If only I can be granted one wish!

Hello to all who might still have me on their alerts.... I know I promised an entry about 3 weeks ago, But like always something (I don't know what it is) prevents me from sitting my behind on this chair long enough to put all my thoughts together.

Last time I was in here I was complaining about certain things and certain people,  let me tell you none of it has changed! I still find myself  getting right into the middle of all the bullshit.

First off let me say, Thank God, all 3 of my children are healthy and doing great. My oldest son graduated from Elementary school.... My baby is halfway to being an adult!! LOL he is only 11 yrs old but it seems that time is going so fast. I was sooooo extremely proud of my son... Through all the issues we've been having with him at home with his anger and breakdowns he did wonderful in school. He received over 6 awards even one from the New York City Chancellor. This was for him scoring Level 4's on all State exams since 3rd grade! Way above average! He has been accepted into a gifted and talented middle school. Though I am very apprenhensive about him going into middle school I am sure he will do will. I am just nervous because it is at this stage in a child's life where they are introduced into peer pressures and bad influences. I pray that with my guidance my child will stay away from all of that.

On to my other 2 children they are both excelling in school as well, my middle son needs a little extra help with his school work but I know  if he puts more of his mind and energy into it he will do just fine. My daughter is all of a little lady. I have gotten so many compliments at school about how smart she is. she is known as the "little lady" by all at her school.  I couldn't be more proud of her. Right now they are at home for the entire summer, No camp for them.. They need a break LOL..

As for me on a personal basis, I am not doing all that good with this anxiety disorder. It seems like just when I think that I am doing great this shit just kicks me in the ass all over again.  I guess to remind that my life can not be too perfect. I am so sick of living with this crap. I am obssessed with the fact that i am not breathing correctly. and NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I AM TOLD THAT I AM FINE I STILL CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. I go to bed worrying and I wake up worrying....I told my mom the other day that if it wasnt for the fact that I had children I dont know where I would be right now. She responded with "What are you trying to say,?  You would have commited suicide ? and my response was "You know what I just don't know anymore. All I know its that its been 7 yrs of living with this and I am at my wits end, Something has got to give because I can not do it anymore.

Of course my life wouldnt be mine if it werent drama filled. Recently we got a new neighbor. Well I was excited because she is my age, she has a 9 yr old son  and she seemed really down to earth. I thought "Great I will finally have someone to hang out with .. Someone who can relate to me... Why is it that I want to turn someone into a best friend soo quickly?!! Long story short I was once again disapointed with this friendship. It always seems that someone wants something from me. The same day I met her, she realized that I babysit for people. SOOO she automatically v olunteered me to babysit her son. Now mind you her son does NOT live with her all yr round. He was just coming out here for the summer... Me being an ass I didnt open up my mouth and tell her "Ummm I'm sorry I wont be able to to do that because once summer comes I wont be babysitting anymore. So fast forward to the beginning of June. I know I have to let her know ASAP because she is already starting to make plans. For someone whose child is only going to be here for 2 mths all of a sudden wants to go back to school. Why didnt you go to school BEFORE your son came or AFTER your son came. After all he is coming to spend time with you not a babysitter. Mind you she works from about 9 to 6 and then she wanted to go to school from 6:30 till about 10 or 11 oclock. Then what time is she going to spend with her son. Anyway this wasnt really any of my concern, my concern was that I would have to be stuck with another child along with my 3 , not only that when I wanted to take my kids out I would have to drag with  4. This wasnt especially appealing to me. SOOO I got up enough courage tolet her know that I was sorry but I wasnt able to do it.  I explained to her my reason, Instead of her being umderstanding of course she got upset... Upset to the point where she went complaining to the landlady(Now you all remember my landlady and what a pain she is ) So I was told that basically I am a bad person for not wanting to help her out... All sympathy going out to a female who isnt with her child full time but none for me when I am the FULL TIME PARENT! So that of course changed my view on the friendship and now I am back to square one without a friend that I can completley trust and feel comfortable with.

Man there is soo much more drama to talk about but if I were to write about it all today this entry would take forever to read. So I will be nice and tell you guys about my life day by day.

I am coming back to J-land .... I need this outlet to pour everything out. It seems like only over here I can be honest and not have everyone looking at me like I am the bad one. Yea I am going to admit I have gotten tougher but thats only because I have been taken advantage of time and time again. I am only liked when I am saying yes to anything and everyone! I am so sick of it,,, I dont even know why I care so much what people think of me. Its not like they give me anything or do anything for me. I'm  soo stupid because I let people get to me.

As for the title of this entry , Let me tell you if I was just granted one wish ..it wouldnt be for money or for anything materialistic... I would wish with everything that I have that I can be rid of this anxiety and I can once again look at life not as a burden but enjoyable. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that there is something wrong with me, Instead look excitely towards tomorrow knowing that its another day to spend with my children.

That's all for today.... But I AM BACK TO STAY SO>>> Look out for further entries and please be patient LOL because there is sure to be alot of drama and venting in here... hey but isnt that what keeps ya'll coming back ;)))

Be safe and see ya'll later..

StephanieBy the way I am loving how easy it is to add images!!!! This is great and less time consuming..YAYYYY!!