It has become so easy for people to be able to track yoou down online... I NEVER thought that anyone would ever find out about my journal but LO and Behold they have... A couple months ago I had to backtack on every entry and erase some stuff that I had written. I should have left it there for them to read after all it was the truth BUT I am a punk I guess.
Anyway whatever the reason, it is what it is. Those of you who have asked to follow my entries I have sent an invite and hopefully I got everyone. If you know of someone who would like to be added let me know.
Right now I don't know what its wrong with me, Well actually I do know but what I don't know is how to understand why I am feeling like this.
I feel like a piece of shit mom basically. The reason I say this is because recently I have no patience with my kids. I sad to admit that it takes so much for me not to yell at them every minute.. I mean NO I dont yell at them because they are being perfect angels. But they are kids and kids will just do kid shit and why is it that it bothers me soo much.. Every brother and sister fight and argue amonst each other... Mine do a whole lot... I usually try to let them solve it themselves but then they want to hit each other and then thats what I get involved yelling and punishing everyone. Sometimes all they want to do is be on top of me either talking to me or wanting to play a game and to be honest theres times when I dont want to be bothered.... I mean I LOVE LOVE my kids to death, and I would do anything I have to for them, but why is it that I dont want to talk their talk or plaay their games.. I then try to make up for it by giving them whatever they want or letting them get away with certain things. AM I good parent... I dont know...My kids do tend to take advantage of me and they are at the point that they want to talk back to me or stomp their feet, slam doors, yell at me.... They do get punished for this but I will admit that sometimes I am inconsistent with it. I don't want to be yelling at them every minute, I dont want to spank them every minute, I dont want them growing up like I did... Most of my memories of my childhood is of me getting beatings for being disobedient... I swore I would never do that to my kids. But then again now look at them now the way they sometimes act with me. Is this normal kid stuff?... I mean they are good kids otherwise. They do respect other people, they do not curse, they do not run wild... They have manners... they do well in school. Its just at home that when I am alone with them that they want to go nuts. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown one day. I want to be a great mother, I think I am a good mother right nnow, but then why am I questioning myself?
I am tired soooo tired. I dont understand why???? I do nothing all day... Well let me rephrase that.. I do clean up.. I do get kids ready and take them to school... I pick them up and give them something to eat... But other than that I do nothing.. I sleep. I sleep and when I wake I am still tired. WHY??? Ok, at night it takes me forever to fall asleep, but its not like I dont make up for it during the day. Like today after doing what I had to do in the house I went back to sleep... I woke up about 2:00pm ...went and picked up the kids,.... made a quick dinner and now I am tired already... I have no energy to want to do anything. This is not fair to my kids.... I am snappy and cranky.
I am helping with HW... and I am frustrated because I know the answer but I dont know how to explain to my 9 yr old how I got the answer. I am going to start looking for a tutor for him for math. He needs it and I have not the patience for it.
Ben called and I was snappy with him... Why? For no reason.. I am just fucking cranky and I have no idea why. Maybe I am getting my period soon who knows?
I spoke to a friend of mine today, she said that it could depression. Well maybe it is but the only reason I am depressed is because I have this damnn mental shit holding me back. I want my life back. I want to get a job again. I want to go shopping alone again. I want to wake up and feel refreshed and excited for the day ahead of me... Sigh... ......
Tax Season is around the corner... This year I am not filing tax... I didnt work.. So my sister and mother each came up with an idea that they would claim one of my children.. Ben always claims Kaitlyn (as she is his biological child)... Listen to this, my mom says that she is going to claim my oldest.... usually the IRS gives back about 1,500 per child claimed..sooo my mother says that instead of giving me half she is going to give me 500 and keep the rest... her reasoning behind this is because she was the one who worked...UHHH yea but it is my child and without him your ass wouldnt be getting back as much... We should get half and half... She refuses.... Sigh" whatever I dont feel like fighting anymore.. My sister said that if she gets back the 1,500 she will give me 750.00. I believe she will but then again once my mother gets into her ear who knows.
Ben is going to file his on Thurs... We should be good... He is getting his yrly bonus check,plus his income tax. I guess we can finally catch up. We were going to take a weeks vacation just him and I to Puerto Rico but life gets in the way as usual. We have to be in church mandatory on the 10th and then on the 14th my daughter has a show which I want to attend.. his vacation is from the 9th till the 16th... So we'll se maybe we'll go to florida instead for 2 days.
I am also going to redo my apt a lil... I am going to take the boys bedroom (since they no longer want to be lil boys and play with toys) for Ben and myself.. I am then going to restore my living room area back..only this time I am getting a sofa bed for the boys... I think its time that we get on ownroom. We deserve it! At least until we get a bigger apt. I have been looking for one but they are soo damn much.. We have the money for down payments and such but what happens thru out the rest of the year?? 3 bedrooms are going for 1600 or more!
Temptation is something I tell you there is so much more to this sentence but this entry has turned out long enough so I am going to stop right here for now.. I will be back and sooner than you think .. I feel much more comfortable writing my thoughts and feelings down now.
Thank you to those who still care enough to read.
Take Care all
Steph
XXXX
11 comments:
thank you for adding me:) have a good hump day:) don't worry about your kids they will be fine. maybe you have depression can you ask the doc?
Deb
Steph,
Thank you for adding me to your private journal. I feel honored to be let in to read your private thoughts. I want to comment to your entry, but prefer to do it in email okay.
Take care, Chrissie
http://journals.aol.com/nay0114/almost-paradise-ii/
I don't think I have this s/n added to my private journal, but I will add it okay. I have your other name on their already.
hi steph thanks for adding me into your private journal. I went private for a lot of the same reasons. who would think people would find our journals. and when i say people meaning the ones who we prefer not to read our thoughts and private things going on in our life.
hang in there with the kids. mommys have hard jobs and people dont realize we all need breaks sometimes.
maybe you can find sometime for yourself after they are asleep and you can take a nice bath or something. ive been trying to do that more and it helps some.
take care
emily
We all struggle with parenthood Steph you are most definitly not alone in that. You need some serious ME time. So wish you were nearer so I could help out. Kids will always push parents to the limit it is part of growing up and finding out who you are, boundaries are there to be pushed at that age but you have obviously done a great job with them if they are polite and well mannered around others. Keep in there girl and if you wanna scream and shout you know where I am.
Debbie
xxxxx
Hi Steph you feelings at the moment sound so like depression ,thank you for adding me to your list of readers you are now on my alerts ..love Jan xx http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeadie05/Serendipity/
how old are your kids? If you are impatient that does not make you a bad mom....my kids are 15 and 19 and i was always impatient but they saw it as a quirk of mine, not a bad thing. You sound like you are depressed.....and if you can, call a doctor and get in and talk about this. They can really help you alot and maybe get you an anxiety pill....you sound more anxious to me than depressed.
HUGS!
lisa
(((Steph))) Honey - it sounds like you definitely need some "me" time, you need to be around others that aren't family, be around REAL people, different people, one's that stimulate your mind. It also sounds a bit like depression ~ I suffer from depression, post traumatic stress disorder and a couple other things and I recognize what you are writing about. As far as your children? Honey, you are human, you are a mom but you are also a individual and need time to yourself. You need to nourish YOU in all ways, spiritually, emotionally, mentally in adult ways, not with children in mind. I hope I don't sound like a know it all... I'm not truly, just a friend that is empathizing with you quite a bit. I hope you have a good day. Hugz, Teresa
Hi Stephanie! Thanks for inviting me to your journal. So sorry you had to go private. I remember being a stay at home mom. Gosh, it was so hard!! I ended up having to seek help. So, if you feel you need to, I would go talk to my doctor. Or even find a therapist to talk all this "crap" out. I think a therapist works well for anyone. They are great. I have had chronic illness and depression for years, and my gosh, my therapist has really helped me through some tough times. I hope this helps. Take care! Hugs, Val xox
http://journals.aol.com/valphish/ThereisaSeason
I went back and cleared some things I had said on mine also-when I found out my kids were reading them..even though I wrote the truth it would have caused some nasty feelings---oh well...yeah we all say when I grow up I'll never yell at or smack my kids -that's until we have them and they get on our last nerve---kids always pull it with mom-I know one thing I did wrong with my youngest-I was her 'pal' and was the 'cool' mom and let her get by with the sassing and doing things the other two didn't do and it caused me more grief than you can imagine--still is--she's 34 -has two kids of her own and uses me and talks to me like I'm trash...sooo lesson learned....
have a great day....
~connie~
Thanks for the invite!
I hope things get better for you....if it is depression...I have been there....your not alone....remember we are always here for ya....
Hugs
Terri
Thanks for the invitation to your journal. I've felt like you are feeling. It was depression with me. I was grumpy all the time, had no patience. Maybe you need to make sure to have some "me" time. Go out shopping with your girlfriend, or get manicures or a pedicure. Just pamper yourself at least once a week. Just a thought. I really hope it gets better for you.
Hugs..Pam
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