Day after Xmas...

                    

Hello Everyone,

So it's the day after Xmas how did everyone enjoy theirs? I hope all my J-land friends all got exactly what it was they wished for!

My Xmas was simple yet sweet. We all decided to go to my bro's house who lives in Long Island. It was a long ride on the LIRR but eventually we got there and everything was fine. We spent the night over there. My mom cooked us all a great dinner. She cooked all that food by herself! I was proud of her. After that we watched Harry Potter(The Order of the Phoenix)..... Well actually the kids watched it because us adults were too busy making jokes LOL... Everybody had a joke to say about Ben and I because we are in LOVE LOL.... Hey its not my fault everybody doesn't share what we do LOL...

Ben had a few drinks so you know he was happy... After awhile everybody started to wind down and one by one they went to bed LOL... Ben and I stood up watching the Christmas Mass together.

The next morning the kids woke up early(figures) I did not want to get up... But eventually I had no choice as I had 3 kids jumping on my back LOL..... My kids really didn't have too much to open since I only took one gift each from home. I had told them all month long that Santa was not bringing them anything since they didn't know how to behave. So as you can imagine they were a lil disapointed. But I must say that they weren't as upset as I thought they would be. I guess they knew that they really didn't deserve anything.

We had breakfast... and then I started getting them ready so that we could catch the LIRR home. I wanted to get home early so that we could just spend time just us, before Ben had to go to work the next day.

Little did my kids know that Ben and I had a surprise for them at home. When we got here we acted like normal. We ate dinner and then I told them to go clean their rooms. While they were doing that Ben and I took down and separated all their gifts. We then called them and acted like they were in trouble. When they walked into the kitchen they were shocked! LOL.... Needless to say they were very very happy! They loved what they got!. In fact so much so that they have not gotten all my nerves as of yet LOL...Too busy playing with their new stuff.

 

Well that was my Xmas. I was happy just seeing my kids and family happy. Today I am going to pamper myself LOL... I am going to go get a mani and pedi done. Then after that I am going to get my eyebrows waxed(ouch!) The things we go thru to look pretty huh?

Well that's about it for now.. I am going to go get ready...

Until next time......

 

Steph

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Hello Everyone,

Is any still out there???? Where are all my peoples at LOL...??

I miss you guys comments in my Reg journal.

I know I know, no one wants to really comment on mushy emotional rants so hey I dont blame ya'll.

I have a story for you guys today though.

Only in New York can this shit happen, Only in New York. 

Ok so read this, I went out with one of my friends today with the intention of buying my oldest son a new coat. I rarely ever take my cell phone with me, well because I always forget it. Well today I REMEMBERED to take it with me just in case I needed to call my mother in law to ask her to pick up the kids for me.  I get out the car and I start to cross the street. As I am crossing a guy in a car starts beeping his horn repeatedly. Now I never look because usually its a Jackass just trying to get my # or ask me if "I gotta a man?") I'm not trying to be conceited but here in NY even a bum will try to pick you up..SERIOUSLY!! So I continue walking across the street. I get across and I finally turn back to see if my friend is behind me. I glance over to the guy who was beeping his horn and I realize he is frantically trying to tell me something. SO now I am staring at him hard trying to figure out if I know him. It suddenly dawns on me that he is saying "you dropped your phone. I feel over to where my phone is supposed to be, latched on to my purse with a clip and its not there... SO I loook and there is my phone in the middle of the street! So I start to cross back over and just as I step from the sidewalk on to the street another car literally stops in traffic and a guy jumps out the car, runs over to where my phone is laying PICKS IT UP and then runs over to his car and then the driver drives OFF!!! I was shocked!!! I cannot believe this asshole did that. I have lived in NY all my life and NEVER have I seen something like this happen. The guy had a big ole' smile as if he had just found $10,000. Its a fucking phone for pete's sake!!

 My shock then turned into extreme anger!! I thought to chase down this car but I would never make it. Where are the Police when you actually need one???

I start to curse and I said somethings that I am ashamed of now. Stuff l ike it had to be a black guy... Had it been a white person he would have picked it up and gave it to me. NO you guys I am not prejudiced(and I hope no one is offended) but when you are mad you tend to say things you later regret. I dont regret cursing him ass out but I do regret catergorizing black people.  A typical person would have just handed over the phone. It was a young stupid guy who pprob had no job and no money to buy a phone and he couldnt resist getting something for free.  Fucking ASSHOLE.

I then used my friends phone to try and call my number but the idiot prob figured I would call and he turned it OFF. SO I called Ben and told him to call Sprint and suspend the account and report the phone stolen. So now the guy has a phone that he can basically do nothing with!!! With Sprint you can not use Sim cards , which means that you can not turn the phone into a prepaid phone. He can not activate it under his own contract because it is registered as stolen and no one will activate it.

The only thing that really bothers me is that Ben payed close to $500.00 this past summer to buy me the phone I specifically wanted!! I had the Krazer(SP). We couldnt get it for a discounted price because he did not qualify for a contract because of his credit so we ended up getting a month to month contract and with that we had to purchase our phones outright. So the only thing that this guy can do is try to sell the phone to some unfortunate soul who has no idea that it can not be used.

Now I am cellularless and I am not going to get another phone anytime soon! :(((

So what do you guys think about that??

Then to top it off.... Since I was going in the car with my "friend" I didnt wear my coat, I just put on a lil sweater. Well after the whole shopping trip(which I didnt even find the coat!) I asked her if she can take me to pick up my kids from school. WELLL what she did was drop me off about a block and a half from the school!! So I am walking to school and back freezing my ass off! Got home with a headache because it was soo cold. I should have stood my ass home HUH??

Then everybody wonders why I dont go out LOL. What a day!!

Prolly shouldnt have used the cute gorjuss girl advertising the holidays  for my header ?? LMAO

I couldnt find a mean angry one LOL..... Anyway I need to get into the holiday spirit. Am I the only one who really isnt into it this year???

I dont even feel like buying gifts :GASP: Where is the real Stephanie????

I dont know itjust seems like the holidays came too soon. Add to that the fact that gifts will just over expand our budget in ways that we can not really afford right now. Or maybe its because I have spoiled these kids so bad and now they have everything and what do you get a kid who has everything and doesnt even appreciate it??? I just keep telling myself that I might not even get them anything! I dont even have my Christmas Tree up yet!

And what is this I hear that Jesus wasnt even born on Christmas Day????

I mean Yes America has forgotten what Christmas is supposed to represent. We just think its all about Santa and buying gifts and trees, but really isnt it the day the man who died for us was born?? Shouldnt we be reflecting on that instead of spending our hard earned dollars on things that people prob dont even want.

Then I find out that there an argument going on about people wanting to take the Christ out of Christmas because they say he wasnt even born on this day??? HMMMM whats wrong with this picture?? I mean no one really knows when Jesus Christ was born so why not leave it alone??

And then people wonder why I am not in the holiday spirit! Geeeez are you???

Steph

 

How do I keep going??

What is wrong with me?? Why do I feel this way and why cant I shake this depressing freaking mood?? I am so sick and tired of feeling depressed.  I want to enjoy life, enjoy doing the little things. I want to enjoy spending time with my kids instead of sometimes feeling that I want to be left alone.

I can't do this anymore. How do I keep going on like this? Let me clarify one thing before some take what I'm saying out of perspective. I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT MYSELF!!!

That is my biggest fear DYING and leaving my children in this cruel world to fend for themselves. SO I would never consider hurting myself.. What I am doing is venting thoughts and questions that I ask myself everyday. I want to know how am I  going to fight this depression and get myself out of it.

Every day for the past month I have not been feeling myself. Why do I have to feel like this. Things that I used to enjoy I no longer even want to do. I sometimes wish that I can all alone this way I dont have to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.  I try to shake myself out of it but it neever works. How much more can I take?

Theres so many things to do and there never seems to be enought time. Then when I have the time I am scared to do shit alone... What kind of fool am I? I let stuff pile up because I can not even walk 10 blocks without becoming a nervous wreck.

Old friends are upset at me because they say that I never answer or return their calls. I wish they could understand that its not that I DONT want to talk to them its just I dont have it in me to talk to people unless I really have to. Why cant people just understand that it has nothing to do with them personally?

If you want to call me a bad friend then so be it.. If you don't want to be my friend anymore then dont be I wont hold it against you just know that it never had anything to do with you it was always me. Whenever my "friends" needed a shoulder to cry on I was always there, but now that I need someone to understand me , be there for me without judging me there is noone. I dont want to hear that its all in my mind, I dont want to hear that I need to get out more often, I dont want to hear that I had kids too young and never enjoyed myself... IT IS NONE OF THAT! Its just something that has taken ahold of me and its not letting go. I dont need to go out and party, I would never take back having my kids and its definitely not only in my mind! It is physically, emotionally and mentally draining me.

I try to act as if nothing is wrong for the sake of my kids and Ben. I try to do the every day normal life thing because I am needed, but I am getting tired, very tired. I know I have more than alot of people, I know that I may even be better off than some, so what is wrong with me, Why arent I happy?

People might be thinking "go to a Dr, Get meds, I have been there and done that.. I am currently on Zoloft. I was seeeing a therapist but she did not help me. I recently went to see another one but only went once because I was a chicken shit when it came to taking the bus alone. So I never went back,

I dont want to burden anyone by talking about.I am sure they dont want to hear it. So I keep it all locked inside. I pray to GOd everyday that this crap go away. I ask him to forgive me for whatever I did wrong to deserve this. I live in the hope that one day I will wake up and all this will be gone.

Stress will kill you for sure!! My landlady and I got into it the other day.

Long story short, one of my "friends" called me up and told me that her father had an empty 4 bedroom apt. She wanted to know if I was interested. OF COURSE I was. So I talked to her dad and we set up a date for us to go over there. The day came and we went, we seen the apt, it was huge!! The only downside was that I wasnt too fond of the neighborhood(it was more industrial like) It had all the space we needed! Her parents were like angels sent from above honestly. They were so sweet and respectful. He even lowered the rent for us to $1375(mind you we pay 1325 for a small ass 2 bedroom). We told him we wanted it!!! So I come home call my current landlady and she was none too happy. Her words were" Who amI going to rent your place to? Who am I going to find to rent to right before XMAS?? She then had the AUDACITY to say that she was going to keep half of my security because I wsant giving her a full mnths notice. I was livid!! She was the one who told me if I ever found apt that was good for us she woulsd have no problems breaking the lease, because she cared about me and only wanted the best. OK now that I finally found something good for us, you want to come with this BS?? SO bottom line is I DID NOT take the apt. I can not afford for her to keep half my money. It all got to complicated and finally I said F&^* it. I will never talk to her the same again. She showed her true colors once again. It is all about the money for her. She had the nerve to say that she was glad that we decided not to take the apt because she "heard" that it was in a bad neighborhood and we deserve the best. OHH please spare me the BS... Its not like we live in the f&^$#& Hamptons right now!

Ben and I are not doing so well...(BTW... I went to the DR and and everything is OK , referring to a previous entry) We are having relationship issues and right now I just feel like I do not have the energy to deal with any of it. I am tired of being hurt and taken for granted. All my life that is what I have had to deal with. Not anymore, Call me a Bitch, whatever you want, I owe noone anything. The only ones that I have to worry about are my children.

It seems like the only time I write in this journal is when I am having problems but then again when someone is happy, there isnt as much to write about. I dont expect anyone to read this and care, this is for myself. This is where I let go all frustrations and emotions that I can not let go anywhere else.

I went Xmas shopping yesterday and this is the first time ever that I DID NOT enjoy myself. Usually I love to spend money. Yesterday I just wanted to get it all over and done with. For the stores were SOOO damn packed. I mean you could not walk anywhere without someone bumping into you. For two I had no clue what I wanted to get. You know some people can go shopping and pick up anything and say this is what I am going to give them , if they like they like it if they dont they dont. Not me, of course I have to make it complicated. I have to sit there and worry about whether or not this person will want this. My mother was like who cares, its the thought that counts. Then I worry about is it too cheap?? Finally I just picked up whatever, I payed and I left. If they dont like it well then they can just return it for something else. I didnt want to spend an arm and a leg this yr for something that will prob be in the garbage in a few mnths anyway. My limit was 20.00 a person. Hey, the same way other people like to say "I dont have alot of money for gifts" then I can do it too. I am only getting gifts for Ben's 2 nieces,  my 1 niece, my goddaughter , my mom ,my 2 sisters and my kids THATS IT!! Whoever doesnt like it too bad! Wow I think I am turing into a Scrooge!!

I am sitting here and its getting later and later... I dont want to go to sleep though because tomorrow will just be the same. I have to go to Church tomorrow. We are going to officially be welcomed into that church. It is called the "Rite of Acceptance". For those who are curious I am Catholic.

I am getting baptized, I am doing my Communion and Confirmation all on the Sat before Easter Sun. This is a requirement to be able to get married in a Church.

That is another thing stressing me out. I have not even begun planning this wedding. I dont even know if I still want to go thru with it. Its all too complicated.Maybe now I am the one getting cold feet. "SIGH" Who knows anymore??

Anyway let me get off of here....Goodnight all!

Steph

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