There are days when family is just a burden....

 

Well today I had to write because I need to vent.  Now I know why I just stay away from my family. I let my guard down once again and they got me once again.

Lately things have been quiet between my family and I , But only because I have not really dealt with them. I mean I have seen my mom every once and a while. Mostly though its been her who has come over to my house. A long time ago when my kids were still babies I swore to myself that I would stop going to my mother's house. Why did I do this?? Well because she would always find a way to make me feel like shit. From telling me that I needed to stop coming to her house so often to always yelling at my kids because they were acting like kids! and not sitting on the couch the whole time. Sometimes she would actually throw me out, Like there were times that Ben would work late and I would get so tired of being at home. Around this time I had the anxiety really bad so I didnt want to stay home alone. SO I would just go over there because I felt safe. Well anyway arounfd 7:00pm she would tell me that I needed to leave because it was late and she and my sisters had to wake up early the next morning. I guess my children and I were a nuisance to her.

So eventually my pride finally kicked and anxiety or not I was not going to have my children or myself subjected to insults. Thats when I made up my mind that even if she begged me I would not being going on over there unless it was a holiday. Well I have somewhat kept up my promise to myself. I have gone over there about 10 times since I made this promise and that was about 4 yrs ago. Of course she has complained about the fact that she always has to visit us. She is playing the memory loss game, she says she does not remember treating me or my kids like this. Well I do and I will never forget.

Anyway on to my brother. Ever since he has gotten married he thinks his shit doesnt stink and that he is better than everyone else. He feels that just because he has a house and 2 cars that he is by far better than me. He doesnt even visit because according to him I live in a "black"neighborhood and he doesnt feel safe. He says that he lives in a"white neighborhood and it way better than mine. He acts like that doesnt hurt me . Excuse me for not being able to afford to get a house right now. Yes I do live in predominantly Hatian/Jamicain/Trinidadian neighborhood but by all means to me it is not that bad. The people around here are all very friendly and respectful. I am Hispanic and before I moved here I lived in a predominantly hispanic neighborhood and let me tell you it was worse than here. ( To my family it was better) There was always a fight between stupid females fighting over a man or disrespectful kids whose parents were too busy in the clubs to raise them right. I feel way more comfortable here. I live in a 4 family house.. I have a back and front yard. I am ok here beside the fact that is a small apt. Anyway so he doesnt want to visit so you know what screw him.

I get so tired of people telling us that they dont like the neigborhood because only black people live here. Even my sister in law(Steph) says the same thing. She says that I should move to Bensonhurst because there is less blacks over there.It is like they are scared of black people or something. I told her that just because she lives where there are alot of white and Chinese people does not mean that there is no crime there.In fact I betcha there is more crime there than here because everyone thinks that they are so safe.  Its a damm shame the way some people are ignorant even my family. Every race has bead people who do bad things. I will not lie ... I am not going to sit here and say that I am perfect. I think that a lot of African American teenagers nowadays do give their race a bad name. I too think that if I could afford something better I would move there. BUT I do not judge anyone before I know them. When I moved here Ben and I both realized that we would be the minority here and you know what we didnt care and like I said this neighborhood is way better than my old. So forget all of you who have something negative to say about where I live and keep your dumb comments to yourselves because I do not want to hear it anymore. If you think I shouldnt live here then give me the money that I need to move!

Which brings me to the current issue. As you guys may all know my kids are off from school this week.For a very long time my oldest has been begging my mother to go stay at her house. Every weekend she turns him down for some reason or another. I told him to stop asking because I felt bad for him every time she told him no. Who likes getting rejected all the dam time. Everything now is about my brothers baby. I love my niece to pieces, dont get me wrong. But my brother has always been my moms favorite and it is now the same with the grandkids. She is always babysitting for them but meanwhile when I ask her to babysit which is rare she has some shit to talk about and says no..... Welll let me stop rambling and get to the point.

So on Tuesday she calls me up. She says for me to get my son ready that she wants to take him with her to my brother's house.(Yes she was babysitting again)So at first I was hesitant but knowing how much my son has been wanting to go I said Ok... Big mistake! Since the first day she has done nothing but complain about my child. First day the problem was that he was following her every where. I said "well you should be happy he is doing that because he loves you. She was like "Well I dont need him up my ass all the time...Next day was that he was making too much noise and that he was waking up the baby. UMMM all he was doing was playing the video game with another little boy and they were just laughing and having fun. Next day which is today I called to find out how my child was doing. My brother picks up the phone with an attitude. He says "What do yyoou want?" I said I am calling for my son. He replies"Why?? You acting like you care about him. I am like what the hell are you talking about of course I care about my son. I told him look who is talking ...He wont even let my niece stay over here with us and while my mother has been watching her he and his wife have called each over 5 times!! to find out how their child was. He starts talking shit.. most of it I just ignored because it was exactly that SHIT! Finally I say Listen just put my son on the phone. Now I am upset because I have no idea why he is acting this way with me . I have done nothing to these people. He must be in a bad mood and taking it out on me. So instead of giving the phone to my son he gives it to my mother who also must be in a bad mood because first thing she does is start talking shit. She tells me that they are coming home today but that my brother can not bring my son home to me because he has things he has to do. She is like that I am going to have to pick him up at her house tomorrow. I told her how does she know I have nothing to do tomorrow,. I told her I wasnt the one who sent him over there but now I have to go and get him. I said all I live is 5 mins from you. you mean to tell me that he cant drop my son off ... She was like NO YOU HAVE TO COME GET HIM HE IS YOUR SON.YOU JUST WANT EVERYTHING YOUR WAY! I was like what the hell is your problem ?? I said Look whatever just put my son on the phone. I spoke to my son for a few mins and then I hanged up. Now I am sitting here pissed off because of my idiotic family. I should have just stayed away. I am way better off. I always let them get to me , no matter how many times I say I wont. Tomorrow I will just go and get my child and once again distance myself from them. I dont have the time nor the energy for drama.

My landlady is another one. She has been in Israel the last 3 weeks. She got home yesterday and the first thing she freaking does is call me and leave me srupid messages about how I need to call her back because its important. What the hell can possibly be so important to her that involves me. Its not like I am her family or something like that. She acts like I am the owner of the building or something. Or maybe she just wants to harrass me for the rent. Meanwhile I have busting my ass cleaning her buildings and not only that posting and anwering calls for her empty apts which I also have to show for her! My phone has been ringing nonstop for the past week. Do you know how annoying that is??? I have been having to try and persuade a lady with 5 kids that the apt is waaaaaaaaay too small for them. SHe refused to believe me . Finally I told her LOOK lady I have 3 kids and we can barely fit here , so I know for a fact that you can not fit in there. So finally she said OK. Geezzz how can you possibly fit 5 children and 2 adults in a 2 bedroom?????

My babysitting job has not gotten any easier. It has been  3 weeks now and the baby still cries every time they drop him off!! Not only that but the other day the grandmother comes to my house insisting tthat she wants to take the baby out. But I am not going to get into all that right now because this entry is long already. Let me just say that I was in the middle of a huge family drama. Not a very good place to be in! I will elaborate on that tomorrow. Sure is an interesting story though!:)

Right now I am not ina very good mood. I am so aggravated that Ben's money is still not here and our bills are just piling up! I am aggravated that once again Ben fails to let me know before he went to work that his brother was supposed to come over and get the money for the credit card bill that we owe(for the xmas gifts) His brother would just show up and say "give me my money and I Have no idea what in the hell he is talking about! This happened before and I specifically told Ben that I didnt appreciate that! I found out today that he was coming because my sis in law(Steph) called looking for her hubby. I was like I havent seen him.  Well apparently he was supposed to come and get the money. "SIGH" If only Life was easy huh??

I have no idea what I will be doing for Easter. I have heard many times that people have forgotten what Easter is all about. Nowadays its about everyone buying new clothes and going out. It is about the Easter bunny and Easter eggs, But really is this what Easter really is or is it about the day Jesus  was resurrected. I think most of us have forgotten about this. Same way we have all forgotten that Christmas is not about giving gifts and Santa Claus ..it is about celebrating the birth of Christ. So I dont think I will do anything this Easter. I think if I can talk my family into going to church then we will do that. At least we can dedicate one day of our lives to Jesus. We'll see... Sometimes I feel like I am just one big hyprocrite when it comes to church and all. I hate to feel like this. I remember at one time every Sunday I made it a point to go to Sunday Mass, now its like I cant be bothered and that is a damm shame. Had it not been for the the Lord I would not have been blessed with all that I have now!

I am so angry and upset at alot of people now. I have so many things bottled up inside because  I do not want to hurt anyones feelings. Half of these things I can no longer feel free to write about in my journal because who knows now how many of my family and friends know about my journal. I have recently discovered that another one of my family members has found my journal...Its not that I want to talk about them its just that there are somethings that happen in your life that you dont want even your closest friends to know. Since I started this journal I have written freely. Now I feel so inhibited. Should I go private?? Nah I dont think I will for the fact that when I started this journal I meant for people all over the world to have access to it. I wanted to hear different peoples opinions and advice.  I liked the fact that a person could just one day stumble upon my journal and read it and say" Wow I can relate to what this lady is going through. Like I myself have done many times with other peoples journals. So I will not take that away from myself.

Well I have went on and on. I will end here..... Dont worry with the way I am feeling I will be back soon. Thanks to those who could keep their eyes open long enough to read this entry LOL

OOOOOO by the way right now that I am fnishing my entry my mother calls and says Open the door for your son...SO they brought him home today after all! I guess they wanted to aggravate my life today!  Well this is my life anyone want to trade??

Goodnight all and take care of yourselves! 

I am a slacker, But I have an excuse I'm sick!!

                        

Hello my friends ..I know I have been promising an entry and each time I hav broken my promise. I apologize for breaking it, this is not the way that I am but I havent been feeling well for awhile.

I have this damm headache that wont seem to go away. It bothers me a lot. I think maybe I need glasses or something. I have to go get a full physical.

This weekend was pretty relaxing. My friend invited me and my children to spend the weekend over at her house.. She came and picked us up on Saturday. It was soo relaxng! Se lives in Long Island ..It is soo quiet over there. She has a big house with a big backyard. You know what that means right ?? Enough space for the kids to be out of my hair LOL..They had a great time. We took them out for dinner at Chili's restauarant. It was the first time my brats ate all of their food. Usually they just pick but I was amazed that they all ate what they ordered. It wasn't even that expensive. For 7 people the bill only came out to 70.00$. I wanted to beat my friends behind because when it came time to pay she wouldnt let me pay at all!! She said consider it a late xmas present. I felt so bad because I know that things are tight since they just bought the house about a yr ago. No matter what I said though she wouldnt take my money. I told her fine, next time dinner is on me.!

After that we went home and started to watch Happy Feet. That movie is soo cute. We also seen the movie The Pursuit of Happiness, with Will Smith and is real son. It was very good. I was just disapointed because I wanted to see more of the ending like what he did when he finally got the job he always wanted.

I am so aggravated and frustrated right now... LOL do the two words mean the same thing?? Anyway today I had to make a trip downtown to go to the Keyspan main office. Keyspan is the company that supplies us with gas. Anyway the other day I recieve a notice saying that the City Marshall is going to come on Tuesday April 3rd to reposses the meter. I am like WTF?? Come t find out that the bill hasnt been paid for going on 2 yrs... Since I moved in here. Why you ask. Well I applied for this program that pays the gas bill for you. I was approved and they were paying it for me at my old apartment. So naturally when I moved here I switched everything to this apartment. I thought everything was fine. UNTIL NOW....Keyspan has not received one payment in all this time. The bill is now 475.00$. I called up Keyspan and explained my situation. They told me that they couldnt do anything for me since it was now in the marshalls hands. They gave me the number to the Marshall. I called ... He asked me how much money I had. I said Well nothing..He said nothing?? Well you need to at least pay 15% by Monday.(It was Friday) I was like..Damm Well I am going to try and do that. He was like Well the Marshall is going to come rain or shine Tuesday if you dont pay.

So here we are on Monday. I went to the office. It was a freaking nightmare. I had the biggest headache, I also had to bring the 3 brats with me. They thought it was playtime .. I had to dicipline them right there. I had to wait on 3 seperate lines to eventually end up paying at the first line I waited on. I had to pay 71.29$. Lucky thing I had some money saved in the bank. Now I am back to being broke. Benji's Income Tax check still has not come yet. We are at the ending of March. I now owe March's rent plus now April's. All because we are waiting on this damm check. I am about to lose my mind if it doesnt come soon. The good thing is that my landlady is in Israel so she hasnt been hassling me about the rent. She comes back next week and I am sure if I dont have it by then she will put the pressure on.

I have finally spoken with mother in law. Not because I wanted to but because she came by the other day. I opened the door and I called out to Ben that his mom was here. She said "Well I am not here to see Ben , I am here to see you. So she sat there and started talking about her job, and everything else besides the issue between us. I just nodded and put on a fake smile. Finally she must have felt uncomfortable. She got up and said she had some magazines for us in her house. So she went down and got them. She came back up and proceeded to talk to me. I brought up the topic about the garbage and she was like Yea you know I havent been recycling and I said Yea I know. Deep down inside what I really wanted to do was cuss her out. She stood here all of 15 mins and then left ..without even apologizing. I told Ben that is why I didnt even want to see her because I knew that if I wasnt in a bad mood when she came that I wouldnt say anything to her and then she would act like nothing ever happened. Which is exactly what ended up happening. Now she got away with acting like a B&^$#. What a life huh?

I am still dealing with the bullshit that my neighbors are dishing out, but you know what now I am treating them exactly the way they act with me. I think one of my neighbors was upset that I didnt get her daughter a birthday gift. Her daughters birthday was last week. She had told me about it  and in fact the day before the birthday she had come down to my house very early in the morning to tell me that they had the Nintendo DS games on sale at Target. She wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. I told her that I couldnt because I had the kids and I wasnt feeling well. So she was like Ok. I think she wanted me to go with her so that I could pick up a game for the lil girl. Anyway the next day the lil girl rang my bell and I told her Happy Birthday. My intentions were to go and get her something, but with the way things are so tight I couldnt come up with extra money. I felt bad but there was nothing that I could do. Anyway that same night the mother had an attitude with me. I was outside doing the garbage and she came out and did not say one word to me. She looked around then went back in and closed the door. I was like WTF. This got me upset because why was she acting like this?? So of course I was hurt but I didnt say a word. Ever since that day she has been acting like this. So now I am doing the same. Its funnny how some people can just up and change just like that. Its not that I dont want to give her anything its just that right now I can not afford it. She knows how things are with us. Ohhh well I guess you can never know who your real friends are. My problem is that I want to befriend everyone. Who knows if they really wanted to be my friend. Boy I am reading this while I write and it sounds like first grade all over again LOL...

The Kiddies are fine..They have about a week and half off for Easter vacation and Spring Break. OMG I know they are going to drive me nutso. The baby is also going to be here at 7am tomorrow. So that means 4 brats to look after hehehehehe. I dont even know what we are going to do for Easter Sunday. Back where we used to live I used to take the kids to church but over here I havent found a Catholic church yet.  

Another thing that has me stressed out is that my middle son's father has not seen or given him anything in over 2 mths. He keeps on saying that he is going to come and pick him up and drop off money and he never shows. I am so sick of dealing with this crap. I just want to tell him to F^$& off but of course I cant do that because my son wants to be around his Dad. I never ask this man for anything. You would think that now that he has gotten his Income Tax he would come and drop him off something. I dont care if he doesnt give me money in my hands. He can go to the stores and buy him the stuff I dont care, but he does neither. What should I become a B%$& and hassle him every day, or worse should I take him to child support. It seems you're damned if you do and you're damned if you dont. 

My son's stepmother has been calling me like crazy. She wants to come pick my son up. She says her daughter wants to see her brother. Its a damm shame that his wife (who he is not even with right now) is calling for his son and he isnt. So I let her come and get him today. A lot of people do not understand the relationship her and I have. They think its crazy that we get along so well. Being that her man cheated on her and conceived a child with me. Well I didnt know that he was with her and when I did find out about her I respected their relationship and left him alone. Never once after that have he and I messed around. I do not have feelings for him other than the fact that he is my childs dad. She knows that she can trust me and I know that I can trust her with my son. She loves him like if he were her own, very rare! I have even babysitted her daughter while she worked. I think you have to be very mature to have this type of understanding. Anyway what I wanted to say was that its a damm shame that this idiot cant appreciate the wife he has and instead is with another female who also has a child from him. WOW some men have no freaking respect for the female population!!!

Anyway this is it for today. A BIG HUG TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!! Just because I havent written in my journal doesnt mean that I havent been reading yours. I have been commenting every now and then. Hope you guys havent forgotten me LOL.... I will be back again....

 Goodnight all and Take Care.....