Post Thanksgiving Day Thoughts(some adult language)

Well Thanksgiving is officially over and now it's time to get ready for CHRISTMAS. Yep its that time of the yr again where we spend ALL our money on gifts and then go home and regret spending all that money on gifts that people will probably regift anyway LOL...

I speak from experience , it always happens to me. I spend hrs and hrs trying to decide what to get each person. Its grueling!! Only to finally get what I consider the "perfect gift". So happens that I find out that that person didnt think it was the perfect gift for them. Hey don't get me wrong NOT everybody in my family does this but the majority of them do LOL.... AND I don't get cheap stuff... I prob spend about 30 to 40 dollars on each person!

This yr I will go cheap and maybe they'll appreciate it more ..Whadda ya think?? :))))

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day.  My day was pretty good.  I woke up about 11:00 and then I got my family ready to go to my mom's house.

Once there I helped my mother with dinner. I made the Ham, and the stuffing ...I know it's not too much but at least I did something... My mother made the Turkey, Potatoes, Rice, Sweet Yams, Salad, Cranberry(well she didn't make it she served it).. We also had something that we call "Pastelles"... It is a Hispanic dish.. Very good!... I brought Dutch Apple Pie and Pumpkin Pie(no I did not make it actually Sara Lee did LOL and it was delicious!!)

We stuffed ourselves, after thanking God for all our blessings.  After Dinner we were all feeling lazy so we watched a movie(Reign over me) with Adam Sandler. It was pretty good but I didn't like the ending. Left you wanting more.

It was a nice and relaxful Thanksgiving. We all joked around and had a good time.  We came home early because Ben had to be up by 3:00am to be at work by 4:30am. After today was the BIG Black Friday. He just got home about an hr ago(10:30pm). I did not rack up on any Black Friday sales. I did not feel like getting pushed and shoved or even trampled at 5:00am. I dont care how great the sales are!!

Today I went to pick up my glasses and I officially look like a dweeb LOL. I have the Sally Jessie Raphael glasses(you guys do remember her huh??) Ohh well at least I am unique LOL....

I was annoyed at Ben yesterday.. Once again he puts me in a uncomfortable position in front of his family. Let me explain.

Basically he has this younger brother(about 24) who has a girlfriend and 2 lil girls. Now this girl is not the best of girlfriends or moms. She is very immature. But we all dealt with her because this was who he chose to start a family with. Anyway since they have been together they have bounced from house to house with the 2 babies.(I'm sure I have an entry about them in my archives) They stayed with me numerous times because I felt bad for them and I tried to put myself in their shoes. She is lazy. Anyway since they have been together they have stayed with is maybe more than 20 different times. Mind you we have 3 kids and only 2 bedrooms. I dealt with it.

The last time they stood with us I finally had to let her know that I could not have her with me anymore because she had 2 babies and it was not very comfortable for me and my family and frankly I just wanted my home back. She was upset but they  finally moved upstate with her mother. They got into a big problem with the mother and they had to leave the mothers house. Once again they were looking for a place to stay. His cousin took them in ....while staying with the cousin I dont know how or why it happened but it ended up they she cheated on him. She told him that she needed space and that she was too stressed out with all their situations. MIND you he left 2 good jobs for her!! He left 2 apts that they were renting for her because she couldnt deal with the baby alone(she wanted to stay with her mother) She can never just stay in one place. So she left him for 2 weeks. During that time as you can imagine he was very upset. He called us and his mom to tell us what happened. Naturally we were all upset!! We told him she wasnt worth his time anyway. We felt that this was the best thing that could have happened to him. BUT he wasin love and he did what most people in love do he took her back... I said after everything she did while here(and there is many things but too much to go into) and after what she did to him I didnt want to be around her anymore. I told Ben that she was no longer welcome in my house. I understood why his brother got back with her..but that it didnt mean that we all had to deal with her anymore. Ben agreed.

Fast forward to yesterday. They came down here to visit his mother... I specifically told Ben "Do not invite them here".... Next thing you know I see Ben going outside to open the door. I asked him what he was doing and he caught an attitude because I was asking questions.... I once again reminded him that I did not want her here... He replied that she wasnt coming down just his brother was.. Fine whatever.

Next thing you know I hear knocking at my door... I open it and lo and behold, who's there... ALL of them... His brother, the girlfriend and the 2 kids... Do you know how annoyed I was???? But I ate it.... Because I didnt want to be rude.... At first I didnt say one word to her for over a hf hr. I had my back to her while on th computer.... Eventually though I felt uncomfortable because I do not like to be rude... It's just not in my character. SO I talked to her.... she talked back...

They were here for about 2 hrs..Babies running around, making a mess and here it is 10pm and they seem to have no intentions of leaving... I am getting a bit worried here. I am getting a bad feeling. At about 10:30 I see his brother pull Ben aside and I hear them whispering.... I already know what its about..... I am dreading every min that passes by.. Ben comes back into the living room and has the audacity to ask me if I mind that she stay up here with one of the kids because there was only room for his brother and 1 kid in his mom's house... WTF you I freaking mind..How dare you even ask me this and to top it off in front of them??.... Am I supposed to be a Bitch and say UMMM yes I do freaking mind???? I stood shut for a min and then I say "Well you know there is no room here. We do not have the bunkbeds anymore. Instead of Ben saying "yea thats true he goes on to say "Well she can sleep on Kaitlyn's bed(our daughter).... I look at him and if looks can kill he would be dead. I say "Well where is Kaitlyn supposed to sleep?? Again he says "Well she can sleep in the boy's bed or with us.... This freaking guy... I dont say anything after that.

Time goes by and I guess they are waiting for me to say yes or no. I am not going to say anything... If she is going to stay then whatever. Finally at 11 something Ben says Well I have to go to bed, ... Her and his brother go over by the door and start whispering. Finally the brother says I'll be back I am going to go ask Moms something... Ben asks her what that was all about. She comes out and says that he went down to see where they could all sleep in his moms house.  Ben says but why you know ya'll all cant fit down there.. She comes out and says "Well it doesnt matter.. I dont want to stay where I am going to have problems.

Basically I think she got upset because I didnt say yes or no. Frankly I dont freaking care... You just dont come up somewhere, say you going to go back home the same day and then end up staying and then expect everybody to just accept you in. I've done it many times before and thats it.

So they all slept downstairs.  I dont how but I dont care. Some of you may think that I am mean but I am really not, just fed up that I always have to eat my words.

Today I brought it up to Ben and it was turning into an argument. He says that I only think its my house... UMMM no its both of our house.. But he should respect the decisions that I make. I've never ever said NO until yesterday. WHY should I have to accept them and give up MY kids beds?? He didnt want to hear none of what I was saying.....Thats what I hate that he can never see where I'm coming from. I told him off and then we hanged up. When he got home I didnt mention it but the next time he pulls this shit I am going to be a bitch and say NO to each and everyone of them. Poll about this at end of entry.... Be honest!

 

Wow this turned into a long entry... I am going to end this with sharing some pics of my dorky glasses LOL..... Hate the glare of the computer monitor... Webcam is on top of it and I didnt feel like getting the digicam LOL

What do ya'll think of my glasses??? LOL HONEST NOW

 

Random and Rambling Thoughts...

Hello All,

Everything is fine over here I guess.

I am feeling better than I was 2 weeks ago but I still do not feel 100 percent myself. 

I am a lil worried right now because it was about 2 weeks ago that I got the "procedure" done. Well the first 2 days I didn't bleed but then the next day I started bleeding. It was nothing heavy. Then it stopped after about 3 days. What worries me now is that it started again, nothing heavy just light but why after 2 weeks am I still bleeding?

I haven't called a Dr. or gone to the ER because its not heavy(I dont even fill up a pad) but I am worried why its still coming down.

These past couple of days I have been sort of sad and regretful about my decision. I think about how it may have looked, I think about hugging and kissing it and I feel so sad. I believe I made the right decision but what if I was meant to have another child?

Lately I have been getting anxiety attacks(not panic attacks) yes they are different. I have been feeling light headed and just overall thinking that something is going to happen. The other day I started to cry in the bathroom and I asked God "Why me? What did I do that was soo wrong that I have to spend my days feeling like this?? When will I wake up and be "normal"? or should I say feel "normal".

I just feel like a bad mother and wife at times. Everybody tells me that I am not, but how am I not if I can't even enjoy and do the simple things such as take a walk to the park or even laugh at a joke without thinking that this is the day that something is going to happen to me.  I don't know if there is anyone out there who understands what I am going through but I wish that I could meet at least one person who can tell  me that they tell go though this and that I am not alone.  I'm always thinking that I am sick, like heart disease(I am only 29) or diabetes, all kinds of things. To go through all the illnessess that I think that I have we'll be here forever.

I went to the Eye DR the other day and I finally got my glasses. My vision is not bad I just need them to read, watch TV or to be on the computer. Maybe thats where all the headaches and light headness is coming from.

Today I went SHOPPING, but not for me "SIGH". I bought sons a new pair of sneakers. I swear these kids do not know how to take care of their sneakers. They just got a pair in Sept and they needed a new pair already! I WILL not buy white sneakers anymore! From now on its black. These sneakers are not CHEAP. They ranged in price from 65.00 to 100.00 for my 11 yr old. I finally settled on a pair that cost me 65.00. My 9 yr old wasnt too bad. He got a pair that cost 45.00 and then for my daughter I bought a pair of black boots that were 25.00. Nothing for me but I did manage to get Ben to give me some money to get my hair done yesterday. It cost me 30.00. I got it washed and blown dry. I cant believe how long my hair looks when its straight. I love the way it looks right now. I may post some pics to show it off LOL.

My children all got their first semester report cards, They all did good, except my middle son needs some extra help with math, science and social studies.  I bought him some workbooks that we can do together.

Let's see, what else is new here???? HMMM Has anyone even started their xmas shopping yet??

Well if you haven't then join my club LOL, I have not even begun. I do not know what I am going to get for my list of people. I always say tthat I am going to start early and always end up doing it 2 weeks before xmas. Its just so overwhelming LOL... What the heck do we get people??  At least I dont have too many people to get. Yea I am getting stingy this yr LOL, Hey I can't afford to get gifts for people only to have them give them to other people. Yes this has happened to me....  so why not keep my money in my pocketbook?

Thanksgiving is coming and I have no IDEA what we are going to do. My mother can not make up her mind about whether or not she wants to stay home and cook or go to her sister's house.I will not go to my aunt's house so if my mom goes over there I dont know what I will do. I guess I will just stay home and make my own dinner for my lil family.

Well the wedding is still on. We are still looking to do it on Aug, 8th, 2008. Funny thing is I haven't started planning anything. I was looking for dresses but once I found out that I was pregnant I stopped. I have to get on the ball again because sooner than you know its going to be summer again. Time goes by so fast.  I have been going to church every Sunday and I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel so much better knowing that I am closer to God.

OHH before I forget I went to the GYN this Tuesday that just passed. I wanted to go ASAP because I have not had a pap smear in 7 yrs. I just wanted to make sure that I do not have cervical cancer. They were really good. She did the pap smear, took some blood and even did a sonogram just to make sure that my uterus and cervix were back to normal since I had that "procedure" done.  She said everything looked great. She did not see anything on my cervix, (I still need to wait for the pap results) BUT she told me something that BLEW my mind.. I can not share this right now because I have to know for certain. I will know for sure by not this Tuesday but the following. I will just say that this is something that could potentially break up my relationship.

I pray its nothing because I know Ben loves me... but what  does love have to do with anything nowadays??? Just because you love somebody it doesn't mean that you can not be stupid and do stupid shit,... you do it and then regret it later. Let me not jump the gun here.  I dont want you guys to jump the gun either... I am not saying that Ben cheated on me..... AHH lets get of this topic because I might just be confusing you guys.

I just needed to get that off my chest...this is my journal and I try to be as honest as I possibly can in here. I just write whats going through my head at the moment. It might make sense and it might not LOL.

Summer has come to an end and so has all the drama that was going on with my "so called" friends. Everyone has calmed down. No one is knocking on my door everyday to tell me BS about one another.. I am just sticking to myself and not paying mind to whatever is going on outside my house. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with the immature "she said, she said".

Ok, I think this is enough for now..... I am going to bed.

Ohh yea, what keeps my sane is my new hobby... PSP LOL.

If you haven't seen my new tag journal go check it out. Its called *Simply Gorjuss Creations*. I am having so much fun with it.

Well that's all for now FOLKS...

Goodnight all!

Hugs to all of YA'll!!!!

Steph

 

aoljurlAdd, aoljurlAdd_1

All I need is one wish that's all I'm asking for!

         

Thank you my dear friends for the comments and support ya'll gave me.. I am starting to feel like myself again. The only thing I am now feeling is a constant worry that something is going to happen to me. This is part of the anxiety I know.... I am still sad over what I did, especially that now I am finding out that some people I know are pregnant. This hurts me so much but deep inside I think I made the right decision for myself and my family.

 

All I want is one wish of mine to come true, thats all I need.... My wish is that this anxiety would be gone and I could live my life normal like any other person. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that today might be the day that I am going to die, or that I am sick and I am going to have to go to the hospital. I want to be free of worries and all anxieties. Will this ever come true?? I pray so.

 

Yesterday I started getting the wanting to make tags back... Its slowly creeping up on me. I went to the CILM and AMI websites to see if I can purchase some tubes and a license, but it just confuses me LOL... I dont know how to do it.. I dont know what is the difference in purchasing images or tubes.  The ones I really want are from Susan Woolcott, I just love her work! I just need to figure  out how to purchase them.

 

Today there is no school, so my brats are home.. Hopefully they act like lil angels today. Though I highly doubt it.

So who is getting ready for Christmas?? This year I vowed to start early so that I dont get caught doing last last minute shopping like every other yr. I love this time of yr. I love the cold and the spirit of the holidays! Hopefully this can help being me out of the funk that I am in.

 

I am worried about my lil sister. She is 17 yrs old and recently went to the GYN. They did the normal PAP smear. It came back abnormal. So they had her go in for additional testing where they took a piece of her cervix. Yesterday the receptionist form the DR"S office called her and told her that that something showed up and that she need more extensive testing. What got me mad was that she said she couldnt explain what she meant! She said she wasnt even supposed to tell my sister anything but that she wanted to warn her. What the fuck was the sense of telling a half ass reason?? So I called them pretending to be my mother but they said they couldnt give me any explanations over the phone.. IDIOTS! So now my we are all worried and my sister was crying because she says why did this have to happen to her.. She has to go in tomorrow. My mother is going to go in with her and demand that they tell her what the hell is going on. I understand the whole confidentiality stuff but if my sister wants my mom to know then what the hell is the big deal.

In a way this whole protection of tteenage girls is ridiculous. Do yoou know how many teenage girls were in the abortion clinic that day!! It is a shame that such a procedure can be done without a parent knowing. What if something were to happen to her??? What if there were complications?  I don't know!

 

I just pray that everything is ok with my baby sister! She doesnt need to go through this at such a young age.

Well I guess this is it for now.

 

Love to all of you!

Steph

Why must things get so difficult??

 

I know it's been awhile since I last made an entry.... I need to get a lot of things off my chest and this is the only place I can turn to for now.

 

First off I want to apologize to those who made requests in my Tag journal that I have not fulfilled as of yet. I have been going through so much that I do not have it in me right now to be creative. I'm sorry. Hopefully I will be back at it soon but for now its on hold.

 

I think I mentioned in one of the journals that I was pregnant. I had so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy, Happiness, Sadness, fear, and others that at this time are hard to explain. Ben and I had made a choice that we were going to have the baby and deal with whatever was thrown our way. Part of me did not want to have another child for the simple fact that I am not one who likes change and for another I was scared that what happened to me after having my daughter would happen again.  First let me explain what I mean when I say I don't like change..... Right now we have 3 children and I am comfortable with that. It is hard and sometimes it can get very tiring at times but I am used to it.... to have another child would almost be like disrupting what we already have and the way things are. To have to start all over again with a baby is something that I wasn't sure that I was ready to do.... I don't know if anyone can understand what I am trying to say here.

 

The decision to have the baby was mostly for Ben, who I know always wanted another child. I love him to death and I didn't want to take away something that I knew he was looking forward to. So that was that... BUT then I got sick... I mean SICK in a very bad way. I could NOT keep anything down, no water, no juice or anything solid. Even if I had nothing in my stomach was empty I still threw up. If that wasn't bad enough I had the worst burning sensation in my Stomach. I felt like my stomach was on fire! That was the worst part. I could not sleep or do anything but cry. After awhile I got so weak that I wasn't able to care for my kids the way that I wanted to. I had my mother in law and neighbor take them to school twice for me but how long could I depend on them??

I felt like a failure and a burden to everybody.... Finally I had enough, as much as I hate the hospital I decided to go. I was there from 5pm till 2am..... They had me on IV, and the gave me meds to stop the vomiting and burning. They said that I had ketones in my urine which was a sign of starvation.  They said I might need to be admitted.. I did not want to stay there at all.

 

The meds worked for awhile but after they wore off everything came back. They wanted to start me off on more meds but I refused. I mean what is the sense if it is just going to come back.... So I went home miserable. I was given an ultrasound but she didnt even tell me how far along I was, she said she just wanted to see if there was a heartbeat which there was.

 

That night I started to think...... Did I really want to go through with this??? How was I going to be a mother to my other kids if I couldnt even take care of myself?? Could I even survive going on like this until this sickenss went away... I felt torn... I wanted this for Ben but I didnt want this for me... How do I tell him,?? What do I do??

Do I sacrifice my health again?? God please guide me to make the right decision. I prayed for God's guideness over and over again... I prayed that I feel better....

 

Monday came and I just couldnt anymore. I spent my days crying and throwing up. I hated knowing that my kids seen me like this. I hated knowing that I had to count on Ben for everything. He would go to work and have to come home and do all that I couldnt. I stopped talking to friends and going online because I was too sick. When Ben came home that night I asked him , How would he feel if I didnt go through with this pregnancy. I told him I didnt want to hurt, that it tore me up to know that I had to break his heart.. I apologized to him over and over... He told me that he was Ok with whatever decision I made. He said that all he wanted was for me to be myself again.... God this was soooooo hard.... I can not tell you guys how much pain I was in to have to make a decsion like the one that I was going to have to make...

 

I prayed again and asked God to forgive me for even thinking about doing this. I prayed again for guidance. I prayed for the strength to make the right decision for my family and myself.

That night I made the decision that if I was going to be a good mother to my 3 kids, as well as for myself  I was not going to go through with the pregnancy.

 

I know alot of you are not going to agree with my decision but I have no one to ask for forgiveness but the Lord himself! I do not want to hear anyone's comments bashing me for the decision that I made! I feel bad already as it is.

So a few days later I went and got it done.... Most difficult time anyone woman will ever have to go through... Even at the clinic I sat and agonized over my decision. I asked Ben again and again if he was Ok. I was soo scared.... Not only was I still sick but I was terrified of the consequences of having an abortion as well as the Sin that I was committing. I felt guilty!

I was given an ultrasound, of course I did not look at the screen. I was 8 weeks.... I dont think I would have made it another month with how sick I was. I had told myself that if I was further along let's say 10- 12 weeks I would have kept it.

 

It was the most terrible experience and I was glad to be out  of there! I will not go into details because I know some people are not ok with it.

It is now about 4 days later and I feel myself getting depressed... DiD I make the wrong choice??? Not only that but I am so scared of the side effects of getting an abortion done.  I am scared of infection or hemeraging(Sp) ..... There are comments that have been said that make me feel even guiltier...

 

I still feel like a failure and a burden.... I feel like I do not do anything..... People say that I am not doing anything with myself... this coming from someone who was suppoesed to be a friend!  She says I am lazy or at least thats what I got from the comment she made.... Even though I do whatever it takes to make sure my household is running as is. I am not going to say that I do EVERYTHING but I do what I have to do. Just because I dont work why is it that people judge me because of that.... Shit live a day in my life and see how my life is! 

 

I went to church today and I prayed for forgiveness. I felt like I didnt belong in church after what I did. 

 

I just dont know .... Why is there always an obstacle to overcome in my life?? What am I doing wrong that I can never be happy??

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever make everyone else who judge me happy? Will people ever accept me for me?? Will I ever be somebody in other peoples eyes?? Why do I even care??

 

When will my life be normal?? When will I stop thinking of the worst and think of good things?? Am I feeling sorry for myself or am I right to feel the way I do?? Are people right in the way they view me??

Do I need to get a job?? Am I lazy?

So many questions and all the time the same answers... No. Never, I don't know......

 

I am grateful to be alive , then why do I always worry that I am going to die tomorrow?

 

Why do I push away the people who are there for me??

 

I know that I do not want anymore children and I am now looking into getting my tubes cut. Thats it. I told him Ben that it is ok if he wants to leave because I know he wants more children. Remember he only has 1 child.... He said he was not going anywhere but who knows how he is going to feel in the future.

If I could I would but my body can not handle anymore pregnancies.

 

Well I am going to go now.... I hope and pray that everything will be ok, So please pray for my family...

 

I hope everyone is well,.... You guys are in my thoughts.... I will be around your places soon.

Love,

Stephanie