When do we ever get to belong?????

Here I sit with the only bad headache but I feel like have to make an entry. How come it is when you think things are finally going to get better , Something else gets thrown in the mix??

 

Do any of you have any of these bad memories? Do any of you remember back in the day when you were in school and there were a whole bunch of cliques and you felt like you were never apart of any of them. There was the Cool clique , The Goth clique, The Nerdy Clique, and The Tough clique. Did you ever feel like if you didn't belong in any of them. There wasn't a place for you.... You felt left out? I did and I also remember how bad I felt. I hated lunch or study period because of this. I would walk into the cafeteria filled with dread because I knew that I didn't know where I was going to sit. I would usually end up sitting alone until it was time to go. After awhile I met some other girls who just didn't belong either, which didn't make it any better lol. I was just too quiet and shy. I didn't know how to make friends lol..It's sad isn't it ?? Well the point of this little story is that I felt like that all over again today.

 

Why???? Well for the past couple of months I have been in this graphics group. After awhile of convincing myself to contact the owner of the group I finally did. So I was finally in a group and it was nice. There are a bunch a nice ladies that I have met in this group. I would look forward to opening my emails because of all the great sends and beautiful tags. I even pushed myself to volunteer to be in charge of sending out the Daily Joke and the Daily Horoscopes. It was fun. I had an issue because for some reason my email does not accept strangers. I tried everything that I could to fix it. I changed my spam filter to low and I changed my email settings to allow all. Even with all this it still would not work.(I guess its a glitch with aol.) So I finally figured out that the only way to make it work is if I added them to my Buddy list. So I asked whoever had a problem with sending me stuff if they could instant message me and I could add them on. It was working out great. Until today that is. I got an email from the owner of the group letting me know that there were new members who were added today that who were not able to send me anything. She asked if I could maybe call Aol and try fixing the problem with them. She also let me know that this was a big problem being the fact that were a lot of people joining each day. I wrote back that I was sorry for the inconvenience , but that I couldn't contact aol because I was now on Aol free service and they no longer offer technical support. I know this because a couple of days ago I called them for another issue and they let me know they could not help me because I wasn't paying for their service(Thanks Aol). I explained to her that they way it has been working was that usually the person having trouble would send me an Instant Message and I would automatically add them and everything would work. I said I had no other option and if this wasn't the way it could be done I would have no choice but to withdraw from the group even though I didn't  want this to happen. Well she wrote back and told me due to the fact that she was getting so many new members each day that she would have to remove me from the group tomorrow. Now I know I had offered to withdraw but I did not expect that I would just be removed so quickly. I thought that maybe since it was something beyond my control that we could have worked something out. Bottom line is I got kicked out lol..... It's funny and sad at the same time. It's not that big of a deal but I know I am going to feel lonely when I sign on and I only have one mail as opposed to at times having over 70. I am not upset at the owner, Its her group and she has to do what she has to do. Ohhh now I have to search for my own graphics :)))) I was getting spoiled by having so many great ones being sent to me ;)

 

On a different note... today was a terrible day.... I hate not having any money. I had practically nothing in this house to feed these kids...(Ok I'm exaggerating) I had stuff but stuff they dont like to eat. Like I have Rice, Beans, Veggies, A pack of chicken, A pack of steak, and a bunch of canned food and boxed food( Oatmeal, easy mac, Hamburger Helper single packs etc)..... They dont want this ... They want things I dont have!! Kids...... Can we trade??? It seems like when I am out of stuff my kids turn into hungry hungry  hippos! So I gave them Oatmeal for breakfast, I gave them each a Hamburger Helper single pack for lunch. Can you believe an hr after each of these meals they are hungry!!!! Goodness..What can I give them now?? I have no snacks, and I have no juice! So I told them they could have all the water they wanted(hey water is good for you:). Usually I will have lil stuff for them to snack on in between. Well no money to get the stuff. I dont have eggs, milk, or bread either... So for tomorrow's breakfast I have no idea what I am going to give them. Ohhh wait I have still have a box of breakfast bars...Phew!! This shit definitely sucks! I dont like to be like this. I like to feed them when they are hungry. I dont get my stamps till March 2nd...(Come faster pleaseeee lol) and Ben's next pay check has to go directly to my dumb landlady. Soooo I guess I will have to borrow at least 20.00 bucks from my mom. I hate to borrow money from her. She'll call me everyday asking when she is going to get her money back...No lie. By the way I did make dinner.... Remember all that chicken that I fried yesterday for my neighbor's baby shower?? Well I forgot to mention yesterday that upon my leaving she gave most of it back to me!! She said that she had forgotten to give it out. She said I could take it and use it for dinner today. Ummmm Ok so I stood in front of a hot stove for more than an hour only for no one to eat the chicken..(ohhhh welll) Soooo today I just put the chicken in the oven, I added some Honey Mustard Barbecue sauce on top. They came out great! So I guess the chicken was not wasted after all... I made this with corkscrew pasta with butter and pepper and Broccoli Stiir Fry Veggies... Good meal and finally the brats were full. Thank Goodness!:))))

 

What was so cute though is that my middle son who just came back from his grandmother's house, hears me saying to myself how much I wish I had money to go to the store. He tells me"Grandma gave me 5.00 dollars, I'll give it to you and you can go to the store. Awwwww My baby boy! I told "No you can keep your money, that's not enough to buy enough food for the house. You can go buy something for you and your brother and sister tomorrow. Thank you". I love them so much..It sweet to know that they are willing to give up their money to buy stuff for the house:).... At least I still have food in my cabinets to feed my children, Some people do not have that...Thank God for this, I might be able to feed them 6 times a day lol but they will go to bed full.(it may not be their favorite food but ohhh welll)

 

I rearranged my bedroom the other day , but now I think I am going to have to change it again. For some reason the bed like this makes me feel like I dont want to go to bed. I feel depressed. Am I weird?? I am feeling so down about tomorrow with my kiddies having to go back to school. I mean when they are there I am at ease cause I get more done and I am able to catch my breath. But after weekends or long periods of time off I get all depressed when they have to go back. I start thinking about having to worry about clean uniforms, waking them up early , making sure they get there on time. Not only that I start to worry about if they are really safe at school. I am not there to see what goes on. This bothers me because I know there are mean teachers and students in their school. I wonder if they are going through any emotional abuse at school. It happened to me now I am wondering if it is happening to them....... I am always worrying.... I am tired of worrying but I cant seem to stop. So many things go through my head at one time that its hard for me to even concentrate. I have to do so many things, I have to fix so many things, and I want so many things to change. This is all stressing me the heck out! I wish I could pause time , this way I dont have to deal with stuff until I'm good and ready.... I am nearing the end of my entry and it seems like I dont want to stop. I dont want to go to bed, because I know when I get there , I will not be able to sleep. All I will do is think and worry. I dont want to go to bed because then that means that today will end and tomorrow will be the same thing..... Am I stupid???

 

Well I guess that's it for tonight.. Your eyes must be burning and your mind getting restless...Sorry my friends....just have a lot of thoughts coming forward..and I am not even done...but there is always tomorrow...Good night and Take Care all..........