Ok I'm done with it... I am frustrated with this PSP because for the life of me I can not figure it all. Most of my day has been spent searching online for tutorials... I find some and they seem fairly easy but then I will get stuck at a certain part and I can not figure it out! Thanks to Donna (TYVM!!) I know have Animation shop 3 but I still can not figure out what I am doing wrong. I dont know what images to use for the animation and I dont know what images to use for Paint shop Pro.. So I am stuck ... And I dont know what else to do. I am obssessed because I hate giving up. I am determined to figure this out but I can't LOL....
On another more personal note I am done with Ben. I am extremely frustrated and disgusted with him right now. It started yesterday when I asked him if he wanted me to meet him somewhere after work so that we can go and cash his check. There was no specific reason for me wanting to cash his check it was just me wanting to get out of the house. Anyway so then he brings up that his friend from work offered to drive him to a check cashing place and then drive him to a place where supposely they had good and different kinds of sandwiches. So I said Fine , go ahead siince you are going in the car. Well he called me at about 9:40 to let me know that they were on the way to the cashier now... I asked why since he gets out of work at 9. He gave me a reason and I said fine. He said he would call me when they got to the place so that he could ask me what I want. Ok so its now 10:40 and Ben still hasnt called. SO I called him to see what was going on. Well lo and behold he doesnt pick up his phone. So I keep trying..No answer.... Now I am getting pissed but then another part of me is worried that something may have happened while cashing his check... So of course I try and try. I even texted him..NOTHING! So at about 11:00 he finally calls me back and I ask him whats going on??? I said Why didnt you call me... His answer was I didnt hear my phone ringing or vibrating...Ok Now that really pissed me off because when we are at home the minute his phone rings he is running to it because he says that he needs to be in constant contact with his employees.. So now you tell me that you didnt hear the freaking phone... SO I asked him Ok so why didnt you call me to tell me that you were in the store... He says "Well we are on the way back home, I already have the food , I chose 2 different sandwiches.WTF Why didnt you call me and let me know what they had. ?What was the big deal.?? Now I am starting to get suspicious because he always calls first to ask what we want because he knows how picky we are. So I start yelling at him insisting that he tell me the truth and to stop playing games! By the way he is talking to me he sounds weird. I am furious! I ask him where is he... and he tells me that he is on the BQE.. What the hell are you doing on the BQE??? Of course I am yelling at him becasue I hate to be lied to or played games with. So he hangs up the phone on me..... I call back and NO ANSWER.. I call and call, NO ANSWER.. I must have called at least 30 times! No lie! and he wouldnt pick up the phone!
So now I am not only furious but I am hurt as well, that he feels that he can play these stupid games with me. Everytime he goes out its always the same thing. He forgets that he has a family at home. I dont know what he was doing but of course your mind wanders and you start thinking stupid shit.... I have my reasons for not trusting him(for new readers go back and look in the archives) So yes Now I am thinking that he is messing around. I dont care if he wanted to hang out with his friends but he should have been honest and let me know not have us waiting here for food... The kids kept on asking me when he was going to get home, they even called him and he didnt answer...The idiot didnt get home until 12:30 am, and to top it all off he brought 2 sandwiches to feed 4 people and they werent even nothing to call momma about!!!!! I was contemplating not even letting him come in the house but of course I can not be that cruel... and besides I think since my daughter seen how upset I was (I was tearing) she started to cry and I felt so bad for her because this was the first time she ever did this... So I let him in and I basically told him that I am through with his games. I told him to stay away from me and I dont want to be bothered. I told him it was wrong what he did. And for some reason I look like the bad guy because he trys to twist everything and say that I was the one flipping out just cause he was out for a few hrs. What an ASS! I wasnt flipping out cause he went out I was flipping out because we were home waiting on him because he said he was going to get US something to eat! I dont regret most of what I said But me wanting to hurt him as much as I was hurting .. I yelled out "Well you know thats why I am already cheating on you!! Now I know this isnt the truth because how the hell would I even meet someone anyway if I am always home. I said it because I couldnt stand the thought that he could messing around on me while I am home beng faithful like an idiot. So I wanted him to feel like I did...which I know is wrong but I couldnt help it. Let him think about me being with someone eles maybe he will realize what he is about to lose.. I am tired of it! He is a good guy....except when he is around his friends..
He slept on my daughters bed and I slept alone ... it kind of bothered me but only for a minute that I just enjoyed having the bed alllll to myself! I am not going to give in and talk to him and forgive him... He disrespeted me and until he realizes that then F! him..
To top it all off, I had a terrrible time at the freaking Dr's office. Remember this is a city Dr who I have to see to determine whether or not I can work , also mandatory for me to attend so that I can still get foodstamps and rental assistance... (Those of you who read this and judge me because you think I am welfare, I just want to say Dont judge until you can walk a day in my shoes! I have worked and paid taxes, I have been to College, and I am not on Welfare,, because in NY receiving FoodStamps DOES not mean that you are on Welfare..If you want to know more then go back and read about WHY I am not working right now, OHHH and Ben works and pays child support TO ME well not to me but to the state JUST so I can continue to get the little help that they give, and Mind you I do not get any bit of the Child Support they keep it ALL!) Anyways sorry I just had to let that be known because I know a lot of people right away look down on others for this reason.
Well as you all know I have this anxiety crap which makes me not want to go out alone,, Now I have this appt . I call the receptionist to see if she can reschedule me for another date so that someone can go with me, But she says that she can only give me a date for 2 weeks from now and that most likely that will affect my case and it can be closed....Now I have no choice but to go in... So I say F! it I'll just go ..... I get all of us dressed and I feel the anxiety already coming on but I continue... It takes me an hr and a half to get there. My appt was at 1 I got there at 2. I know I was late but hey at least I am there right??
So I get there and do you know what she says??? She tells me "I'm sorry but I am going to have to reschedule you because the DR left at 1:30.. WTF.... How can the Dr leave at 1:30 if my appt was for 1pm.... She then tells me that he is only there from 1 to 1:30. WHAT!!!!!!!!!! No where on my appt letter does it state anything like that.. HOW can a DR only see patients for a hf hr??? SO I tell her "I spoke to YOU and let you know my situation and YOU told me to come in!!! Now you are saying that I came out here almost having an panic attack with my kids ALONE! and you are telling me I can not be seen..... I broke down and much to my dissapointment I started getting hysterical crying right there! I tried to compose myself but I was just soooo sick of it all! Sick of feeling like a fucking invalid and sick of having to go to these bullshit DRS!! SO they are just looking at me .. and I listening to both of the tellling one another.."Well do you want to go in and ask him if will see her??? ANd the other one says "WELL I dont feel like getting yelled at today so I am not going in.... They keep on saying this over and over! I couldnt fucking believe it! I am still trying to calm down and I tell Listen whatever just give me another appt I just want to get out of here.....I couldnt stop crying no matter how hard I tried... I was embarrassed as well because there were other people there. I was ashamed because I let these people get to me like this.. AND I was pissed because here I am crying like this in front of my kids!
So I asked for a bathroom and I took the kids and went in there and calmed myself down! When I came out the freaking stupid &^*%$# tells me that the Dr is willing to see me..... AFTER ALLTHIS! SO I go back there expecting to see this arrogant young idiotic DR and what do I see a freaking old monkey looking man!! This is who they are scared of?????? MY GOD! He looked like he needed to be in a nursing home thats how old he was... 10 Mins later I am out of there... ALL THAT DRAMA for a 10 minute session! AND he was a Cardiologist... Thats how much he cares about his patients that he would turn them away... So I need to get an ECHO done and a 24 Hr heart monitor... WHICH I already had done. They just keep on repeating the same shit over and over... I am DONE! I am sick of letting this crap hold me back! I cant work, I cant have fun, I can do anything!
WOW I know this is a lonnnnng entry I do apologize!
I am also soo sick of this heat!!! It is soo hot and humid out here.. Not to mention the day before yesterday we had a mini TORNADO out here in NY. The lightening and thunder were soooo loud and BAD! The rain was just crazy.. I didnt even look out the window but I heard that trees were down and even the subway service was down for the entire morning till 3 pm!! Thats crazy! My electric bill came out to 213.00 this month..ONE MONTHS BILL and I dont even have a big apt... But I need the AC on all day because I can not stand the heat makes me feel worse than I already felt. I am so ready for winter.. I am thinking about moving to where it is COLD all yr round!
Well I will end this now.... If you read all of this THANK YOU for hanging in there and hearing me out! I so needed to vent ... My Chest was hurting because of how much I was soo frustrated. Hope all of you ladies are hanging in there and all of you are doing well! I have been reading and commenting every now and then when I am not stressing over PSP LOL.... If anyone has tutorials that they can email me I will be soooo HAPPY!
LOVE & HUGS to ALL!
3 comments:
oh...what a day...sending hugs
Becky
stay tough:) sending you lots of hugs from Colorado
Deb
You know everytime I read an entry from you, I realize how much we are alike. 1st off, your husband or b/f, apparently is just like mine. He doesn't have a cell phone though so only if he's with someone that does, the I can get ahold of him. But he thinks it's cool to tell me he'll be right back and then 6 hours later he's strolling in at 2am telling me he seen someone he knew from high school and they went to a bar for a couple of beers & pool. But I have to either sneak out when the kids are asleep or be back in an hour or 2 cause he can't watch handle the kids that long. I often think he is cheating. In fact I've had a lady tell me he's cheating on me alot in fact, but I can't bring myself to believe it. I, from experience, would DEFINATLEY say Ben is cheating on you. And I know you'll want to give him the benefit of the doubt but don't, always follow your gut instinct, it won't let you down. I wish I could follow my own advice!! Oh & as far as welfare goes, I hear ya honey. We get foodstamps & medical for the kids. That's it. And trust me people judge you no matter what you say. I could have a job, but the time we would pay for day care & then money for food b/c we would loose our foodstamps, we wouldn't be able to do it! So it's like you are damned if you do & damned if you don't! And I really understand about the doctor thing, I don't have anxiety but one time I took my daughter for her 1 yr. check up and THEY fucked up the date & time b/c I had the card they wrote it down on and when I checked in they told me I was supposed to be there the day before and they wouldn't see her either. Plus since that was the 3rd time I missed an appointment they told me they would be sending a certified letter stating that they could no longer see either of my children as patients!! That had me hysterical and in tears just that same way you were. It's amazing how much we have in common!
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