School shopping, and an Emotional Breakdown

To all of my friends who come to check up on me every now and again... Right about now my mood is not too great. I have a headache and I am very annoyed. Before I get into why I am in this mood, let me just say that I have finally taken care of 90 percent of my kids school things.

My mind is finally at ease. Today Ben and I went Downtown and bought most of what was needed. Since all 3 of my children wear uniforms it was quite easy because we went to the store knowing ahead of time what we were going to get. It turned out way better than I expected. We did not spend as much as I thought we were. My initial budget was to spend 200.00 on each child, WELL Lo and behold we actually spent 207.00 on ALLL 3 children.!!!! (Well just on Clothes) I got my daughter, a uniform dress, skirt, pant,  skort, 4 packs of stockings, and 2 button down blouses. She can not complain this yr about only having the option of wearing the dress like last yr. This yr I made SURE I got all 4 LOL... Her colors are Pink Blouse, and Burguny and Grey Plaid bottom.  For the boys I got 2 pairs each of Dickies Trousers as these always look good with any footwear that I choose to get them. My littlest son wears Grey pants and then the oldest now needs to wear Navy Blue. They each got 2 White button down shirts. And theirs ties.... One Navy Blue and White Plaid and the other Burgundy and Grey Plaid...  That was it for clothing... Next week I will buy the boys 2 more pants each and about 3 more white shirts since BOYS love to ruin these white shirts.

Next it was on to Payless where they were having THE BOGO sale.. Buy one get one half off.. I got my daughter a pair of Brats Hi top Converse Style sneakers and a pair of Black Casual Dress shoes.. There I spent 30.00. The boys I DO NOT buy at Payless because with boys (in my opinion you have to spend a lil more for them to look good) SO I am going to go to Footlocker with a coupon that I have for 40% off. I will either get them a pair of sneakers or boots, its up to them.

OMG You wont believe that Ben and I then searched hi and low in just about every Dept Store looking for a dammmm High SchoolMusical Backpack!!!!!!!! They were sold out everywhere!!! I felt so bad because about 2 weeks ago my daugter and I were shopping and we seen it and she asked me to get it for her and I told her that we still had enough time to get it.... AND NOW they are nowhere to be found.. UGHHH I should have just gotten it then.. Anyway we finally ended up in Burlington Coat Factory where I finally just settled for a pretty Bratz Backpack and I picked up the boys each a backpack. There I spent 69.00. I can hardly believe I spent that much for bookbags but these kids are gettting older now(and besides Katie getting a character one) So I had to splurge a lil more for the boys. Man the older they get the more expensive they are.

Finally we were done for today. I still need to get the boys footwear , a Looseleaf Binder, Looseleaf paper, Crayons, and Pens. OHH and their Uniform Cardigans for the Fall and Winter.... But at least I got the majority out of the way.

We get home and I am excited to show them their stuff. I also wanted them to try it on to see if I needed to do any returns. Thank Goodness it all fits, though I need to take my daughters stuff to the tailor to get it fitted. I swear the girl is soo skinny but tall. Which means the length fits perfectly but then the waist is sooo big! One of my pet peeves LOL...

ANyway here is where my headaches comes on. As you all know my sister is staying with me while my mom is in Florida. So far I have had no problems with her. She has been obeying the rules and such. That is till today. I had mentioned to her when she first came that it was ok with me that her bestfriend stay over one night. Well a couple of days ago the friend decided that she wanted to come over about 9:30pm... I told her no because to me it was too late for a 16 yr old to be coming out alone , and I didnt appreciate someone coming at that time. Whatever it was fine... Well today I came across an Instant Message between the friend and my sister... The friend wanted to know if she could come over today.... So my sister writes back UMM I dont know if Stephanie would want you to come today.. SO the friend gets an attitude and writes back "Well you know what then I am never going over there because when its ok for me she says no and when its ok for her its not ok withme." SO I asked my sister whats wrong with her?? Since I wasnt even ASKED today if she can come over. Obviosly my sister must have not wanted her company because she just came up with that reason herself.. Then the friend writes Well you can also tell her that she could have said Thank you for the food(Yesterday my sister brought us some food from a BBQ that the friend had at her house).. Ok so when I read that comment I started to get upset because I was like first of all I havent even talked to her yet so How could I have said Thank U?? AND Second of all this damm girl wants to have an attitude with me when I dont even know whats going on!! SO I ask my sister again What is wrong with her friend... My sister starts yelling and carrying on about how nosy I am and how I never want her friend to come over here.. I'm looking at her like WTF??? UMMM I am nosy... Remember its my computer you are on and if you dont like it you can get off! SO I start yelling back and we are now arguing and I am getting really upset because I am trying to tell my sister that I am not upset with her but with her friend... My sister does not want to hear that... She gets up and says I am leaving and she starts packing her stuff... SO after awhile I say you know what Do whatever the hell you want I am not going to stress myself out... So next thing you know my mother calls and asks me for her.. SO I tell her Welll she is over there packing, She asks me why and where is she going .. I tell her I dont know and I dont care, So she asks to put her on the phone.... I can hear my sister telling her shit but I am not saying anything.... Then I take the phone and CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MY MOTHER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I NEED TO GROW UPPPPP!!! She says that its not right that I dont want the friend to come since I said it was ok.... She starts telling me how I always have my friends kids over here and I never tell them anything.... I hear myself trying to explain to her that I did not tell this freaking girl No today but she doesnt want to hear it she just wants to keep tellling me about my friends... SO I am soooo frustrated right now because WTF this is my house I pay the rent and even if I didnt want the friend to come SO WHAT??? So I start to choke up and start crying because no matter what I do I am always wrong in this lady's eyes,... So I just tell you know what whatever!! and I hang up... My sister gets dressed and leaves with her boyfriend leaving all her stuff here so I assume she's coming back!

My mother calls about an hr later talking like nothing has happened( something happened with my other sister) But I dont want to hear it.. She then tells me that my sister is coming back to my house, that she just went to take a walk to calm down... I'm like I dont care if what she does and where she stays.. and I hang up. Of course I feel bad but I dont want to hear it!

Ben and I start to watch the Davinci Code.( very confusing but good movie)... Sister walks in at 12:00am asking me if I want some Chinese rice and I pay no mind to her. AS I am sitting here writing this she just passed by and kissed me on the cheek. Now everyone wants to let bygones be bygones huh???? Its always like this. I dont want to hear none of it, when I am good and ready I will talk to you because I did not deserve to be treated like that.

Did I mention that Ben is going to be a GODFATHER?? You guys all remember my sis in law who used to have a journal for a lil while... ( If you dont know go back a few entries and read about her, We are still not talking to each other) I actually contacted her through Myspace messaging and she wrote back.. But other than that we have not spoken.. I will make on entry on that issue seperately. Anyway she has a daughter which is about 9 mths. Ben recently told me ( 1 week ago) that his brother asked him if he wanted to baptize the baby. Ben said that he wasnt sure because he didnt know how I would feel since they didnt ask me to be the Godmother.... Well when he told me about it my first reaction of course was to feel insulted, Like how come I wasnt asked to do it with him??? SO Ben said "You know what I dont want to do it if it is going to bother you because you are my wife and I dont want to hurt you.... I told him Look that is your niece and I am NOT going to tell you to say NO... I feel bad but ultimately it is up to you... I wont be mad at you at all... SO he said he would think about it... and I never heard about it again.

So today while we were out his brother calls to let him know that the baptism was going to be on Sept 9th.... SO Ben tells me that he is going ... ANd I was Like of course you are going since you are the Godfather , He says NO Im not and Im like What??? He said that he decided to turn down his brothers offer because he didnt feel comfortable doing it without me... I tell him that I didnt care if he did it... I dont want him to say no just because of me ,,,, Not only that I know that she will start to talk about the fact that Ben said No and what kind of family is he.. So I tell him if he really wants to do it to go ahead, UNDER one condition though, the Godmother CAN NOT be her sister.... ANd he knows why ( another entry) SO we find out it is not her sister so I guess he is the Godfather after all....

I am not going to lie and say that it doesnt bother me because it does.... I feel like Why didnt they ask me too if they wanted him knowing that we are a couple?? Also in my opinion it is easier to pick a couple than 2 seperate people who do not even know each other......Ben doesnt even know the chick who is going to do it with him, and now he has to get in contact with her to make arrangements for an after Ceremony and I guess to discuss the financial side of this... Which is another thing they tell him like 2 weeks ahead of the official date and now we have no money saved for this.. He just has to take it out of somewhere....But he can not say no to his brother because I wouldnt say no to mine...

Ben and I are already Godparent's to his brothers first daughter and they know that we take care of her whenever she needs something, or when she is down here... We did it more before she went to Florida but still up to this day if the mom calls and tells me she needs something I make sure that she gets it... SO its not that they dont know that I would make a good responsible Godparent ... so what is it???

Wow this is a looong entry... right now my mind is in so many places that I can keep on writing and writing......

I still have soooo many things to do... Its like I can not get all that I need done DONE... I still have to get those papers filled out for this damm caseworker, I have to get my kids all physicals, plus my oldest needs to get a shot before he goes into Middle School... I need to do laundry BUT I still havent put away last monts laundry because I HAVE to clean out their drawers first. The list goes on but these are the most importantthings.

I also feel like I am getting myself into something that I am not going to be able to completely control, I am not ready to write this in here yet but I will eventually....

WeLL I am finally going to end this... Thank you girlies for always commenting and making me feel better...

P.S. I also found out yesterday that my son's father is having another baby .... BUT this I have to go into another entry because its a DOOZIE!

Goodnight alll and Take Care of Yourselves... LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL!!!  

Finally, A real Entry!

 

Hello my friends! I know I have't really made a real entry in here for the longest so here it goes....

A few entries back I mentioned that I was going through a process with City Drs. to determine whether or not I was able to work... This process has been very tiring and at times even humiliating. Well finally they gave me an appt to go back for the FINAL. At this appt I would know what their decision was... Well basically the Idiot Drs. determined that Yes I was incapable of working BUT just for a month!

What kind of idiots are they? If I am not better in 7 yrs dealing with this crap, what makes them think that I will be better in a month's time??? When she told me this, I just chuckled and said "Whatever", Just tell me what's my next step... The next step was an appt for some sort of rehabilatation place... There they assign me a Case Manager and He or She is to "supposedly" help me get better... Well yesterday I went to this appt ... For one I get over there at 12:30pm.... She takes my appt letter and tells me to have a seat, Someone will be right out to call me.... 1 hr later , No one has called me... I finally get up and ask her "What's going on"?.. She says "Ohh your next to be called"... 20 mins later a man calls my name along with 2 other people.. Now I am wondering how he is possibly going to see all 3 of us at the same time??.. HMMM Weird....

Well the Jackass then leads us into another room... There he tells us to have a seat and someone will be calling us shortly.. WTH??? I know he didn't just take us from sitting in the front to have us sit in the back!@!! What kind of sense does that make??? Not only that but people that were called before me while I was sitting in the front are also back here STILL waiting to be called! This is ridiculous... Now I am pissed the hell off!! I can feel my anxiety start to creep up on me but I try to calm myself down and thankfully my lil sister was there to talk to..

About 45 mins later, this tall woman who body says otherwise calls me name and I am told to followher. She then introuduces herself as my Case Worker. I tell her "Well if you can fix me in a month's time, I will be sooo happy.. She says"Well we are not the ones who fix you, basically you are going to fix yourself by going to your Primary Care Physician and Pysch. UMMM, Helloooo I then tell her that I HAVE been seeing my private DR. on a regular basis. As for the Pysch I currently do not have one because I cant find one who will accept my insurance. She says " Well thats what we will work on, getting you a Pysch". Ok whatever! I then ask her Listen, What happens if in a month's time I come back and things have not changed, Will I have to go thru the same process?? She looks at me and says "I don't know".

:Sigh: I honestly can not deal with this anymore... These people actually think that I WANT to go through this ridiculous bullshit!! I would give anything to wake up in the morning and be normal! I don't enjoy feeling like this... I dont enjoy being stuck at home the days that I am too scared to go out alone.. I dont enjoy feeling like I cant breathe and feeling so damm dizzy that I can't even walk straight.. I dont enjoy not being able to do things with my children while their dad is at work. For the past 7 yrs I have lived a life that I do not enjoy! Yes I am happy that I am alive , that I am able to care for my children, and see them grow but I am not happy with myself! No I do not stay at home and waste my life away... I DO force myself to do things ... Like take my kids to Drs appts, Grocery shopping, and whatever else that NEEDS to be done. I do what I have to do..... ANyways... I don't know why I bother to try and explain myself because no matter how hard I try to explain to people how I feel, No one understands and they think that its not that bad.... I tell you, If any of these people who have looked down upon me were to walk a day in my life... they wouldn't dare talk shit! I am done trying to explain to people what exactly it is that I am feeling. They dont understand anyway, Once I mention the word ANXIETY people think ... WELL how can bad can Anxiety be, SO what if your anxious.... I wish Drs would come up with a better name for this because honestly I am sick of people dpwnplaying it.

So I walked out of that place with 2 different envelopes, one for my private Dr and one for my Pysch(which I still do not have). I am to go back on Sept 7th with these forms filled with whether or not MY Drs think I can work.. Let's see what happens... I just got a phone call from my "Case Manager" . I let my answering machine pick up and she says that she has information for me... I guess she found me a Pysch, WHOOPIE DOO!

Everything else on the homefront is fine so far.... The only thing that is stressing me out right now is that school is 2 weeks away and I STILL am not even close to finishing. I did buy some supplies at Staples but I still need Uniforms, Shoes, T-shirts and Bookbags. UGHHH and right now I have no money to buy these things. Ben gets paid today so basically his whole check will go towards school. I also asked my son's dad to give me money and he said he would give me 200.00 this week. Let's see if that happens.

Another issue that I am having is the whole transportation thing with my oldest son. He wants to go to this school that is about an hr away by bus. Now this is a REALLY GOOD school , I also want him to go there BUT I dont think he is ready to take 2 buses alone. Not only that but I am NOT ready for him to take 2 City buses alone!. Not with all these bullies and idiots are the streets. I looked into private transportation. I spoke to this one man who said that he has been taking children back and forth to this school for 16 yrs. He asked me my information. I then asked him how much does he charge? Well basically it is 42.50 a week... Hey to me it is not that bad. I will know that my child is safe and he is being driven directly to the school and the directly back to the house. A small sacrifice to make me feel at ease.. Problem is that the man hasnt gotten back to me. He said that he would get back to me once he found out his schedules. I pray he calls, matter of fact I think I should call him.

Does anyone know how I can go about finding a job that I can work from home?. I have thinking about this for the longest but I dont know how or where to find these jobs. I see different advertising in different places but I dont know if I can trust these sites. So if anyone knows a legit place that I can look into please let me know. It can be doing anything.. It doesnt have to be working on the computer either. I am also open to assembling things or even stuffing envelopes. I just need something to bring in extra income while beingable to stay in my comfort zone.  Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Ohh BTW anyone interested in exchanging postcards let me know... I received and sent my first postcard. Debbie from England sent me a beautiful postcard of where she lives... I in return sent her one of New York. My kids thought this was so cool. They were very excited to know that I have a friend all the way in England. LOL. So not only was it fun for me but it was fun for my kiddies as well. It would be cool to have postcards from different places. I was thinking of making a collage of them for the kids. SO if anyone is interested let me know.

Hmm what else has been going on?? My mom is away vacationing in Florida. I must say that I miss her LOL... I talk to her every day and she sounds like she is having a great time. Not only that but she is able to enjoy some time away from her kids being that my littlest sister is staying with me and the other one stood at home. So far my little sister has been behaving. In fact it has been rather nice having her around. I sat down with her and her boyfriend and explained to the importance of safe sex and all. I told them they are going to do what they want but that to remember all actions are followed ny consequences. They seemed to understand and hopefully the heed my warnings. He has been here everyday to see her. He is a nice guy, so maybe they will last. Today he took her out because it is their 5th mth anniversary LOL... OHHH to be young and in love again...Well I am still in love but not young LMAO..

Summer is almost over and I am elated. Lately in New York it has been rainy and chilly. I love the chilly part but cant stand the rain LOL. I am so ready for Fall and Winter. I noticed that during these season my anxiety is not that bad. The heat makes me feel like I am being suffocated.... SO winter cant come soon enough for me!

Well I have to go and clean up and see what I am going to do today... I have reading and commenting in journals..... I hope of you are good.. Thanks for always being there to read my whines LOL... I am blessed to have you guys! See you later!

Just wanted to share

 I made this with a tube that was sent to me by Debbie, Rest are just some that I have gotten from various websites that are free to use. I don't want to get caught up in the tube drama. Every knows that I can NOT create my own tubes LOL>..So for now I am using the artwork of talented others. When I get better at this then I will actually think about purchasing some tubes...

 

 

 

 

Hi , I just wanted to pop in really quick and share my latest creations :P..

I really need to update on what happened with the Dr.

So I promise that tomorrow that will be the first thing I'll do!!!

Love and Hugs

Steph

I'm too excited LOL..

Ok, this is not going to be a real entry... I am being lazy with entries .... Sorry ... Nothing new that I can whine about LOL... BUT I am going to share with you guys my first glitter animation that I've done that I actually like enough to share...  There it is , right there on the top LOL... My first glitter ani that I made for my lil girl... She loves it... TY Debbie and Donna for helping me!

If anyone wants one for let me know.....

Hope everyone is well...

Real Entry coming soon, Stay tuned! Btw I just noticed that it would look better on a white background, dont know why though LOL

Love & Hugs Steph

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 Just made this one for my son , As you can see some places I missed with the glitter but still havent figured out how to go and fix it...

One last one 4 th night, This one is for my lil sis and her boyfriend...

I cant sleep!!!

 

Ok So I can't sleep, and what do I do..Of course mess with this obssesion of mine LOL....Even though I am mad at Ben I could not resist adding his and my name.... I dont know why it came out so big but now I am getting tired and I dont want to fix or mess with PSP anymore... Just wanted to share my newest..HMMMM what shall I call these .... Welll lets just call it my newest disaster for now LOL... These are in no way perfect and I know I still have a llllooooooong way to go but I am ok with the way these have come out.... I cant wait till the day that I am a pro like you guys , When it will take all of 5 mins to come up with something instead of 3 hrs LOL... But hey we all begin somewhere.. SO I hope you guys like them and dont worry I am not forcing you guys to want them LOL.....

Ughh the landlady is coming tomorrow at 10 am and I am still up which means I am NOT going to want to wake up tomorrow that early .... Let me try to put my behind to sleep....

Queen I am!

 Ok I tried it again and WAAA LAAA(SP) LOL.... Now I just need to learn different techiques and styles.... OMG I have someone how lives downstairs from me, Well to make a long story short his wife left him to go to Miami. She was gone since the ending of May.. Well she is back and along with her is the freaking smell of WEED! I can't stand it! It is annoying the hell out of me right now. Since she was gone it has been quiet down there and no foriegn odors wafting up to my apt, but shes been here since yesterday and along with her came the smells. I guess I am going to have to make a phone call to this landlady because I am NOT going to go the rest of the yr smelling this shit....

Anyway let me know what you guys think and if you like it feel free to snag LOL or I can add your name instead even though most of my readers already know how to do it themselves..HEHEHHEE ... Ohhh well let me go back and play with my new toy LOL... BTW :( I only have 15 days left on this fee trial..... AWWWWW BUT Debbie said she would mail my a copy so hopefully I get it soon :))))

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Another one I made a lil later on... I don't know how to do anything else yet LOL..I tried messing with Glitter but it came out a mess soooo I need to figure that out now.. I'll just wait till Debbie sends me the tutorial for that LOL..... Its fun and it sure does occupy your time ..... Well I think thats about it for today... Goodnight alll....

Look!!! I did one!!

I finally did one!!!  Debbie(from Deb's Dab's) sent me a tutorial that she had and I followed it, Of course I ran into some trouble BUT at the end I figured it out and it worked!!! Finally... I showed my kids and they liked it LOL.... I must say thank you and give shout outs to Donna(This, That and Hockey and D's Designs and Debbie (Deb's Dab's and Whatever)... These 2 wonderful ladies helped me out tremendously and told me NOT to give up! Thank you Girlies!!! MUAHHHH! LOL Here it is............ TAAAA DAAA!

 

Now let's see if I can do another one with a different tube...

Update: I am still not talking to Ben, and he still hasnt told me anything besides the fact that he just went to get us food. But like I said I am not going to stress over it... Whatever happens happens......

I'll be back sooon with more... Hope everyone has had a great day so far...Take Care yourselves

Love & Hugs

 

OK I'm DONE !

Ok I'm done with it... I am frustrated with this PSP because for the life of me I can not figure it all. Most of my day has been spent searching online for tutorials... I find some and they seem fairly easy but then I will get stuck at a certain part and I can not figure it out! Thanks to Donna (TYVM!!) I know have Animation shop 3 but I still can not figure out what I am doing wrong. I dont know what images to use for the animation and I dont know what images to use for Paint shop Pro.. So I am stuck ... And I dont know what else to do. I am obssessed because I hate giving up. I am determined to figure this out but I can't LOL....

On another more personal note I am done with Ben. I am extremely frustrated and disgusted with him right now. It started yesterday when I asked him if he wanted me to meet him somewhere after work so that we can go and cash his check. There was no specific reason for me wanting to cash his check it was just me wanting to get out of the house. Anyway so then he brings up that his friend from work offered to drive him to a check cashing place and then drive him to a place where supposely they had good and different kinds of sandwiches. So I said Fine , go ahead siince you are going in the car. Well he called me at about 9:40 to let me know that they were on the way to the cashier now... I asked why since he gets out of work at 9. He gave me a reason and I said fine. He said he would call me when they got to the place so that he could ask me what I want. Ok so its now 10:40 and Ben still hasnt called. SO I called him to see what was going on. Well lo and behold he doesnt pick up his phone. So I keep trying..No answer.... Now I am getting pissed but then another part of me is worried that something may have happened while cashing his check... So of course I try and try. I even texted him..NOTHING! So at about 11:00 he finally calls me back and I ask him whats going on??? I said Why didnt you call me... His answer was I didnt hear my phone ringing or vibrating...Ok Now that really pissed me off because when we are at home the minute his phone rings he is running to it because he says that he needs to be in constant contact with his employees.. So now you tell me that you didnt hear the freaking phone... SO I asked him Ok so why didnt you call me to tell me that you were in the store... He says "Well we are on the way back home, I already have the food , I chose 2 different sandwiches.WTF Why didnt you call me and let me know what they had. ?What was the big deal.?? Now I am starting to get suspicious because he always calls first to ask what we want because he knows how picky we are. So I start yelling at him insisting that he tell me the truth and to stop playing games! By the way he is talking to me he sounds weird. I am furious! I ask him where is he... and he tells me that he is on the BQE.. What the hell are you doing on the BQE??? Of course I am yelling at him becasue I hate to be lied to or played games with. So he hangs up the phone on me..... I call back and NO ANSWER..  I call and call, NO ANSWER.. I must have called at least 30 times! No lie! and he wouldnt pick up the phone!

So now I am not only furious but I am hurt as well, that he feels that he can play these stupid games with me. Everytime he goes out its always the same thing. He forgets that he has a family at home. I dont know what he was doing but of course your mind wanders and you start thinking stupid shit.... I have my reasons for not trusting him(for new readers go back and look in the archives) So yes Now I am thinking that he is messing around. I dont care if he wanted to hang out with his friends but he should have been honest and let me know not have us waiting here for food... The kids kept on asking me when he was going to get home, they even called him and he didnt answer...The idiot didnt get home until 12:30 am, and to top it all off he brought 2 sandwiches to feed 4 people and they werent even nothing to call momma about!!!!! I was contemplating not even letting him come in the house but of course I can not be that cruel... and besides I think since my daughter seen how upset I was (I was tearing) she started to cry and I felt so bad for her because this was the first time she ever did this... So I let him in and I basically told him that I am through with his games. I told him to stay away from me and I dont want to be bothered. I told him it was wrong what he did. And for some reason I look like the bad guy because he trys to twist everything and say that I was the one flipping out just cause he was out for a few hrs. What an ASS!  I wasnt flipping out cause he went out I was flipping out because we were home waiting on him because he said he was going to get US something to eat! I dont regret most of what I said But me wanting to hurt him as much as I was hurting .. I yelled out "Well you know thats why I am already cheating on you!! Now I know this isnt the truth because how the hell would I even meet someone anyway if I am always home. I said it because I couldnt stand the thought that he could messing around on me while I am home beng faithful like an idiot. So I wanted him to feel like I did...which I know is wrong but I couldnt help it. Let him think about me being with someone eles maybe he will realize what he is about to lose.. I am tired of it! He is a good guy....except when he is around his friends..

He slept on my daughters bed and I slept alone ... it kind of bothered me but only for a minute that I just enjoyed having the bed alllll to myself! I am not going to give in and talk to him and forgive him... He disrespeted me and until he realizes that then F! him..

To top it all off, I had a terrrible time at the freaking Dr's office. Remember this is a city Dr who I have to see to determine whether or not I can work , also mandatory for me to attend so that I can still get foodstamps and rental assistance... (Those of you who read this and judge me because you think I am welfare, I just want to say Dont judge until you can walk a day in my shoes! I have worked and paid taxes, I have been to College, and  I am not on Welfare,, because in NY receiving FoodStamps DOES not mean that you are on Welfare..If you want to know more then go back and read about WHY I am not working right now, OHHH and Ben works and pays child support TO ME well not to me but to the state JUST so I can continue to get the little help that they give, and Mind you I do not get any bit of the Child Support they keep it ALL!) Anyways sorry I just had to let that be known because I know a lot of people right away look down on others for this reason.

Well as you all know I have this anxiety crap which makes me not want to go out alone,, Now I have this appt . I call the receptionist to see if she can reschedule me for another date so that someone can go with me, But she says that she can only give me a date for 2 weeks from now and that most likely that will affect my case and it can be closed....Now I have no choice but to go in... So I say F! it I'll just go ..... I get all of us dressed and I feel the anxiety already coming on but I continue... It takes me an hr and a half to get there. My appt was at 1 I got there at 2.  I know I was late but hey at least I am there right??

So I get there and do you know what she says??? She tells me "I'm sorry but I am going to have to reschedule you because the DR left at 1:30.. WTF.... How can the Dr leave at 1:30 if my appt was for 1pm.... She then tells me that he is only there from 1 to 1:30. WHAT!!!!!!!!!! No where on my appt letter does it state anything like that.. HOW can a DR only see patients for a hf hr??? SO I tell her "I spoke to YOU and let you know my situation and YOU told me to come in!!! Now you are saying that I came out here almost having an panic attack with my kids ALONE! and you are telling me I can not be seen..... I broke down and much to my dissapointment I started getting hysterical crying right there! I tried to compose myself but I was just soooo sick of it all! Sick of feeling like a fucking invalid and sick of having to go to these bullshit DRS!! SO they are just looking at me .. and I listening to both of the tellling one another.."Well do you want to go in and ask him if will see her??? ANd the other one says "WELL I dont feel like getting yelled at today so I am not going in.... They keep on saying this over and over!  I couldnt fucking believe it! I am still trying to calm down and I tell Listen whatever just give me another appt I just want to get out of here.....I couldnt stop crying no matter how hard I tried... I was embarrassed as well because there were other people there. I was ashamed because I let these people get to me like this.. AND I was pissed because here I am crying like this in front of my kids!

So I asked for a bathroom and I took the kids and went in there and calmed myself down! When I came out the freaking stupid &^*%$# tells me that the Dr is willing to see me.....  AFTER ALLTHIS! SO I go back there expecting to see this arrogant young idiotic DR and what do I see a freaking old monkey looking man!! This is who they are scared of?????? MY GOD! He looked like he needed to be in a nursing home thats how old he was... 10 Mins later I am out of there... ALL THAT DRAMA for a 10 minute session! AND he was a Cardiologist... Thats how much he cares about his patients that he would turn them away... So I need to get an ECHO done and a 24 Hr heart monitor... WHICH I already had done. They just keep on repeating the same shit over and over... I am DONE!  I am sick of letting this crap hold me back! I cant work, I cant have fun, I can do anything!

WOW I know this is a lonnnnng entry I do apologize!

I am also soo sick of this heat!!! It is soo hot and humid out here.. Not to mention the day before yesterday we had a mini TORNADO out here in NY. The lightening and thunder were soooo loud and BAD! The rain was just crazy.. I didnt even look out the window but I heard that trees were down and even the subway service was down for the entire morning till 3 pm!!  Thats crazy! My electric bill came out to 213.00 this month..ONE MONTHS BILL and I dont even have a big apt... But I need the AC on all day because I can not stand the heat makes me feel worse than I already felt. I am so ready for winter.. I am thinking about moving to where it is COLD all yr round!

Well I will end this now.... If you read all of this THANK YOU for hanging in there and hearing me out! I so needed to vent ... My Chest was hurting because of how much I was soo frustrated. Hope all of you ladies are hanging in there and all of you are doing well! I have been reading and commenting every now and then when I am not stressing over PSP LOL.... If anyone has tutorials that they can email me I will be soooo HAPPY!

LOVE & HUGS to ALL!

Ok I know I promised But one last thing..

OK, as I been looking at different tuts, I've noticed that alot of them refer to the older versions of PSP.(Such as 7, 8, 9). I could only download the latest version which was 11. Now from what I am understanding the older versions of PSP came with Animation shop for free. With this version I dont think Animation shop was included. Which is what I really want to do LOL.. I've looked online to see if I can download a trial for one of the older versions but to no avail. Only the most recent is showing up so far. Which sucks big time because I dont even think any of the stores will carry it if I wanted to buy it. AND in NYC(brooklyn) it is rare that we bump into a yard sale, which is probably a good spot to find an older version.. SO I need help.. If any of you guys can email me file, (if thats even possible) OR (I know it might be asking alot LOL) if anyone can possibly burn a copy and would so kind as to mail it to me..( I can pay a fee for your trouble :) )...OR! if anyone knows a website that I can download the program from.

I know I sound like I'm begging......... WELL I AM LOL... It's like leaving the cookie jar on the counter and just a teeny weenie bitty crumb was left ... I tasted it but now the cookies are too far out of my reach LOL.... I WANT MORE.... I had fun messing with the brushes but I know I'll have even more fun with Animation and Glitters...PLUS there arent too many tuts for this darn new version,.... AND WHY didnt they include Animation shop in the new one ... Thats weird !!

So anyone pleaseeeeee.... Pretty pleaseeeee with a cookie on top????

Get back at me LOL...Now I am off to bed since there are no more tuts for me "Sniffle Sniffle"

Goodnight my friends.....

Another one using same tut

Ok I like this one a lil better but for some reason the whole bodies are not coming out. I am using the paint brush for the background, and then the blend feature. I want to look for a different style though. Something that already has a background . I also just want to learn how to animate stuff instead of doing all this work LOL... I'm going to keep on trying but any advice on how to animate and get those cute lil graphics is welcomed...:P

Thank you D for making me feel good LOL.... I know I have a long waysssss to go but for the meantime at least I still have you guy's beautiful tags to collect.... Ok I promise this is the last entry for tonight. Any other stuff that I come up with I'll leave for tomorrow .. HAHAHHA

Also tomorrow I will do a real entry and update on whats up around here. Tomorrow I have a Dr.s appt to the see the Cardiologist. I am not very excite on going because Ben wil be at work and I will have to go alone with the kids. Kinda of scary for me. It's funny that I am having fun with this Psp thing back in the back of my mind something keeps nagging to remind that I still have this anxiety crap and I shouldnt get too happy. Also I feel like a bad mom LOL because I have been paying attention to this PSP thing....What I like about it is for the whole time I am working on something it like takes me out of reality and I am not  worrying about anything.

Well Take care of yourselves, Hugs to all .... Nighty Nite ..

YAYYYY I did one!!

  Hi all... I have been away for a couple of days... NOOO nothing is wrong with me lol... But I get to put the blame on something for my absense... HEHEHE ..Well ever since downloading this PSP (free trial) I have been obssesing with trying to figure it out. SoOOO I have been looking for tutorials, and lo and behold I found one that was really easy to follow after 25 times LOL.... SOOOOO guess what this is my first creation which is named GRUNGE LOL... Yes I will admit its not the prettiest thing and I have seeenn wayyyyy better from my artist friends LOL.. BUT I finally came up with something.. SO just wanted to share.... LOL I am excited and I am off to try and do something else..Thing is that AOL freaking froze on me closing all open programs and now I dont remember the site that helped me... AGGGHHHHH now I have to go and search again and pray that I find it... BUMMMER..

Hope you all are well.... A big hug to all my girly girls... And to Deb ..Ty so much for the postcard... It was great! I love your little town and you're right I would loveeee to live there. It looks really nice and peaceful. My kids got a kick out of seeing me get a post card from another part of the world. We went and picked a couple of post cards in the city and they are dying to send them off... Only thing girly I dont know if I am blind but I dont see a return address LOL.... So let me know if I am missing it.. My postcards will be in the mail sooonnn!

Goodnight all and dont laugh too much at my grunge creation :)))))