Where is me???

                           
                                          So I'm back and I am still not happy. I ranted and raved in my last entry. You would think that I feel better but I feel worse. I am glad that I finally got all that off my chest but it seems like I get rid of stuff only to pile more stuff on. Maybe I am going to be getting my period soon or I am just too dammn depressed. I got my oldest son back. My mother brought him back because she said she has to work. She got me pissed off because she is always trying to be an instigator with my kids. There is one thing that I hate (well I have a lot of things that I hate but this gets on my nerves more) is somebody telling me that I am showing favortism to my daughter. She pits my sons against my daugter and I hate it! We were all sitting here and my son and daughter start bickering over a damm game because thats what they do. My son went into my daughters room and took a game of us and of course my daughter all of a sudden wanted to play that particular game. So my mother jumps in and starts yelling at my daughter about how she wasnt playing with it and now that she sees her brother using it she wants it. Now that may be true,BUT my 2 sons are forver doing this to my daugter. So they need a taste of their own medicine. I told my daughter to relax herself. I wasnt going to take the game away from Dylan but I let him know that his sister had every reason to act the way she was acting. Instead of my mother letting me handle it she buts in again and starts yelling at me that I am playing favoritism, that I spoil my daughter. That Im wrong I shouldnt do that. I finally tell her to stop because my sons actually start to believe this bullshit and then they try to use it on me later. I'm tired of her always doing this shit. She is not here 24 hrs a day to see what is going on. I know how they all act and I know when they are just trying to get on each other's nerves. CANT she just let me handle my kids!!! She must have had it in for my daughter today because everything she did my mother had something to say. I was getting so tired of it and it took everything I had not to see something that I would regret later.It got my blood boiling though...She was also mad because I didnt cook..WTF Can I breathe... Do I have to do something every single day so that people can actually see that I need a break. NOO I am not cooking today and if you dont like it then go home and cook....I told her to calm down and just relax....She finally went home about an hr ago.

                           IIf I had one wish it would be that God take this feeling of despair and envy that I have in my heart. I dont want to be this one. I dont want to dislike people because they have faults. Who am I to judge? I dont want to feel envious of somebody just because they have things easier than I. I dont want to hate on somebody just because its easier for them to pay their bills or buy luxuries and everything we have is because we had to work double for it. I hate it. It eats away at me soo bad but I cant stop, THOU SHALL NOT ENVY....and I swear that I dont want to feel like this. Dont get me wrong,  I am not a selfish person and I would give you my last dollar if you needed it more than I. I always go out of my way to help somebody. BUT I find myself leaning more towards teh underdog than someone who has it all. I dont want to be like that. I dont want to deny one person help because they are better off and then help another person out because they have nothing. Everybody is equal....Right?? Am I wrong for feeling like this??? I think that this is why things never work out for the way Ben and I want .. Why cant I be happy for Jane when she has a 2 family house and just purchased a car but I can be happy for Jan because she just got approved for government housing and was able to buy a used car. (These people do not exist I just wanted to give an example) Instead I would just hate on Jane and say that she can never be satified and BLAHZY BLAH...Am I making sense?

                           
I just feel like crying right now and I really dont have a reason why.... I think about Ben having the day off but then again we have no money to actually go out and do something. Which means that most likely tomorrow I will be in the house again. This makes me sad for some reason. I am feeling down on myself because I am not working right now. I am not contributing financially besides the help I get. We are so behind with bills its not even funny. This topic I really dont like to talk about much because there are people who get thrills when I say that Ben and I are struggling. I am being sued by the gas company because they say I have not payed the bill in the 2 years that I have been here. Well Yea I have not paid the bill because I have not recieved a fucking bill....and stupid me found this weird but jusr brushed it to the side. We still owe the landlady for this month....Even though her and I made an agreement that I would pay her at the ending of each month but so what I still owe her. Rent a Center has been calling off the hook because they want their money. I am dying to send their asses to hell! Its hard as hell but we keep trying and by the grace of God we always manage to get by. We dont have any credit cards to help us either. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up, thuis is all too much to handle. I just want to leave everything behind including the kids and just go far away..... But I love these 4 people more than anything in the world and I just cant leave them. So I just take it day by day. I know to some people we look like everything is ok and we have it all, but they do not know how hard it is to maintain what we have. I thank GOD that my children have what they have ...and that we have a roof over our heads with a few luxuries here and there. None of which has come easy as some may think.                                     My problem is that I have this habit of just brushing everything to the side and worry about it later. When later comes it is too late but to deal with the problem the way it was presented to me. Had I dealt with it from the beginning I would have had time to sort it through"SIGH" Hard habit to break but one that needs to broken ASAP.......... It is hard for me to stop thinking in the way that whatever problem is here today will be here tomorrow and therefore why deal with it now??? To me life is too short to stress about things...BUt is this mentality really getting me where I want to be??? Ben is the total opposite...He takes care of things right there and then.... He feels like without money there wouldnt be a family(which is true) But my thing is why Kill yourself working so many hours , when doing this you have no time for your family.... What happens if God FOrbid one of us wasnt here tomorrow??? Am I wrong for thinking that you have to enjoy life and your family to the fullest because life can be taken away any moment......??? I am not even sure that I am making much sense at this point.... I am one of these stupid moods... This journal is my only outlet(sorry for pouring so much out) I think about going to sleep tonight.....and this makes me feel even worse because I know tomorrow when I wake up it will be a just be a different day but the same shit to do, Hence my title.... There is so much I have to do and there is so much I want to do, Can I get it all done??? I dont even know......
                                     I am not happy with myself and if you cant be happy with yourself , How can you be happy with anyone else??? How do I take myself out of this funk.... I need to find myself and once I do that look deep inside and figure out who I really am....I dont know myself, I am just a person living my life the way I see others live theirs..... I need to BE ME... whoever me is....  I think once I do this I wont be scared of life anymore...I wont procatinate anymore.... And I will learn how make my own decisions without having anyone make them for me.... I am a strong woman , I have been through alot.......I know I have that fight in me. I have that independence in me, the drive in me... But somewhere between there and here I have lost myself....and its hard to find me again...

This was supposed to be an entry about who irritates the hell out of me , instead it became about ME...I'm apologize for all these long entries.... Well my friends the time has come for me to get my ass in the shower...... Hope you ladies have had a good week so far..It's been quiet around here not too many comments..Don't stray on me Girlies.... LOL

Take care all and Goodnight..........