Hello All,
Everything is fine over here I guess.
I am feeling better than I was 2 weeks ago but I still do not feel 100 percent myself.
I am a lil worried right now because it was about 2 weeks ago that I got the "procedure" done. Well the first 2 days I didn't bleed but then the next day I started bleeding. It was nothing heavy. Then it stopped after about 3 days. What worries me now is that it started again, nothing heavy just light but why after 2 weeks am I still bleeding?
I haven't called a Dr. or gone to the ER because its not heavy(I dont even fill up a pad) but I am worried why its still coming down.
These past couple of days I have been sort of sad and regretful about my decision. I think about how it may have looked, I think about hugging and kissing it and I feel so sad. I believe I made the right decision but what if I was meant to have another child?
Lately I have been getting anxiety attacks(not panic attacks) yes they are different. I have been feeling light headed and just overall thinking that something is going to happen. The other day I started to cry in the bathroom and I asked God "Why me? What did I do that was soo wrong that I have to spend my days feeling like this?? When will I wake up and be "normal"? or should I say feel "normal".
I just feel like a bad mother and wife at times. Everybody tells me that I am not, but how am I not if I can't even enjoy and do the simple things such as take a walk to the park or even laugh at a joke without thinking that this is the day that something is going to happen to me. I don't know if there is anyone out there who understands what I am going through but I wish that I could meet at least one person who can tell me that they tell go though this and that I am not alone. I'm always thinking that I am sick, like heart disease(I am only 29) or diabetes, all kinds of things. To go through all the illnessess that I think that I have we'll be here forever.
I went to the Eye DR the other day and I finally got my glasses. My vision is not bad I just need them to read, watch TV or to be on the computer. Maybe thats where all the headaches and light headness is coming from.
Today I went SHOPPING, but not for me "SIGH". I bought sons a new pair of sneakers. I swear these kids do not know how to take care of their sneakers. They just got a pair in Sept and they needed a new pair already! I WILL not buy white sneakers anymore! From now on its black. These sneakers are not CHEAP. They ranged in price from 65.00 to 100.00 for my 11 yr old. I finally settled on a pair that cost me 65.00. My 9 yr old wasnt too bad. He got a pair that cost 45.00 and then for my daughter I bought a pair of black boots that were 25.00. Nothing for me but I did manage to get Ben to give me some money to get my hair done yesterday. It cost me 30.00. I got it washed and blown dry. I cant believe how long my hair looks when its straight. I love the way it looks right now. I may post some pics to show it off LOL.
My children all got their first semester report cards, They all did good, except my middle son needs some extra help with math, science and social studies. I bought him some workbooks that we can do together.
Let's see, what else is new here???? HMMM Has anyone even started their xmas shopping yet??
Well if you haven't then join my club LOL, I have not even begun. I do not know what I am going to get for my list of people. I always say tthat I am going to start early and always end up doing it 2 weeks before xmas. Its just so overwhelming LOL... What the heck do we get people?? At least I dont have too many people to get. Yea I am getting stingy this yr LOL, Hey I can't afford to get gifts for people only to have them give them to other people. Yes this has happened to me.... so why not keep my money in my pocketbook?
Thanksgiving is coming and I have no IDEA what we are going to do. My mother can not make up her mind about whether or not she wants to stay home and cook or go to her sister's house.I will not go to my aunt's house so if my mom goes over there I dont know what I will do. I guess I will just stay home and make my own dinner for my lil family.
Well the wedding is still on. We are still looking to do it on Aug, 8th, 2008. Funny thing is I haven't started planning anything. I was looking for dresses but once I found out that I was pregnant I stopped. I have to get on the ball again because sooner than you know its going to be summer again. Time goes by so fast. I have been going to church every Sunday and I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel so much better knowing that I am closer to God.
OHH before I forget I went to the GYN this Tuesday that just passed. I wanted to go ASAP because I have not had a pap smear in 7 yrs. I just wanted to make sure that I do not have cervical cancer. They were really good. She did the pap smear, took some blood and even did a sonogram just to make sure that my uterus and cervix were back to normal since I had that "procedure" done. She said everything looked great. She did not see anything on my cervix, (I still need to wait for the pap results) BUT she told me something that BLEW my mind.. I can not share this right now because I have to know for certain. I will know for sure by not this Tuesday but the following. I will just say that this is something that could potentially break up my relationship.
I pray its nothing because I know Ben loves me... but what does love have to do with anything nowadays??? Just because you love somebody it doesn't mean that you can not be stupid and do stupid shit,... you do it and then regret it later. Let me not jump the gun here. I dont want you guys to jump the gun either... I am not saying that Ben cheated on me..... AHH lets get of this topic because I might just be confusing you guys.
I just needed to get that off my chest...this is my journal and I try to be as honest as I possibly can in here. I just write whats going through my head at the moment. It might make sense and it might not LOL.
Summer has come to an end and so has all the drama that was going on with my "so called" friends. Everyone has calmed down. No one is knocking on my door everyday to tell me BS about one another.. I am just sticking to myself and not paying mind to whatever is going on outside my house. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with the immature "she said, she said".
Ok, I think this is enough for now..... I am going to bed.
Ohh yea, what keeps my sane is my new hobby... PSP LOL.
If you haven't seen my new tag journal go check it out. Its called *Simply Gorjuss Creations*. I am having so much fun with it.
Well that's all for now FOLKS...
Goodnight all!
Hugs to all of YA'll!!!!
Steph
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