My Secret..part 2

What I went through the first 1 year of my son's life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He was a bastard. His mother talked me and him into living with each other in her house. She really wanted us to work things out. That lasted 2 weeks. He would come to the house whenever he was finished F#$%ing around with his stupid ugly older woman. I was an idiot to stay up and wait for him to come home. When he was at the house, he never even held my son. He would look at him and keep walking. Finally after 2 weeks of having sex with me and his woman...he came up with an excuse that he was going to move in with his friend because he couldn't sleep due to the baby waking up at night. That was a lie, he actually moved in with his woman. Shit hit the fan when one day he had come to his mother's house to visit with his friend. He put on a front that he loved his son in front of his friend. He wanted to hold my son. I told him No. Why now?? When he never cared before. I guess he got embarrassed and he flipped out. He threw all mine and the baby stuff (clothes and everything else )on the floor. He told me to get out of his mother's house. I  could not believe that he would do that to his own child's stuff. I put all of our stuff in a garbage bag and walked out of that house. Nobody helped me!!!. I tried to keep him  involved in his son's life but he didn't want any part. He would call my son a pussy, that he cried too much. All these things I'm telling you!! tore me apart. I lived for my son now. I was going to do whatever I could to protect him from pain.

The last time this man seen my son was when he was 1 yrs old. I took him to his mothers house. When I went to pick my baby up, he was with his girlfriend. He gave me the baby and told me that he was one step away from giving my baby a whooping because all he did was cry. What the fuck did he expecct. My son didn't know him!! That was the end of everything. I gave up. He was never going to lay his hands on my child ever!!

So moving forward, I met my son's real daddy when he was a year and fifteen months. This is when I met Ben. It takes a man to create a child but it takes a real man to be a daddy. This is what Ben became to my son. My son instantly loved Ben. Ben instantly loved my son. It was like love at first sight. You can read an older entry how Ben and I can to be. From that day on they became father and son. My son knows no other daddy.

Coming back to the present now......

My oon has been going to a therapist for about 5 mths now.... I told the therapist about the fact that Ben is not my son's real father but that he is his daddy. He asked me if my son knew who his real father was....And this is my secret..My son does not know that Ben is not his real dad. I didnt want him to know becuase I didnt want my son to have a void in his heart. I didnt want my son growing up knowing that his father doesnt want to have nothing to do with him... I couldnt stand the fact that this may cause him so much pain.

But now the therapist says he feels that my son needs to know. He says that he thinks that my son might have an idea and that is why he is showing some anger. He says that I can not hide this from him forever and that its better for him that I tell him sooner than later.

How can I tell my son thins???? I dont want him to know! I dont things to change for him. I dont want to take away from him the only father he knows and who loves him to give him a man that does not give a fuck.

I dont want him hurting! I am soo torn. I know that eventually secrets come out and that he will know one day. What about if I tell him and he starts to lose respect for me and Ben. It can destroy our family.

The thereapist says who do I know this?? How do I know that my son wont care and things will go on being the way they are??

I know that my son will not take this lightly. I know that my son is overly sensitive.  His world would totally change. He will think its his fault that his father doesnt want to be involved. He will wonder about this asshole. I dont want him to go through that. He will feel left out. My daughter has her real dad, my other son knows his real dad but then when it comes to him he wouldnt know his real dad.

How can I do this to me son?? What is the right thing to do. When my son was 7 yrs old he asked me "Why is it that he has a different last name than his dad(Ben) and I told him that the hospital made a mistake on his Birth Certificate. That was the end of it, he never asked again. I dont know if I did the right or wrong thing.

I am so confused and torn. The therapist says that he will help us get through this but he doesnt live in our world.

What do I do, Lord what do I do??

 

 I have asked this asshole to give up his paternal rights so that Ben could adopt him. The asshole said that he would never give us the satisfaction.This was when my son was about 2 or 3 yrs old. It would have so much more easier had he done this. I have been trying to get into contact with him, but his mother never gives him my messages. She doesn't want him to give up his rights. She said that it should be my son's decision whether or not he wants to know his real father. This guy doesn't pay child support and he's never looked for my son since he was 1. Why the fuck would the mother think that my son would want to know this man. I want to contact him to see if he would agree to give up his rights now, Ben could finally  adopt him and it would probably be a little easier for my son to deal with. No one in that family looks for my child.( B) went on to have another child, this time a boy. Now he has 1 girl and 2 boys. He is involved in his daughter's and son's life. He pays child support for them but he cant do the same for my son. I dont need or want anything from him anyway but still.

I wish things were different. I wish I had never met this guy. I wish Ben was really my son biological father!!! Ohhh God if I could just turn back the hands of time!! How can I be responsible for maybe destroying my son's life? This was my mistake, this is meant for me to suffer with, not my baby boy.

Can I keep this secret forever??? Do I continue give my son what he needs or do I tell him the truth and let him decide at 10 yrs old what he wants to do. This is too much for a 10 yr old to handle. Why do us parents do irresponsible things when we were young that in turn hurt our children in the future???

I dont have an answer, honestly I don't. I've lived with the burden of this truth for 10 yrs old. I can live with it another 10 or 20 years if that means that I would protect my son. I keep my secret at who's expense though.

Is the therapist right??? Am I doing my son more harm than good by keeping this secret???

Why does this have to be so dammm hard?, Why did this guy have to turn out to be a lowlife??? So many questions but no answers....

So this is my deep dark secret, a secret that can devastate my whole family. I kept it a secret because Ben is such a good father, the kind of father I longed for my son to have. When Ben came into our lives it was like God sent us a blessing in disguise. It was perfect. He is the kind of father my son deserves, so how can I take that away..Soo hard.... I pray that God will steer me to the right choice... Any advice???

 Thats all for now, bringing up all thse bad memories has drained me physically and emotionally...Please  Pray for my son that whatever choice I make will be the right one and that he will be able to deal with it.Please Pray for my family that it remain strong enough to get over this hurdle. Thank you all.....

Goodnight and Take Care my good friends....