Misery and hurt.... Your past catches up with you....eventually

Hello there...... It's a miracle I am making an entry so early... Thing is when I do add entries early I have nothng to write about lol.. I have been sitting here on the puter for about 2 hrs now. I have not touched this house at all. After all the cleaning yesterday my kids decided to play with their toys and now their rooms have toys everywhere. I am not in the mood to fight with them so Im  letting them be for now. I've been thinking about things from past.... and its funny how everything you do when you are young somehow manages to affect you as you get older. Before I met Ben..... and wayyy before I had my sons .....I was about 15 , I met this guy who lived in my grandmothers building. Now everyone warned me about him but of course I didnt listen. I was a stupid teenager going through a stupid phase. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Anyway we started a relationship. Mind you I wasnt allowed to have boyfriends. My motther was really strict with me. I always found a way to go see him though. I would lie and say I was going to see my grandma or even cut school to go to his house. (stupid I know). Well about 2 mth into the relationship we were in his room(his mother didnt care) . Things led to another and he wanted to have sex. I was a virgin and I didnt want to do it. Well he tells me if I dont do it that we were going to break up and he wouldnt see me ever again. Me being an idiot and longing for a serious relationship were someone would show me love.....gave in. It was quick and well not sooo good. I felt terrible afterwards but at least I still had him right??.. Well the relationship continued..... But not the relationship that I dreamed of... He turned abusive...He started slapping me around, pulling my hair, for no reason. Of course I fought back and every part of me knew I should have left him but of course I still wanted that love. I remember one day he lockedme in his room while he went out. I was there for hrs...crying too embarrassed to call out because I knew his family would find out. I thought about climbing through the window(he lived on the first floor) but then everyone would see me and that would be too embarrassing as well. So I sat and waited and waited.. Finally his brother opened the door(he came into get something) He was shocked to see me and he knew that his brother had locked me in. I just left without saying a word.....You think I ended it there ? I should have....but of course I didnt. I then proceeded to make the worst mistake of my life. I let him talk me into running away from home. At the time I disliked my mom.....WHY because she knew he was a piece of shit... She knew that he wasnt the one for me and that I wasnt ready for a relationship. I hated her for keeping me away from him. She made the mistake one day of hitting me in the face hard enough to cause a nosebleed(I forget why but most likely it was because of him) So when he told me that his sister would let me stay at her house.... I listened. I ran away at the age of 16. It was a nightmare... I led myself into a trap. I gave him power over me. I left with about 2 pants and 2 shirts.... I did not have any money or anything. I thought that he would change and he would be happy. I even though that maybe we could have a baby(thank GOD! it never happened) From the first night I was doomed. I wasnt allowed to go outside, I got beat for looking out the window. I was basically a prisoner. He would find money to bring me stuff (feminine products) and I ate only breakfast and sometimes dinner. His sister was never home..she stayed by her mothers house becuase it was closer to her job. She knew he hit me and she told me if he ever did it again to tell her.... BUT of course I didnt. Everybody knew.....I had bruises all over..... I met a girl there... She was my angel. SHe helped me get thru all this.. It was her I talked to when he was gone... Of course he started going out and leaving me there.. HE would stay away for hours.or days..(stupid me I should have left right but I was sooo scared)His excuse was that the cops were looking for me and he had to stay home so they wouldnt think I was with him....His sister later told me that he was cheating on me with a 13 yr old girl. I missed home ... I missed my mother and my sisters soo bad it hurt physically..... I just wanted to go home but didnt know how... The girl that I met would talk me into going out with her.. OmG I will never forget the first time I walked out the door without him. I would look over my shoulder scared as shit that he would see me and beat my ass all the way home. I did not enjoy myself I kept begging her to take me back home. I knew that if he came and found out I was gone that would be it for me. She finally took me back...He wasnt there yet thank goodness....... She kept on telling me Steph you have to go back...Steph one of these days he is going to kill you... She even told me she would give me the money to go back. I kept that in the back of my mind. I started to hate him...his touch and kisses would disgust me so much that I would want to throw up.... I was planning on leaving..I was just waiting for the right time. The time came that I knew that I had to get out of there and fast or I might not live to see another day. He came home one night...He must have been high or drunk (I dont know which one) I was asleep..He dragged me out of bed by my hair and told me that if I screamed he would hurt me more.... I kept shut....He dragged me into his sisters room...and he pulled out a GUN...He said that he could kill me right now if he wanted to....I was scared out my mind.. I begged god to let me live.. I was not ready to die..... He kept on rambling like a mad man(I cant remember all the words) He was pushing and pulling me like a rag doll. I asked him why he was doing this I hadnt done anything,... He said if I cant have you nobody is going to have you...... I told him I wasnt leaving .....I told him anything to make him let me go..... It wasnt working... He pointed that gun in my face and I knew my life was over..... I ws just waiting for it to go off. Next thing I knew he hit me with the gun on my temple... I didnt know if I was shot and what...i think i blacked out for a minute... I touched my head..no blood.. I was still alive.... The lump welled up in a second. It was huge!! When he seen what he had done right away he was like I"m sorry .. I love you.... He picked me up and took me back to my bed..... He actually the nerve to hug up with me .... I cried the whole night....and I vowed that the next time he left I was leaving. He did not leave for 2 nights....My friend(G) saw my head and cried with me.. She told me that the next time he left I was leaving no matter if she had to drag me out. He finally left..... I knew I had to call my mother to see if I could go home... She gave me a quarter and I called my mom.... I did not know what to say. It was 2 mths that I had spoken with her... She knew it was me and all she said was Stephanie come home... I told her Ok I will be there tomorrow. I felt like if a weight had been lifted.... I knew no matter what I was leaving even if he was there... even if I had to kill him myself. I was not going to stay there and wait till he killed me the next time he was high. I didnt have no feelings towards except hatred and I knew if I had to I would kill him. Thankfully he didnt come home that night..... Early the next morning I packed my 2 outfits that were already worn out from everyday use and I kissed my friend(g) goodbye and I promised that she would always be my best friend my angel and I left. The whole bus ride I was nervous that he would go after me...... I knew that once I got to my moms house I would be safe...she would be there to protect me....... To be continued later on today.....