maybe I am going to be getting my period soon or I am just too dammn depressed. I got my oldest son back. My mother brought him back because she said she has to work. She got me pissed off because she is always trying to be an instigator with my kids. There is one thing that I hate (well I have a lot of things that I hate but this gets on my nerves more) is somebody telling me that I am showing favortism to my daughter. She pits my sons against my daugter and I hate it! We were all sitting here and my son and daughter start bickering over a damm game because thats what they do. My son went into my daughters room and took a game of us and of course my daughter all of a sudden wanted to play that particular game. So my mother jumps in and starts yelling at my daughter about how she wasnt playing with it and now that she sees her brother using it she wants it. Now that may be true,BUT my 2 sons are forver doing this to my daugter. So they need a taste of their own medicine. I told my daughter to relax herself. I wasnt going to take the game away from Dylan but I let him know that his sister had every reason to act the way she was acting. Instead of my mother letting me handle it she buts in again and starts yelling at me that I am playing favoritism, that I spoil my daughter. That Im wrong I shouldnt do that. I finally tell her to stop because my sons actually start to believe this bullshit and then they try to use it on me later. I'm tired of her always doing this shit. She is not here 24 hrs a day to see what is going on. I know how they all act and I know when they are just trying to get on each other's nerves. CANT she just let me handle my kids!!! She must have had it in for my daughter today because everything she did my mother had something to say. I was getting so tired of it and it took everything I had not to see something that I would regret later.It got my blood boiling though...She was also mad because I didnt cook..WTF Can I breathe... Do I have to do something every single day so that people can actually see that I need a break. NOO I am not cooking today and if you dont like it then go home and cook....I told her to calm down and just relax....She finally went home about an hr ago.

                           IIf I had one wish it would be that God take this feeling of despair and envy that I have in my heart. I dont want to be this one. I dont want to dislike people because they have faults. Who am I to judge? I dont want to feel envious of somebody just because they have things easier than I. I dont want to hate on somebody just because its easier for them to pay their bills or buy luxuries and everything we have is because we had to work double for it. I hate it. It eats away at me soo bad but I cant stop, THOU SHALL NOT ENVY....and I swear that I dont want to feel like this. Dont get me wrong,  I am not a selfish person and I would give you my last dollar if you needed it more than I. I always go out of my way to help somebody. BUT I find myself leaning more towards teh underdog than someone who has it all. I dont want to be like that. I dont want to deny one person help because they are better off and then help another person out because they have nothing. Everybody is equal....Right?? Am I wrong for feeling like this??? I think that this is why things never work out for the way Ben and I want .. Why cant I be happy for Jane when she has a 2 family house and just purchased a car but I can be happy for Jan because she just got approved for government housing and was able to buy a used car. (These people do not exist I just wanted to give an example) Instead I would just hate on Jane and say that she can never be satified and BLAHZY BLAH...Am I making sense?

                           
I just feel like crying right now and I really dont have a reason why.... I think about Ben having the day off but then again we have no money to actually go out and do something. Which means that most likely tomorrow I will be in the house again. This makes me sad for some reason. I am feeling down on myself because I am not working right now. I am not contributing financially besides the help I get. We are so behind with bills its not even funny. This topic I really dont like to talk about much because there are people who get thrills when I say that Ben and I are struggling. I am being sued by the gas company because they say I have not payed the bill in the 2 years that I have been here. Well Yea I have not paid the bill because I have not recieved a fucking bill....and stupid me found this weird but jusr brushed it to the side. We still owe the landlady for this month....Even though her and I made an agreement that I would pay her at the ending of each month but so what I still owe her. Rent a Center has been calling off the hook because they want their money. I am dying to send their asses to hell! Its hard as hell but we keep trying and by the grace of God we always manage to get by. We dont have any credit cards to help us either. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up, thuis is all too much to handle. I just want to leave everything behind including the kids and just go far away..... But I love these 4 people more than anything in the world and I just cant leave them. So I just take it day by day. I know to some people we look like everything is ok and we have it all, but they do not know how hard it is to maintain what we have. I thank GOD that my children have what they have ...and that we have a roof over our heads with a few luxuries here and there. None of which has come easy as some may think.                                     My problem is that I have this habit of just brushing everything to the side and worry about it later. When later comes it is too late but to deal with the problem the way it was presented to me. Had I dealt with it from the beginning I would have had time to sort it through"SIGH" Hard habit to break but one that needs to broken ASAP.......... It is hard for me to stop thinking in the way that whatever problem is here today will be here tomorrow and therefore why deal with it now??? To me life is too short to stress about things...BUt is this mentality really getting me where I want to be??? Ben is the total opposite...He takes care of things right there and then.... He feels like without money there wouldnt be a family(which is true) But my thing is why Kill yourself working so many hours , when doing this you have no time for your family.... What happens if God FOrbid one of us wasnt here tomorrow??? Am I wrong for thinking that you have to enjoy life and your family to the fullest because life can be taken away any moment......??? I am not even sure that I am making much sense at this point.... I am one of these stupid moods... This journal is my only outlet(sorry for pouring so much out) I think about going to sleep tonight.....and this makes me feel even worse because I know tomorrow when I wake up it will be a just be a different day but the same shit to do, Hence my title.... There is so much I have to do and there is so much I want to do, Can I get it all done??? I dont even know......
                                     I am not happy with myself and if you cant be happy with yourself , How can you be happy with anyone else??? How do I take myself out of this funk.... I need to find myself and once I do that look deep inside and figure out who I really am....I dont know myself, I am just a person living my life the way I see others live theirs..... I need to BE ME... whoever me is....  I think once I do this I wont be scared of life anymore...I wont procatinate anymore.... And I will learn how make my own decisions without having anyone make them for me.... I am a strong woman , I have been through alot.......I know I have that fight in me. I have that independence in me, the drive in me... But somewhere between there and here I have lost myself....and its hard to find me again...

This was supposed to be an entry about who irritates the hell out of me , instead it became about ME...I'm apologize for all these long entries.... Well my friends the time has come for me to get my ass in the shower...... Hope you ladies have had a good week so far..It's been quiet around here not too many comments..Don't stray on me Girlies.... LOL

Take care all and Goodnight..........

Never take someone for granted, You wouldnt like how it feels!

                                                 I missed an entry yesterday, But I am back today. Yesterday turned out not to be a good day for me. First of all I felt like shit. My body was aching in places I never knew could ache. My throat was bothering me(I'm not sure if it is a sore throat or the beginning of an infection) I could not find a comfortable spot in bed(I have stood up till 5:00am for the last 2 days)It did not help matters that I sleep with a man who when he is wet weighs about 160 so imagine when he is dry. For someone with such little body mass he sure takes up the whole bed. I usually am woken up by an elbow blow to the face or a knee kick to my back.  I was ons step away from pushing his ass to the floor!
                                                            He's lucky I love him to death though, so he was able to stay. My day started off pretty good. I was able to sleep in due to the fact that my boys are not home. I just have my daugter home, so of course she had no one to argue with or yell at. Good things also have to come with bad things lol, So yes I didnt have to deal with all the bickering in the morning BUT I had to listen to her talk her  head off. I just remember bits and pieces of what she was telling me lol..... Ben woke and made breakfast for all 3 of us...My baby is such a good man.(even though at times he can be a pain in the ass) While I was eating I was thinking about how I what I was going to do. My plans were to do the garbage (since it was takeout day) , then I wanted to sweep and mop both hallways, after that I wanted to go do my laundry. DID I get to do all of this??? NOOO I did not. Reason being that I live with a bunch of inconsiderate, nasty ass, people!   I go outside only to see a bunch of garbage all over the damn place. I swear to you I walked in and out 3 times debating on whether or not I was going to touch anything.. OK I understand that people have to get rid of their garbage, BUT there is a way to be neat about it. Garbage cans are provided , so why would these idiots put the garbage bags beside the garbage cans...ARE THE GARBAGE CANS JUST TO MAKE THE PLACE LOOK PRETTY??? Not only that but the so called princess downstairs in the next building was remodleing her place. SO they felt that they had to throw all the wood beams, carpeting, plaster, and other bullshit right ontop of the recycle garbage cans so that the rest of the idiots had no choice but to throw everything on top! I called the landlady up and I let her know that she WAS NOT paying me to clean up fucking demolition stuff. I told her how was I supposed to be able to pick all that shit up by myself?? Do I look like a man??? Her response was "Well wha was she supposed to keep it in her apt.?? Well I dont know what the hell she was supposed to do but all I know for sure was that I was not touching that fucking carpet. I told her that I would leave it on MISS princessese steps. WHich I did. It took me 2 hours to finish with the garbage. The animals that live here still dont know how to recycle therefore I had to sort everything out myself... Its not going to be too long that I am going to be doing this. For 150 a mth off the rent it is not worth it!!      
 

Needless to say I was too tired to do the hallways. I just swept where I live at and them I came in and cleaned up my apt. I was soo aggravated and tired that I did not even want to get on the computer. I did not do my laundry and I now have 6 big bags of laundry waiting to be washed.It's a damn shame that when my son came to get clothes , all I had was 2 pairs of clean jeans!! 
                            
I feel like I really need a friend right now.... I am feeling so down, its disgusting. You look at other people and you see how carefree they are and you think "What are they doing that they can be happy and I am not? What am I doing wrong?? I dont really like talking to people because most of the time they are not even listening to you. They are there ,but their minds are really not in tune to what you are saying. Not only that but most of them want to judge you or even think that they are better than you. One thing I hate is to be judged, or even more I hate to be around someone who thinks they are better than everyone. SOOOO right now I am feeling lonely. I am disgusted by the behavior of so many people around me that I dont want to be bothered.               First off I am disgusted by my mother in law!! She is just a bitch ..Excuse my language. When I first met Ben I didnt like her because she was a ghetto ass woman. She was into smoking pot and drinking and hanging out until 6am in the morning.When my daughter was born she had the opportunity to stay and witness her birth , instead she chose to go out and party. HER excuse was Ohhh Ben I dont want to take your place..UHHH 2 people are allowed in the room dumbass! Anyway I could cant the number of times that she came to see my daughter between age of newborn to about 4 yrs old on my hands! This was the cause of many arguments between Ben and I. I would not hesitate to tell him that his mother was a bitch(I now know this was wrong). About 2 yrs ago I helped this lady get an apt in the building right next door to me. She needed a place because she was being thrown out of the room she was renting. I should have known better. I thought that with her living right next door to me our relationship would improve. At first it did. We started talking to each other. Neither her man or her had a job and I would buy them food on numerous occasions. Whenever I went food shopping I would bring her along so she could get what she needed. She would come see the kids everday. They loved it. Finally they got to know their daddy's mom.I gave her money for cigarettes and I assume weed even though she didnt say it was for that. It's funny how someone says they dont have money but they find a way to get high. Well coming into the present, my mother in law finally found herself a job. Now that she has a job I guess she thinks her shit doesnt stink and that she is better than us. She doesnt pay her rent. She promised my kids that when she got a job she would do more for them. Since she has gotten a job all she gave them was 50.00 for all three of them for Xmas. WOW WHOOPIE DOO! I have not heard from this lady for going on 2 mths. She has not seen my kids going on 2 mths..no phone calls nothing. You would think she lived in another part of the world. It doesnt take too much to just open your door and come to my house, after all the damm 2 houses are attached! Its funny how when they didnt have money , and Ben and I were literally supporting them they were all chummy with us. Now they they have jobs they cant be bothered. She doesnt even come see her own son who would die for her. She only thinks about her 2 younger sons. Everything is about them. I guess because they all have something in common. They all smoke with each other. SInce Ben does not smoke they find him too boring. Not even his brothers come to visit. They come for 5 mins , drop their families off here and go downstairs to smoke. Like I said we must be too conservative for them. I am not going to lie , Ben used to smoke weed before I met him. Once we got together that was all thrown out the window. Everyone has to grow and be responsible. I guess some people never will. If their own mother doesnt show them how to grow up why should the younger two grow up??

I have more thngs that are messing with my mind right now, but this entry is getting way too long, So to be continued!
Hope everyone is ok......

           

 

Choices and Decisions we live with.....

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I just learned how to do this, so I wanted to share... This is a Day out in Prospect Park with their Daddy while Mommy stood home relaxing..LOL... These pics are not from today these were taken back in the spring. Well today was a pretty good day for me. My kiddies behaved and let me sleep in. My middle son is with his Father. He came to pick him up yesterday. It's about time too. It's been about 2 weeks since he has came and got him. Sometimes I don't want to let him go but I know he has to spend time with his dad too. His father pisses me off though. Instead of spending the entire day with his son, He just spends a few hours with him and then drops him off at his mother's house. He does this because I guess he'd rather spend time with his current girlfriend.
I say current because he is married. He has been married for the last 6 yrs. Meanwhile he lives with this other girl. You think it ends there. Well no he is still messing around with his wife! AND they both know it!!! They both have children with him too!. Basically the story goes like this.... I met him when my oldest son was 6mths old. He was a very nice guy, who adored my son. We started dating.
I thought that this might be the one. Come to find out after about a year of us seeing each other he had a girlfriend who he was with for 3 yrs already! I find this info out one day when I called his house and his mother accidentally called me ANNIE.. UHH Who is Annie? To top it off this phone call was to let him know that I just found out I was pregnant..GO FIGURE

I always get stuck with lowlives. Needless to say that was the end of that. I was not about to get in the middle of a relationship that has been going on for a while. So I tried to figure out what I was going to do.. I wasnt ready for another child. My oldest was just 1 yr and 6 mths!! I had just moved in my own apt alone and I was trying to take care of the bills and my son on my own. I was already a single parent with 1 child.


Did I want to be a single parent with 2 children?? Around this time I was introduced to Ben by my cousin.... You know the story from there. Obviously I am still with him and I love him to death and had I not met him when I did, my middle son would have not been here.(see archives on the story) Anyway I finally got to tell the cheater about my pregnancy.











He had no reaction and I didnt hear from him again till I was 1 week away from giving birth. He tells me he wants to be a part of his son's life. He almost ruined my relationship because thru the whole 9 mths Ben and I had made plans for him to adopt my child. We didnt know that the father would want to have anything to do with the baby. I gave birth by Csection to a 10 pd 5 oz healthy beautiful baby boy! He came to the hospital to see him.










Since I was bedridden with a C-section I left it up to him to take care of the Birth Certificate. BIG MISTAKE... He didnt give my son his LAST name he  gave my son his MOTHER's maiden NAME. I found this out one day when I seen a piece of mail addressed to him at his mother's house after the baby was 6 mths old! WHat a JERK(Up to this day it is still like that while his 2 daughters have his last name.)










Well the girlfriend didnt find out about his son till the baby was 1 yrs old. She came to visit his mother and my son was there. She asked who was the baby? They told her it was her boyfriends child. MUSTVE BEEN A REAL SHELL SHOCKER! Well fortunately to say the girl and I are now great friends. SHE has accepted my child as her own and would do anything for him. She takes him on weekends. She is a beautiful person!










She was just unlucky to fall in love with the wrong person. When my son was about 3 yrs old, She and I found out that he had gotten another girl pregnant(his current girl)Well actually he told me first and asked me not to say anything. It was none of my business so I stood out of it. SHe found out about that baby the day they threw the girl a baby shower. I'm sure she was devasted. All the while the many times she got pregnant he would make her get abortions!









So now the love of her life(she was with him since she was 14) has 2 kids none belonging to her! He ended up having a daughter.Why she is still with him I do not know. Love is blind I guess. He was back and forth between the 2 girls. Finally Annie gets pregnant. My son was 4 yrs old. She has a daughter(whom my son adores!)So now he has 3 kids!Does he pay child support for my son. NOO but when I ask him for money he never refuses. The least could do, since he does nothing else.










I dont really bother with him. The less I see of him the better it is!.. He has been an Ok father. He does give money when I ask even if it is 400.00 in one lump sum. I dont ask for weekly support but you better believe that if my son wants to go to camp or if he wants something that costs a lot of money I call his ass up! My son asks for anything and he gets it. Which is basically not fair to my other 2. His fathers family gives him whatever he asks for. My other 2 see this and they wonder why they dont get the same.I have to expplain to them that it's his father's family who buys it for him not us. Now that they are older they understand more. When it comes to spending time though his father is a slacker. He finally left Annie to go live with his other girlfriend. When he was with Annie he would see my son way more! Annie was always asking him to pick up my baby. But this other woman is not like that. SHe leaves her daughter with her mother all the time, so why would she want to deal with my child. I dont even like when my son is with her because she doesnt take care of him the right way. When my son is with Annie, she makes sure he takes a bath, brushes his teeth and change his clothes. When he is with this other broad he doesnt do any of these things! She would let him sleep with the clothes he had on all day! I dont tell his father who to be with and I also cant tell him that I dont want my son around his new girlfriend because basically that is who his father chooses to be with.  They have a whole love triangle going on. He is still with both of them and all these two girls do is get at each other's throats. They cannot stand each other and if they could I think that they would kill each other. He keeps on promising Annie he is going to come back to her. It's been 3 years now that they have just been sex partners( and she is the wife). Recently my son told me that he heard the current girlfriend tell someone that she is pregnant. OMG!!! Annie is going to flip! He promised he would go live with her in March. I tried talking to her and telling her that she deserves better. But when you are in love nothing any one can say will make you see it. I wish her the best of luck. As for my son I just spoke to his father a little while ago and he just picked him up from his mother's house. It's a miracle.He just asked me if my son needed anything> I said Yeah, get him some socks and some white uniform shirts. He was like"I have to start giving you money. I havent given you anything in a while.UHHH you just fucking noticed that??!!Let's see if it happens though. I dont expect shit from him. God sent me a good man who loves me and my kids. He helps me support my kids. He never hesitates to give them anything. At first it used to bother Ben because he would say that he had to do somebody elses job while the other man gets to relax. But then he realized that this other man was not important. Regardless if( J) is my son's father Ben is my son's Daddy and no one can change that! So we do what we have to do for our kids and if this idiot decides to help out whenever it comesout his ass .... well whatever.  I am not going to be after no man. Its his choice. When my son grows up he will ask his father how come they hardly spent time with each other. I gave him a choice in that hospital room the day my son was born. I told him you can either be there for this child or you can walk out this hospital room and never look back. I told him I already had a good man who was willing to take care my child. He chose to stay. Welll dammit grow up and be a man! Some men will never grow up. One good thing that came out out of all this. My son was blessed with a beautiful grandmother. His father's mother is a wonderful person. She loves that lil boy to death and she would walk to the end of the earth to make sure he is happy. Whatever he asks for she gives. When he was little she bought all his diapers and stuff. She was a grandmother to my oldest child as well and when my daughter was born she treated her like her granddaughter too. Every Xmas she not only gets her grandson but she also gets my other 2 gifts! I could not ask for a better Gma. She makes up for what her son can not do. God Bless her! We beame great friends and I love her like if she were my own mother. When my son was about to turn 1 yr old, she suffered a brain anerysm and almost dies. She was in Rehab for months. She never got to see her grandson's first birthday. She so looked forward to this day. For God's reasons she wasnt able to. My heart broke in two for her! I thought my son would lose the only thing that he had that was worth anything from that side of the family. I cried and prayed for God not to take her away. She survived but was left in a wheelchair and she can not talk. She still loves that boy to death and the day she woke up out of surgery she wrote my son's name and birthday on a piece of paper, to let us know that sheremembered. They say had she not love my son sooo much she probably would not be living right now. She got to see her baby boy grow up. Yea its not the same but I am just happy that he still has his grandmother and that he knows how much she loves him. I can go on and on about the bond they share but I think you guys get the picture. So even though I still got to dealwith this man's BS at least my son has a grandmother who adores him and I guess a father who loves him in his own way. Well thats it for this entry...I'll do another one on my day today....