Finally, A real Entry!

 

Hello my friends! I know I have't really made a real entry in here for the longest so here it goes....

A few entries back I mentioned that I was going through a process with City Drs. to determine whether or not I was able to work... This process has been very tiring and at times even humiliating. Well finally they gave me an appt to go back for the FINAL. At this appt I would know what their decision was... Well basically the Idiot Drs. determined that Yes I was incapable of working BUT just for a month!

What kind of idiots are they? If I am not better in 7 yrs dealing with this crap, what makes them think that I will be better in a month's time??? When she told me this, I just chuckled and said "Whatever", Just tell me what's my next step... The next step was an appt for some sort of rehabilatation place... There they assign me a Case Manager and He or She is to "supposedly" help me get better... Well yesterday I went to this appt ... For one I get over there at 12:30pm.... She takes my appt letter and tells me to have a seat, Someone will be right out to call me.... 1 hr later , No one has called me... I finally get up and ask her "What's going on"?.. She says "Ohh your next to be called"... 20 mins later a man calls my name along with 2 other people.. Now I am wondering how he is possibly going to see all 3 of us at the same time??.. HMMM Weird....

Well the Jackass then leads us into another room... There he tells us to have a seat and someone will be calling us shortly.. WTH??? I know he didn't just take us from sitting in the front to have us sit in the back!@!! What kind of sense does that make??? Not only that but people that were called before me while I was sitting in the front are also back here STILL waiting to be called! This is ridiculous... Now I am pissed the hell off!! I can feel my anxiety start to creep up on me but I try to calm myself down and thankfully my lil sister was there to talk to..

About 45 mins later, this tall woman who body says otherwise calls me name and I am told to followher. She then introuduces herself as my Case Worker. I tell her "Well if you can fix me in a month's time, I will be sooo happy.. She says"Well we are not the ones who fix you, basically you are going to fix yourself by going to your Primary Care Physician and Pysch. UMMM, Helloooo I then tell her that I HAVE been seeing my private DR. on a regular basis. As for the Pysch I currently do not have one because I cant find one who will accept my insurance. She says " Well thats what we will work on, getting you a Pysch". Ok whatever! I then ask her Listen, What happens if in a month's time I come back and things have not changed, Will I have to go thru the same process?? She looks at me and says "I don't know".

:Sigh: I honestly can not deal with this anymore... These people actually think that I WANT to go through this ridiculous bullshit!! I would give anything to wake up in the morning and be normal! I don't enjoy feeling like this... I dont enjoy being stuck at home the days that I am too scared to go out alone.. I dont enjoy feeling like I cant breathe and feeling so damm dizzy that I can't even walk straight.. I dont enjoy not being able to do things with my children while their dad is at work. For the past 7 yrs I have lived a life that I do not enjoy! Yes I am happy that I am alive , that I am able to care for my children, and see them grow but I am not happy with myself! No I do not stay at home and waste my life away... I DO force myself to do things ... Like take my kids to Drs appts, Grocery shopping, and whatever else that NEEDS to be done. I do what I have to do..... ANyways... I don't know why I bother to try and explain myself because no matter how hard I try to explain to people how I feel, No one understands and they think that its not that bad.... I tell you, If any of these people who have looked down upon me were to walk a day in my life... they wouldn't dare talk shit! I am done trying to explain to people what exactly it is that I am feeling. They dont understand anyway, Once I mention the word ANXIETY people think ... WELL how can bad can Anxiety be, SO what if your anxious.... I wish Drs would come up with a better name for this because honestly I am sick of people dpwnplaying it.

So I walked out of that place with 2 different envelopes, one for my private Dr and one for my Pysch(which I still do not have). I am to go back on Sept 7th with these forms filled with whether or not MY Drs think I can work.. Let's see what happens... I just got a phone call from my "Case Manager" . I let my answering machine pick up and she says that she has information for me... I guess she found me a Pysch, WHOOPIE DOO!

Everything else on the homefront is fine so far.... The only thing that is stressing me out right now is that school is 2 weeks away and I STILL am not even close to finishing. I did buy some supplies at Staples but I still need Uniforms, Shoes, T-shirts and Bookbags. UGHHH and right now I have no money to buy these things. Ben gets paid today so basically his whole check will go towards school. I also asked my son's dad to give me money and he said he would give me 200.00 this week. Let's see if that happens.

Another issue that I am having is the whole transportation thing with my oldest son. He wants to go to this school that is about an hr away by bus. Now this is a REALLY GOOD school , I also want him to go there BUT I dont think he is ready to take 2 buses alone. Not only that but I am NOT ready for him to take 2 City buses alone!. Not with all these bullies and idiots are the streets. I looked into private transportation. I spoke to this one man who said that he has been taking children back and forth to this school for 16 yrs. He asked me my information. I then asked him how much does he charge? Well basically it is 42.50 a week... Hey to me it is not that bad. I will know that my child is safe and he is being driven directly to the school and the directly back to the house. A small sacrifice to make me feel at ease.. Problem is that the man hasnt gotten back to me. He said that he would get back to me once he found out his schedules. I pray he calls, matter of fact I think I should call him.

Does anyone know how I can go about finding a job that I can work from home?. I have thinking about this for the longest but I dont know how or where to find these jobs. I see different advertising in different places but I dont know if I can trust these sites. So if anyone knows a legit place that I can look into please let me know. It can be doing anything.. It doesnt have to be working on the computer either. I am also open to assembling things or even stuffing envelopes. I just need something to bring in extra income while beingable to stay in my comfort zone.  Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Ohh BTW anyone interested in exchanging postcards let me know... I received and sent my first postcard. Debbie from England sent me a beautiful postcard of where she lives... I in return sent her one of New York. My kids thought this was so cool. They were very excited to know that I have a friend all the way in England. LOL. So not only was it fun for me but it was fun for my kiddies as well. It would be cool to have postcards from different places. I was thinking of making a collage of them for the kids. SO if anyone is interested let me know.

Hmm what else has been going on?? My mom is away vacationing in Florida. I must say that I miss her LOL... I talk to her every day and she sounds like she is having a great time. Not only that but she is able to enjoy some time away from her kids being that my littlest sister is staying with me and the other one stood at home. So far my little sister has been behaving. In fact it has been rather nice having her around. I sat down with her and her boyfriend and explained to the importance of safe sex and all. I told them they are going to do what they want but that to remember all actions are followed ny consequences. They seemed to understand and hopefully the heed my warnings. He has been here everyday to see her. He is a nice guy, so maybe they will last. Today he took her out because it is their 5th mth anniversary LOL... OHHH to be young and in love again...Well I am still in love but not young LMAO..

Summer is almost over and I am elated. Lately in New York it has been rainy and chilly. I love the chilly part but cant stand the rain LOL. I am so ready for Fall and Winter. I noticed that during these season my anxiety is not that bad. The heat makes me feel like I am being suffocated.... SO winter cant come soon enough for me!

Well I have to go and clean up and see what I am going to do today... I have reading and commenting in journals..... I hope of you are good.. Thanks for always being there to read my whines LOL... I am blessed to have you guys! See you later!