AHHHH I can't get it.

  Ohhh man this thing is sooo hard to figure out! I did what Donna advised me to do and I googled Psp Tutorials but I couldnt even understand what they were telling me to do. I tried for about 2 hrs. I almost had it figured out but then I got stuck...  I am not going to give up just yet lol....  Can anyone give a step by step in the english language LOL and not in all those technical terms.  I did come up with something but I did not like it ... It didnt look like proffesional like the ones you guys make LOL... What's a girl to do?????

Ok so how do I do this?.. I am lost! in the confusion of PSP...

  So I decided that before I go and buy this very expensive software that I would first see if I can play with it for a lil while. I went to Circuit City. com to see how much it cost and there I noticed that they give you an option to download a free trial. So thats what I did. NOW WHAT LOL.. I tried messing with it but I have no idea what I am doing. I need help! Like where do you guys get blank tubes and after that what do I do with it. So if there is anyone out there who has some easy tutorials that they can help me out with I would really appreciate it. I need a new hobby and after seeing you guy's beautiful work I decided that I would like to try this LOL... And before I make Ben spend money I want to see if it easy enough for me to figure out. PLEASEE HELP :)))))) THANK YOU!

BTW the above picture is the same one that I downloaded.

I FINALLY got APPROVED!!!!

 Hello my friends! I have been lazy. I admit it LOL. Hey I'm only human.

I went to the Dr yesterday. It was a VERRRRRRRRy long wait. It was Ben's day off yesterday so he was able to go with me. Good because otherwise I dont think I would have gone. The only thing with him going with me is that I get even more anxious because I know he hates to wait. He is very impatient when it comes to things like that. HE hates to shop which I LOVE to do. I dont even go shopping with him anymore because the whole time I am trying to keep him happy so he wont rush me.  PSSHH MEN! You cant live with them but you cant live without them.

Anyways when I finally get to see the doctor he starts asking me questions about my health. Now mind you this is one of those City Drs. Every 6 mths or so I have to go to one of their Drs so that they can continue to give me the Foodstamps and Rent assistance.  I already know this doctor does not give 2 shits about me. They want me to go back to work hence the reason that I am sitting there in front of him. So I start to tell him what is wrong and then I find myself actually breaking down in front of this idiot. I have always tried to compose myself at these visits. But it gets me so upset because I know that these people think that I am just trying to use the system. So I turn around and tell him "Listen I WANT to work! I HAVE worked before. I HAVE been to College. I HAVE goals. I AM NOT lazy. ALL I want is to feel normal again so that I can go on with my life and do the things that I so desperately want to do. I tell him that it tears me up inside that I can not even take my kids to the park or to the museums because I am not myself. Finally I see emotion on this mans face. He is all sympathetic now. He tells me I believe you. So he looks at my EKG and he says "Well it shows here that you have what is called Right Brundle Branch Block and he goes on and on trying to explain what this is. DUH! I know what this is. I have heard it all before. What I want to know is why all of a sudden I have this and why can't it be fixed. What I want to know is could this be the reason why I feel the way I do. NO one ever answers these questions. BUT finally there is light. HE saidthat this can be corrected with either a surgery or through laser . WOW this is the first time a DR has mentioned this. WHY have I never been told about this. SO you know I tell him that this is great maybe after it is corrected I will feel myself. He tells me that this IS not life threatining. OK I may not die tomorrow but that doesnt mean that I dont feel like I am going to die. BUT after all he is ONLY a city DR so of course he is not going to be the doctor to look into it for me. So now how do I go about it if my private DR never even mentioned this treatment before. So now he gave me another appt to see a city Cardiologist and a city Pysch. OHH great! Now lets see what they say. OHH one stupid question this Dr asked was "Is this affecting your life?" WTF do you think?? GEEEZZZZZZ.

I went to Staples yesterday with my mom and a friend of ours. They have folders, erasers, rulers, pencils for 0.05$ and 0.10$. Isnt that great! BUMMER was that there was a limit per customer. SO you know I will be back there before the sale ends. They also have black and white compostition notebooks 2 for 0.78$. Not bad at all.

I ended up getting into an argument with my mom yesterday, OUTSIDE of all places. I hate when I am discplining my kids and she has to contradict me in front of them. When she does this my kids figure "Well grandma is defending me so I dont have to listen to mommy". It started because my "Friends" son asked my oldest if he could borrow a playstation game. My son is just standing there ignoring him. SO after hearing M beg over and over again, I finally ask whats going on. Bottom line was my son didnt want to lend him the game. SO I tell him to lend it to him for an hr or 2 because my other son was down playing with M. My oldest son starts getting a tantrum about how he didnt want to lend it. SO I tell him its not what he says since I am the one who buys these things. You must know that I have been dealing for awhile with my son being very selfish. I am trying to get him out of this because I feel that he is too old for this kind of behavior not only that but being like this is not going to earn him many friends. He is the type of kid that it always has to be about him, everything for him. Its soo bad that earlier in the week he made a comment which was" I dont want Jonathan to come home because then I am going to have to share the playstaion with him".  He was talking about my other son who had been at his fathers house for a week and half already. Now what kind of crap is that not wanting your own brother to come home!

Anyway so then my mother puts her 2 cents into saying Well if he doesnt want to lend it to him , why are you forcing him?? I bought him that game and you are forcing him to lend it out. Your friends dont do shit for you but then you want to be up their ass. She said more stupid crap but I dont want this story drag on. AND YES she said all this in front of my child in front of my house!

So I basically told her that "He is my son and whatever I say goes! I said I didnt care if she bought the damm game but it is my HOUSE! and If I wanted to I would break the dammm game and thats it. I told her that I am NOT going to allow my son to grow up selfish so that when he is 15, 16 yrs old he is going to be a spoiled brat that no one cant stand to be around. I told her that I am sick of her contradicting me in front of them because they take advantage of that and wont listen to me when I tell them somthing because then they say "Well Grandma said we dont have to".

We went back and forth for about 20 mins. I was not going to let her have the last word. I punished my son AND I lent the game to M. I told my son until he learned how to share and stop trying to make me look like a fool he would be grounded. My mother finally shut up because I let her know that I PAY me own rent and bills and I gave BIRTH to these kids! Eventually my son came and apologized to me.  My mom sometimes gets me sooo frustrated! She thinks she can still run my life. For some reason she wants to make me look bad in front of my children. I dont care what she says or does but I am going to raise my kids the way that I want! Anyway thats all about this for today.

Guess what?! I applied for a Capital One credit and I............ GOT APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! I jumped up and down and screamed WOOO HOOO when I seen that they had approved me. I have been applying for credit cards for yrs now. ALL of them kept on denying me because of insufficient credit history. I would get soo pissed. How the hell was I supposed to estabish credit if no one wanted to give me credit! But yesterday I guess luck was on my side and they said YESS!! I can not wait. NOO I am not going to go crazy and get myself into debt but everyone needs at least one for emergency purposes.

Well I have rambled on and on and on ...... today LOL.. I will end this entry for now ;)... Hope you all had a great day. I am about to go start cooking. I am making breaded chicken breast with some rice and veggies. MMMMMMMMM

Take care until next time

Post cards from the edge, SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

Postcards from the Edge : I got this idea from Becky. Mumma4evr'slifeorlackthereof   So lets get together and do the postcard thing again!  Everyone who wants to participate, send me your snail mail and I will reciprocate with my own!  Repost this in your journals if you like!  We surely dont all have the same readers...lol...Some of the new journals I read have come from reading comments in your own journals...If you click the name of the person who commented?  It brings up a link to their journal if they have one.. :) I seen this over at Becky's journal. It sounds like so much fun. I think it will be very interesting to see postcards from where we live. So if any of you are interested let me know... And go on over to Becky's journal too and let her know... I can't wait to start looking for postcards LOL... I'm like a lil girl with a pen pal all over again :P

Just another Sunday

Before I start off my entry tonight I would like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my pictures and my entry before that... I just want to say that I am not going to let anyone try to change me from the way that I am with my family.. Ohhh yea I got a comment saying that maybe  should allow her to talk about herself, LOL thats all she does is talk and talk and talk. I am 90 percent of the time The lstener, but that is ok with me because I like to listen as opposed to talking anyway. I appreciate everyones comments!!! They all made me feel better.

Well today was a lazy Sunday for us.. I got up, came on the computer for a lil while and then I showered. I went outside to the porch. My FRIEND was outside. SO we sat and I listened while she talked about her night at the baby shower. Then I listened to her talking about how many times she and her SO 'Did it" .... a little too much information there.. I kept her son overnight yesterday so that she could go to the babyshower and then have privacy with her man. Her man has been staying over by her house since Thursday while his girlfriend is on vacation. The honeymoon will end tomorrow being that the girlfriend is coming home. I tend to not judge any one's situation but for the life of me I can not comprehend WHY a woman would want to be a man's "woman on the side". She tells me that he tells her he is going to leave his girlfriend soon.... Umm if you haven't left her yet then odds are you arent leaving anytime soon. I wish my friend would see that. She just says that they are soul mates and she is willing to wait for him. "SIGH"..OHH WELL...

Today I have feeling lightheaded which in turn makes me nervous. I took the kids to the park and I felt like I was going to catch a panic attack. Then I got frustrated because its a shame that I can not spend the day at the park without feeling like this. Then frustration leads to me panicking again because I soo want to feel normal. Eventually we came back home and I let them ride their scooters out in the front of the house. I WANT to do so many things with them and I CANT.. UGHHH I can NOT stand this!

I didnt feel like cookingso when Ben came home we took a walk to MCDonalds. Even on the walk there I felt like crap. I tried to just keep on talking like everything was normal. I dont want him to see me lose control. I feel he deserves someone who doesnt have this issue. I got me a crispy chicken caesers's salad. I have been dying for one of those. I also got me a fruit and walnut salad for dessert. They were both good. My doctor says I need to lose about 35 pds to be at the weight that is healthy for my height. Let's see if I can eat the right foods.

I was thinking today that if something should happen to me and I am no longer here, Would I want Ben to remarry or be with another woman. At first I thought of course not. Then I started to think that Yes I would want for him to find a woman who is good for him and who could help him raise our children. I just pray that he will be able to find a woman who would love him unconditionally and appreciate him the way he deserves, also a woman who would love our children unconditionally and who would have no problem loving and caring for them the way they need.

Well my sis in law still hasnt called me. For someone who said she wasnt upset with me. Ohh well I am not going to stress over it. Like I told her whenever she feels like talking to give me a call. I have not called her because I feel like everything was fine and dandy before I told her I couldnt babysit. We were calling each other like 2 or 3 times a day. SO obviously she has an issue that is bothering her and she should be honest about it. Why should I call her and try to force the way she feels out of her. I miss talking to her but oohh well .... There comes a day when you have to grow up and stop playing these middle school games.

I was reading one of the those celebrity gossip columns. They had a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie's daughter Suri and then they had a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina's daughter Shiloh.. They ask the question "Which baby is cuter? over and over again... I must say that I LOVVEEE Brad Pitt he is gorgeous BUT I think that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri is sooooo pretty. I think she is prettier than Lil Shiloh. What do you guys think????

OHH I was meaning to ask "How many of you have a myspace page??" If any of you do leave me your links. I will add my link to another entry tomorrow because I forgot it LOL..Or you can search for me thru this email Myoneandonly2626@aol.com.

Well I guess I am going to end this entry now..even though there is nothing else for me to do. Ben is asleep already and my kiddies are in bed watching television. But alas I have run out things to write about LOL... I guess I'll just search for new journals to read. My list is getting longer and longer lol.. I am just addicted. Ben looks at me reading sometimes and he says What do you get from reading about other people's lives?  I dont have the answer to what I get out of it, all I know is that I enjoy it and it makes me less lonely to know that there are other people put there who can relate to me. I like to read about other peoples drama and joys of life. Thats just me LOL... So What do you guys get out of it??? Let me know :)

GOODNIGHT ALL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

Random pics of my family

Kaitlyn posing for her 7th birthday

Kaitlyn 7th birthday

Jonathan and Kaitlyn 4 his 9th birthday

My sister and Kaitlyn on my son's 9th birthday

My sister and Jonathan on his 9th birthday

My handsome boy on his 9th birthday

Me with my new hair colored

Kaitlyn and I posing for the camera

My handsome son and my mom on his Graduation Day

Dylan in his Cap and Gown

Ben, Dylan and I on my son's special day

Look at my handsome son with his suit on Prom Day

WOW my son is sooo grown and CUTE!

My sis and Dylan on Prom day

My 3 babies

Who am I .... Do I not have an Identity??

 Hi everyone, Hope everybody is enjoying their weekend so far.

As for me .... What can I say this weekend so far has been spent doing everyday, housewife work. I finally got my laundry done yesterday. UGHHH I had so much clothes to wash .. 2 and a half hrs later and 20 dollars spent , I was done. Now the part I hate is putting them away, Because of course you have to organize everyones drawers first. Today was another day to spend cleaning up. I finally mopped my floor!

I was invited to my Aunt's house because she was throwing a lil birthday party for my cousin who just turned 16, but I politely declined the invitation. Its not that I dont like to go over there, its just that they live about an hr away by car and I hate to depend on someone to bring me home. When I feel like leaving , I want to be able to just go without having to wait till someone feels like driving me home.

Anyway today a friend and I were conversating. She was telling me about how she was getting ready to go on vacation soon to Miami. She was also telling me how she was going to a party tonight..... THEN she starts to tell me that I DO NOT know who I am! That my life revolves around my kids and my husband. She says that apart from them I have no life... No Identity of my own. She says that I am miserable. That all I talk about is my kids or my husband.  I am just standing there looking at her and listening to what she has to say. She says that by the time my kids are grown that I am not going to know what to do with myself and that I am going to go crazy. She proceeds to tell me that I don't know who I am or what I want or like.

Ok by this time I have had enough. So I look her in the eye and I tell her " I am not miserable... This is who I am... Without them I would not be happy. What else is there to do ? I asked her. I said What should I be doing ?? Hanging out and getting high or drunk?? Or act like a fool with a bunch of stupid immature females at a club.

She says NO I dont mean that... I mean" You should do things away from your family. You should go away for a weekend all alone.. You should make more friends and meet them for lunch.. I tell her "Well you know I am 29 yrs old already.... I am to the point where I am not and do not want to have to go looking for friends. If by chance I meet someone and we get along then thats fine and dandy. I do not have much luck with friends because most of the time they want something from me or want to use me as a babysitter. Secondly its not like I am not allowed to do things away from my family, I CHOOSE to do things WITH my family, and as for me going away for a weekend Well where the helll am I going to go?? Its not like I am rich and have the money to wake up and say "Well you know what, Today I think I'll make a trip to Paris to shop.

Listen I KNOW I had my children young.... I KNOW that I am still young.... I KNOW that sometimes my children and my husband at times get on my nerves and I wish at that moment I could run away, BUT apart from when they get on my nerves I am happy being around them. There is no greatest thing in the world when my hubby and I have taken the kids out and spent the whole day together just us 5.

So NOW I am thinking IS this how people view me and my life?? Do people think that I have NO LIFE?? AM I portraying to the world that I am miserable??

Could it possibly be true what she is saying??? It makes me start to wonder WHO AM I REALLY apart from being a MOM and a WIFE? WHO is Stephanie?? What kind of personality would I have if I werent a mom?? What kind of lifestyle would I be living right now if I didnt have children so young? WOULD I still be so boring and shy or WOULD I have been outspoken and a party girl. I can NOT imagine myself in the party scene. I can not imagine myself drinking or smoking... Yea I like to go out but it doesnt have to be going to a freaking party or club.. I like to go to the library or the museum. I think even if I didnt have kids or a husband I still wouldnt be that type of person.

Is it true what she said about, When my kids grow up and make lives of their own that I am going to go crazy and start doing things that I think they prevented from doing??

Why do other people think just because I stay at home and I am not always cracking jokes that I am miserable... Let me tell you I am NOT miserable because I HAVE kids.. I am NOT miserable because I am in a commited relationship. The only thing that I am miserable about is the fact that I have this dammmm anxiety disorder that DOES prevent ME from doing many things. Another thing that makes me miserable is when people judge me and look at me like I am wasting my life. I have BEEN to College. I HAVE worked! I have HAD friends....... BUT none of that is as important to me as are my children... I CAN go back to College.. BUT I WANT to stay home and make sure that MY children get the best education possible. I CAN go back to work but I WANT to be home when my children get out of school and help them with their homework . I CAN make new friends BUT on my time and only when I think that person will make a good friend.

AND when my children are all grown up and done with College and have great jobs and are productive adults THEN I will enjoy my life and go to a club and get drunk out of my ass if thats what I want to do... THEN I can go on vacations for a weekend and make friends without caring about the influences they will have on my children. Until then this is WHO I AM and I am not changing it.

I guess she doesnt have problems going out there and partying because her son lives with his father. She told me this is the whole reason she leaves her child with his dad. She said because she wasnt going to give up her identity and her life for a man and a child.. She said she is too young(30 yrs old)... I guess she doesnt have to worry about meeting all these different men and inviting them over that night or the next day. IS that the life I want?? Should I be envious of her.... IN my opinion HELL NO... Should she judge me or my Life.?? HELL NO

DOES IT BOTHER ME that she thinks this way about me... My answer should be HELL NOOO but honestly I can not say that... Did she make me second guess myself and my life? Honestly YES.. WILL I trade my life for hers?? Honestly NO.... I am good with what God has chosen for me... Like I said in a past entry... My life would be perfect right now had it not been for this anxiety crap which is depressing the hell out of me!! LOL..

So how is your lives???? LOL

This is my entry(rant) for today....

GOODNIGHT AND TAKE CARE YOURSELVES!

 

 

Why do we seem to care about what others think about us?

This is a first .... I am finally writing an entry before 12:00 am LOL... Well it's because I have nothing to do at the moment. Wait! Let me correct that I do have stuff to do like LAUNDRY but I do not FEEL like going to the LaundryMat right now. I sooo miss my washing machine... I did not fall asleep until 4:00am. I was online reading journals. I have found some new and interesting journals to read. I wake up this afternoon , (Yea I slept until about 12pm) to a phone call from my landlady letting me know that instead of coming out here today she has decided to come on Saturday. WHOOPIE DOO. Let me tell you. My landlady has found a new pet to harass. I am no longer the one she calls 4 or 5 times a day. My new neighbor whom I mentioned in a previous entry has been bestowed the honor of filling the position.  I swear some people are downright grimy! I found out through the grapevine that my dear old landlady is paying this person 10 times more than what she payed me to rent out her apts. WHY?? BEcause this person would not settle for anything less. Meanwhile when I asked for a lil extra money she bitched and whined about how I was wrong for asking after everything she has done for us... Yea ok... My landlady has the nerve to tell me "So and SO is a go getter ..with a mind on her shoulders... You should want to be her friend. WTF! What is she implying with that , that I am a lazy stupid person with no goals in sight? Well let me say this... I am blessed with the fact that I have a man who is willing to bust his ass working SO that I can stay home and raise my children. I have been to College! I have worked before.. BUT I choose now to stay at home and make sure that my children have somebody to help them with their homework and see to it that they are raised the right way. My neighbor on the other hand does not even have her son all yr besides the summer. The child lives with his dad all the way in Michigan. SO she has time to cater to the landlays every beck and call.

Anyways... LOL can you tell that this topic annoys the hell out of me??

You know what else annoys the hell out of me ??? When people get upset at you and dont have the nerve to be upfront and let you know how they feel.

Let me start from the beginning. I don't know if you guys remember my sis in law who at one time had started a journal too. Well eventually she had to stop because her husband got into and read everything and flipped out on her for spreading his business around.... ANYWAYS... He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Well the daughter is 8 yrs old now and her mother decided to send her to their house for summer vacation.(they live in Florida) BTW this lil girl is also Ben's and I goddaughter. Now mind you, before the lil girl came my sis in law was all excited, talking about how she couldnt wait till she got here. I warned her that the lil girl could be a handful a times. I know from experience. Ok So the child is out here..... Not 2 weeks after the child is here, did shit start to hit the fan. I received many phone calls about how the child is very disrespectful and blah blah blah. I hate to say I told you so. Now the only time everything was all good was when the child made it easier for my sis in law to go out. Being that she has to very small children who are exactly 1 yr apart makes it very difficult for her to go out anywhere without her husband. That changed when the lil girl got here. Now the part where I come in, is when one day the lil girl really wanted to spend some time at my house. Well my sis in law comes out and say "Well you know she cant stay because she has to help me get home, and besides she cant stay anywhere without asking he father permission. Now first of all I was telling the lil girl all along that she couldnt stay because she needed to help with the babies on the way back home BUT since when do I need to call the father for permission? He does not mind at all that I stay with her in fact it would make he even happier if she were with me. After all I am her Godmother.. Anyway that pissed me off because I knew it had nothing to do with the father it was just that she knew without her she would be stuck at home again. Fast foward to a couple of weeks later... I get a phone call from him asking if I could stay with the lil girl so that my sis in law could get a break..... At first I didnt want to do it but I said what the hell. SO I stood with her... I guess he didnt tell my sis in law that she was going to stay because all I know is that she was upset and she didnt pack any clothes for her or anything.. The entire time she was with me (I think 4 days ) she wanted toknow when she was going back home. Finally I sent the lil girl back home and I said that from now on let them deal with her..... What gets me mad is that a couple of times after this happened my sis in law would call me to ask me if I could stay with her because she was being really bad and disrespectful and she couldnt take it anymore. How come when I wanted to stay with her it was a problem but when she is driving you crazy then you want to call me. So I would say no.... Of course to them I was messed up for saying no....

Now it's nothing but complaints about the lil girl and my sis in law is dying for her to go home. It even got so bad between them that the lil girl actually hit my sis in law and they got into a lil fight. I told my sis in law that it was time for them to send her home. Because supposedly her husband did not do anything about the situation but fight with her. All she kept on saying was that We cant afford the ticket for her to go back. UMMM they do have a bunch of credit cards and if you can go out and spend money on other stuff then you can make a sacrifice and pay this ticket and send this lil girl home, since all she is doing is making you miserable.. If it were me I would have been did it the very first time this lil girl disrespected me and my husband didnt put her in her place...BUT NO she would rather spend it on something else....So now she is stuck with the little girl until the ending of July....

Last week I get a phone call from her early in the morning asking me if I could take the lil girl for a couple of hr. She said it was because it was her 2 yr anniversary and her husband was going to take her to the Olive Garden. She said that her mom was willing to stay with the 7 mth old and she was going to take her 1 yr old with them but she didnt want to take the 8 yr old because she didnt want the 8 yr old to ruin her day. Well a part of me wanted to do it because it was after all their anniversary, but then another part of me did not want to do it because why do I always have to get stuck with her when its for thier convenience. I have 3 kids and when Ben and I go out we take ALL 3 of them even if its to the Olive Garden or whereever. NO ONE ever offers to babysit for us and WE NEVER ask anyone ..WE just take our children because they are our repaonsibility. Not only that I had already made plans withmy mom and its bad enough she at times doesnt want to go out with my kids , imagine this lil girl... SO I told her that I was sorry that I couldnt do it. I told her that she should still go and take the lil girl and that maybe with her father there she wouldnt act up as much.... Well .... ever since that day she has not called me anything. I have written her messages asking her if she was upset and she says no. Well if you arent upset then why havent I heard from you in going on 2 weeks? So now I am at the point where you know what I dont care anymore. If she wants to be upset then let her.... I didnt do anything wrong in my eyes.. DID I??

Just yesterday my husband texts me(this is his bio niece we are talking about) and he wants to know if the lil girl can stay with us Thurs and Friday. His brother called and asked him. I was pissed... Why cant they call me and ask me.... I am the one who is going to be taking care of her.. I know its because the lil girl must be driving my sis in law crazy and she needs a break. Well I need a break too and no on cares about that. So once again I said No... Yea I must be a big B&^%# now.. Ohh well I dont care what people think about me anymore....Wait thats a lie I do care but I am not going to be taken advantage of just because I want you to like me....I am so done with it all...

There is way more to this story but because I dont want to go on and on in one entry I have left out many things...

I just get upset because why is it that I can watch everyone elses kids but no one offers to watch mine?? So there you have it.. Someone else on the list of people who dont like me right now..OHH WELL what are you gonna do right??

Well this is it for now .. I am most likely going to do 2 entries today since this story took up way too much time.

Take care all and enjoy the rest of your day! :)

Thank you , ALL OF YOU!:)

I just wanted to say Thank you too alll you who welcomed me back with love and well wishes. I can't tell you all how much I really appreciate it. I look forward to seeing new comments and welcome any kind of feedback. I am thankful that I have made friends who understand me and without even having ever met are willing to welcome me into their circle.  Sorry for not commenting on some of you guy's journals but rest assured that I will get to it. Once again Thank you ALL!! I have missed all of you guys as well..... It is you guy's kindness and understanding that has brought me back to J-land. God Bless and stay strong!

Love Ya'll! :)

Life would be perfect if only........

See, I told you all that I am back! I was meaning to write an entry yesterday but I was soooo restless I couldnt seem to sit still for longer than 10 mins. I had to be up doing something or else my mind would start to mess with me.

So here I am today... I was reading some of ya'll journals, those of you who have tag journals and I realized that AOL didnt make it easier for us to add images after all. SOO what I did was go into D's journal and went over the entry that she made to help us add images. So now I am back to going thru photobucket. I apologize if I used anyones tags the wrong way. Thank you D for the walk thru! :)

Well today was a typical day.... I have been praying that I wake up feeling myself but once again dissapointment(SP). I have not felt myself for the past 7 yrs , what makes me think today would be any different. I realized yesterday that my life would be perfect if I didnt wake up with this feeling of doom and misery on top of me. I have 3 beautiful children, I have an way expensive but nice apartment, My hubby has finally got the promotion he has always wanted and with that our finance are improving,  I have everything that I always wanted and yet I can not enjoy it. Do you guys know how badly I want to be able to feel normal and do normal things without thinking that there is something wrong with me. I want to be able to pick up and go anywhere with my kids but what stops me is that I am sooo scared that something will happen to me while I am out with the kids. I feel dizzy(lightheaded ) all day at times. I feel like I can not breathe the correct way.. Like I feel something in my lower chest (stomach area) that is making me feel like I can not breathe. HELLOOO I know I AM breathing because I am still alive but it feels like I have to FORCE myself to breathe. I can not explain it. Thats why I dont even go to the Drs, anymore because when they ask me what's wrong ..  I wouldnt even know how to describe it. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I look at other people go about their daily lives... walking around like nothing is wrong, talking and laughing like nothing is wrong.. Enjoying life like nothing is wrong... I say WHY cant that be me?.... OHH of coursewhen I am talking to people I have my mask on and I seem like I am ok, but even as I am conversating with you I am thinking to myself Wow I can not breathe I am about to pass out here.... No I never have passed out but imagine trying to listen and conversate with someone when all you are thinking about is something is wrong with you. Noone can tell that there is anything wrong with me... I just dont know what to do anymore... There are times that I feel like I am literally going crazy, like I am losing my mind. I picture myself having to be in a pychiatric ward... All I can think about is my children and hubby thinking WOW this is my mom , or this is my wife. I dont know how I do it day in and day out... I guess that is thru the power of love for my family and the power of believeing that  the Lord is  with me and will help me get thru this....

Enough of that for the moment.... My mother called me today with some upsetting news....  Now those of you who have went back and read from the beginning know that I have a 16 yr old sister... She is doing very well in school as a matter of fact she will be graduating next yr from H.S. Now this is a great accmoplishment and we are are so looking forward to this day... None of us starting with my mom has actually graduated, I have me GED but a H.S. Diploma is way better. Anyway 3 mths ago thru a friend she met this boy. Ok I must say first that this boy is a good boy who just graduated from H.S. himself and in Sept is going away to College. We liked him from the start. Only problem we had was that they were seeing each other too too much, I mean literally every day for the last 3 mths. She would go over to his house, I would warn my mom that she had to be careful. My mom would say OHH please she is fine.... I know how young girls are because I was one of them .... Well about 2 weeks ago we noticed that my sis was acting nervous and kept on perstering my mom to take her to the GYN .. She said that she was having more than usual discharge... She didnt want to talk to her boyfriend and she was soo nervous... OK I knew something was up.. We told her that it had to be a Yeast infection since she is into wearing tight pants, We even bought her the monistat 3 day treatment.. This didnt appease her at all... SHE wanted to SEE a Dr... Finally my mom convinced her to do the treatment.  Both my mom and I told her if she needed to talk about something we are always there. She was adamant that there was nothing wrong...... Fast Forward to yesterday. I was talking to her on the phone and she tells me that she once again wants to go to the DR because now when she pees it burns... So I told her that it must be A UTI.. I told my mom just take her to the damm DR.. Ok She finally took her..... What did my mom find out..WELL she did have a UTI And a Yeast Infection..Not only that but my mother finds out that my lil 16 yr old sister is now sexually active! She finds out because the DR asks my sis "Are you sexually active??.. My sis looks at my mom then she looks at the DR and say Yes I am.... My mom said her heart broke into a million lil pieces... She said that she didnt know what to do or what to say.. ALL she could get out was OH Really.... So now my mom does not want to talk to her or the boyfriend. SHe called me up and told me about it . I could hear her voice cracking trying to hold herself from crying. She says that my sis is not her lil girl anymore. She chose to do something that my mother has warned her about. My mom is disapointed and hurt beyond measures that my sis would do something like this. Also to have to find out like that made it even worse. I too am upset... but I knew that this was coming. I knew that my mom was giving my sister too much freedom. She says she did it because she wanted to give my sister the benefit of the doubt and trust her. She says all she did was talk to my sister about the conssequences of having sex too soon. My mom is taking it to heart and she has done nothing but cry all day. I told her that it is not something that my sister did to spitefully hurt her. I know that what she did was not right.... I know that what she did was stupid.... But knowing my sister I know that she now regrets it with all her heart but it is not something that can be taken back. At the moment when they are kissing and doing whatever, yea you dont think about what you are doing but after the fact that is when you realize OMG what have I done? I think that my sister did it one time and now it wasnt what she expected and now she wishes she can take it back. I love my sister with all my heart and why I am not happy that she did this I will support her and not turn my back on her. I just want to talk to her and let her know Ok you did it one time but now it is time for you to see that this isnt a game... There are consquenses to all this.. and hopefully she wont do it again. My mother isscared that now the guy will leave her and start talking about her. To me he doesnt seem like the type, he seems to really care about my sister...I pray that I am right because I do not want my sister to have to go thru all that heart ache.

I sooo do not want my daughter to grow up... I look at how big my children are getting and I think to myself "What will I do with myself when they are grown up and gone?" I do not want to even think about that because it just scares and depresses me. I can not imagine them not being around me. My whole life revolves around these kids . Without them here what will I do.?. How will I have to fill these empty days?? Goodness I wish they were babies again...

Somebody is upset at me... Who is it? You're wondering... Well my sister in law is... That is another long story to tell that I will leave for tomorrow.... And you know what I have decided that I will not go private. I dont care who reads this! If you read this and you read something that you think might offend you then by all means do not read my journal. This is where I am going to let go and be honest. I will not hide behind fake words in fear that a family member might read...Its up to them to read... there might not always be nice things in here to read about certain people but Ohh well dont do stupid shit and you wont have to read about yourself in my journal.... With that said I am going to end this entry not because I want to but because I am sure this is wayyy to long... LOL...Stay tuned for more juicy Drama... :))

GOODNIGHT AND TAKE CARE ALL MY FRIENDS !!

If only I can be granted one wish!

Hello to all who might still have me on their alerts.... I know I promised an entry about 3 weeks ago, But like always something (I don't know what it is) prevents me from sitting my behind on this chair long enough to put all my thoughts together.

Last time I was in here I was complaining about certain things and certain people,  let me tell you none of it has changed! I still find myself  getting right into the middle of all the bullshit.

First off let me say, Thank God, all 3 of my children are healthy and doing great. My oldest son graduated from Elementary school.... My baby is halfway to being an adult!! LOL he is only 11 yrs old but it seems that time is going so fast. I was sooooo extremely proud of my son... Through all the issues we've been having with him at home with his anger and breakdowns he did wonderful in school. He received over 6 awards even one from the New York City Chancellor. This was for him scoring Level 4's on all State exams since 3rd grade! Way above average! He has been accepted into a gifted and talented middle school. Though I am very apprenhensive about him going into middle school I am sure he will do will. I am just nervous because it is at this stage in a child's life where they are introduced into peer pressures and bad influences. I pray that with my guidance my child will stay away from all of that.

On to my other 2 children they are both excelling in school as well, my middle son needs a little extra help with his school work but I know  if he puts more of his mind and energy into it he will do just fine. My daughter is all of a little lady. I have gotten so many compliments at school about how smart she is. she is known as the "little lady" by all at her school.  I couldn't be more proud of her. Right now they are at home for the entire summer, No camp for them.. They need a break LOL..

As for me on a personal basis, I am not doing all that good with this anxiety disorder. It seems like just when I think that I am doing great this shit just kicks me in the ass all over again.  I guess to remind that my life can not be too perfect. I am so sick of living with this crap. I am obssessed with the fact that i am not breathing correctly. and NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I AM TOLD THAT I AM FINE I STILL CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. I go to bed worrying and I wake up worrying....I told my mom the other day that if it wasnt for the fact that I had children I dont know where I would be right now. She responded with "What are you trying to say,?  You would have commited suicide ? and my response was "You know what I just don't know anymore. All I know its that its been 7 yrs of living with this and I am at my wits end, Something has got to give because I can not do it anymore.

Of course my life wouldnt be mine if it werent drama filled. Recently we got a new neighbor. Well I was excited because she is my age, she has a 9 yr old son  and she seemed really down to earth. I thought "Great I will finally have someone to hang out with .. Someone who can relate to me... Why is it that I want to turn someone into a best friend soo quickly?!! Long story short I was once again disapointed with this friendship. It always seems that someone wants something from me. The same day I met her, she realized that I babysit for people. SOOO she automatically v olunteered me to babysit her son. Now mind you her son does NOT live with her all yr round. He was just coming out here for the summer... Me being an ass I didnt open up my mouth and tell her "Ummm I'm sorry I wont be able to to do that because once summer comes I wont be babysitting anymore. So fast forward to the beginning of June. I know I have to let her know ASAP because she is already starting to make plans. For someone whose child is only going to be here for 2 mths all of a sudden wants to go back to school. Why didnt you go to school BEFORE your son came or AFTER your son came. After all he is coming to spend time with you not a babysitter. Mind you she works from about 9 to 6 and then she wanted to go to school from 6:30 till about 10 or 11 oclock. Then what time is she going to spend with her son. Anyway this wasnt really any of my concern, my concern was that I would have to be stuck with another child along with my 3 , not only that when I wanted to take my kids out I would have to drag with  4. This wasnt especially appealing to me. SOOO I got up enough courage tolet her know that I was sorry but I wasnt able to do it.  I explained to her my reason, Instead of her being umderstanding of course she got upset... Upset to the point where she went complaining to the landlady(Now you all remember my landlady and what a pain she is ) So I was told that basically I am a bad person for not wanting to help her out... All sympathy going out to a female who isnt with her child full time but none for me when I am the FULL TIME PARENT! So that of course changed my view on the friendship and now I am back to square one without a friend that I can completley trust and feel comfortable with.

Man there is soo much more drama to talk about but if I were to write about it all today this entry would take forever to read. So I will be nice and tell you guys about my life day by day.

I am coming back to J-land .... I need this outlet to pour everything out. It seems like only over here I can be honest and not have everyone looking at me like I am the bad one. Yea I am going to admit I have gotten tougher but thats only because I have been taken advantage of time and time again. I am only liked when I am saying yes to anything and everyone! I am so sick of it,,, I dont even know why I care so much what people think of me. Its not like they give me anything or do anything for me. I'm  soo stupid because I let people get to me.

As for the title of this entry , Let me tell you if I was just granted one wish ..it wouldnt be for money or for anything materialistic... I would wish with everything that I have that I can be rid of this anxiety and I can once again look at life not as a burden but enjoyable. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that there is something wrong with me, Instead look excitely towards tomorrow knowing that its another day to spend with my children.

That's all for today.... But I AM BACK TO STAY SO>>> Look out for further entries and please be patient LOL because there is sure to be alot of drama and venting in here... hey but isnt that what keeps ya'll coming back ;)))

Be safe and see ya'll later..

StephanieBy the way I am loving how easy it is to add images!!!! This is great and less time consuming..YAYYYY!!