How do I keep going??

What is wrong with me?? Why do I feel this way and why cant I shake this depressing freaking mood?? I am so sick and tired of feeling depressed.  I want to enjoy life, enjoy doing the little things. I want to enjoy spending time with my kids instead of sometimes feeling that I want to be left alone.

I can't do this anymore. How do I keep going on like this? Let me clarify one thing before some take what I'm saying out of perspective. I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT MYSELF!!!

That is my biggest fear DYING and leaving my children in this cruel world to fend for themselves. SO I would never consider hurting myself.. What I am doing is venting thoughts and questions that I ask myself everyday. I want to know how am I  going to fight this depression and get myself out of it.

Every day for the past month I have not been feeling myself. Why do I have to feel like this. Things that I used to enjoy I no longer even want to do. I sometimes wish that I can all alone this way I dont have to talk to anyone or deal with anyone.  I try to shake myself out of it but it neever works. How much more can I take?

Theres so many things to do and there never seems to be enought time. Then when I have the time I am scared to do shit alone... What kind of fool am I? I let stuff pile up because I can not even walk 10 blocks without becoming a nervous wreck.

Old friends are upset at me because they say that I never answer or return their calls. I wish they could understand that its not that I DONT want to talk to them its just I dont have it in me to talk to people unless I really have to. Why cant people just understand that it has nothing to do with them personally?

If you want to call me a bad friend then so be it.. If you don't want to be my friend anymore then dont be I wont hold it against you just know that it never had anything to do with you it was always me. Whenever my "friends" needed a shoulder to cry on I was always there, but now that I need someone to understand me , be there for me without judging me there is noone. I dont want to hear that its all in my mind, I dont want to hear that I need to get out more often, I dont want to hear that I had kids too young and never enjoyed myself... IT IS NONE OF THAT! Its just something that has taken ahold of me and its not letting go. I dont need to go out and party, I would never take back having my kids and its definitely not only in my mind! It is physically, emotionally and mentally draining me.

I try to act as if nothing is wrong for the sake of my kids and Ben. I try to do the every day normal life thing because I am needed, but I am getting tired, very tired. I know I have more than alot of people, I know that I may even be better off than some, so what is wrong with me, Why arent I happy?

People might be thinking "go to a Dr, Get meds, I have been there and done that.. I am currently on Zoloft. I was seeeing a therapist but she did not help me. I recently went to see another one but only went once because I was a chicken shit when it came to taking the bus alone. So I never went back,

I dont want to burden anyone by talking about.I am sure they dont want to hear it. So I keep it all locked inside. I pray to GOd everyday that this crap go away. I ask him to forgive me for whatever I did wrong to deserve this. I live in the hope that one day I will wake up and all this will be gone.

Stress will kill you for sure!! My landlady and I got into it the other day.

Long story short, one of my "friends" called me up and told me that her father had an empty 4 bedroom apt. She wanted to know if I was interested. OF COURSE I was. So I talked to her dad and we set up a date for us to go over there. The day came and we went, we seen the apt, it was huge!! The only downside was that I wasnt too fond of the neighborhood(it was more industrial like) It had all the space we needed! Her parents were like angels sent from above honestly. They were so sweet and respectful. He even lowered the rent for us to $1375(mind you we pay 1325 for a small ass 2 bedroom). We told him we wanted it!!! So I come home call my current landlady and she was none too happy. Her words were" Who amI going to rent your place to? Who am I going to find to rent to right before XMAS?? She then had the AUDACITY to say that she was going to keep half of my security because I wsant giving her a full mnths notice. I was livid!! She was the one who told me if I ever found apt that was good for us she woulsd have no problems breaking the lease, because she cared about me and only wanted the best. OK now that I finally found something good for us, you want to come with this BS?? SO bottom line is I DID NOT take the apt. I can not afford for her to keep half my money. It all got to complicated and finally I said F&^* it. I will never talk to her the same again. She showed her true colors once again. It is all about the money for her. She had the nerve to say that she was glad that we decided not to take the apt because she "heard" that it was in a bad neighborhood and we deserve the best. OHH please spare me the BS... Its not like we live in the f&^$#& Hamptons right now!

Ben and I are not doing so well...(BTW... I went to the DR and and everything is OK , referring to a previous entry) We are having relationship issues and right now I just feel like I do not have the energy to deal with any of it. I am tired of being hurt and taken for granted. All my life that is what I have had to deal with. Not anymore, Call me a Bitch, whatever you want, I owe noone anything. The only ones that I have to worry about are my children.

It seems like the only time I write in this journal is when I am having problems but then again when someone is happy, there isnt as much to write about. I dont expect anyone to read this and care, this is for myself. This is where I let go all frustrations and emotions that I can not let go anywhere else.

I went Xmas shopping yesterday and this is the first time ever that I DID NOT enjoy myself. Usually I love to spend money. Yesterday I just wanted to get it all over and done with. For the stores were SOOO damn packed. I mean you could not walk anywhere without someone bumping into you. For two I had no clue what I wanted to get. You know some people can go shopping and pick up anything and say this is what I am going to give them , if they like they like it if they dont they dont. Not me, of course I have to make it complicated. I have to sit there and worry about whether or not this person will want this. My mother was like who cares, its the thought that counts. Then I worry about is it too cheap?? Finally I just picked up whatever, I payed and I left. If they dont like it well then they can just return it for something else. I didnt want to spend an arm and a leg this yr for something that will prob be in the garbage in a few mnths anyway. My limit was 20.00 a person. Hey, the same way other people like to say "I dont have alot of money for gifts" then I can do it too. I am only getting gifts for Ben's 2 nieces,  my 1 niece, my goddaughter , my mom ,my 2 sisters and my kids THATS IT!! Whoever doesnt like it too bad! Wow I think I am turing into a Scrooge!!

I am sitting here and its getting later and later... I dont want to go to sleep though because tomorrow will just be the same. I have to go to Church tomorrow. We are going to officially be welcomed into that church. It is called the "Rite of Acceptance". For those who are curious I am Catholic.

I am getting baptized, I am doing my Communion and Confirmation all on the Sat before Easter Sun. This is a requirement to be able to get married in a Church.

That is another thing stressing me out. I have not even begun planning this wedding. I dont even know if I still want to go thru with it. Its all too complicated.Maybe now I am the one getting cold feet. "SIGH" Who knows anymore??

Anyway let me get off of here....Goodnight all!

Steph

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