A Secret that will tear us apart......

The clock  is ticking and I am running out of time. If only I knew how to stop time or maybe even reverse it so that I can go back and fix all the things I messed up in my life. I am desperate, scared, and I honestly do not know what I am going to do. I know every family has skeletons in their closets. Some deep dark secret that they pray will never come out. Secrets have a way of leaking out whether it today, tomorrow or 20 yrs from now. This is my problem. I have a big dark ugly secret and it is literally tearing me apart. I can not make up my mind whether or not it is time for me to reveal this secret to one I love with all my heart, soul and being. If it was up to me I would take this secret with me to my grave, But am I doing the right thing?? If I do tell my secret will it be the right thing though or will it destroy all our lives each in a different way!

 

Ok..... before I get into the secret let me tell you how this secret came to be. I was just 17 yrs old. I was independent and a carefree young lady. After all I had been through the year before, I was proud of the person that I had become in the past year. I was now living with my aint who was a big part of me getting my life back on track. She was the best! She was my rock! She gave me everything that I needed at the time. A mother, a friend, a sister. I was working and making a lil money and whatever else I needed my aunt provided me with. I had registered myself in College. Everything was great. I wasnt into boys. I was going to church. You get the point. I was me. I didnt need a substitution for love because I was finally given love.

What could go wrong??? Nothing right??

 

Well it did. And this would change my life forever. I had just gottne paid and I went to the strip to buy me a dress and some shoes to wear to church tonight. All of a sudden I was stopped by a guy on a bike. He wanted totell me that I was very pretty and that I had beautiful eyes. He wanted to know if he could get to know me. He wanted my phone number. I was hesitant. I didnt want any part of a new relationship. I was fine the way I was. I hadnt talked to a boy like that in a few months and this was fine with me. He was persisitent though and when I wouldnt give him my number he gave me his. He wanted me to call him to see if we could go out on the Fourth of July which was about 3 days later.

I took the number just to get him to leave me alone. I had no intentions of calling him. I went about my business. I got my stuff and I was looking forward to going to church later on. I got home and my Aunt was there. She and I talked about everything. So I mentioned to her about meeting this guy on the street. I also told her that I wasnt going to call him back. She asked me "Why, Was he ugly?" I said "No he was kind of cute, but I didnt want to get incvolved again. She told me that I should give him a chance. She said that I was home all the time and that it was time for me to start enjoying myself. She said "What can you lose by going out with him?" "He can turn out to be a good guy and you would never know."

I thought about. Maybe she was right. I wasnt giving anybody a chance because of what had happened to me. Maybe I needed a friend. So I called him . He was sweet. We talked for aawhile. He was 20 yrs old. He told me he had a job and that he still lived at home with his parents because he wanted to help them. He sounded like a really nice and mature guy.

We agreed to go out on the Fourth of July. We were going to go to the South Street SeaPort. He was going to pick me after work , so that he could meet my aunt.

So the day came. I waited. Over the next couple of days we had been talking over the phone. I was now excited to meet up with him. I was starting to like him. He was late but he eventually got there. He told me that he got caught up with stuff atwork. My aunt and him hit it off. She really liked him. We went out and had a nice time. He was a perfect gentleman. It was a romantic date. After that we were inseperable. We were together every day, or if not we spoke on the phone for hours. I finally found genuine love. He showered me with attention, love and material things. We were intimate after 2 weeks of knowing each other. Why so soon?? Because in my warped mind I thought that this was a way to prove to each other that we loved one another. After all he was the perfect man. Even after having sex he was still the same person he was before. He still treated me with respect and he would still come to see me every day. Little did I know that he was about to drop a bomb. My aunt had given me a curfew. I was to be home by 12:00 midnight, 1:00 am the latest. I was not getting home at curfew because by the time he got out of work it was close to 11:00.

Of course mine and my aunts relationship started changing. I should have known better. Finally one night my aunt got really upset at me and she told me that if I wasn't going to follow her rules that I would have to leave because she had 2 small daughters to worry about. I never disrespected my aunt. I did what I only knew how to do. I ran away. I went back to my moms house. My mom really liked him too. So she accepted him in the house. After 3 mths of us together I find out I am pregnant. I should have been scared and unhappy right? No I was ecstatic. I was finally going to have a baby whom I could love with all my heart with a man that I thought I loved. In my world we were going to be the perfect family. He was happy too. He said he wanted a boy. I wanted to give him that boy. When I was 2 mths pregnant he said that he had to tell me something. He told me that he didn't tell me this secret before because he didn't want me to leave him because he loved me so much. What was the secret??? The secret was that before he had met me, he was in a relationship with another girl. A couple of weeks after they broke up that's when he met me. He told me that she was right now 6 mths pregnant with his child. What???? I was devastated. I felt my world and all the illusions and dreams that I had come crashing down. My first thought was that's it , we're done. I told him that I couldn't be with him knowing that he had a baby on the way by another woman. He begged me to stay. He cried and told me that it was over between them and that he wanted no part of her. I didn't know what to do. Here I was 2 mths pregnant too. What about me and my baby? What was I going to do?? So I did the stupid thing and forgave him.

I know I should've just walked away. I know that he was not the man I thought he was. But I now had a baby to think of, and I didn't want to be born without the  dad and I being together.

Things went on. He was still treating me good. He was supporting me. He was even saving money for us to get our own place. I met his family. His mother was very upset when she found out that we were going to have a baby. She asked me if I knew about the other girl and I told her yes. She told me that she was the one who convinced( B) to tell me about her. She said Ohh welll he is going to have to deal with taking care of 2 kids.

So life went on. Life was good except for the morning sickness. It was terrible. I dont know why but I started pushing him away for some reason. He stinked to me and I didn't want to kiss him or anything(He didn't stink to other people just me)I was scared to have sex because I thought it would hurt the baby. He was upset about this because we were very sexually active before I became pregnant. I didn't care about his feelings. I just cared about my baby and myself. I admit I was selfish. Things started to go downhill from there. He said he needed intimacy. One day I found out that he was seeing his other baby's mother. I was very upset. He told me it was nothing. In November she had her baby. It was a girl. I was jealous because he looked happy when his mother called my house to tell him. That day we got into a huge argument. He told me that I couldn't come between him and his daughter. I wasn't even trying to come between them. I just didn't trust him with the babys mother.

We found out that we were having a boy. Both of us were very happy and excited. We started thinking of names. On New Year's day we got into another huge argument because he wanted to go home to have sex and I wanted to stay at my grandmothers house over night because it was dangerous to go outside because they were shooting. He got mad and walked out and left me all alone. I brought in that New Years by myself. At about 1:00 am he walked into my grandmothers house all sorry. He said that he missed me and wanted to be with me. he apologized over and over. That's when I noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. I would later find out that while I was sitting there bringing in the New Year alone he was at his Baby's mothers house with her. I found this out because I found her number and I called her. Once again I was devastated, but once again I fell for his stupid lies. Time passed.... I noticed that he was changing. No longer excited to see me. I was already going into my 6th month. I was starting to feel way better. The morning sickness was going away. I now wanted to be with him all the time. I felt that he didn't feel the same way. Finally one day I asked him if there was something going on. I felt in my heart that there was something he was not telling me. I told him to be honest with me. I was hoping that I was wrong. But my feelings were right. He told me that he was seeing another woman for the past 2 weeks and that he wanted to be with her. He said that she gave him the attention he needed. He said that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he was tired of me pushing him away. I started to cry and I begged him not to leave me . I told him that I would change, that it wasn't my fault that I was feeling so sick. I told him I loved him and that I didn't want our baby to be without a father. It went on deaf ears. He said he didn't care. He said it was over and that was that. I couldn't believe that he could throw away our relationship for a person that he just met 2 weeks ago. But no matter what I said he wasn't hearing it. So that's how I became a single mother at the age of 17.

 

Things went downhill fast. He became a total asshole. He became someone I didn't know and that I didn't want to know. He didn't want to have nothing to do with me or my baby. He said that my baby was a mistake and that he only got with me because he was on rebound from his last girlfriend. He told me that he didn't love my baby and didn't care what happened to it. These words stung like you wouldn't believe. I loved that baby in my belly more than I loved myself and to hear him say things like that it tore me apart.

The rest of the months went by slowly. I was depressed and I blamed myself for pushing him away. I still begged him to come back to me but he never did. Finally in April I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. I fell in love instantly. Now I knew what love really was. He was there in the delivery room but the whole time I was in labor he was in and out of the room calling his stupid girlfriend. I hated him now with all my soul. The baby was born, he seen him come out of me. I thought that he would change seeing this. He cried in the delivery room but as soon as the baby was born he left to go with her.

I didn't care anymore . I had someone else that I had to care about now. His family came to see me and his mother told me that she had gotten into a huge argument with him. She it was because she told him now that the baby was born if he was going to change and take care of his responsibilties. He told her that she couldn't force him to be with me . Basically he didn't care about me or the baby.

 

To be continued... I have to go cook and help with homework...