Why must things get so difficult??

 

I know it's been awhile since I last made an entry.... I need to get a lot of things off my chest and this is the only place I can turn to for now.

 

First off I want to apologize to those who made requests in my Tag journal that I have not fulfilled as of yet. I have been going through so much that I do not have it in me right now to be creative. I'm sorry. Hopefully I will be back at it soon but for now its on hold.

 

I think I mentioned in one of the journals that I was pregnant. I had so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy, Happiness, Sadness, fear, and others that at this time are hard to explain. Ben and I had made a choice that we were going to have the baby and deal with whatever was thrown our way. Part of me did not want to have another child for the simple fact that I am not one who likes change and for another I was scared that what happened to me after having my daughter would happen again.  First let me explain what I mean when I say I don't like change..... Right now we have 3 children and I am comfortable with that. It is hard and sometimes it can get very tiring at times but I am used to it.... to have another child would almost be like disrupting what we already have and the way things are. To have to start all over again with a baby is something that I wasn't sure that I was ready to do.... I don't know if anyone can understand what I am trying to say here.

 

The decision to have the baby was mostly for Ben, who I know always wanted another child. I love him to death and I didn't want to take away something that I knew he was looking forward to. So that was that... BUT then I got sick... I mean SICK in a very bad way. I could NOT keep anything down, no water, no juice or anything solid. Even if I had nothing in my stomach was empty I still threw up. If that wasn't bad enough I had the worst burning sensation in my Stomach. I felt like my stomach was on fire! That was the worst part. I could not sleep or do anything but cry. After awhile I got so weak that I wasn't able to care for my kids the way that I wanted to. I had my mother in law and neighbor take them to school twice for me but how long could I depend on them??

I felt like a failure and a burden to everybody.... Finally I had enough, as much as I hate the hospital I decided to go. I was there from 5pm till 2am..... They had me on IV, and the gave me meds to stop the vomiting and burning. They said that I had ketones in my urine which was a sign of starvation.  They said I might need to be admitted.. I did not want to stay there at all.

 

The meds worked for awhile but after they wore off everything came back. They wanted to start me off on more meds but I refused. I mean what is the sense if it is just going to come back.... So I went home miserable. I was given an ultrasound but she didnt even tell me how far along I was, she said she just wanted to see if there was a heartbeat which there was.

 

That night I started to think...... Did I really want to go through with this??? How was I going to be a mother to my other kids if I couldnt even take care of myself?? Could I even survive going on like this until this sickenss went away... I felt torn... I wanted this for Ben but I didnt want this for me... How do I tell him,?? What do I do??

Do I sacrifice my health again?? God please guide me to make the right decision. I prayed for God's guideness over and over again... I prayed that I feel better....

 

Monday came and I just couldnt anymore. I spent my days crying and throwing up. I hated knowing that my kids seen me like this. I hated knowing that I had to count on Ben for everything. He would go to work and have to come home and do all that I couldnt. I stopped talking to friends and going online because I was too sick. When Ben came home that night I asked him , How would he feel if I didnt go through with this pregnancy. I told him I didnt want to hurt, that it tore me up to know that I had to break his heart.. I apologized to him over and over... He told me that he was Ok with whatever decision I made. He said that all he wanted was for me to be myself again.... God this was soooooo hard.... I can not tell you guys how much pain I was in to have to make a decsion like the one that I was going to have to make...

 

I prayed again and asked God to forgive me for even thinking about doing this. I prayed again for guidance. I prayed for the strength to make the right decision for my family and myself.

That night I made the decision that if I was going to be a good mother to my 3 kids, as well as for myself  I was not going to go through with the pregnancy.

 

I know alot of you are not going to agree with my decision but I have no one to ask for forgiveness but the Lord himself! I do not want to hear anyone's comments bashing me for the decision that I made! I feel bad already as it is.

So a few days later I went and got it done.... Most difficult time anyone woman will ever have to go through... Even at the clinic I sat and agonized over my decision. I asked Ben again and again if he was Ok. I was soo scared.... Not only was I still sick but I was terrified of the consequences of having an abortion as well as the Sin that I was committing. I felt guilty!

I was given an ultrasound, of course I did not look at the screen. I was 8 weeks.... I dont think I would have made it another month with how sick I was. I had told myself that if I was further along let's say 10- 12 weeks I would have kept it.

 

It was the most terrible experience and I was glad to be out  of there! I will not go into details because I know some people are not ok with it.

It is now about 4 days later and I feel myself getting depressed... DiD I make the wrong choice??? Not only that but I am so scared of the side effects of getting an abortion done.  I am scared of infection or hemeraging(Sp) ..... There are comments that have been said that make me feel even guiltier...

 

I still feel like a failure and a burden.... I feel like I do not do anything..... People say that I am not doing anything with myself... this coming from someone who was suppoesed to be a friend!  She says I am lazy or at least thats what I got from the comment she made.... Even though I do whatever it takes to make sure my household is running as is. I am not going to say that I do EVERYTHING but I do what I have to do. Just because I dont work why is it that people judge me because of that.... Shit live a day in my life and see how my life is! 

 

I went to church today and I prayed for forgiveness. I felt like I didnt belong in church after what I did. 

 

I just dont know .... Why is there always an obstacle to overcome in my life?? What am I doing wrong that I can never be happy??

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever make everyone else who judge me happy? Will people ever accept me for me?? Will I ever be somebody in other peoples eyes?? Why do I even care??

 

When will my life be normal?? When will I stop thinking of the worst and think of good things?? Am I feeling sorry for myself or am I right to feel the way I do?? Are people right in the way they view me??

Do I need to get a job?? Am I lazy?

So many questions and all the time the same answers... No. Never, I don't know......

 

I am grateful to be alive , then why do I always worry that I am going to die tomorrow?

 

Why do I push away the people who are there for me??

 

I know that I do not want anymore children and I am now looking into getting my tubes cut. Thats it. I told him Ben that it is ok if he wants to leave because I know he wants more children. Remember he only has 1 child.... He said he was not going anywhere but who knows how he is going to feel in the future.

If I could I would but my body can not handle anymore pregnancies.

 

Well I am going to go now.... I hope and pray that everything will be ok, So please pray for my family...

 

I hope everyone is well,.... You guys are in my thoughts.... I will be around your places soon.

Love,

Stephanie