It has become so easy for people to be able to track yoou down online... I NEVER thought that anyone would ever find out about my journal but LO and Behold they have... A couple months ago I had to backtack on every entry and erase some stuff that I had written. I should have left it there for them to read after all it was the truth BUT I am a punk I guess.
Anyway whatever the reason, it is what it is. Those of you who have asked to follow my entries I have sent an invite and hopefully I got everyone. If you know of someone who would like to be added let me know.
Right now I don't know what its wrong with me, Well actually I do know but what I don't know is how to understand why I am feeling like this.
I feel like a piece of shit mom basically. The reason I say this is because recently I have no patience with my kids. I sad to admit that it takes so much for me not to yell at them every minute.. I mean NO I dont yell at them because they are being perfect angels. But they are kids and kids will just do kid shit and why is it that it bothers me soo much.. Every brother and sister fight and argue amonst each other... Mine do a whole lot... I usually try to let them solve it themselves but then they want to hit each other and then thats what I get involved yelling and punishing everyone. Sometimes all they want to do is be on top of me either talking to me or wanting to play a game and to be honest theres times when I dont want to be bothered.... I mean I LOVE LOVE my kids to death, and I would do anything I have to for them, but why is it that I dont want to talk their talk or plaay their games.. I then try to make up for it by giving them whatever they want or letting them get away with certain things. AM I good parent... I dont know...My kids do tend to take advantage of me and they are at the point that they want to talk back to me or stomp their feet, slam doors, yell at me.... They do get punished for this but I will admit that sometimes I am inconsistent with it. I don't want to be yelling at them every minute, I dont want to spank them every minute, I dont want them growing up like I did... Most of my memories of my childhood is of me getting beatings for being disobedient... I swore I would never do that to my kids. But then again now look at them now the way they sometimes act with me. Is this normal kid stuff?... I mean they are good kids otherwise. They do respect other people, they do not curse, they do not run wild... They have manners... they do well in school. Its just at home that when I am alone with them that they want to go nuts. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown one day. I want to be a great mother, I think I am a good mother right nnow, but then why am I questioning myself?
I am tired soooo tired. I dont understand why???? I do nothing all day... Well let me rephrase that.. I do clean up.. I do get kids ready and take them to school... I pick them up and give them something to eat... But other than that I do nothing.. I sleep. I sleep and when I wake I am still tired. WHY??? Ok, at night it takes me forever to fall asleep, but its not like I dont make up for it during the day. Like today after doing what I had to do in the house I went back to sleep... I woke up about 2:00pm ...went and picked up the kids,.... made a quick dinner and now I am tired already... I have no energy to want to do anything. This is not fair to my kids.... I am snappy and cranky.
I am helping with HW... and I am frustrated because I know the answer but I dont know how to explain to my 9 yr old how I got the answer. I am going to start looking for a tutor for him for math. He needs it and I have not the patience for it.
Ben called and I was snappy with him... Why? For no reason.. I am just fucking cranky and I have no idea why. Maybe I am getting my period soon who knows?
I spoke to a friend of mine today, she said that it could depression. Well maybe it is but the only reason I am depressed is because I have this damnn mental shit holding me back. I want my life back. I want to get a job again. I want to go shopping alone again. I want to wake up and feel refreshed and excited for the day ahead of me... Sigh... ......
Tax Season is around the corner... This year I am not filing tax... I didnt work.. So my sister and mother each came up with an idea that they would claim one of my children.. Ben always claims Kaitlyn (as she is his biological child)... Listen to this, my mom says that she is going to claim my oldest.... usually the IRS gives back about 1,500 per child claimed..sooo my mother says that instead of giving me half she is going to give me 500 and keep the rest... her reasoning behind this is because she was the one who worked...UHHH yea but it is my child and without him your ass wouldnt be getting back as much... We should get half and half... She refuses.... Sigh" whatever I dont feel like fighting anymore.. My sister said that if she gets back the 1,500 she will give me 750.00. I believe she will but then again once my mother gets into her ear who knows.
Ben is going to file his on Thurs... We should be good... He is getting his yrly bonus check,plus his income tax. I guess we can finally catch up. We were going to take a weeks vacation just him and I to Puerto Rico but life gets in the way as usual. We have to be in church mandatory on the 10th and then on the 14th my daughter has a show which I want to attend.. his vacation is from the 9th till the 16th... So we'll se maybe we'll go to florida instead for 2 days.
I am also going to redo my apt a lil... I am going to take the boys bedroom (since they no longer want to be lil boys and play with toys) for Ben and myself.. I am then going to restore my living room area back..only this time I am getting a sofa bed for the boys... I think its time that we get on ownroom. We deserve it! At least until we get a bigger apt. I have been looking for one but they are soo damn much.. We have the money for down payments and such but what happens thru out the rest of the year?? 3 bedrooms are going for 1600 or more!
Temptation is something I tell you there is so much more to this sentence but this entry has turned out long enough so I am going to stop right here for now.. I will be back and sooner than you think .. I feel much more comfortable writing my thoughts and feelings down now.
Thank you to those who still care enough to read.
Take Care all
Steph
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Wow it's been a long long time since I wrote in here. I am ashamed of myslef for neglecting my journal this long. I have been busy with a group that I am co-owner to..It's called Deb & Steph's Designs. I am also trying to stay on top of my Tags Journal... Simply Gorjuss Creations.
