My story continued.......

I sat on that bus.... thinking about all that I did wrong. No one was to blame myself.. I put myself in the situation, I was warned and I ignored everyone because I wanted to be grown. I thought I could handle grown up affairs and I was proved wrong. I had plenty of opportunities to get out of that relationship.. I could have told someone but I didnt. I didnt because I was obsessed with finding love. I was obsessed with the prospect of having a relationship. Even though it was a nightmare of a relationship at least I had one . That was my mentality. I was sooo nervous about seeing my mother. What would she do or say. Would she yell and scream. Would she shun me?..... Finally I got to her house. I was hesitant to knock on her door. It took all I had not to turn around and walk away. I had no where else to go.... I knocked , she opened. She looked at me , smiled and welcomed me back home. Everything was just like it was when I left. She didnt bring up anything. She gave me something to eat. ALL she asked was if I was pregnant. I told her No. From there it was like I never left. I seen my sisters. They looked so much older(even though it was just 2 mths). My mother never did find out all that I went through in those 2 mths. I was too ashamed to tell her. Of course he called me. He begged me to give him a swcond chance. He told me that he loved me. He told me that he would never hit me again. Did I believe hi NO. DID I tell him it was over??? NO..... I did not know how to tell him that I didnt love him anymore. That I didnt want to be with him anymore. I figured I wouldnt say anything. I figured that I would just not let him see me. I figured it would be ok if the relationship was just over the phone. My mother had an idea that he was hitting me because his lil nephew seen him grab my hair and slap me in the face. He pulled me into his room(this was before I ran away) His nephew who was about 5 yrs old went and told my aunt who then told my mother. One day my mother bumped into him while he was on the payphone WITH ME. (this was after I came back home)I heard all the commotion. She went up to him and punched him in the face and she told him thats for hitting my daughter. PUNK that he is did nothing . He just gets back on the phone and tells me"Your mother just punched me in the face. I never did see him alone again. For the next mth it was just on the phone. On Valentine's day he showed up with balloons and flowers for me and a card. I did not accept it. He looked like he was going to get mad but there were a lot of other guys around and he didnt dare. Finally he got the point and stopped bothering me. I would bump into him every now and then.(he still lived in my grandmothers building). He would try to see hi but I would just keep on walking. He ended up getting another girlfriend and he abused her too. She left him and he ended up with a 14 yr old girl. She was young and naive just the way he liked them. He abused her as well. She ended up having two daughters from him.She ended up on drugs and eventually lost her daughters. Recently I heard he ended up in jail for 2 different charges of rape on a minor. I thank the lord everyday that he did not let me get pregnant from this guy. I dont think I would have been able to deal with having a child with a rapist. You must be wondering how this has affected me in the present. Well first off I do not trust easily. I am always on the defensive and I know I am capable of doing something terrible if another man was to put his hands on me. He took something away from me that I can never get back. He took away my innocence, he took away my views on what a relationship should be like,.. He gave me a lot of insecurity, low self esteem and a bunch of pain that I kept bottled up. My first experience on love shouldnt have been this way.... I dont know if I will ever be the same again. There is one thing that he didnt take from me though and that is my Strength to overcome any situation....  The struggle to never give up no matter what I go through....( I have gone through more with other people that I will write about one day) He didnt take away my will to live because all he put me through and I was still grateful to have another day to wake up to...even if that meant I had to see his dammm face! 12 yrs later and I still feel this pain, I still remember this as if it happened yesterday.... 12 yrs later and I still have no self esteem which led to me meeting nothing but low lives in my attempt to find someone to be good to me. 12 yrs later and I still cant talk about the horrors that went on in that apt with my family. I believe that he instilled in me all this anxiety and depression. My fear of dying most likely stems from this abuse. Also in a physical sense I never did go to the doctor after he hit me with that gun so I dont know if that injury caused any of the problems that I have. I dread the time when my daughter becomes a teenager. I know firsthand how it is to believe that you are in love and cant no one tell you different. I am scared for my daughter. I do not ever want  her to go through the same things. I look at woman who are in the same situation and I wonder when they are going to wake up. At what risk will she finally going to say I have to get out of here. I know it is hard. I know how it feels to be afraid of being alone and thats why we stay. But I also know how it feels to look death in the face. It is not a pretty sight.  So many women are not as fortunate to be able to walk away with their lives. I could have been one of those women....Scary! If I could go back in time and change things I would. I would have listened to my mother. But you know what I think things happen for a reason... So whatever the reason is that the Lord meant for me to go through this .. I will accept..... Had it not been for my Friend and my courage I would have never made it out alive.... SO thank you G whereever you are....(we lost contact after a while) We've come to the end of this story...... Stay strong and  remember we are all born with courage. We just need the strength to bring it out.