Same Shit Different Day

WOW... I actually like my new home!

2008-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

Soo, here I am at blogger now... I acutally like it. I like the fact that I can change my background whenever I feel like it. So far it has been easy to manuever around. Of course I still have some things to figure out but all in due time.

I was able to transfer all my AOL journal entries over here without any problems. I of course had to make my journal public to do the transfer but that is ok. I dont care who reads this anymore. In fact I dont think I will go private again. If any of my family members happen to come across this journal and read something about themselves ....well then that is their fault for being nosy. I am not going to hide just because someone might get their feelings hurt.

No school today again, due to the jewish holiday. Wow it's funny how schools are closed for every jewish holiday yet other than Xmas and Easter its open. Ohh well good thing about it is that I got to sleep in today. I dont work any days that schools are closed including weekends. Thats one of the good things about this job.

Ohh well let me go try to figure out this whole blogger thing. I still have to transfer my tag journal.
Thanks to those who care enough about me to follow me here.
Steph

Part 2

2008-09-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

So the Library closed and I had to leave lol.... I took the kids to the library because they begged me to. Can you believe my kids love going to the library. To them its a hang out spot and they get a kick out of seeing all the new books. They each borrow about 4-5 books each(except my oldest he hates the library). They came out like me, I love to read. I been looking for a new author to get into. Any ideas?

Well so I think I left off telling you all that I had to step down from Deb's Stunning Designs. I really didnt want to because I loved being a major part in running the group and we have such a great group of woman. I am still a member though, so thats good. I just didnt have time to fully commit myself the way these ladies deserved. But Deb is an awesome owner and woman and she is holding it down all on her own.

I dont work weekends so I am able to stay at home with these kids which is great. We dont have to look and worry about paying a baby sitter.

I am extremely tired and at times I get frustrated when it seems like everything is piling up in the house. I still have to come home and help with HW and start dinner as well as clean up the mess we left in the morning. OOO the joys of being a woman huh?

I have been neglecting my tag journal(simply gorjuss creations) I have been making tags just havent been posting them. I have so many unseen tags sitting on photobucket right now. I might just post one a week and offer them up for requests. We'll see.

I recently got back into contact with one of best friends from yrs ago. She found me on Myspace. I was soo happy. I had searched for her but I never found her, and wouldnt you know she was going by her nickname DUHHH! So we have been talking over the phone and it makes me miss the days when I was younger. If only we could turn back the clock and appreciate the lives we had before we decided to become adults way before we should have.

She lives in Pennsylvania and will be coming to see me early October. I cant wait. The older obstacle is that she is coming with her with significant other who is a woman. I personally do not care about the fact that she is a lesbian. It does not bother me at all. I accept her for her she is and thats that. The only thing is that my children have never been around that situation and I am not sure if it would be ok to expose them to it in their home. They do know that they are gay people in the world, and they know not to discriminate, but is it different when its right in your face? My friend asked me if she could stay with us and I of course said yes, how could I say no? Now I am thinking if that was the right thing to do. One of my other friends who is bisexual told me that its not such a good idea. I know my friend would not disrespect my children in any way. So I am torn.

While we are on the friends topic, my neighbor (who lives above me) and I no longer speak to each other. I dont know what happened, but there was a few times that we would see each other and she wouldnt say hello to me. I always had to say hello first. I was getting tired of that, I mean we are friends we can acknowlege each mutually right? Well one day I went outside and she was sitting on the step with her daughters. They both said hello to me and I said hello back. This woman kept her face turned the entire time and did not look my way once. Welll you know what I didnt say shit to her. Since that day we have not spoken. I dont know if she had a problem with me before that but as a woman she should have said something. I just think she got to big headed for her own good and got used to people kissing her ass. She is about 15 yrs older than me and she is a Jamican woman and I of course do not have anything against them, but for some reason some of them tend to think that they are better than others. She did mention to me a few times that Carribean woman tend to dislike lighter woman of their own race as well as other races. So I dont know but whatever. I guess our friendship wasnt real.

I can continue but I have a headache so I am going to go lay down. To be continued.....

HUGS,

Steph

Wow I have been MIA for mths!....

2008-09-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, its been so long since I even looked at this journal. I have no excuses ... just the truth I lost all motivation for writing in here. It's not like I dont have anything to write about. So much crap has been going on since the last time I wrote. I just have been so lazy to write in here.

I am sitting here in the library with nothing to do, so I decided to try this out again.

Let's see if I can give you all a quick update since the last time I wrote her.

Finally the issue with Ben's bank account was taken care of. He ended up having to give them a chunk of what was in there. Then every mth thereafter he has to send them 100 dollars. As you can probably imagine I was not too happy about that. We definitely can not afford that extra hundred dollars but what can you do.

Issues with my landlord continue to plague my life. I dont if I ever mentioned here but she finally decided to give us a 2 yr lease. I was very happy about that because she couldnt raise our rent for 2 yrs. OR SO I THOUGHT. Even before I completed a full yr with this new lease she calls me up and says that she knows she gave me a 2 yr lease but that she regrets to tell me that she has no choice but to raise me an extra 50 dollars because her oil and gas bills were extremely high. You can not imagine how pissed I was! She told me that she would do me a favor and not charge me that 50 dollars until the winter mths. So that would be Nov thru March. A favor my ass. She knows what she is doing, because in June my 2 yrs are up and she will then be charging me that 50 dollars every mth if not more!

I know I have a lease and by law she is not allowed to do that, but she is using the guilt tactic on me. She tells me ohhh you know how understanding I have been with you guys when you are a week late with the rent. So I am torn. I am not sure yet what I am going to do.

My kids are all doing well, thank goodness. They are back in school. I transferred my 2 littlest ones to the school that is right around the corner from me. It is way easier to take them to school now. They love the new school. The teachers are younger and seem to actually like their jobs. They are not so hard with the HW, whereas in the old school the teachers would not do shit all day and the stock pile on HW to make up for it. They would literally give these kids more than 20 pages of HW in ONE BOOK!. My son would take hrs to do this hw. Now he is done within a hf hr -45 mins tops.

The only thing I dont like about this school is that they have open classrooms. At first I wasnt sure what this meant so they took me on a tour and what I saw was new to me. All the classes are in one big room and are only seperated by those seperations that they use to seperate offices...(ok now how many times did I use seperate lol.) There are no doors and you can hear each teacher talking to their students. They try and keep the noise level down, but I find it hard to believe that this is easy for them to do. So far my kids say that they are not distracted and that you can barely hear the other teachers. I hope that this doesnt affect their grades. We will see.

My daughter was having a hard time at first with these 2 little girls that in my opinion must have been jealous of her. They told her that she must be rich because of the way she dresses, sits and talks. UMMMM no we are not rich, but she was tought to have class, respect and morals. So these 2 little girls started a fight with her. But they underestimated my daughter. She may act and look all prissy but when someone bothers her and hits her she can defend her self. I did get to speak with one of the parents and thankfully she was not one of those ghetto parents. She actually talked respectfully and said that she would talk to her daughter. I also said I would talk to mine. The next day these 2 girls befriended my daughter. Her being who she is put all the drama to the side and she played with them. I am so proud of my child.

We finally got to go on vacation!! We went to Fort Lauderdale. We stood there for a week. We were going to stay at a hotel but Ben's cousin lives out there and he insisted we stay with them. This was the first time I met him and his wife. I must say they are great people. They made us feel right at home. I was worried that we wouldnt talk and it would be awkward between us but everything just felt like if we had known each other for yrs. We went to the beach. It was gorgeous! The ocean was sooo clean and clear. The sand was white! BUT HOT! LOL.. At first I wasnt going to go in the water but Ben and the kids kept on bragging about how warm the water was. It was so hot outside the water that I said what the hell. I went in and it was just beautiful and the water was in fact warm. I stood there for hrs!

We went to Universal Studios. We had a great time there. We took so many pictures! I was surprised because I was expecting to wait hrs on the lines but they were pretty quick lines. The longest line was for the new Simpson's Ride. We waited on that line for about an hr and a half. But it was worth the wait. It was a very cute ride. We also hung out in the pool at the complex they live in. I am so jealous lol. I wish I lived in a place where I could go to the pool whenever I wanted.

While out there my daughter auditioned for this modeling company. She loved it. She actually walked down the runway. This was her first time doing something like this and can you believe she made it into the finals. We were so proud of her! For her finals she had to do a photoshoot and go up on the stage and perform. She decided that she wanted to sng Miley Cyrus's Girl's night out. She said she was soo nervous. BUT she did it. Now we had to wait for the judges to decide if she would win a contract with them.

It was going to take a few weeks. Well we recently got back her photos (they are gorgeous btw) lol and GUESS WHAT! She won a new face contract with them. I just have to sign the contract and mail it back. Before I do that though I am going to look into everything and make sure everything is legit. She is soo happy and excited. She is so good with the camera. As for my boys.... well they are boys lol and they are doing boy things. You know the video games and stuff like that. I am trying to find something for them to get involvedin but it's hard because we dont have a car and everything is a pretty good distance away.

I have had to step down from being co-owner of Debs and Steph's Designs(which is now Debs Stunning Designs). The reason being that I have had to go back to work. Things were just getting too tight and I felt that I should at least help out a little more. I am no longer gettting the rental subsidy that I used to get.... well I do but they no longer give me 700 for rent they give me 400. Our rent is 1300 right now, so Ben was having to pay 900 plus all the bills whatever we needed for us and the house. It was getting real hard for him. So I am now working. It is not much but it helps out. I work from 9 till 2. I have weekends off.. which is good for me. I dont need to spend money on a baby sitter...

to be continued library is closing....

Still no money & no answers

2008-06-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well we are still dealing with this mess with these people who put a hold on Ben's money. We have not heard from them since Friday. This is straight up ridiculous! Supposedly they wanted to settle this quickly. So quick that Ben has left tons of messages and no returns his calls. The bank says their hands are tied. Well weren't they the idiots who let someone else come and mess with his money? Now no one has answers. Ben asked them what was he supposed to do if this man never calls him back. Of course the bank did not know how to answer that question. All they said was that the hold is in effect until 2009 OR until he has 5,000 in the account. WTF he doesn't even owe them that much. I finally did get some papers in the mail about this "hold". Ben owes 2,700 in total. WOW all this for a 200.00 limit. Just freaking crazy.

Today I felt like I was going to lose it. Ben has direct deposit so we thought his pay check for tomorrow would get deposited. This of course would have been a nightmare since we already lost one paycheck. We would have had NO money at all and tons of bills piled high! I couldn't handle it if that were to happen. But thankfully when he called payroll they told him that his check will be mailed to him. TY Lord!

Friday is my son's birthday. I have no idea what I am going to do for him without any extra money to spare. We'll come up with something. We have to. I can not bear to see disappointment on my child's face.

Saturday my landlord is coming for her rent. Credit card bills are due again. Not including the ones that already bounced.

I just need a little more strength to get thru all of this. I can not afford to have a breakdown now.

Not only do I have to deal with drama in my outside life but its unreal that I have to deal with drama online as well. I never could understand how people get into arguments or drama with people over the internet. Now that it has happened to me personally I can see how.

Some just thrive on attention.. I dont know why I let this woman who seems to have tons of issues get to me. Ohh well as she stated God sees and hears everything. SO that person better watch out judgement doesn't come knocking at her own door.

Today my lil sis graduated from High School! She achieved something that neither I, my other sis or brother did. I am so very proud of her. I know it took a lot of work and not everyone makes it but she did. I remember when she was born. How much I adored that little girl. Now she is no longer a baby. Just thinking about her finally becoming a young woman and venturing out on her own brings tears to my eyes. I just wish I had the money to do something really special for her. All I can do is let her know that I am here for her whenever she needs me.

Well that's about all for tonight. Ben should be here any minute and I need to heat up his dinner.

Hugs

Steph

Conversation pt2

2008-06-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]: they dont fix computers there
MommylilDevils [4:16 P.M.]: and even if he sends to fix we still gotta pay that aint free like your camera wasnt free, it comes out of his pocket when it comes time for his bonus
MommylilDevils [4:16 P.M.]: they charge him for it since he didnt charge the person
shorladysxy90 [4:17 P.M.]: so what the hell u want to do give him the damn money since u throwing shit on my face
MommylilDevils [4:17 P.M.]: i am telling you what the prob is
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]: i am telling you that its messed up that now i have to pay for it or be without a laptop i am not blaming you
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]: what im saying is that had it been me you and her would have been hounding me and calling me for the money to fix it
MommylilDevils [4:18 P.M.]: she wont step up to the plate and admit that she did something to mess it up without arguing
shorladysxy90 [4:19 P.M.]: so if thats the way u feel about it than tell her
shorladysxy90 [4:20 P.M.]: i don't know what else u want me to do. but i kinow the night before it was working
MommylilDevils [4:20 P.M.]: dont even try to stick up for her
MommylilDevils [4:20 P.M.]: she messed it up and thats it
MommylilDevils [4:21 P.M.]: all i did was turn the thing on I didnt need the internet because I was chatting with my friend but when I was done I couldnt get on the internet it sure wasnt me
MommylilDevils [4:21 P.M.]: anyway forget it because this is going to be a lost cause
shorladysxy90 [4:21 P.M.]: u just can't be down loading music like that that s why i don't let her do it on mines
shorladysxy90 [4:23 P.M.]: i'm gonnna let her know that u upset about it
MommylilDevils [4:23 P.M.]: dont let her nothing because i am not in the mood to hear her calling me cursing at me
MommylilDevils [4:24 P.M.]: She should have come to me and said Steph something is wrong with it i dont know what I did but take it to get serveced and if there is something wrong with it I will pay for ir
MommylilDevils [4:24 P.M.]: but instead she says she didnt do anything to it when she was the only one using it
shorladysxy90 [4:25 P.M.]: i don't know to to tell u
shorladysxy90 [4:26 P.M.]: just don't take it out on me cause i didn't do nothing to that laptop
shorladysxy90 signed off at 4:31 P.M.

IM Converstation with my mother....Pt 1

2008-06-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

*Had to edit the color from my moms side she used black which blended into my background

MommylilDevils [3:58 P.M.]: well i am pissed off too because now my laptop is messed up. it was working fine here now it dont and it doesnt matter because no one gonna step up to the plate and say they did anything to it
MommylilDevils [3:59 P.M.]: which is messed up because if it was me I would have gotten cursed out but now i have to figure out how to fix my own laptop that i didnt even mess up
shorladysxy90 [3:59 P.M.]: well that don't got nothing to do with me
shorladysxy90 [4:00 P.M.]: that's up to u and lulu
MommylilDevils [4:00 P.M.]: of course everybody will say that .... ohh i didnt do it but nobody gonna have my back either but its all cool
shorladysxy90 [4:00 P.M.]: i know u not blaming that on me now
MommylilDevils [4:01 P.M.]: no what im saying is that nobody gonna care about it and nobody gonna say nothing because it has nothing to do with them
MommylilDevils [4:02 P.M.]: i wouldve been told that i had to pay for it and shit she would have had you calling here telling me off
shorladysxy90 [4:02 P.M.]: cause when i had it i gave back the same way u gave it to to even with a bag for it
shorladysxy90 [4:03 P.M.]: well like i said is up to u and lulu u want to tell her to pay for it
MommylilDevils [4:04 P.M.]: yea like if i tell her that she messed up it up she has to pay for it she aint gonna pay for shit and she gonna say that she didnt mess it up and start cursing all over the place like she always does
shorladysxy90 [4:04 P.M.]: is that why ben aint talking to u
MommylilDevils [4:04 P.M.]: i aint scared of her but i just dont have the energy for drama i am just not gonna lend no body nothing ever again lesson learned
shorladysxy90 [4:05 P.M.]: so what u want from me
MommylilDevils [4:05 P.M.]: she should feel bad because when I gave it to her it was working and when she gave it to me in clarks house it was not working is she gonna admit it no,
MommylilDevils [4:05 P.M.]: thats probb why she gave it to me so easily
shorladysxy90 [4:06 P.M.]: no cause it was working here the night before
MommylilDevils [4:06 P.M.]: no it must have not been working
shorladysxy90 [4:06 P.M.]: she took so she won't have to hear u scream about it
MommylilDevils [4:06 P.M.]: because in clarks house it did not work at all and I had not even had it for an hr
MommylilDevils [4:07 P.M.]: i couldnt do nothing in clarks house , only check mail and chat
MommylilDevils [4:07 P.M.]: no internet
shorladysxy90 [4:09 P.M.]: so it was working
MommylilDevils [4:09 P.M.]: just for mail and chatting.... what you mean it was working that aint workking
MommylilDevils [4:09 P.M.]: she must have got a virus that is preventing it from going to the internet
shorladysxy90 [4:10 P.M.]: well if that the way u feel than let the other one know
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]: a computer is for you to go on the internet not just for mail and chatting
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]: i already told her she says she didnt do nothing
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]: like always i come out losing
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]: its gonna cost me money to fix it and now i dont have a laptop
MommylilDevils [4:10 P.M.]: when it was just fine
shorladysxy90 [4:11 P.M.]: well stephanie she should never lend it to her in the begin
MommylilDevils [4:11 P.M.]: how many times i told her no
shorladysxy90 [4:11 P.M.]: just keep me out of it
MommylilDevils [4:11 P.M.]: how many times she continued to ask

MommylilDevils [4:12 P.M.]: right but if i had did that to her you would have been calling me telling me to pay for it i cant be mad at you cause it wasnt your fault but now that its my stuff no one aint gonna defend me
shorladysxy90 [4:12 P.M.]: cause i know when i get things from somebody else i always return the same way i got it
shorladysxy90 [4:14 P.M.]: like i said what do u want me to tell her righht now she aint got a job to fix it
MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]: whatever like i said its not gonna make a difference I already know what i have to do, just bring it back and thats it I am not lending no one nothing..even though now there aint nothing to lend nobody, nobody dont want nothing from me now that my stuff is messed up
shorladysxy90 [4:15 P.M.]: she said she would take it to ben to see what he could do about it
MommylilDevils [4:15 P.M.]: what can he do about it

Anger turns into utter sadness... (update)

2008-06-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

Anger has just turned into pure sadness today.

Well it was a collection agency that went and put a hold on his account. They seen he had a substantial amount of money in there and then decided to act now. Basically they did not take his money. They can not that do that without taking him to court and suing him but they can put a freeze on it which would prevent him from being able to do anything with his money. Which they did do.. He owes about 3,000 for a card that only had a 200. limit on it. So basically now he has to reach a settlement with them. He told them that he would be able to afford 50 a mth , they immediately rejected that offer! Then he told them fine I'll give you 100 a mth. Still they denied it!! Fucking assholes want him to give them 500.00 now and then 100 a mth! There is no way that he is going to do that. We need that money for bills and rent. They are going to have to accept something lower than that or take it to court. I am sure they do not want to wait that long. Yes he owes them and yes he should have paid a long time ago but like everyone else when you are living paycheck to paycheck you can not afford to give away one extra penny. But now that it has hit him in the ass he has no choice to pay it so why cant they accept what he is willing to offer? "Sigh" I dont know what to do say or think anymore. We are both really stressed about this. So much so that we are arguing with each other over stupid things. Life is just too hard sometimes. You try and try and always something comes up. He works his ass off, we help people, we give people whatever we could, we try to live life as honestly as we could, We are not expecting anyone to give us anything but dammm cant we catch a lil break every now and again. When is God going to look at us and say ok its time you guys to have a little luck in your lives.

Another thing that has me down is a couple of weeks ago I lent my sister my laptop. She asked me to borrow it, I said no and she continued to harass me until I said yes. Well last week Saturday she finally gives me the laptop back and guess what? There is something wrong with the shit. I used it to do Saturday's PSP Class and to check emails. After the PSP Class I tried to go onto myspace and it wouldn't go. Any site I tried to access wouldn't load at all. I emptied out the temporary internet files and cookies I restarted it. Nothing. Of course she swears she did not do anything to it. She refuses to pay for it to get fixed. I told her that it was working when I gave it to her and its not working now so who else could have messed it up???? Like always I get the short end of the stick. My fucking family always finds a way to screw me over. Had it been me that messed something of theirs up they would have been cursing me to the high heavens and demand that I either give them the money for it or pay to fix it. But since its my shit and no one cares two shits about my feelings it doesn't matter. Now I have to pay for my own laptop to get fixed when it wasn't me who caused the problem. I have no enery anymore to fight with anyone. It wouldn't solve anything anyway they are total idiots who disregard anyone else's feeling and no matter if I screamed and cried they still wouldn't pay for a thing.

What does my mother say about all this.??? "leave me out of it". But like I said had it be the other way around this lady would have been calling me every name in the book and demand that I give my sister her money. I am so done... I can not do this anymore. I can not deal with family like this. I can not take anymore bullshit. It is all so overwhelming that all I want to do is sit and cry.

My anxiety is worse and I just feel like I am going to snap. I am dizzy all the time and of course feeling like I can not breathe. My bodyaches and every once in a while I get a bad headache. Lord how much more do you think I can handle? Why me? Why does my life have to be so difficult? Why do I have to have this problem with myself? I swear I could deal with all life's twists and turns if I didn't have to deal with this anxiety (or what they claim is anxiety). It makes it 10 times harder and 10 times just as stressful.

Who can I turn to for comfort. There is no one. No one who will understand where I am coming from because in order to fully understand you have to have went thru something like this or are currently experiencing something like this. Ben doesn't understand me, As much as he tries to he can't because he doesn't physically feel what I am going thru. I have not met one person who when I explain what I am feeling can look me in the eye and see Yes I feel like that too. I know how it feels.

Today I have done nothing, the kids wanted me to take them to this fair but I couldnt. I was scared to because I been feeling so dizzy and crap. Of course I cant tell them that. I dont want to scare them. SO they just think that I dont want to take them.

Anyway I can go on forever but I am not... I'll leave you with a real IM that I had with my mom about the laptop...I am going to add it to another entry because AOL says that I have exceeded the maximun amount of characters.... SIGH

WTF!!!!

2008-06-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

I am so pissed off right now, matter of fact a number of emotions are going thru me at the moment.

Yesterday Ben decided to go to Mc.Dees to get the kids something to eat. No harm in that right?

Well about hf hr later he calls me and he tells me that he is coming home without any food! I asked why? This is what he tells me.

When it was time to pay for the food, he swiped his debit card. DECLINED..He tries again DECLINED. He is thinking WTF? He knows for a fact that he has money in his account! So what choice does he have but to step aside and call Customer Service at his bank.

What they tell him is this...... Well it seems like your bank account is at a negative 4,562!!!!! He is like what! That can not be possible. They also say that there is a lien or hold on his account. He asks why and where did this come from. The lady tells him that all she can see is that NY State has placed some sort of hold on his account. THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE!! He doesn't owe NY anything. He doesn't owe taxes so what the hell else can he owe them?

The lady gives him a number to an office that is now closed and tells him he has to wait till tomorrow to call.

He gets home and he is very upset. I dont blame him, I am very upset as well. Not only did his paycheck just get deposited today, but we also deposited his entire stimilus tax payment!! So there goes all the money we had!

So I tell him to call the bank again and demand more answers. Like how could the bank just allow someone to get into his account without contacting him.

So he calls again, once again this lady was no help. Why do hell do people choose to work in places that require you to help someone but then they refuse to help you?! So I tell him to hang up with that asshole and call again. Hopefully he will get someone who actually likes their job. I guess God heard my prayers because this lady turned out to be a very great help. She went thru all his transactions with him . It turns out that during the day $881.00 was withdrawn from the account, 1 minute later another $75.00 was withdrawn which was put down a legal processing fee. Ben says he did not make this charges and he also did not authorize anyone to make these charges. So he asks ok, so they withdrew all this money from my account so now why are they saying that I owe them 4,000? Where is that figure coming from? The Rep says that it doesn't make sense either and she doesn't understand why that number is showing up! As far as she could see they withdrew all the money he had in his account so his account is now at an even 0.00. She says she doesn't see why this other figure is showing up. She tells him to call the number to where these charges supposedly came from and let them know that he did not authorize these charges and that they need to give him his money back. If they refuse he can dispute it and the bank is supposed to refund his money within 10 days. She then passes him on to her supervisor who she says can help him understand where the 4,000 figure is coming from. Supervisor comes on the phone, is not as nice as the first rep and she says that what it is someone is saying that Ben owes them 4,000 and that they are going to try to get it from him. He asks her again WHO?? She says Well I really dont know, but I can give you an example. Maybe it can be a collection agency for a credit card.HMMM well ben did have some outstanding credit cards but not one ever totaled 4,000. He had 2 cards and they were each 200.00 limits and this was about 9 yrs ago!!!!!! So once again what is the 4,000?? She said that all she could do was wait until tomorrow and that she would call and she advised him to call as well and find out what this is all about. She also said it could be a whole big misunderstanding.

Well I looked up information and it says that Collections Agencies CANNOT SEIZE/GARNISH your bank accounts OR wages UNLESS they have taken you to court sued and WON a judgement against you!

He has NOT gotten any summons to appear in COURT AT ALL! So if it is a collection agency, how can they be allowed to do this. It is illegal!

Yesterday was a bad day. Both of us had a huge headache and are thinking where are we going to get the money to survive till next week when he gets -paid again!

All we can do now is sit and wait for answers. I spoke to Ben a little while ago and he said that he is getting ready to call the number the bank gave him. Please keep us in your prayers and hopefully it was all a mistake. If it is a collection agency, hopefully the bank refunds his money because they were not given authority to take anything.

I am screwed as well because I just paid all MY credit cards by check just yesterday and now those checks are going to ALL bounce! I am going to get charged all kinds of ridiculous fees. This is all freaking unreal! How can people do this??

I don't know what else to say. Now this on top of everything else that we have to deal with. I mean when are we going to get a fucking break. We think we are all caught up and then something happens to bring us right back to square one. It mays you think why even bother??

There are so many people out there who do so many bad things but are living comfortably without any problems and then there are many people like Ben and I who do things by the book and who are actually trying to do their best and we get thrown all these hurdles. I mean it makes no sense!

How time flies....

2008-06-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

Finally an entry.. It's funny how time flies for one thing but in others time couldn't go fast enough.

Things have been mostly ok. Of course they could be better but I gotta be gratful that I still have my life and my 3 kids are all happy and healthy. I have been online just not making any journal entries. Really didn't have the motivation to write. Most of my time has been spent helping Debbie with our group and messing with PSP.

Ughhh this heat is just killing me. I hate when its winter everyone is complaining how they cant wait till summer and then summer gets here and now we're all complaining about the damm heat lol.

I have never liked the heat and if I could move somewhere its always around the 50's I would.

Not much been going on lately. We celebrated my older son's and daughter's birthdays. Now I just have one more birthday and then we're done lol. We went to Great Adventures. The kids loved it and so did Ben lol. I didn't get on hardly any rides. For some reason this year I am a scaredy cat. My middle son was very disappointed that he couldn't join the others on all the roller coasters. He is the right age but he is just too dammm short lol. He is praying that he grows another inch or two before his birthday so that if we do go again this time he can conquer those coasters. Poor baby I seriously doubt its going to happen. He was cursed with the short gene from me lol.

Guess what? Those of you who have been reading this my journal for a while should know that my mother in law lived next door to me . You might also know all the drama that was going on with that. WELLLL she has finally moved!!! Yep she finally decided that it was time to stop being a freeloader and look for another place where she could freeload from. Unbelievable right? She went from having her own bathroom and kitchen to sharing them with another family.! And paying the same amount if not more for just a room, I mean I dont get people. Why couldn't she just pay her rent here and live a little more comfortably even if it was a basement apt.

The landlady had someone fix it up and now there is 2 bedrooms, a small living room and kitchen plus the bathroom, plus you get the backyard and all she had to pay was 600.00.

OHHH well her loss,

I am still not back on the zoloft, I thought everything was great because I was fine without it but recently I have been feeling anxious all day and a couple of times have even gone from anxiety to full blown panic attacks. I really do not want to get back on the zoloft again, I dont know if I am going to have a choice though, What scares me is that I was watching this tv program "Women behind Bars",. There was a lady who was locked up for killing her 5 yr old twin boys, She blames it on the zoloft that she was prescribed for depression, She said that it started to make her hallucinate and make her more depressed. This never happened to me but now I am scared what if this were to happen?.

The only side effect that I can see now that I have been off of it was that the zoloft would make me want to sleep all day. I also think that it somehow made me gain weight because I hardly eat and I have gained so much. I dont know but hopefully I can manage this thing and stay off meds for good.

What else? Well I am thinking about closing my tag journal down. Reason being is that I just dont have time to tag so many names. It's not fair to you guys to have to wait mths until you get the tag you requested from me. Either I close it or I just make it a snag journal since I am still making tags. We'll see.

I think its time for a journal makeover lol. I have seen so many journals that look awesome. I have basically neglected my lil journal so we'll see if I spruce it up a little.

This month Ben and I had a preganancy scare. My sister and I usually get our periods around the same time. She came over one day and said she got hers. UMMM Ohh No I havent gotten mine yet. So of course I freaked out. Started crting and praying that I was not pregnant for the next 4 days. I realiazed that I really do not want any more kids. It is too much with just, Imagine another. Not only that but a lot of people think about how cute newborns and toddlers are. But no one really thinks about the long term. Like even when these kids grow up you still have to worry about them and if they are ever in a jam we still have to be able to help them. This is a job that lasts forever and as they get older it only gets worse. I have 3 kids to out thru college, I have 3 kids whose futures I have to worry about. Its not all about buying cute clothes and buying them toys anymore. I am nervous about what the future holds, so with all I know that I do not want another kid to worry about. I am seriously thinking that I want to get my tubes cut. I just dont know too much about the procedure and I am scared that I am going to be in a lot of pain., Ben said he is willing to get a vasectomy but I told him he seriously needs to think about that. I told him I already have 3 kids that are mine, he only has one that is biologically his. What happens if we were to separate and he was to meet someone. He said that he wasnt planning on seperating and to him he has 3 kids and thats that. So I dont know but honestly I think that I would do it before I let him have a vasectomy.

If anyone knows anything about tubal ligation or who has done one please email me with some information. I would be very grateful.

Well I think that is all for today,. I will try to update more often but I'm not making any promises.

Love to all... Hope all is well with everyone.

Thanks for stopping by.

Hugs,

Steph

How come when it rains, it pours? "Sigh"

2008-04-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Warning: Beofre you read futher please know that this a long full blown rant!

Read at your own discretion.

I just feel like running away right about now.

Today started out bad, I thought it would get better but no it has just gotten worse.

Let me start from the beginning. Yesterday my middle son comes out of school all upset because his teacher told him that he was not going on the upcoming class trip due to no homework. I was pissed because there was no way he could be missing yesterday's Hw because I was the one who helped him with it. He did leave 2 questions blank because frankly we couldn't find the answers. Now 2 questions blank is definitely not an incomplete by no means.

So I decided to go to school this morning to talk to her and ask what seems to be her problem with my child. I start out by telling her how it is that he got marked an incomplete for last night's Hw when all he had missing was 2 questions. She tells me that to her if they leave something blank that it is an automatic incomplete. I tell her that I do not agree with that at all! Well she stood by her answer that it was how she ran her class. Then she proceeds to tell me that my son has consistently missed Hw. I tell her "Impossible, I watch him do his Hw every night.

She says " Well I have proof" She calls another student to bring her, Her notebook and she proceeds to show me dates on which my son did not hand in Hw or was missing some of the Hw.

I felt like a fool! I was livid. I asked him what was going on?

He starts to cry. I know instantly that there is something he is not telling me. I ask him if it was true that he was missing Hw all these times. He nods his head yes. Omg... It took all I had for me not to slap him. Apparently my child was just showing me and doing only half of his work! So let's say he had..English, Math, Science and Social Studies, he would only show me his Social Studies, Math and English. He would not tell me he had Science and I never thought anything about it because he was after all doing his homework and I had no reason to believe otherwise. So I was played like a fool. Fine I told him when he got home he had a lot of explaining to do and that as of now he was punished for 2 weeks. He is not allowed to watch tv, play with toys or games and he can not go to his father's house this weekend.

Ohhh before this little adventure in school, Ben and I got into a little tiff.

Now usually on Thursdays he would have to leave the house at 7:00am to so that would mean that I would take the kids to school. Well today there was a change and he didn't have to leave until 10:30. So I tell him to come with me to school so that we could talk to the teacher together because it's usually me alone, this way the teacher could see that my child comes from a home with two parents.

Well Ben is a selfish idiot! He decided that it was much more important to go and get a haircut. He said that was the reason why he changed the schedule. I told him that he would be able to do both as I wasn't planning to stay in the school for hours. He said he wasn't going to take the chance. He really needed a haircut (in his words).

I am frustrated! I am tired of being a single parent. Yes he lives with me, Yes he provides for us financially. This doesn't mean that this excuses him from playing an active role in parenting. When they have to go to the Dr, I take them. When they need clothes or something for school, I have to go and get it. When they have Parent/Teacher day I go. When they need help with Hw, I help them. I dress them, I send them to bathe, I make sure they eat, I discipline then if needed,, I tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. I buy them their favorite things. Ahh you get the drift here?? Basically it's me doing everything for them because he's too busy at work. By the time he comes home from work they are in bed and I have taken care of everything. Is this fair?

No, its not. Not only isn't it fair to me its also not fair to them.

So I called him out on it and he didn't like it. I am now not speaking to him. If he is not willing to see that there is something wrong then there is no reason to waste my breath anymore.

He says I have to understand him. I am sick and tired of being understanding. When the hell is someone going to understand me?

Next thing to annoy the heck out of me,,, Those of you who have been reading me long should know that I have a psychotic landlady. Recently we got into it again because she is a damm stalker who has nothing else to do all day but harass me. She leaves me about 20 messages a day to call her just because she wants to speak to me. Why the hell do I have to call if I dont want to?

So finally I told her in a very sarcastic without any cuss words(and there were many that I wanted to use) way to leave me alone.

She was of course shocked and couldn't understand why I was talking to her like this. Yea my ass. I have stories that I can sit here and write about this woman and the way she has treated me, But I wont get into that now.

Anyway she calls me today to tell me that the exterminator will be coming by on Saturday, I then tell her that I will not be letting him in because I have my little puppy now and I do not want her to get poisoned. She then decides to bust my balls(not that I have them) and tells me that she didn't want dogs in the building. What!!!!!??

Meanwhile my sort of friend Ayeesha who lives in the freaking small ass basement has a pitbull! You are trying to tell me that you do not want my 3 pd Shih Tzu in my Apartment but's ok for someone else to have a 25-30 pd pitbull in her basement apt!

Again my pressure rose for the third time today.

I kindly told her that I am not getting rid of my puppy,

Now what's bothering me the most is that I really really want to get out of here!

I need to move ASAP before I really let her have it.

I can not deal with her anymore. We always pay our rent. I have bent over backwards for this woman and she literally has kicked me in the ass numerous of times, Sigh

To add icing to the cake, when I want to pick up the kids this afternoon I forgot my keys and I locked myself out!( I have one of those locks that automatically locks once you pull the door shut),

Great now what?? So I call my mother because she has a spare key of mine, for situations like this( I am forever doing this).

I ask her if she can bring over the keys. I can not go because I still have to wait for my oldest son to come home. I have no money on me as I didn't bring my purse, She says she has things to do and she is not coming to bring the keys. I am again upset and I hang up on her,

Now I know that I am wrong for being mad at her, Its not her fault that I am an idiot who forgot my keys. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't have been mad except that every freaking time I ask her for something either she gives me a hard time and puts me down or she says no. Today was a day that she said no.

Ok what to do? Only option is to wait till my son gets home, take a cab to her house(hope she pays for it without cursing me out too much) get the keys and then take the cab back home(then I'll owe her 20.00 but she'll act like I owe her a million) or I can see if I see my neighbor(who lives in the basement) and hope she would be kind enough to let me go thru a door that leads to the side of the building so that I can climb thru my window,

Ok, so option two was better for me, I seen her asked her and she said Yes,

So after clearing out the mess she had in front of this door which includes a big lion statue that is actually a table once you put the glass on top(where do people get these things?? It even has a penis geeeze) I finally get outside and see that my kitchen window is closed not only is the glass part closed but also the screen is down as well. God please open up the ground and let me fall in.

Now I have to not only climb up a really narrow fence, but also balance myself good so that I don't fall and break my neck(that's all I need). After 5 excruciating minutes the screen and window are open, I jump down then pick my middle son up and hold him while he is going thru the window. Finally he is in.

Thank goodness,

I am still very tense and frustrated right now and am on the verge of tears any second,

I dont know what to do anymore, I am tired of having to explain to people whatthey do wrong, They are not babies. If they can not see for themselves then why waste my time, I give up.

I give give give and give, I have no more left to give and frankly I dont want to give anymore, I sacrificed way too much of myself to make others happy. I always put everyone else before me, just so that they can like me, I am done,

If you dont like me then screw you, If you cant deal with my attitude then dont deal with me and stay away,

As for Ben if he continues this way, one day he is going to come home to an empty house, If I am going to be a single parent then I can be that somewhere else,

Sorry for the rant but I need to get this out!

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far)

Hugs,

Steph

I feel worse than a drug addict! =) =(

2008-03-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, just to let you all know (I think ya'll know already) I am NOT on Drugs! Well not the illegal kind anyway.

I am going thru some serious withdrawal side effects though.

Let me explain. As some of you may already know for the past maybe 4 yrs I have been on Zoloft 50 mg for Panic/anxiety disorder and slight depression symptoms.

I never wanted to go on prescribed meds but I couldn't take the constant feeling of not breathing correctly, dizziness, Etc.

So I finally made the decision to go ahead and take them.

It didn't take all of my anxiety away but it helped some with the symptoms. I wouldn't get it as bad.

Well I ran out of MEDS. I recently switched my private DR. She used to give me my prescription but the problem with her was that she would only come into the office at 1:00pm. Then she would take FOREVER to see me. She would literally spend about 20 mins to hf hr with some of her patients(most of them elderly. Then when it came to me , I would be out of there in about 5-10 mins tops. Not only did this make me seek another DR, but also the fact that she was very far from where I currently live.

So I did what I thought best and switched. Now the problem is that I am scared to go to this Dr because I am sure that he is going to give me a hard time giving me script for Zoloft. I mean he doesn't know me from mary or sue. Anyone can walk in there and say that they are on Zoloft. RIGHT? I mean I have proof. I have my pill bottle with all the info on it.

I was thinking that I should just try and stay off of it. I mean I hate when I run out of them and then I am desperate trying to get another refill. I now know how an addiction feel.

I was just telling Ben that if someone were selling them right now I don't care for how much I would buy them.

These withdrawal symptoms are really really bothering me. Every time I move it feels like jolt or shock runs thru my body. It makes me blink and I can hear like a whoosh in my ears. Not only that I am soo moody and irritated. The irritation may also be due to the fact that I am pm'sing right now.

I know this feeling is due to me not taking the pills because I only get it after not taking my pills for a long time.

I feel like crying right now.

What do you think should I go to the Dr, and get another script or should I hang in there and wait it out and finally get off this medication??

I hate this!@!!

I looked up some info on the internet and some people experience nausea, night sweats, headaches, etc. Lucky thing this is not happening to me right now. I couldn't deal with that!

Funny thing is the commercial for Zoloft says its not habit forming. What a crock of B.S!

I hope tomorrow I feel a little bit better. It's our last day of class at the Church. I don't want to be all depressed there.

On to other stuff. Thank you all for your opinions on my choice of dress. My daughter said she likes dress 1 and Ben said he likes Dress 3 and Dress 4. Ultimately it is now up to me.

I need to start seeing how we are going to do things money wise.

If only I had a credit card with a higher limit than 300.00 LOL. Well I only just started getting credit cards so my limit is going to be low for awhile.

I was thinking about a loan, but who is going to give me a loan. I dont work he does and the thing with him is that his credit is shall we say not so nice.

So I don't know what I am going to do. I mean he does get paid weekly but every week there is a bill. Like now April first rent is due... His portion to pay is 900.00. Also due on the 1st is our son's private van payment. That is 170.00. He just got paid this Thurs. He paid the cable, phone and internet bill. It was 200.00. He paid his cell phone 100.00. My cell phone 60.00. Plus house hold stuff... Of course take out food kills us. I know I am lazy sometimes, but if there is one thing I hate doing is cooking! So you figure there is no room for saving more than 100 a week. Even saving that by the time July comes we would only have saved 1200.00 and we need way more. "Sigh" We'll come up with something. If worse comes to worse we'll just postpone it.

I am sad. One of my good friends that I met when I moved here is moving this weekend to N.C.

She is leaving her husband of 14 yrs. She met him when she was about 16. He is about 10 yrs older than her. She said he is very controlling. He doesn't allow her to wear certain things. He also abuses her emotionally and mentally. He calls her names and puts her down. He also has physically assaulted her but she says she has done the same to him.

They have 4 little girls together. She says she is tired of having her girls in this enviroment. She doesn't want them to grow up thinking this is OK. The reason she is moving so far is because he ruined her status with Section 8. That is a program that pays a portion of your rent BUT you can not have anyone living with you especially a person you have claimed abused you. Well when they reconciled he purposely called Section 8 and told them that he was living with her. Now she owes them all that money and now they will not longer help her with her rent. She can not afford the rent by herself in NY, so she has no choice but to go by her mother's house. Her mother has property so after a few weeks of arriving her mother is going to give her a 3 bedroom house. I told her this is great for her. She is sad that her girls will be without their father. He is an asshole towards her but I will say that he is an excellent father and his girls adore him. Her girls will be very upset when they find out they are leaving their dad. My friend is now nervous that once he finds out that she has left Ny.. (he has no idea he thinks that she is going to stay with her sister out here.... Since they had to leave their apt thanks to him) that he is going to take her to court and try to take the kids away. I pray to god that it doesn't happen because she is a wonderful mom and she will not be able to live without her girls. I told her to promise to call me when she gets there. Please keep my friend in your thought and prayers. Her husband can be very nasty towards her.

Ben and I got into a little argument yesterday about his mother and her boyfriend. I got upset because I wanted to know if she was indeed moving out like the my damn landlord told me , but like always once it has anything to do with his family he puts this defense guard up and he starts telling me not to worry about what is going on with his family.

I in turn get upset because shouldn't I know what's going on? I mean I am his soon to be wife. He just thinks that I am against his family. I mean yes they do get on my nerves and do stupid shit that I don't like but I would never want anything bad to happen to any of them. I just think his mom needs to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself and get her shit together. Yes I know times are hard and she if going thru some hard stuff but this is only because they chose to be irresponsible and not pay their damn rent! Now the landlady wants them out and they have nowhere to go and on top of that no money! I feel for her but its her fault.

I also dont agree with my stupid ass landlord in the way she has done certain things but it is her apt and she does deserve to get compensated for it even though there is no heat and she never ever made on repair. It is an illegal basement to top it all off. So of course she can not take my mother in law to court and of course my mother in law knows this which is why she isn't budging. AND has to deal with all the complaining ME THATS WHO. Everyday I have to hear about how my MIL is not paying and how badly she wants her out. Well if you would have did your shit the right way maybe you could have been taken her to court and she would have been out a long time ago!

I also do not want to see my MIL in the street. I don't wish that upon anyone. SIGH, We'll see what happens. Supposedly she was supposed to be out by today but they havent found a place yet so they're not going anywhere. Come Monday watch the landlady call and complain and whine and bitch to ME.

Ben and I are back to talking to each other as always.

Ohh yea we watched the first 4 episodes of House. I like it. It is almost like Grey's but without all the gossip and love triangles.

I would recommend it so far.

Ok that's it for now... See you guys got a real entry out of me LOL.

Goodnight and take care yourselves!

Hugzzz

Steph

WAIT, I forgot one more dress (my fav)

2008-03-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

OOP'S I forgot to add one more dress! And this one was my favorite just not sure because of the price. I fell in love with this one instantly. Thanks for all of your input and comments. All of you had some good suggestions. TY Deb for suggesting the wrap definitely something that I am interested in. TY Deb(jckfrstross) for the advice on what time frame I should send out invites and for the suggestions for the reception. You know that is not entirely a bad idea. My brother owns a house with a huge backyard, maybe we can hold a reception type thing at his house and everyone can contribute a dish like you said..HMM not a bad idea at all(just have to talk to him about it LOL) and Joyce thanks for helping me make it easier to choose a dress, I definitely like Dress #1 but let me ask now... Dress #1 or Dress#4....

David's Bridal - Bridal Gowns 9H9274 Satin split-back A-line with beaded cuff, hem, and inset.

Need help, Need your opinions... PLEASE HELP =)

2008-03-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Dearies,

Ok the dreaded time has come.... I have to start looking for wedding gowns and making wedding preparations, that is if I want to keep that Aug, 8th date. I have nothing done... I know this is going to stress me the heck out LOL.

Ok first things first, we are on a bugdet! A very tight budget. Our plans were to be married in our Church and then afterward hold a reception in a hall or something like that. That I think is not going to happen(since I wanted new furniture). The plan now is to still be married in our Church( all you give the Church is a small donation). Afterwards I figured that Ben and I can look for a restaurant that serves food buffet style and just rent it for an about 2 hrs. We will just invite our closest family and friends(so do think about you freeloaders LOL)

So today I decided to look at dresses from David's Bridal. This is where you ladies come in. I am torn. I have seen so many pretty dresses. My things is that I am not too fond of the traditional plain white dress. I want some color in it. I don't know if ya'll noticed but I love the color burgundy so I picked some dresses that have a lil burgundy(or at least a color close to burgundy) in it. My plan is not to go crazy buying an expensive dress because reality is I am only going to wear it once(and I doubt my daughter will ever fit my dress LOL)

Let me be real here, I am not a small girl! At least not in weight. I am petite in size very short about5". So I need
something that will flatter my shape and not make me look like the good yr blimp.
I am not good at knowing what will go good with my shape, so I'm hoping that you ladies would know
Also I have what they call " A lot of junk in my trunk" a Big BOOTY LOL, Which I hate! but it is what it is. So that is to be taken into consideration as well. I am not that well endowed in the chest area (it's decent though LOL) My legs are short and stubby LOL...and my arms look like I have been lifting weights only something went wrong because it is not as solid ...(you get me)
So without further ado here are my choices....
I am going to make a poll ... so you can vote for Dress 1, Dress 2 or Dress 3.
Also I would like your opinions about my idea of the buffet style restaurant. DO you think it's classy or ghetto LOL?
Should I spend money on flowers or instead focus more on hiring a photographer?
I am not sure if I should just have my sisters as bridesmaids or if I should include my 2 best friends? Do I have to pay for their dresses or spend money on them in any way?? If I do then it will just be my 2 sisters LOL.
What else??? Is there anything else that I need to do that I am not thinking about. As you can tell I have no clue what I am doing here. I am going to sit down today and make a list of people that I want to invite. How soon should I send the invites??
IYO, how many people should I invite??
HELPPPPPPPPP!

BTW: I couldn't copy and paste the dresses so click on the links plz.

This is the veil I want ..(not the dress)

Ok here are the links

David's Bridal - Bridal Gowns T9293 Satin trumpet gown with obi sash with beaded detail.

David's Bridal - Bridal Gowns T8778 Strapless satin A-line, cuff neckline and pleated sash at waist.

David's Bridal - Bridal Gowns T8580 Satin A-line with champagne overskirt features split skirt and waist-defining detail.

Confirmation and Communion Pics

2008-03-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

The candles being lit makes it official... We are now officially confirmed and are now considered Christian Catholics. Look at my white pants... I hate white pants..this is the first and last time you will see me with this color pants lol..

Mt. Senior is making the sign of the cross on my forehead with the crisom oil.

This is part of our confirmation ceremony.

Ben is now being confirmed with the sign of the cross being made with the crisom oil(Ben was baptized as an infant so just had to do confirmation and communioun)

Confirmation is now over.. Next it's time for Holy Communion.

Does anyone notice the white orb?? Is this a sign that the Holy Spirit was present?? Hmmm makes you wonder...

You can't really see is but Ben and I are up at the altar and we have now consumed both the body of Christ and the Blood of Christ. We are done with Holy Communion. And that's it we are now officially a part of the Catholic Church and are one step closer to being married in Church on Aug, 8th.

Look how beautiful this church is... this is where our wedding will take place.

Well I hope I didn't bore you too much lol, Just thought I'd share what was a beautiful day for ben and me with all of you.

Next we be the wedding pic........Maybe... LOL

Enjoy

Steph

xxxx

Sharing my baptism pics

2008-03-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

These pics are in no specific order even though that would be better LOL

This is the 4 of us(Ben wasn't baptized) waiting for our turn to

go into the baptismal faunt.

This is the 4 of us walking to the baptismal faunt.

This is the infamous faunt..Isn't it pretty??

I am about to be drowned by Holy Water LOL

That water was FREEZIIINNNNG.... It was like stepping into the ocean when

it's about 50 degrees outside... LOL

He was loving every minute of soaking me LOL...Wish you could see my face

when he poured that water on me for the first time...=)))

I am officially baptized and free of all sin at this moment...Let's see how long I can last LOL..

Stay tuned for confirmation pics....

Pictures

2008-03-10T14:04:00.000-07:00

Another entry so fast, are you surprised? Well you should be lol.. Cuz I am surprised myself.

Well the only one that requested to see something was Deb, she wanted to see my new bedroom. So here it is Deb...

I am also adding some pics of my new living room ... just because ummm I want to lol...

Deb you see that orange and whit box..right there behind my son... that is your hard drive, yes it's still sitting there.. I am procastinating on going to the Post Office.. I will though I promise!!

So there you have it my new stuff, not quite finished with the decorating but all in due time.. I did buy a rug in sears..thought it was an area rug but when I got home I realized it was a runner... Bummer, so I have to return it and get my area rug.

Let me share something with ya'll... A dream I had..A great dream in fact.. A dream that I wish would come true...LOL.

I dreamt that Patrick Dempsey and I were having an affair(something I would not do)... But if it were with him I might ;)).. He was my son's baseball coach and we met and exchanged numbers. He was married and umm I was still with Ben... We started with little text.... BUT nothing happened besides us flirting... because next thing you know I was awakened by the sound of the damm phone ringing DARNIT!!! Yea I know I should feel guilty but atlas I dont lol.. Hey it was only a dream, can't a woman dream??? =)))) That guy is too damm sexy for his own good lol...

I can not wait till Spring comes..We have been getting teased with some nice weather. It only lasts about 2 days and then WHAM winter is back with a vengeance. March, 22nd I am going to be baptized, and I will also be doing my confirmation and communion. I can not wait.. I am ready for this to be over. I love going to mass but I hate going to the classes. I was never good at staying up during class in school so imagine in a church class.

I think Ben and I are going to be postponing our wedding until next yr. We were supposed to get married Aug 8th of this yr, but with having to buy new furniture we will not have enough to do the wedding he wanted. I was thinking of just doing something simple., still in the church but not a party afterward, but I dont know... I mean if you're going to do something why not do it the right way?.

We'll see what happens but I doubt its going to happen this yr.. maybe I'm the one with cold feet now, who knows?

Well let me go see what I am going to feed these brats for dinner...

Take Care Alll...

Steph

XXXX

Where do I begin?

2008-03-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

Wow... It's been awhile since my last entry. I don't know why it takes me forever to write. It's not like I don't have anything to write about. A lot of stuff has been going on, but I guess either I'm too lazy to sit here and write about it or I just don't know how to write everything down.

I finally got my house painted... OOO and guess what? I finally have my own room!!!!! YESS I DO!! =) I decided that it was time that Ben and I start thinking about ourselves a lil bit. Since my boys didn't really do much in their room but sleep, I decided to move them to the living room, and Ben and I would now have the bedroom. What we did was buy the boys a futon, I made sure to get them a really good mattress this way there were comfortable. They love it and I love it! I know have the bedroom I've always wanted and a LIVING ROOM. Now I can have people over without worrying about them having to sit on my bed.

I would really prefer a 3 bedroom apt. I feel guilty that my boys dont have their own room, but realistically right now we can not afford a 3 bedroom apt. They range from 1500 and up! So this will have to do, at least until we save money to get a new place.

I don't know if all of you read my tag journal, but for my birthday(Feb 16th) Ben got me a lil puppy. He was a purebreed shit zhu(sp). We bought him from a Pet Store... BIG MISTAKE! I knew I shouldn't have but I wanted a puppy so bad that I went ahead with it. We paid 700 dollars for him. Same night we brought him home he started gagging. We called her up and she said it was nothing, maybe he was just nervous and for us to leave him in his crate. Fine... We knew no better.. Next day he started to vomit, he wouldnt eat and he wanted to sleep all day. I decided to take him to the vet... cost me about 70 dollars with cab fare and vet fees. The vet said he might just have a messed up stomach and gave me some meds for him. He also said that if he threw up more than 3 times later on that I should take him to the Animal Hospital. Well he ended up throwing up more than 3 times. At 12:00am Ben decided to take himto the Animal Hospital. He had to pay 520.00 dollars that night or they wouldnt keep him. The next day we found out that he had parvo(which is like the flu for humans but can be fatal on puppies) They told me he had an 80 percent survival rate, BUT that it would cost me 2,000 to 3,000 for them to treat him. I was devasted. I didnt have that kind of money. I asked if they could make payment arrangements, they said no. So here I am with a sick dog who will die without treatment and I dont know what the hell to do. I call the Lady(Bitch) again and she tried to sound all shocked like she couldnt believe that he had this. I told her that I did not have the money to treat him. She told me to bring him back , I told her I wanted my money back. The hospital did not want me to take the dog back to the store because they said he would just suffer because they would not treat him. The Dr. wanted to put him to sleep. I said if I dont take him back I will not get my money back. I know to some of you this may sound harsh, BUT I am not rich and I can not afford to lose 700.00, its bad enough I already lost the 500.00 in hospital fees. Believe me when I say that if the hospital had set up a payment plan I woulld have payed for my puppy to get treated. Many would say "Well dogs cost money and if you didnt have the money you shouldnt have gotten a dog. Well let me just say had I bought the dog and he was healthy for mths and then all of a sudden got sick I would have paid with no problem. I just dont think it was fair for this woman to sell us a sick dog. I am willing to pay for shots, meds if needed, grooming and daily care supplies but not if when I bought him he was already sick. So I took another cab(I must have spent more than 100 dollars in cab fare just having this dog) and I took him back to the store. The bitch thought she was slick and only gave me 650.00 not the 700.00 I had paid. I was like "whatever I was exhausted and too sad to argue over 50.00 dollars.

Some people have said that I should take her to small claims court so that I can get my 500.00 in vet fees back. I dont know what to do. Should I or should I just leave it alone?

Anyway, what else is new? My mother and I got into it the other day. I swear this lady acts like a 5 yr old sometimes! What happened was that she wanted me to go with her somewhere, At first I had told herno because I didnt want to take the kids out but then she made me feel so guilty and bad that I decided I would. I told her "Give me till 1:00pm. It was 11:51 at that time. I had to get the kids plus myself ready. At 12:51 she calls me up, my daughter answers the phone and I can my mom yelling "You are still there"!!! Mind you my daugter answered. So she then asks my daughter what was I doing? I hear my daughter tell her that I am in the bathroom brushing my hair. My mother flips out and starts yelling and cursing at my daughter...telling her stuff like "tell your fucking mother to forget it , I will go by myself. Now I am really pissed off. Why the hell does she have to talk to my daughter like that?? I take the phone and we get into a huge arguement. I tell her is she is sooo dammm impatient for her to go by her dam self. It wasnt even 1:00 yet. Of course she is on a rampage and I just hang up the phone. I swear to myself that I am done with her(I know I have said this all before).

Not even a half hr later she calls me up like nothing has happened. She got to where she was going, everything turned out fine and now she was happy. She expected me to just forget how she just went off on us. Then she proceeds to tell me that she is very upset at my daughter and that when she sees her she is going to slap her in her mouth. I say WHY?? She says because my daughter got smart with her on the phone. I'm like What??" I heard the entire conversation and my daughter did not say anything wrong. SO I ask her what she said that was soo disrespectful, she says that when she asked my daughter why was I brushing my hair, my daughter said "I dont know".. I am like WTF was she supposed to say??? Who asks a question like that?? I tell my mom that to me my daughter said nothing wrong, she says its not what she said its how she said it, She said my daughter had a sarcastic tone in her voice. I'm like "OOOO pleaseeeee, Whatever! You are not going to touch my child. So we ended up hanging up. Fast Forward to a couple days later... Yes we are now talking and NO she did not slap my daughter. I dont know why I always say I am done with her and then I eat my words. I guess its because she is my mother after all.

I will say that my daughter will and does have a sarcastic reply for anything you tell her.(that day no though) . I am trying to get her out of it. The thing with my daughter is that she is like her father, if she has something to say she will just come right out and say it. She expresses herself and tells people the truth and thats what they dont like about her. I have to be honest though, I like the fact that she is like that, I like that she is not scared to express how she is feeling and what she is thinking. She is a leader not a follower unlike me. I can not tell people no, therefore I get taken advantage of. I can not tell people the truth about themselves because I am afraid to hurt their feelings. She is the opposite. Though at times she can be rude and thats what I am trying to get out of her without making her feel like she has to oppress her feelings.

As for my boys they are doing fine... I am nervous because I think my oldest has his first puppy love. I say this because the boy can not stay out of the shower lol. He also has to make sure he puts on a ton of cologne before school. I wonder who she is LOL... Man they start sooo early nowadays! My middle one is still the same.. He is a loverboy but he is shy so I think I still have a few more yrs to go with him ..I hope LOL..

Ok, so I am going to bite off other people out here in J-land.... Let me know what you would like to see in my house or my world and I will take a pic and post it for you guys...

I guess this is it for now... I'll try not to stay away for too long but I am not making any promises LOL...

BTW: For those of you who dont know or who want to join.. Deb and I co wn a group called Deb and Steph's Designs. We have a lot of great things to offer, even PSP classes! So if any of you are interested leave me a comment saying so.

Take Care ALLL

Hugzzzzzz

Steph

Stress, Depression, & more stress...

2008-01-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

Well I've done it.. I am private as of today. I always told myself that I would never do this... I like to have new readers and different opinions and comments. I liked the fact that someone could see my journal on the recently updated list and decide to take a look, only to find out that they could relate to how my life is. Now that is no longer possible.... Reason being that I have some family members who are freaking nosy and would love more than anything to read something here about them or someone else we know and run back and tell them.. In spanish we call these kinds of people "Bonchinchera's". Sorry but I cant help with pronunciation LOL... I'd rather go private then hurt someone elses feelings or start a big family drama. Hopefully I will continue to get new readers some other way LOL..

It has become so easy for people to be able to track yoou down online... I NEVER thought that anyone would ever find out about my journal but LO and Behold they have... A couple months ago I had to backtack on every entry and erase some stuff that I had written. I should have left it there for them to read after all it was the truth BUT I am a punk I guess.

Anyway whatever the reason, it is what it is. Those of you who have asked to follow my entries I have sent an invite and hopefully I got everyone. If you know of someone who would like to be added let me know.

Right now I don't know what its wrong with me, Well actually I do know but what I don't know is how to understand why I am feeling like this.

I feel like a piece of shit mom basically. The reason I say this is because recently I have no patience with my kids. I sad to admit that it takes so much for me not to yell at them every minute.. I mean NO I dont yell at them because they are being perfect angels. But they are kids and kids will just do kid shit and why is it that it bothers me soo much.. Every brother and sister fight and argue amonst each other... Mine do a whole lot... I usually try to let them solve it themselves but then they want to hit each other and then thats what I get involved yelling and punishing everyone. Sometimes all they want to do is be on top of me either talking to me or wanting to play a game and to be honest theres times when I dont want to be bothered.... I mean I LOVE LOVE my kids to death, and I would do anything I have to for them, but why is it that I dont want to talk their talk or plaay their games.. I then try to make up for it by giving them whatever they want or letting them get away with certain things. AM I good parent... I dont know...My kids do tend to take advantage of me and they are at the point that they want to talk back to me or stomp their feet, slam doors, yell at me.... They do get punished for this but I will admit that sometimes I am inconsistent with it. I don't want to be yelling at them every minute, I dont want to spank them every minute, I dont want them growing up like I did... Most of my memories of my childhood is of me getting beatings for being disobedient... I swore I would never do that to my kids. But then again now look at them now the way they sometimes act with me. Is this normal kid stuff?... I mean they are good kids otherwise. They do respect other people, they do not curse, they do not run wild... They have manners... they do well in school. Its just at home that when I am alone with them that they want to go nuts. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown one day. I want to be a great mother, I think I am a good mother right nnow, but then why am I questioning myself?

I am tired soooo tired. I dont understand why???? I do nothing all day... Well let me rephrase that.. I do clean up.. I do get kids ready and take them to school... I pick them up and give them something to eat... But other than that I do nothing.. I sleep. I sleep and when I wake I am still tired. WHY??? Ok, at night it takes me forever to fall asleep, but its not like I dont make up for it during the day. Like today after doing what I had to do in the house I went back to sleep... I woke up about 2:00pm ...went and picked up the kids,.... made a quick dinner and now I am tired already... I have no energy to want to do anything. This is not fair to my kids.... I am snappy and cranky.

I am helping with HW... and I am frustrated because I know the answer but I dont know how to explain to my 9 yr old how I got the answer. I am going to start looking for a tutor for him for math. He needs it and I have not the patience for it.

Ben called and I was snappy with him... Why? For no reason.. I am just fucking cranky and I have no idea why. Maybe I am getting my period soon who knows?

I spoke to a friend of mine today, she said that it could depression. Well maybe it is but the only reason I am depressed is because I have this damnn mental shit holding me back. I want my life back. I want to get a job again. I want to go shopping alone again. I want to wake up and feel refreshed and excited for the day ahead of me... Sigh... ......

Tax Season is around the corner... This year I am not filing tax... I didnt work.. So my sister and mother each came up with an idea that they would claim one of my children.. Ben always claims Kaitlyn (as she is his biological child)... Listen to this, my mom says that she is going to claim my oldest.... usually the IRS gives back about 1,500 per child claimed..sooo my mother says that instead of giving me half she is going to give me 500 and keep the rest... her reasoning behind this is because she was the one who worked...UHHH yea but it is my child and without him your ass wouldnt be getting back as much... We should get half and half... She refuses.... Sigh" whatever I dont feel like fighting anymore.. My sister said that if she gets back the 1,500 she will give me 750.00. I believe she will but then again once my mother gets into her ear who knows.

Ben is going to file his on Thurs... We should be good... He is getting his yrly bonus check,plus his income tax. I guess we can finally catch up. We were going to take a weeks vacation just him and I to Puerto Rico but life gets in the way as usual. We have to be in church mandatory on the 10th and then on the 14th my daughter has a show which I want to attend.. his vacation is from the 9th till the 16th... So we'll se maybe we'll go to florida instead for 2 days.

I am also going to redo my apt a lil... I am going to take the boys bedroom (since they no longer want to be lil boys and play with toys) for Ben and myself.. I am then going to restore my living room area back..only this time I am getting a sofa bed for the boys... I think its time that we get on ownroom. We deserve it! At least until we get a bigger apt. I have been looking for one but they are soo damn much.. We have the money for down payments and such but what happens thru out the rest of the year?? 3 bedrooms are going for 1600 or more!

Temptation is something I tell you there is so much more to this sentence but this entry has turned out long enough so I am going to stop right here for now.. I will be back and sooner than you think .. I feel much more comfortable writing my thoughts and feelings down now.

Thank you to those who still care enough to read.

Take Care all

Steph

XXXX

I'm sorry for neglecting you journal :)

2008-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been a long long time since I wrote in here. I am ashamed of myslef for neglecting my journal this long. I have been busy with a group that I am co-owner to..It's called Deb & Steph's Designs. I am also trying to stay on top of my Tags Journal... Simply Gorjuss Creations.

I will update a lil on my family. Kids thank goodness are doing great. Other than being pains in my but that is. Sometimes I feel like I really want to run away but then I look at their lil faces and I know that I could never leave them.

Ben, is doing good too. He is doing very well in his job. As for our relationship its like he's fallen in love with me all over again. He is constantly giving me attention, calling me from work, sending me sweet lil text messages. On his days off he does whatever it is I want to do. He will even come home and wash dishes for me. I am happy that he shows me more love and attention but sometimes it can be a lil much. Why is it that when we get what we've wanted for so long, we don't appreciate it as much?

I love my guy and I can't see myself without him.... I guess I have to get used to all this attention LOL.

As for me... Well I am still the same... Some days are better than others. I am trying to lose some weight but this shit is sooo hard. My GOD why did I have to gain so much??

I try to stay away from all the fatty no good foods but I cant help it, they are my favorites LOL. I am thinking about buying a portable treadmill so that I can burn some calories. If I showed you guys pictures of when I was a teen you wouldnt believe how much weight I've gained.

I am not going to get too deep in this entry.... I just want to let everyone know I have decided that I am going to go private. No, its not because I have gotten bad comments, No its not that I want attention and people begging me to stay public. The reason that I am making this desicion is because there are certain things that I want to feel free to write about in my journal but I cant. Reason being that some family members do have the link to this journal and can read anytime. Also as you all well know it is very easy for someone to google you and your journal will come up.

I tend to be a very private person when it comes to my family knowing certain things. I don't mind people on J-land reading but I dont want family in my business. They can always use this information against you.

I have been going thru some personal issues and I would like to write them down but not until I go private. If there are still people who read this journal and would like to be added as a private reader please leave me a comment. I will be making the change sometime tomorrow.

Stay tuned for more....

Until next time Ciao....

Steph

xxxx

Day after Xmas...

2007-12-26T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,

So it's the day after Xmas how did everyone enjoy theirs? I hope all my J-land friends all got exactly what it was they wished for!

My Xmas was simple yet sweet. We all decided to go to my bro's house who lives in Long Island. It was a long ride on the LIRR but eventually we got there and everything was fine. We spent the night over there. My mom cooked us all a great dinner. She cooked all that food by herself! I was proud of her. After that we watched Harry Potter(The Order of the Phoenix)..... Well actually the kids watched it because us adults were too busy making jokes LOL... Everybody had a joke to say about Ben and I because we are in LOVE LOL.... Hey its not my fault everybody doesn't share what we do LOL...

Ben had a few drinks so you know he was happy... After awhile everybody started to wind down and one by one they went to bed LOL... Ben and I stood up watching the Christmas Mass together.

The next morning the kids woke up early(figures) I did not want to get up... But eventually I had no choice as I had 3 kids jumping on my back LOL..... My kids really didn't have too much to open since I only took one gift each from home. I had told them all month long that Santa was not bringing them anything since they didn't know how to behave. So as you can imagine they were a lil disapointed. But I must say that they weren't as upset as I thought they would be. I guess they knew that they really didn't deserve anything.

We had breakfast... and then I started getting them ready so that we could catch the LIRR home. I wanted to get home early so that we could just spend time just us, before Ben had to go to work the next day.

Little did my kids know that Ben and I had a surprise for them at home. When we got here we acted like normal. We ate dinner and then I told them to go clean their rooms. While they were doing that Ben and I took down and separated all their gifts. We then called them and acted like they were in trouble. When they walked into the kitchen they were shocked! LOL.... Needless to say they were very very happy! They loved what they got!. In fact so much so that they have not gotten all my nerves as of yet LOL...Too busy playing with their new stuff.

Well that was my Xmas. I was happy just seeing my kids and family happy. Today I am going to pamper myself LOL... I am going to go get a mani and pedi done. Then after that I am going to get my eyebrows waxed(ouch!) The things we go thru to look pretty huh?

Well that's about it for now.. I am going to go get ready...

Until next time......

Steph

2007-12-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,

Is any still out there???? Where are all my peoples at LOL...??

I miss you guys comments in my Reg journal.

I know I know, no one wants to really comment on mushy emotional rants so hey I dont blame ya'll.

I have a story for you guys today though.

Only in New York can this shit happen, Only in New York.

Ok so read this, I went out with one of my friends today with the intention of buying my oldest son a new coat. I rarely ever take my cell phone with me, well because I always forget it. Well today I REMEMBERED to take it with me just in case I needed to call my mother in law to ask her to pick up the kids for me. I get out the car and I start to cross the street. As I am crossing a guy in a car starts beeping his horn repeatedly. Now I never look because usually its a Jackass just trying to get my # or ask me if "I gotta a man?") I'm not trying to be conceited but here in NY even a bum will try to pick you up..SERIOUSLY!! So I continue walking across the street. I get across and I finally turn back to see if my friend is behind me. I glance over to the guy who was beeping his horn and I realize he is frantically trying to tell me something. SO now I am staring at him hard trying to figure out if I know him. It suddenly dawns on me that he is saying "you dropped your phone. I feel over to where my phone is supposed to be, latched on to my purse with a clip and its not there... SO I loook and there is my phone in the middle of the street! So I start to cross back over and just as I step from the sidewalk on to the street another car literally stops in traffic and a guy jumps out the car, runs over to where my phone is laying PICKS IT UP and then runs over to his car and then the driver drives OFF!!! I was shocked!!! I cannot believe this asshole did that. I have lived in NY all my life and NEVER have I seen something like this happen. The guy had a big ole' smile as if he had just found $10,000. Its a fucking phone for pete's sake!!

My shock then turned into extreme anger!! I thought to chase down this car but I would never make it. Where are the Police when you actually need one???

I start to curse and I said somethings that I am ashamed of now. Stuff l ike it had to be a black guy... Had it been a white person he would have picked it up and gave it to me. NO you guys I am not prejudiced(and I hope no one is offended) but when you are mad you tend to say things you later regret. I dont regret cursing him ass out but I do regret catergorizing black people. A typical person would have just handed over the phone. It was a young stupid guy who pprob had no job and no money to buy a phone and he couldnt resist getting something for free. Fucking ASSHOLE.

I then used my friends phone to try and call my number but the idiot prob figured I would call and he turned it OFF. SO I called Ben and told him to call Sprint and suspend the account and report the phone stolen. So now the guy has a phone that he can basically do nothing with!!! With Sprint you can not use Sim cards , which means that you can not turn the phone into a prepaid phone. He can not activate it under his own contract because it is registered as stolen and no one will activate it.

The only thing that really bothers me is that Ben payed close to $500.00 this past summer to buy me the phone I specifically wanted!! I had the Krazer(SP). We couldnt get it for a discounted price because he did not qualify for a contract because of his credit so we ended up getting a month to month contract and with that we had to purchase our phones outright. So the only thing that this guy can do is try to sell the phone to some unfortunate soul who has no idea that it can not be used.

Now I am cellularless and I am not going to get another phone anytime soon! :(((

So what do you guys think about that??

Then to top it off.... Since I was going in the car with my "friend" I didnt wear my coat, I just put on a lil sweater. Well after the whole shopping trip(which I didnt even find the coat!) I asked her if she can take me to pick up my kids from school. WELLL what she did was drop me off about a block and a half from the school!! So I am walking to school and back freezing my ass off! Got home with a headache because it was soo cold. I should have stood my ass home HUH??

Then everybody wonders why I dont go out LOL. What a day!!

Prolly shouldnt have used the cute gorjuss girl advertising the holidays for my header ?? LMAO

I couldnt find a mean angry one LOL..... Anyway I need to get into the holiday spirit. Am I the only one who really isnt into it this year???

I dont even feel like buying gifts :GASP: Where is the real Stephanie????

I dont know itjust seems like the holidays came too soon. Add to that the fact that gifts will just over expand our budget in ways that we can not really afford right now. Or maybe its because I have spoiled these kids so bad and now they have everything and what do you get a kid who has everything and doesnt even appreciate it??? I just keep telling myself that I might not even get them anything! I dont even have my Christmas Tree up yet!

And what is this I hear that Jesus wasnt even born on Christmas Day????

I mean Yes America has forgotten what Christmas is supposed to represent. We just think its all about Santa and buying gifts and trees, but really isnt it the day the man who died for us was born?? Shouldnt we be reflecting on that instead of spending our hard earned dollars on things that people prob dont even want.

Then I find out that there an argument going on about people wanting to take the Christ out of Christmas because they say he wasnt even born on this day??? HMMMM whats wrong with this picture?? I mean no one really knows when Jesus Christ was born so why not leave it alone??

And then people wonder why I am not in the holiday spirit! Geeeez are you???

Steph

How do I keep going??

2007-12-01T21:19:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with me?? Why do I feel this way and why cant I shake this depressing freaking mood?? I am so sick and tired of feeling depressed. I want to enjoy life, enjoy doing the little things. I want to enjoy spending time with my kids instead of sometimes feeling that I want to be left alone.

I can't do this anymore. How do I keep going on like this? Let me clarify one thing before some take what I'm saying out of perspective. I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT MYSELF!!!

That is my biggest fear DYING and leaving my children in this cruel world to fend for themselves. SO I would never consider hurting myself.. What I am doing is venting thoughts and questions that I ask myself everyday. I want to know how am I going to fight this depression and get myself out of it.

Every day for the past month I have not been feeling myself. Why do I have to feel like this. Things that I used to enjoy I no longer even want to do. I sometimes wish that I can all alone this way I dont have to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. I try to shake myself out of it but it neever works. How much more can I take?

Theres so many things to do and there never seems to be enought time. Then when I have the time I am scared to do shit alone... What kind of fool am I? I let stuff pile up because I can not even walk 10 blocks without becoming a nervous wreck.

Old friends are upset at me because they say that I never answer or return their calls. I wish they could understand that its not that I DONT want to talk to them its just I dont have it in me to talk to people unless I really have to. Why cant people just understand that it has nothing to do with them personally?

If you want to call me a bad friend then so be it.. If you don't want to be my friend anymore then dont be I wont hold it against you just know that it never had anything to do with you it was always me. Whenever my "friends" needed a shoulder to cry on I was always there, but now that I need someone to understand me , be there for me without judging me there is noone. I dont want to hear that its all in my mind, I dont want to hear that I need to get out more often, I dont want to hear that I had kids too young and never enjoyed myself... IT IS NONE OF THAT! Its just something that has taken ahold of me and its not letting go. I dont need to go out and party, I would never take back having my kids and its definitely not only in my mind! It is physically, emotionally and mentally draining me.

I try to act as if nothing is wrong for the sake of my kids and Ben. I try to do the every day normal life thing because I am needed, but I am getting tired, very tired. I know I have more than alot of people, I know that I may even be better off than some, so what is wrong with me, Why arent I happy?

People might be thinking "go to a Dr, Get meds, I have been there and done that.. I am currently on Zoloft. I was seeeing a therapist but she did not help me. I recently went to see another one but only went once because I was a chicken shit when it came to taking the bus alone. So I never went back,

I dont want to burden anyone by talking about.I am sure they dont want to hear it. So I keep it all locked inside. I pray to GOd everyday that this crap go away. I ask him to forgive me for whatever I did wrong to deserve this. I live in the hope that one day I will wake up and all this will be gone.

Stress will kill you for sure!! My landlady and I got into it the other day.

Long story short, one of my "friends" called me up and told me that her father had an empty 4 bedroom apt. She wanted to know if I was interested. OF COURSE I was. So I talked to her dad and we set up a date for us to go over there. The day came and we went, we seen the apt, it was huge!! The only downside was that I wasnt too fond of the neighborhood(it was more industrial like) It had all the space we needed! Her parents were like angels sent from above honestly. They were so sweet and respectful. He even lowered the rent for us to $1375(mind you we pay 1325 for a small ass 2 bedroom). We told him we wanted it!!! So I come home call my current landlady and she was none too happy. Her words were" Who amI going to rent your place to? Who am I going to find to rent to right before XMAS?? She then had the AUDACITY to say that she was going to keep half of my security because I wsant giving her a full mnths notice. I was livid!! She was the one who told me if I ever found apt that was good for us she woulsd have no problems breaking the lease, because she cared about me and only wanted the best. OK now that I finally found something good for us, you want to come with this BS?? SO bottom line is I DID NOT take the apt. I can not afford for her to keep half my money. It all got to complicated and finally I said F&^* it. I will never talk to her the same again. She showed her true colors once again. It is all about the money for her. She had the nerve to say that she was glad that we decided not to take the apt because she "heard" that it was in a bad neighborhood and we deserve the best. OHH please spare me the BS... Its not like we live in the f&^$#& Hamptons right now!

Ben and I are not doing so well...(BTW... I went to the DR and and everything is OK , referring to a previous entry) We are having relationship issues and right now I just feel like I do not have the energy to deal with any of it. I am tired of being hurt and taken for granted. All my life that is what I have had to deal with. Not anymore, Call me a Bitch, whatever you want, I owe noone anything. The only ones that I have to worry about are my children.

It seems like the only time I write in this journal is when I am having problems but then again when someone is happy, there isnt as much to write about. I dont expect anyone to read this and care, this is for myself. This is where I let go all frustrations and emotions that I can not let go anywhere else.

I went Xmas shopping yesterday and this is the first time ever that I DID NOT enjoy myself. Usually I love to spend money. Yesterday I just wanted to get it all over and done with. For the stores were SOOO damn packed. I mean you could not walk anywhere without someone bumping into you. For two I had no clue what I wanted to get. You know some people can go shopping and pick up anything and say this is what I am going to give them , if they like they like it if they dont they dont. Not me, of course I have to make it complicated. I have to sit there and worry about whether or not this person will want this. My mother was like who cares, its the thought that counts. Then I worry about is it too cheap?? Finally I just picked up whatever, I payed and I left. If they dont like it well then they can just return it for something else. I didnt want to spend an arm and a leg this yr for something that will prob be in the garbage in a few mnths anyway. My limit was 20.00 a person. Hey, the same way other people like to say "I dont have alot of money for gifts" then I can do it too. I am only getting gifts for Ben's 2 nieces, my 1 niece, my goddaughter , my mom ,my 2 sisters and my kids THATS IT!! Whoever doesnt like it too bad! Wow I think I am turing into a Scrooge!!

I am sitting here and its getting later and later... I dont want to go to sleep though because tomorrow will just be the same. I have to go to Church tomorrow. We are going to officially be welcomed into that church. It is called the "Rite of Acceptance". For those who are curious I am Catholic.

I am getting baptized, I am doing my Communion and Confirmation all on the Sat before Easter Sun. This is a requirement to be able to get married in a Church.

That is another thing stressing me out. I have not even begun planning this wedding. I dont even know if I still want to go thru with it. Its all too complicated.Maybe now I am the one getting cold feet. "SIGH" Who knows anymore??

Anyway let me get off of here....Goodnight all!

Steph

Post Thanksgiving Day Thoughts(some adult language)

2007-11-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

Well Thanksgiving is officially over and now it's time to get ready for CHRISTMAS. Yep its that time of the yr again where we spend ALL our money on gifts and then go home and regret spending all that money on gifts that people will probably regift anyway LOL...

I speak from experience , it always happens to me. I spend hrs and hrs trying to decide what to get each person. Its grueling!! Only to finally get what I consider the "perfect gift". So happens that I find out that that person didnt think it was the perfect gift for them. Hey don't get me wrong NOT everybody in my family does this but the majority of them do LOL.... AND I don't get cheap stuff... I prob spend about 30 to 40 dollars on each person!

This yr I will go cheap and maybe they'll appreciate it more ..Whadda ya think?? :))))

Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving Day. My day was pretty good. I woke up about 11:00 and then I got my family ready to go to my mom's house.

Once there I helped my mother with dinner. I made the Ham, and the stuffing ...I know it's not too much but at least I did something... My mother made the Turkey, Potatoes, Rice, Sweet Yams, Salad, Cranberry(well she didn't make it she served it).. We also had something that we call "Pastelles"... It is a Hispanic dish.. Very good!... I brought Dutch Apple Pie and Pumpkin Pie(no I did not make it actually Sara Lee did LOL and it was delicious!!)

We stuffed ourselves, after thanking God for all our blessings. After Dinner we were all feeling lazy so we watched a movie(Reign over me) with Adam Sandler. It was pretty good but I didn't like the ending. Left you wanting more.

It was a nice and relaxful Thanksgiving. We all joked around and had a good time. We came home early because Ben had to be up by 3:00am to be at work by 4:30am. After today was the BIG Black Friday. He just got home about an hr ago(10:30pm). I did not rack up on any Black Friday sales. I did not feel like getting pushed and shoved or even trampled at 5:00am. I dont care how great the sales are!!

Today I went to pick up my glasses and I officially look like a dweeb LOL. I have the Sally Jessie Raphael glasses(you guys do remember her huh??) Ohh well at least I am unique LOL....

I was annoyed at Ben yesterday.. Once again he puts me in a uncomfortable position in front of his family. Let me explain.

Basically he has this younger brother(about 24) who has a girlfriend and 2 lil girls. Now this girl is not the best of girlfriends or moms. She is very immature. But we all dealt with her because this was who he chose to start a family with. Anyway since they have been together they have bounced from house to house with the 2 babies.(I'm sure I have an entry about them in my archives) They stayed with me numerous times because I felt bad for them and I tried to put myself in their shoes. She is lazy. Anyway since they have been together they have stayed with is maybe more than 20 different times. Mind you we have 3 kids and only 2 bedrooms. I dealt with it.

The last time they stood with us I finally had to let her know that I could not have her with me anymore because she had 2 babies and it was not very comfortable for me and my family and frankly I just wanted my home back. She was upset but they finally moved upstate with her mother. They got into a big problem with the mother and they had to leave the mothers house. Once again they were looking for a place to stay. His cousin took them in ....while staying with the cousin I dont know how or why it happened but it ended up they she cheated on him. She told him that she needed space and that she was too stressed out with all their situations. MIND you he left 2 good jobs for her!! He left 2 apts that they were renting for her because she couldnt deal with the baby alone(she wanted to stay with her mother) She can never just stay in one place. So she left him for 2 weeks. During that time as you can imagine he was very upset. He called us and his mom to tell us what happened. Naturally we were all upset!! We told him she wasnt worth his time anyway. We felt that this was the best thing that could have happened to him. BUT he wasin love and he did what most people in love do he took her back... I said after everything she did while here(and there is many things but too much to go into) and after what she did to him I didnt want to be around her anymore. I told Ben that she was no longer welcome in my house. I understood why his brother got back with her..but that it didnt mean that we all had to deal with her anymore. Ben agreed.

Fast forward to yesterday. They came down here to visit his mother... I specifically told Ben "Do not invite them here".... Next thing you know I see Ben going outside to open the door. I asked him what he was doing and he caught an attitude because I was asking questions.... I once again reminded him that I did not want her here... He replied that she wasnt coming down just his brother was.. Fine whatever.

Next thing you know I hear knocking at my door... I open it and lo and behold, who's there... ALL of them... His brother, the girlfriend and the 2 kids... Do you know how annoyed I was???? But I ate it.... Because I didnt want to be rude.... At first I didnt say one word to her for over a hf hr. I had my back to her while on th computer.... Eventually though I felt uncomfortable because I do not like to be rude... It's just not in my character. SO I talked to her.... she talked back...

They were here for about 2 hrs..Babies running around, making a mess and here it is 10pm and they seem to have no intentions of leaving... I am getting a bit worried here. I am getting a bad feeling. At about 10:30 I see his brother pull Ben aside and I hear them whispering.... I already know what its about..... I am dreading every min that passes by.. Ben comes back into the living room and has the audacity to ask me if I mind that she stay up here with one of the kids because there was only room for his brother and 1 kid in his mom's house... WTF you I freaking mind..How dare you even ask me this and to top it off in front of them??.... Am I supposed to be a Bitch and say UMMM yes I do freaking mind???? I stood shut for a min and then I say "Well you know there is no room here. We do not have the bunkbeds anymore. Instead of Ben saying "yea thats true he goes on to say "Well she can sleep on Kaitlyn's bed(our daughter).... I look at him and if looks can kill he would be dead. I say "Well where is Kaitlyn supposed to sleep?? Again he says "Well she can sleep in the boy's bed or with us.... This freaking guy... I dont say anything after that.

Time goes by and I guess they are waiting for me to say yes or no. I am not going to say anything... If she is going to stay then whatever. Finally at 11 something Ben says Well I have to go to bed, ... Her and his brother go over by the door and start whispering. Finally the brother says I'll be back I am going to go ask Moms something... Ben asks her what that was all about. She comes out and says that he went down to see where they could all sleep in his moms house. Ben says but why you know ya'll all cant fit down there.. She comes out and says "Well it doesnt matter.. I dont want to stay where I am going to have problems.

Basically I think she got upset because I didnt say yes or no. Frankly I dont freaking care... You just dont come up somewhere, say you going to go back home the same day and then end up staying and then expect everybody to just accept you in. I've done it many times before and thats it.

So they all slept downstairs. I dont how but I dont care. Some of you may think that I am mean but I am really not, just fed up that I always have to eat my words.

Today I brought it up to Ben and it was turning into an argument. He says that I only think its my house... UMMM no its both of our house.. But he should respect the decisions that I make. I've never ever said NO until yesterday. WHY should I have to accept them and give up MY kids beds?? He didnt want to hear none of what I was saying.....Thats what I hate that he can never see where I'm coming from. I told him off and then we hanged up. When he got home I didnt mention it but the next time he pulls this shit I am going to be a bitch and say NO to each and everyone of them. Poll about this at end of entry.... Be honest!

Wow this turned into a long entry... I am going to end this with sharing some pics of my dorky glasses LOL..... Hate the glare of the computer monitor... Webcam is on top of it and I didnt feel like getting the digicam LOL

What do ya'll think of my glasses??? LOL HONEST NOW

Random and Rambling Thoughts...

2007-11-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

Everything is fine over here I guess.

I am feeling better than I was 2 weeks ago but I still do not feel 100 percent myself.

I am a lil worried right now because it was about 2 weeks ago that I got the "procedure" done. Well the first 2 days I didn't bleed but then the next day I started bleeding. It was nothing heavy. Then it stopped after about 3 days. What worries me now is that it started again, nothing heavy just light but why after 2 weeks am I still bleeding?

I haven't called a Dr. or gone to the ER because its not heavy(I dont even fill up a pad) but I am worried why its still coming down.

These past couple of days I have been sort of sad and regretful about my decision. I think about how it may have looked, I think about hugging and kissing it and I feel so sad. I believe I made the right decision but what if I was meant to have another child?

Lately I have been getting anxiety attacks(not panic attacks) yes they are different. I have been feeling light headed and just overall thinking that something is going to happen. The other day I started to cry in the bathroom and I asked God "Why me? What did I do that was soo wrong that I have to spend my days feeling like this?? When will I wake up and be "normal"? or should I say feel "normal".

I just feel like a bad mother and wife at times. Everybody tells me that I am not, but how am I not if I can't even enjoy and do the simple things such as take a walk to the park or even laugh at a joke without thinking that this is the day that something is going to happen to me. I don't know if there is anyone out there who understands what I am going through but I wish that I could meet at least one person who can tell me that they tell go though this and that I am not alone. I'm always thinking that I am sick, like heart disease(I am only 29) or diabetes, all kinds of things. To go through all the illnessess that I think that I have we'll be here forever.

I went to the Eye DR the other day and I finally got my glasses. My vision is not bad I just need them to read, watch TV or to be on the computer. Maybe thats where all the headaches and light headness is coming from.

Today I went SHOPPING, but not for me "SIGH". I bought sons a new pair of sneakers. I swear these kids do not know how to take care of their sneakers. They just got a pair in Sept and they needed a new pair already! I WILL not buy white sneakers anymore! From now on its black. These sneakers are not CHEAP. They ranged in price from 65.00 to 100.00 for my 11 yr old. I finally settled on a pair that cost me 65.00. My 9 yr old wasnt too bad. He got a pair that cost 45.00 and then for my daughter I bought a pair of black boots that were 25.00. Nothing for me but I did manage to get Ben to give me some money to get my hair done yesterday. It cost me 30.00. I got it washed and blown dry. I cant believe how long my hair looks when its straight. I love the way it looks right now. I may post some pics to show it off LOL.

My children all got their first semester report cards, They all did good, except my middle son needs some extra help with math, science and social studies. I bought him some workbooks that we can do together.

Let's see, what else is new here???? HMMM Has anyone even started their xmas shopping yet??

Well if you haven't then join my club LOL, I have not even begun. I do not know what I am going to get for my list of people. I always say tthat I am going to start early and always end up doing it 2 weeks before xmas. Its just so overwhelming LOL... What the heck do we get people?? At least I dont have too many people to get. Yea I am getting stingy this yr LOL, Hey I can't afford to get gifts for people only to have them give them to other people. Yes this has happened to me.... so why not keep my money in my pocketbook?

Thanksgiving is coming and I have no IDEA what we are going to do. My mother can not make up her mind about whether or not she wants to stay home and cook or go to her sister's house.I will not go to my aunt's house so if my mom goes over there I dont know what I will do. I guess I will just stay home and make my own dinner for my lil family.

Well the wedding is still on. We are still looking to do it on Aug, 8th, 2008. Funny thing is I haven't started planning anything. I was looking for dresses but once I found out that I was pregnant I stopped. I have to get on the ball again because sooner than you know its going to be summer again. Time goes by so fast. I have been going to church every Sunday and I must say that I am enjoying it. I feel so much better knowing that I am closer to God.

OHH before I forget I went to the GYN this Tuesday that just passed. I wanted to go ASAP because I have not had a pap smear in 7 yrs. I just wanted to make sure that I do not have cervical cancer. They were really good. She did the pap smear, took some blood and even did a sonogram just to make sure that my uterus and cervix were back to normal since I had that "procedure" done. She said everything looked great. She did not see anything on my cervix, (I still need to wait for the pap results) BUT she told me something that BLEW my mind.. I can not share this right now because I have to know for certain. I will know for sure by not this Tuesday but the following. I will just say that this is something that could potentially break up my relationship.

I pray its nothing because I know Ben loves me... but what does love have to do with anything nowadays??? Just because you love somebody it doesn't mean that you can not be stupid and do stupid shit,... you do it and then regret it later. Let me not jump the gun here. I dont want you guys to jump the gun either... I am not saying that Ben cheated on me..... AHH lets get of this topic because I might just be confusing you guys.

I just needed to get that off my chest...this is my journal and I try to be as honest as I possibly can in here. I just write whats going through my head at the moment. It might make sense and it might not LOL.

Summer has come to an end and so has all the drama that was going on with my "so called" friends. Everyone has calmed down. No one is knocking on my door everyday to tell me BS about one another.. I am just sticking to myself and not paying mind to whatever is going on outside my house. I have enough problems of my own to be dealing with the immature "she said, she said".

Ok, I think this is enough for now..... I am going to bed.

Ohh yea, what keeps my sane is my new hobby... PSP LOL.

If you haven't seen my new tag journal go check it out. Its called *Simply Gorjuss Creations*. I am having so much fun with it.

Well that's all for now FOLKS...

Goodnight all!

Hugs to all of YA'll!!!!

Steph

All I need is one wish that's all I'm asking for!

2007-11-06T08:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you my dear friends for the comments and support ya'll gave me.. I am starting to feel like myself again. The only thing I am now feeling is a constant worry that something is going to happen to me. This is part of the anxiety I know.... I am still sad over what I did, especially that now I am finding out that some people I know are pregnant. This hurts me so much but deep inside I think I made the right decision for myself and my family.

All I want is one wish of mine to come true, thats all I need.... My wish is that this anxiety would be gone and I could live my life normal like any other person. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that today might be the day that I am going to die, or that I am sick and I am going to have to go to the hospital. I want to be free of worries and all anxieties. Will this ever come true?? I pray so.

Yesterday I started getting the wanting to make tags back... Its slowly creeping up on me. I went to the CILM and AMI websites to see if I can purchase some tubes and a license, but it just confuses me LOL... I dont know how to do it.. I dont know what is the difference in purchasing images or tubes. The ones I really want are from Susan Woolcott, I just love her work! I just need to figure out how to purchase them.

Today there is no school, so my brats are home.. Hopefully they act like lil angels today. Though I highly doubt it.

So who is getting ready for Christmas?? This year I vowed to start early so that I dont get caught doing last last minute shopping like every other yr. I love this time of yr. I love the cold and the spirit of the holidays! Hopefully this can help being me out of the funk that I am in.

I am worried about my lil sister. She is 17 yrs old and recently went to the GYN. They did the normal PAP smear. It came back abnormal. So they had her go in for additional testing where they took a piece of her cervix. Yesterday the receptionist form the DR"S office called her and told her that that something showed up and that she need more extensive testing. What got me mad was that she said she couldnt explain what she meant! She said she wasnt even supposed to tell my sister anything but that she wanted to warn her. What the fuck was the sense of telling a half ass reason?? So I called them pretending to be my mother but they said they couldnt give me any explanations over the phone.. IDIOTS! So now my we are all worried and my sister was crying because she says why did this have to happen to her.. She has to go in tomorrow. My mother is going to go in with her and demand that they tell her what the hell is going on. I understand the whole confidentiality stuff but if my sister wants my mom to know then what the hell is the big deal.

In a way this whole protection of tteenage girls is ridiculous. Do yoou know how many teenage girls were in the abortion clinic that day!! It is a shame that such a procedure can be done without a parent knowing. What if something were to happen to her??? What if there were complications? I don't know!

I just pray that everything is ok with my baby sister! She doesnt need to go through this at such a young age.

Well I guess this is it for now.

Love to all of you!

Steph

Why must things get so difficult??

2007-11-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

I know it's been awhile since I last made an entry.... I need to get a lot of things off my chest and this is the only place I can turn to for now.

First off I want to apologize to those who made requests in my Tag journal that I have not fulfilled as of yet. I have been going through so much that I do not have it in me right now to be creative. I'm sorry. Hopefully I will be back at it soon but for now its on hold.

I think I mentioned in one of the journals that I was pregnant. I had so many mixed emotions about this pregnancy, Happiness, Sadness, fear, and others that at this time are hard to explain. Ben and I had made a choice that we were going to have the baby and deal with whatever was thrown our way. Part of me did not want to have another child for the simple fact that I am not one who likes change and for another I was scared that what happened to me after having my daughter would happen again. First let me explain what I mean when I say I don't like change..... Right now we have 3 children and I am comfortable with that. It is hard and sometimes it can get very tiring at times but I am used to it.... to have another child would almost be like disrupting what we already have and the way things are. To have to start all over again with a baby is something that I wasn't sure that I was ready to do.... I don't know if anyone can understand what I am trying to say here.

The decision to have the baby was mostly for Ben, who I know always wanted another child. I love him to death and I didn't want to take away something that I knew he was looking forward to. So that was that... BUT then I got sick... I mean SICK in a very bad way. I could NOT keep anything down, no water, no juice or anything solid. Even if I had nothing in my stomach was empty I still threw up. If that wasn't bad enough I had the worst burning sensation in my Stomach. I felt like my stomach was on fire! That was the worst part. I could not sleep or do anything but cry. After awhile I got so weak that I wasn't able to care for my kids the way that I wanted to. I had my mother in law and neighbor take them to school twice for me but how long could I depend on them??

I felt like a failure and a burden to everybody.... Finally I had enough, as much as I hate the hospital I decided to go. I was there from 5pm till 2am..... They had me on IV, and the gave me meds to stop the vomiting and burning. They said that I had ketones in my urine which was a sign of starvation. They said I might need to be admitted.. I did not want to stay there at all.

The meds worked for awhile but after they wore off everything came back. They wanted to start me off on more meds but I refused. I mean what is the sense if it is just going to come back.... So I went home miserable. I was given an ultrasound but she didnt even tell me how far along I was, she said she just wanted to see if there was a heartbeat which there was.

That night I started to think...... Did I really want to go through with this??? How was I going to be a mother to my other kids if I couldnt even take care of myself?? Could I even survive going on like this until this sickenss went away... I felt torn... I wanted this for Ben but I didnt want this for me... How do I tell him,?? What do I do??

Do I sacrifice my health again?? God please guide me to make the right decision. I prayed for God's guideness over and over again... I prayed that I feel better....

Monday came and I just couldnt anymore. I spent my days crying and throwing up. I hated knowing that my kids seen me like this. I hated knowing that I had to count on Ben for everything. He would go to work and have to come home and do all that I couldnt. I stopped talking to friends and going online because I was too sick. When Ben came home that night I asked him , How would he feel if I didnt go through with this pregnancy. I told him I didnt want to hurt, that it tore me up to know that I had to break his heart.. I apologized to him over and over... He told me that he was Ok with whatever decision I made. He said that all he wanted was for me to be myself again.... God this was soooooo hard.... I can not tell you guys how much pain I was in to have to make a decsion like the one that I was going to have to make...

I prayed again and asked God to forgive me for even thinking about doing this. I prayed again for guidance. I prayed for the strength to make the right decision for my family and myself.

That night I made the decision that if I was going to be a good mother to my 3 kids, as well as for myself I was not going to go through with the pregnancy.

I know alot of you are not going to agree with my decision but I have no one to ask for forgiveness but the Lord himself! I do not want to hear anyone's comments bashing me for the decision that I made! I feel bad already as it is.

So a few days later I went and got it done.... Most difficult time anyone woman will ever have to go through... Even at the clinic I sat and agonized over my decision. I asked Ben again and again if he was Ok. I was soo scared.... Not only was I still sick but I was terrified of the consequences of having an abortion as well as the Sin that I was committing. I felt guilty!

I was given an ultrasound, of course I did not look at the screen. I was 8 weeks.... I dont think I would have made it another month with how sick I was. I had told myself that if I was further along let's say 10- 12 weeks I would have kept it.

It was the most terrible experience and I was glad to be out of there! I will not go into details because I know some people are not ok with it.

It is now about 4 days later and I feel myself getting depressed... DiD I make the wrong choice??? Not only that but I am so scared of the side effects of getting an abortion done. I am scared of infection or hemeraging(Sp) ..... There are comments that have been said that make me feel even guiltier...

I still feel like a failure and a burden.... I feel like I do not do anything..... People say that I am not doing anything with myself... this coming from someone who was suppoesed to be a friend! She says I am lazy or at least thats what I got from the comment she made.... Even though I do whatever it takes to make sure my household is running as is. I am not going to say that I do EVERYTHING but I do what I have to do. Just because I dont work why is it that people judge me because of that.... Shit live a day in my life and see how my life is!

I went to church today and I prayed for forgiveness. I felt like I didnt belong in church after what I did.

I just dont know .... Why is there always an obstacle to overcome in my life?? What am I doing wrong that I can never be happy??

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever make everyone else who judge me happy? Will people ever accept me for me?? Will I ever be somebody in other peoples eyes?? Why do I even care??

When will my life be normal?? When will I stop thinking of the worst and think of good things?? Am I feeling sorry for myself or am I right to feel the way I do?? Are people right in the way they view me??

Do I need to get a job?? Am I lazy?

So many questions and all the time the same answers... No. Never, I don't know......

I am grateful to be alive , then why do I always worry that I am going to die tomorrow?

Why do I push away the people who are there for me??

I know that I do not want anymore children and I am now looking into getting my tubes cut. Thats it. I told him Ben that it is ok if he wants to leave because I know he wants more children. Remember he only has 1 child.... He said he was not going anywhere but who knows how he is going to feel in the future.

If I could I would but my body can not handle anymore pregnancies.

Well I am going to go now.... I hope and pray that everything will be ok, So please pray for my family...

I hope everyone is well,.... You guys are in my thoughts.... I will be around your places soon.

Love,

Stephanie

It's HERRRRRRRRRRE! My new Tag Journal!!!!

2007-10-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally did it! I opened up my new journal! You can go here--------> journals.aol.com/mommylildevils/help-me-name-my-journal

I need you guy's help naming my new journal... Go there to see why! HURRYYY GO NOW LOL!

Bringing Sexy Back LOL

2007-09-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm getting somewhere now..I'm almost up there with you guys LMAO..Well Not YET..but one day.. This one came out very good I think BUT I had ALOT of trouble figuring it all out.. I had to redo like 4 times before I finally got it right...

Everything is good over here so far, My mom is over here spending the night with us. A miracle right? LOL..Well we have just been hanging out.We ordered some good Mexican food and we are watching Grey's Anatomy.Yea I got her into it too.

Tomorrow I think we are going to go look around for gifts for my nieces first birthday which is next week. I have no idea what to get her. What do you give someone who has everything.

If you would like your name on this let me know. Since I had a lot of trouble with this one, I am going to ask that if anyone wants it please request 1.

Soon to come.... My very own Tag Journal... Not sure when its coming but its coming LOL..

Goodnight all and hope all my friends are doing well!

HUGS XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Just for FUN! I won't be offfended SERIOUSLY! LOL

2007-09-22T18:45:00.000-07:00

Finally an entry on my LIFE!

2007-09-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, So the 23rd of September is officially the first day of Fall, so why in the hell are we going to be in the high eighties today??. I can't stand the summer and I soo look forward to the chilly brisk Autumn days.

As you guys probably have noticed I have been neglecting this journal with adding any real entries. So I have finally decided it's time.

First thing is first, the Baptism is over and done with. It was on the 16th of Sept. The church was beautiful and the priest was a really down to earth non boring funny guy. Sarah looked GORGEOUS! Her dress was sooo beautiful. The Godmother did a really good job in picking out the dress. At first I felt left out and a lil bad that I wasn't the one baptizing her, But that all went away as soon as the priest started the Baptism.

Afterwards we went back to my sis in laws house. The Godmother had the food catered. It was all Hispanic food that was DELICIOUS. There was so much food! Everyone was able to eat 2nd and 3rds. Now you guys must be thinking what did Ben contribute to the Baptism. Well in the Catholic Church when you baptize someone they ask for a donation to the church. So Ben put 80.00 in the envelope. Then he bought the cake. It was soo good! It had a Strawberry and Pineapple as well as Custard filling, with whipped cream frosting. Today we are going to buy the baby a bracelet as a gift from us. We also gave her money in a card the day of the Baptism. Overall it was really nice.

This was the first time that my sis in law and I had seen each other since our little fallout back in June. We had not spoken to each other since June either. I was kind of hesistant about going for this reason. When we got there though it was a lil uncomfortable at first but then it was just like old times. Now we are back on track talking once again LOL.

Last week I was sooooo upset at my kids. I now know that I have created spoiled selfish brats! Yes I know that sounds bad but its the truth. I only have myself to blame though.I wanted to give my kids all that I never had when I was growing up and in doing that I have raised children that have no appreciation for anything.

It all started on Friday. Ben wanted to take the kids out. He wanted to take them to the Disney Store because the 2 lil ones are such big fans of High School Musical. That was the plan. BUT we never got to the Disney Store because we never found it. So instead we went to Toys R Us on 42nd Street Times Square. When we got there Ben bought tickets for all of us(including my neighbor's daughter) to ride the Ferris Wheel. Just that alone came out to $24.00. Ok they had fun. It was nice. Then we went to look around. Of course everything they seen they wanted. My boys instead of looking for something different the only thing they wanted was a video game. I am sooo sick and tired of video games and I refused to buy any. Of course they were upset. Then my daughter went into the Barbie House. Of course she wanted a Barbie Doll, but if you guys seen how MANY Barbie dolls she has you would flip out. So I didnt want to buy anymore dolls. There was nothing else she wanted .. She was understanding but NOW she wanted us to take her to Build A Bear Workshop.

Ok now its time to leave Toys R Us. For the first time EVER we left that store without buying a TOY. We walked around and we seen Ruby Tuesdays. So we decided to treat the kids to dinner. We got a table fast and our waiter came to take our order really fast. Something we are not used to in the city. Now my kids can not make up their minds. Finally we get all the orders straight. Now we just have to wait. Ok do you think my kids would behave themselves since we are in a restuarant. UHH No they all start to play around and bicker amongst each other. My older son ended up spilling Ben's drink. At this point I am annoyed and almost in tears. I sooo wished that it was just Ben and I. I am so annoyed that we always take them with us and do so many things to make them happy and this is how they repay us. My mood is not good. I was also annoyed because this Ruby Tuesday's Menu was just one page! It had about 10 choices on the menu. WTF! I just picked out anything and hoped that it would be good.

Finally the food comes... Thankfully my food is really good. I must say that my kids did eat all their food. Bill comes...Guess how much 82.00.. Wow! Its time to get out of here and I dont think we will be going over there again. I must admit though our waiter was REALLY GOOD and he was cute LOL.

So now we decide maybe we should take them to Build A Bear Workshop so my daughter can get an outfit for her Poodle. Then we figured on Sunday Ben would take the boys to Gamestop. I know I said no more video games but what the hell... SOOO we walk and walk and walk and walk. Around in circles....looking for this damn store. ALLL this time my oldest son is F*&$$$ annoying the hell out of me. He was upset because I didnt let him wear his new school sneakers. So now he decides to complain that his toe is hurting because I made him wear the old sneakers and they dont fit him(REALLY just 2 weeeks ago they were PERFECT and the onnly sneakers he would wear the entire summer) Also I know that he is upset because we are walking around loooking for a store that he knows he is not going to get anything from. So he starts crying and complaining the ENTIRE WAY! Walking sooo damn SLOW. I feel like strangling him. Of course I am the one dealing with this bullshit because Ben is way in front of us. Which also annoyed the hell out of me. UHH did you forget that we are your family too.? So I keep on telling my son to stop his shit. We are going back and forth and I know people are looking at us. OMG you dont know how BAD I just wanted to get lost. I honestly did not want to be around my kids at this time.

I couldnt believe that after everything they could act like this. Yea its just my oldest acting up right now but the other two can be just as unappreciative. That day I realized that I have done a really bad thing. I have given my children EVERYTHING they have ever asked for and now to them its like we HAVE to always give give give. They know no value of a dollar and how much work it takes to earn a dollar. I have shielded them from seeing the hardships of life. I have made it so that they have never had to want for anything and in doing all of this I have created SPOILED SELFISH BRATS who do not think about anyone but themselves.

Now how do I correct this?? Is it too late.??? I swore that day that from now on they will only get from us things that they need. They will only receive gifts on special occassions. When they get good grades they will only be given 10.00. If they want something that costs more they will have to save. That is another thing that my children DO NOT know how to do. On the occassions when they do get gifts they will only get one gift a piece and there will be a limit on much we can spend. I need to show them that life is not easy. Life can be very hard and if you dont appreciate what you have then you might as well have nothing.

I also swore to myself that even if I have to pay a babysitter... Ben and I will go out every other weekend ALONE. No kids. We need our time too. It is not fair that everything we live breathe and work for is revolved around these kids. Dont get me wrong I LOVE and adore my kids, but we need to think about ourselves too.

I pray that my children will open their eyes and see that what they have is because their dad bust his ass every day working 12 hr days 6 days a week to make sure they have everything they need and want. I want them to see that I still have clothes from 10 yrs ago that I still wear because every lil bit of money I get I spend on them. I just want them to grow and appreciate both big AND little things no matter what it is.

I am so disapointed in myself because I AM their parent. I WAS supposed to show them from little. I WAS the one who always said YES when Ben said NO. I am the one who thought that by giving them everything I was being a good mother. I was the one who didnt want them to feel like I did when I was little watching my cousins and friends play with stuff that I only wished I had. I am the one who needed their drawers to stuffed with so much clothes that most of them they never used more than twice. WHY?? Because when I was little I had only one draw of clothes and my sneakers came from the Foot Doctor who at the time would give free sneakers. I did all this because I didnt want my kids to feel the pain I did when I was snubbed by popular kids because my clothes and sneakers were cheap. I wanted to spare them the pain of being made fun of because they didnt have a nice house... SO I just got them the best of evertthing. Little did I know that while I was thinking I was doing right by them, I was actually doing wrong... I need to fix it.

The problem is with me. I need to prove to people that I have stuff. I need to prove to them that I am not poor. I want them to see that just because we have 3 kids doesnt mean that we have nothing. Therefore I can not blame my kids... I can only blame myself.

But believe me I am going to make sure that my kids do not grow up like this anymore. It is going to be hard on them but I know at the end it is the best thing for them.

I am going to end this entry here... I will be back later on to make another entry because there are still things I need to get off my chest. Why is it that I am always looking for that one perfect friend?? I need to stop and accept the fact that I will never have that one true friend. It seems all of my friends at one point or another end up being hypocrites. I can not take it anymore. I would rather be alone.

Thanks for reading..... To be continued.........

New Heart Photo Frame

2007-09-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of my babies.. If anyone would like me to do this for them just comment and then I will ask for one of your favorite pics. I seriously need to do a real update in my journal. I am so busy messing with PSP that I am neglecting this journal. I am losing track of what I wanted to use this journal for. It definitely wasnt for tags LOL. I might open up another journal, just dont think I am good enough that people would actually want to go to see my stuff.. Anyway I will do that entry soon. Please bear with me. I hope I am not boring my reader away LOL.

I hope everyone is doing well, Goodnight and Take Care my Friemds..

Luv and Hugs to all!!!

Wait WAIT, One last one LOL...

2007-09-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

Before I went to take a shower I couldn't resist one more LOL... I really need some new stuff, Like frames and Accents and what nots.. I'm getting tired of using the same ol'. This one is kind of simple but cute.. OK NOW Im really out of here!! BYEEEE LOL

Lazy Sunday

2007-09-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

This is a snag for whomever likes it... Just something that I did in the group that I am in.. Learned how to use the Mosiac Effect..

Didn't do too much today.. Just went to the Supermarket and picked up a few things that were on sale. After that we came home and I cooked.. I made Baked Chicken with Yellow Rice and Peas.. MMM came out pretty good if I do say so myself LOL..

Ben has officially started his week's vacation today. We all got together and watched a family movie together. It was cute. I don't know if any of you have seen it. It's a pretty old one. "Harry and the Hendersons". It was really funny. The kids enjoyed it.

Tomorrow they go back to school and my week officially begins. When I take them to school tomorrow, I have to stop by the office and get the signed up for After-School. They will then be in school till 6pm. It gives me time to take care of what I need to. After that I have an appt. I have to drop off some papers with my new Case Manager.

OOOO Guess what?? Grey's Anatomy Season 3 is going to come out in Boxset on TUESDAY!! I can't wait!! I have been dying for this day to come LOL... Prison Break Season 2 came out last week but I didn't have the money to get it :( I will soon though.

UGHH I have to pay the Private company that takes my Oldest son to school tomorrow. I have to give him 170.00. That is definitely going to hurt our pockets but I guess its a hurt that we have to deal with. At least we are at ease with him getting to school safe and sound..

Well I am going to go and take a shower now... Gotta get ready for my day tomorrow....

Goodnight all... Love and Hugs xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Reflection

2007-09-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I like this , But this is what I came up with and I just wanted to share.

I have not been online in a few days because I was disconnected. DAMMM Cablevision!! I can not stand them. I had to pay 327.00 before they reconnected me! I am now looking into "Dish" and I will keep the phone and internet with Cablevision... Bills Bills Bills! Thats all there is to look forward to.

I had to remove myself from a few groups because the amount of mail was just getting to be too much for me... I came back to find that I had over 1,000 emails. Geezz that was alot of mail to go thru. Since I am still not too familiar with where I should be saving my tubes and such, it was just too much.. I felt like I would never learn anything if all I did was sort thru mail all day long.. SUCKS! I am having some problems saving tubes and being able to access them when I click on the tubes button...

I have so many ideas , but dont know how to execute them. I have collected a lot of tubes but dont know how to use them properly... UGHH! Anyways..

Everything on the homefront is still the same. I am just going to say that there is drama brewing in the pot. I am finding myself right smack dab in the middle of it! I have 2 neighbors that just cannot stand each other. Now they are doing this whole "she said" "she said" thing. Both of them have come to me with Ohhh such and such said this about you.... Now I do not know who to believe! This is all sooo petty. We are grown woman for pete's sake... Frankly I do not want to be involved and if this continues I am going to have to end both friendships.. I hate when I think I have friends and it turns out that all I had was high expectations. Both tell me the same thing "Ohh dont tell her that I told you" So then why tell me the shit at all if you dont want me to confront the person/??

My electric is about to be cut off soon .. Why??? Well because I refuse to pay the damm bill! I have spoken with Con Ed many times. I let them know that I wanted someone to come out and see why my bill each month is over 200.00. I mean everybody that I know get normal bills like 80.00 or so dollars.. My bill is not normal. Some of my neighbors have 2 or 3 AC's which add up to my 12,00 BTU unit and they still dont get the high bill like me.

Con Ed does not want to come out. They said that it was because its summer and I am using the AC... Freaking idiots. So now my bill is up to 1,000 and I am guess I am going to have to pay the damn thing. If its not one thing its another I tell you.

Then my mother is too much sometimes.... Before she left to Florida, we went to Circuit City together. While there I bought a movie and she wanted the same one, BUT she didnt have the money to spend. She asks me if I can put it on my credit card. I did without a problem. Movie came out to 23.00 Ok.....She came back from Florida and Ben was strapped for cash so he asked her if she could lend him 20.00 to get back and forth to work. She lent it to him. Before she left she had told me that she would give me the money for the movie when she got back. I said Ok... Well she got back and I didnt want to ask her for it. I felt bad... Today while we were talking she asked me if Ben had gotten paid. I said Yes, She goes on to tell me "He owes me 20.00." I couldnt believe it.. He knows he owes her money.. he jjust got paid today!... SO I say "Well you owe me 20.00 too.. She goes No I dont. For what?? I tell her" For the movie that you wanted before you left. "What movie?" she says. I tell her "the movie that you wanted Etc Etc.. She goes "Didnt I pay for that already?" UMMM Nooo how could you pay for it when you were in Florida?" She just says "Ohhh"...

I would have never asked her for that money. I would have paid my credit card bill myself. After all its 20.00 BUT when she threw that in my face I couldnt stay shut... So either she can call it equal or Ben will give her the money, but she is just going to have to give it back anyway... Sucks when you have family like this right?

Ughhh I am getting annoyed right now, My son keeps on repeating his famous quote "I'm BORED". "SIGH" ... No matter what he is always bored. I told him he can color, draw , read, play with the thousands of toys they have, or watch a movie. Noo all that is boring too. He wants to go out. Little does he know I would like to go out too, If only I had money to go somewhere. They dont understand that we just dished out 327. 00 so that they can have TV... and I can have the Internet... I am broke right now...

Sooo let me go see if I can find a good movie that we can all watch.... Wish me luck OK..

Hope all is well out here in J-land... Big hugs to ALL of you!!!!

Tweety & School

2007-09-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

Calling all Tweety fans, Look what I made!....... Tried a new Tut.... This time it was learning how to create a swirl.... Everything else was my idea LOL...

Its cute! If you want it let me know :)

School started today and it was GOOD.. I was a lil upset this morning though... Reason: Well I took my oldest son to school today because I figured that I could help him find out where his class and meet his teacher... Well come to find out that Parents WERE not allowed in the school yard!!! SOOO the new children my son included had to find their classes and where to line up themselves.... I was nervous because I know how my son is... He will stand around not daring to ask anyone questions and then after awhile he will just start crying.... I stood there till ALLLL the classes went inside the school just to make sure that he went with a class and wouldnt be left in the yard.

I was worried all day, BUT for nothing ..When I finally picked him up he told me that he actually asked someone to direct him and then he was fine... WOW I am sooo proud of my baby! I didnt expect that from him but I guess he is growing up and I am jusst being too overprotective.

He pretty much enjoyed his day and he likes the new school.. He showed me his schedule and I was just amazed that my baby is actually in Middle School! He finds it so cool that he doesnt have to stay in one classroom the whole eight hrs... WOW I remember when I was in Junior High! DAMMMMM I cant believe my baby is there!

My other 2 babies were fine.... They both said they had a GREAT day... I think it was more the fact that the school backyard now has a playground... They didnt have anything but a yard before... My kiddies looked sooooo adorable this morning! I wanted to take pics so that I could show them off and my dumb azz forgot all about it until they were in school LOL... SHEESHH.. BUT I will take some tomorrow LOL...

I came home and did what I havent done in a loooooong time (NO NOT SLEEP) I cleaned my house thouroughly! It felt good to be back into cleaning mode LOL.... No sooner was I finished that I realizeed it was already time to go get the kids..Dammmm time goes fast when you dont want it to..

I went and got them, then we went to the supermarket... By the time we got home I made them take showers, do homework (YESS they got HW already) and then they ate dinner and watched an hr of TV and then it was off to bed at 9:00PM.. Let me tell you those kiddies were alsleep 5 mins later. SOmething that has not happened since summer began.

Hopefully tomorrw goes as smooth... I still have to write about the DRAMA that is going on with my neighbors and "Supposed" friends of mine, But I will do that tomorrow. Right now I am off to bed because I am TIRED...

Goodnight all ..

Love and Hugs to ALL

Angelic...

2007-09-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

I just made this one... I like it.... I learned how to make an image appear as if it were torn out of a magazine......Still learning and still following tuts... But guess what?? I filled 2 tag request LOL... Omg can't believe that I am actually learning... If you guys see anything you like feel free to request..

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kiddies.. I am kind of nervous and excited all at the same time... I will update tomorrow on how it all went and I ALSO have to write about possibly being betrayed by someone I really considered my friend :(

Goodnight and I hope you all enjoyed your BBQ'S LOL..

Love and Hugs to alll ;)

I'm sorry, one last one LOL ..Couldn't resist

2007-09-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Ain't he cute??? LOL... Couldn't resist sharing... I resized image and then added the border... After that I made a lil areea to add the name... OK I"M OUT OF HERE LOL

Tag I made in a group I joined

2007-09-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

I recently joined a group because I needed some tutorials to follow from LOL... I must say it is helping but the amount of mail that I get is crazy! I am in Beginners's LOL so this tag is not anything grand, just a cute something.

Hope everyone is doing good and are already prepared for the new school year.. I am done and ready LOL... Now I just need to find something to do while my brats are in school.

Want to wish a Happy and SAFE Labor day Weekend!!! Enjoy!

P.S. If anyone likes the above tag so much that you cant live without LOL I can add any name on it... Let me know...

Here I learned how to Add Text in a path... Nice huh??

Here I learned how to use layers and Masks!! I'm almost there LOL.... It's pretty COOL... Hope you guys LIKE..

I learned with this Tut how to make Tags from scratch, Cute, Notice how he is holding up my name LOL.. I'm corny right

Last one for tonight, I did a border and frame with this tag... Its kind of plain but now I know how to do it with other tags... I hope you like them all.... Can you guys please give me some feedback as to what you think, ... Have a goodnight all

Love and HUGS to all my J-land friends and to those of you who are going thru some hard times right now Stay Strong and Keep your heads up!!!

School shopping, and an Emotional Breakdown

2007-08-26T22:26:00.000-07:00

To all of my friends who come to check up on me every now and again... Right about now my mood is not too great. I have a headache and I am very annoyed. Before I get into why I am in this mood, let me just say that I have finally taken care of 90 percent of my kids school things.

My mind is finally at ease. Today Ben and I went Downtown and bought most of what was needed. Since all 3 of my children wear uniforms it was quite easy because we went to the store knowing ahead of time what we were going to get. It turned out way better than I expected. We did not spend as much as I thought we were. My initial budget was to spend 200.00 on each child, WELL Lo and behold we actually spent 207.00 on ALLL 3 children.!!!! (Well just on Clothes) I got my daughter, a uniform dress, skirt, pant, skort, 4 packs of stockings, and 2 button down blouses. She can not complain this yr about only having the option of wearing the dress like last yr. This yr I made SURE I got all 4 LOL... Her colors are Pink Blouse, and Burguny and Grey Plaid bottom. For the boys I got 2 pairs each of Dickies Trousers as these always look good with any footwear that I choose to get them. My littlest son wears Grey pants and then the oldest now needs to wear Navy Blue. They each got 2 White button down shirts. And theirs ties.... One Navy Blue and White Plaid and the other Burgundy and Grey Plaid... That was it for clothing... Next week I will buy the boys 2 more pants each and about 3 more white shirts since BOYS love to ruin these white shirts.

Next it was on to Payless where they were having THE BOGO sale.. Buy one get one half off.. I got my daughter a pair of Brats Hi top Converse Style sneakers and a pair of Black Casual Dress shoes.. There I spent 30.00. The boys I DO NOT buy at Payless because with boys (in my opinion you have to spend a lil more for them to look good) SO I am going to go to Footlocker with a coupon that I have for 40% off. I will either get them a pair of sneakers or boots, its up to them.

OMG You wont believe that Ben and I then searched hi and low in just about every Dept Store looking for a dammmm High SchoolMusical Backpack!!!!!!!! They were sold out everywhere!!! I felt so bad because about 2 weeks ago my daugter and I were shopping and we seen it and she asked me to get it for her and I told her that we still had enough time to get it.... AND NOW they are nowhere to be found.. UGHHH I should have just gotten it then.. Anyway we finally ended up in Burlington Coat Factory where I finally just settled for a pretty Bratz Backpack and I picked up the boys each a backpack. There I spent 69.00. I can hardly believe I spent that much for bookbags but these kids are gettting older now(and besides Katie getting a character one) So I had to splurge a lil more for the boys. Man the older they get the more expensive they are.

Finally we were done for today. I still need to get the boys footwear , a Looseleaf Binder, Looseleaf paper, Crayons, and Pens. OHH and their Uniform Cardigans for the Fall and Winter.... But at least I got the majority out of the way.

We get home and I am excited to show them their stuff. I also wanted them to try it on to see if I needed to do any returns. Thank Goodness it all fits, though I need to take my daughters stuff to the tailor to get it fitted. I swear the girl is soo skinny but tall. Which means the length fits perfectly but then the waist is sooo big! One of my pet peeves LOL...

ANyway here is where my headaches comes on. As you all know my sister is staying with me while my mom is in Florida. So far I have had no problems with her. She has been obeying the rules and such. That is till today. I had mentioned to her when she first came that it was ok with me that her bestfriend stay over one night. Well a couple of days ago the friend decided that she wanted to come over about 9:30pm... I told her no because to me it was too late for a 16 yr old to be coming out alone , and I didnt appreciate someone coming at that time. Whatever it was fine... Well today I came across an Instant Message between the friend and my sister... The friend wanted to know if she could come over today.... So my sister writes back UMM I dont know if Stephanie would want you to come today.. SO the friend gets an attitude and writes back "Well you know what then I am never going over there because when its ok for me she says no and when its ok for her its not ok withme." SO I asked my sister whats wrong with her?? Since I wasnt even ASKED today if she can come over. Obviosly my sister must have not wanted her company because she just came up with that reason herself.. Then the friend writes Well you can also tell her that she could have said Thank you for the food(Yesterday my sister brought us some food from a BBQ that the friend had at her house).. Ok so when I read that comment I started to get upset because I was like first of all I havent even talked to her yet so How could I have said Thank U?? AND Second of all this damm girl wants to have an attitude with me when I dont even know whats going on!! SO I ask my sister again What is wrong with her friend... My sister starts yelling and carrying on about how nosy I am and how I never want her friend to come over here.. I'm looking at her like WTF??? UMMM I am nosy... Remember its my computer you are on and if you dont like it you can get off! SO I start yelling back and we are now arguing and I am getting really upset because I am trying to tell my sister that I am not upset with her but with her friend... My sister does not want to hear that... She gets up and says I am leaving and she starts packing her stuff... SO after awhile I say you know what Do whatever the hell you want I am not going to stress myself out... So next thing you know my mother calls and asks me for her.. SO I tell her Welll she is over there packing, She asks me why and where is she going .. I tell her I dont know and I dont care, So she asks to put her on the phone.... I can hear my sister telling her shit but I am not saying anything.... Then I take the phone and CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MY MOTHER HAS THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT I NEED TO GROW UPPPPP!!! She says that its not right that I dont want the friend to come since I said it was ok.... She starts telling me how I always have my friends kids over here and I never tell them anything.... I hear myself trying to explain to her that I did not tell this freaking girl No today but she doesnt want to hear it she just wants to keep tellling me about my friends... SO I am soooo frustrated right now because WTF this is my house I pay the rent and even if I didnt want the friend to come SO WHAT??? So I start to choke up and start crying because no matter what I do I am always wrong in this lady's eyes,... So I just tell you know what whatever!! and I hang up... My sister gets dressed and leaves with her boyfriend leaving all her stuff here so I assume she's coming back!

My mother calls about an hr later talking like nothing has happened( something happened with my other sister) But I dont want to hear it.. She then tells me that my sister is coming back to my house, that she just went to take a walk to calm down... I'm like I dont care if what she does and where she stays.. and I hang up. Of course I feel bad but I dont want to hear it!

Ben and I start to watch the Davinci Code.( very confusing but good movie)... Sister walks in at 12:00am asking me if I want some Chinese rice and I pay no mind to her. AS I am sitting here writing this she just passed by and kissed me on the cheek. Now everyone wants to let bygones be bygones huh???? Its always like this. I dont want to hear none of it, when I am good and ready I will talk to you because I did not deserve to be treated like that.

Did I mention that Ben is going to be a GODFATHER?? You guys all remember my sis in law who used to have a journal for a lil while... ( If you dont know go back a few entries and read about her, We are still not talking to each other) I actually contacted her through Myspace messaging and she wrote back.. But other than that we have not spoken.. I will make on entry on that issue seperately. Anyway she has a daughter which is about 9 mths. Ben recently told me ( 1 week ago) that his brother asked him if he wanted to baptize the baby. Ben said that he wasnt sure because he didnt know how I would feel since they didnt ask me to be the Godmother.... Well when he told me about it my first reaction of course was to feel insulted, Like how come I wasnt asked to do it with him??? SO Ben said "You know what I dont want to do it if it is going to bother you because you are my wife and I dont want to hurt you.... I told him Look that is your niece and I am NOT going to tell you to say NO... I feel bad but ultimately it is up to you... I wont be mad at you at all... SO he said he would think about it... and I never heard about it again.

So today while we were out his brother calls to let him know that the baptism was going to be on Sept 9th.... SO Ben tells me that he is going ... ANd I was Like of course you are going since you are the Godfather , He says NO Im not and Im like What??? He said that he decided to turn down his brothers offer because he didnt feel comfortable doing it without me... I tell him that I didnt care if he did it... I dont want him to say no just because of me ,,,, Not only that I know that she will start to talk about the fact that Ben said No and what kind of family is he.. So I tell him if he really wants to do it to go ahead, UNDER one condition though, the Godmother CAN NOT be her sister.... ANd he knows why ( another entry) SO we find out it is not her sister so I guess he is the Godfather after all....

I am not going to lie and say that it doesnt bother me because it does.... I feel like Why didnt they ask me too if they wanted him knowing that we are a couple?? Also in my opinion it is easier to pick a couple than 2 seperate people who do not even know each other......Ben doesnt even know the chick who is going to do it with him, and now he has to get in contact with her to make arrangements for an after Ceremony and I guess to discuss the financial side of this... Which is another thing they tell him like 2 weeks ahead of the official date and now we have no money saved for this.. He just has to take it out of somewhere....But he can not say no to his brother because I wouldnt say no to mine...

Ben and I are already Godparent's to his brothers first daughter and they know that we take care of her whenever she needs something, or when she is down here... We did it more before she went to Florida but still up to this day if the mom calls and tells me she needs something I make sure that she gets it... SO its not that they dont know that I would make a good responsible Godparent ... so what is it???

Wow this is a looong entry... right now my mind is in so many places that I can keep on writing and writing......

I still have soooo many things to do... Its like I can not get all that I need done DONE... I still have to get those papers filled out for this damm caseworker, I have to get my kids all physicals, plus my oldest needs to get a shot before he goes into Middle School... I need to do laundry BUT I still havent put away last monts laundry because I HAVE to clean out their drawers first. The list goes on but these are the most importantthings.

I also feel like I am getting myself into something that I am not going to be able to completely control, I am not ready to write this in here yet but I will eventually....

WeLL I am finally going to end this... Thank you girlies for always commenting and making me feel better...

P.S. I also found out yesterday that my son's father is having another baby .... BUT this I have to go into another entry because its a DOOZIE!

Goodnight alll and Take Care of Yourselves... LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL!!!

Finally, A real Entry!

2007-08-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends! I know I have't really made a real entry in here for the longest so here it goes....

A few entries back I mentioned that I was going through a process with City Drs. to determine whether or not I was able to work... This process has been very tiring and at times even humiliating. Well finally they gave me an appt to go back for the FINAL. At this appt I would know what their decision was... Well basically the Idiot Drs. determined that Yes I was incapable of working BUT just for a month!

What kind of idiots are they? If I am not better in 7 yrs dealing with this crap, what makes them think that I will be better in a month's time??? When she told me this, I just chuckled and said "Whatever", Just tell me what's my next step... The next step was an appt for some sort of rehabilatation place... There they assign me a Case Manager and He or She is to "supposedly" help me get better... Well yesterday I went to this appt ... For one I get over there at 12:30pm.... She takes my appt letter and tells me to have a seat, Someone will be right out to call me.... 1 hr later , No one has called me... I finally get up and ask her "What's going on"?.. She says "Ohh your next to be called"... 20 mins later a man calls my name along with 2 other people.. Now I am wondering how he is possibly going to see all 3 of us at the same time??.. HMMM Weird....

Well the Jackass then leads us into another room... There he tells us to have a seat and someone will be calling us shortly.. WTH??? I know he didn't just take us from sitting in the front to have us sit in the back!@!! What kind of sense does that make??? Not only that but people that were called before me while I was sitting in the front are also back here STILL waiting to be called! This is ridiculous... Now I am pissed the hell off!! I can feel my anxiety start to creep up on me but I try to calm myself down and thankfully my lil sister was there to talk to..

About 45 mins later, this tall woman who body says otherwise calls me name and I am told to followher. She then introuduces herself as my Case Worker. I tell her "Well if you can fix me in a month's time, I will be sooo happy.. She says"Well we are not the ones who fix you, basically you are going to fix yourself by going to your Primary Care Physician and Pysch. UMMM, Helloooo I then tell her that I HAVE been seeing my private DR. on a regular basis. As for the Pysch I currently do not have one because I cant find one who will accept my insurance. She says " Well thats what we will work on, getting you a Pysch". Ok whatever! I then ask her Listen, What happens if in a month's time I come back and things have not changed, Will I have to go thru the same process?? She looks at me and says "I don't know".

:Sigh: I honestly can not deal with this anymore... These people actually think that I WANT to go through this ridiculous bullshit!! I would give anything to wake up in the morning and be normal! I don't enjoy feeling like this... I dont enjoy being stuck at home the days that I am too scared to go out alone.. I dont enjoy feeling like I cant breathe and feeling so damm dizzy that I can't even walk straight.. I dont enjoy not being able to do things with my children while their dad is at work. For the past 7 yrs I have lived a life that I do not enjoy! Yes I am happy that I am alive , that I am able to care for my children, and see them grow but I am not happy with myself! No I do not stay at home and waste my life away... I DO force myself to do things ... Like take my kids to Drs appts, Grocery shopping, and whatever else that NEEDS to be done. I do what I have to do..... ANyways... I don't know why I bother to try and explain myself because no matter how hard I try to explain to people how I feel, No one understands and they think that its not that bad.... I tell you, If any of these people who have looked down upon me were to walk a day in my life... they wouldn't dare talk shit! I am done trying to explain to people what exactly it is that I am feeling. They dont understand anyway, Once I mention the word ANXIETY people think ... WELL how can bad can Anxiety be, SO what if your anxious.... I wish Drs would come up with a better name for this because honestly I am sick of people dpwnplaying it.

So I walked out of that place with 2 different envelopes, one for my private Dr and one for my Pysch(which I still do not have). I am to go back on Sept 7th with these forms filled with whether or not MY Drs think I can work.. Let's see what happens... I just got a phone call from my "Case Manager" . I let my answering machine pick up and she says that she has information for me... I guess she found me a Pysch, WHOOPIE DOO!

Everything else on the homefront is fine so far.... The only thing that is stressing me out right now is that school is 2 weeks away and I STILL am not even close to finishing. I did buy some supplies at Staples but I still need Uniforms, Shoes, T-shirts and Bookbags. UGHHH and right now I have no money to buy these things. Ben gets paid today so basically his whole check will go towards school. I also asked my son's dad to give me money and he said he would give me 200.00 this week. Let's see if that happens.

Another issue that I am having is the whole transportation thing with my oldest son. He wants to go to this school that is about an hr away by bus. Now this is a REALLY GOOD school , I also want him to go there BUT I dont think he is ready to take 2 buses alone. Not only that but I am NOT ready for him to take 2 City buses alone!. Not with all these bullies and idiots are the streets. I looked into private transportation. I spoke to this one man who said that he has been taking children back and forth to this school for 16 yrs. He asked me my information. I then asked him how much does he charge? Well basically it is 42.50 a week... Hey to me it is not that bad. I will know that my child is safe and he is being driven directly to the school and the directly back to the house. A small sacrifice to make me feel at ease.. Problem is that the man hasnt gotten back to me. He said that he would get back to me once he found out his schedules. I pray he calls, matter of fact I think I should call him.

Does anyone know how I can go about finding a job that I can work from home?. I have thinking about this for the longest but I dont know how or where to find these jobs. I see different advertising in different places but I dont know if I can trust these sites. So if anyone knows a legit place that I can look into please let me know. It can be doing anything.. It doesnt have to be working on the computer either. I am also open to assembling things or even stuffing envelopes. I just need something to bring in extra income while beingable to stay in my comfort zone. Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Ohh BTW anyone interested in exchanging postcards let me know... I received and sent my first postcard. Debbie from England sent me a beautiful postcard of where she lives... I in return sent her one of New York. My kids thought this was so cool. They were very excited to know that I have a friend all the way in England. LOL. So not only was it fun for me but it was fun for my kiddies as well. It would be cool to have postcards from different places. I was thinking of making a collage of them for the kids. SO if anyone is interested let me know.

Hmm what else has been going on?? My mom is away vacationing in Florida. I must say that I miss her LOL... I talk to her every day and she sounds like she is having a great time. Not only that but she is able to enjoy some time away from her kids being that my littlest sister is staying with me and the other one stood at home. So far my little sister has been behaving. In fact it has been rather nice having her around. I sat down with her and her boyfriend and explained to the importance of safe sex and all. I told them they are going to do what they want but that to remember all actions are followed ny consequences. They seemed to understand and hopefully the heed my warnings. He has been here everyday to see her. He is a nice guy, so maybe they will last. Today he took her out because it is their 5th mth anniversary LOL... OHHH to be young and in love again...Well I am still in love but not young LMAO..

Summer is almost over and I am elated. Lately in New York it has been rainy and chilly. I love the chilly part but cant stand the rain LOL. I am so ready for Fall and Winter. I noticed that during these season my anxiety is not that bad. The heat makes me feel like I am being suffocated.... SO winter cant come soon enough for me!

Well I have to go and clean up and see what I am going to do today... I have reading and commenting in journals..... I hope of you are good.. Thanks for always being there to read my whines LOL... I am blessed to have you guys! See you later!

Just wanted to share

2007-08-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I made this with a tube that was sent to me by Debbie, Rest are just some that I have gotten from various websites that are free to use. I don't want to get caught up in the tube drama. Every knows that I can NOT create my own tubes LOL>..So for now I am using the artwork of talented others. When I get better at this then I will actually think about purchasing some tubes...

Hi , I just wanted to pop in really quick and share my latest creations :P..

I really need to update on what happened with the Dr.

So I promise that tomorrow that will be the first thing I'll do!!!

Love and Hugs

Steph

I'm too excited LOL..

2007-08-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, this is not going to be a real entry... I am being lazy with entries .... Sorry ... Nothing new that I can whine about LOL... BUT I am going to share with you guys my first glitter animation that I've done that I actually like enough to share... There it is , right there on the top LOL... My first glitter ani that I made for my lil girl... She loves it... TY Debbie and Donna for helping me!

If anyone wants one for let me know.....

Hope everyone is well...

Real Entry coming soon, Stay tuned! Btw I just noticed that it would look better on a white background, dont know why though LOL

Love & Hugs Steph

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Just made this one for my son , As you can see some places I missed with the glitter but still havent figured out how to go and fix it...

One last one 4 th night, This one is for my lil sis and her boyfriend...

I cant sleep!!!

2007-08-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ok So I can't sleep, and what do I do..Of course mess with this obssesion of mine LOL....Even though I am mad at Ben I could not resist adding his and my name.... I dont know why it came out so big but now I am getting tired and I dont want to fix or mess with PSP anymore... Just wanted to share my newest..HMMMM what shall I call these .... Welll lets just call it my newest disaster for now LOL... These are in no way perfect and I know I still have a llllooooooong way to go but I am ok with the way these have come out.... I cant wait till the day that I am a pro like you guys , When it will take all of 5 mins to come up with something instead of 3 hrs LOL... But hey we all begin somewhere.. SO I hope you guys like them and dont worry I am not forcing you guys to want them LOL.....

Ughh the landlady is coming tomorrow at 10 am and I am still up which means I am NOT going to want to wake up tomorrow that early .... Let me try to put my behind to sleep....

Queen I am!

2007-08-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

Ok I tried it again and WAAA LAAA(SP) LOL.... Now I just need to learn different techiques and styles.... OMG I have someone how lives downstairs from me, Well to make a long story short his wife left him to go to Miami. She was gone since the ending of May.. Well she is back and along with her is the freaking smell of WEED! I can't stand it! It is annoying the hell out of me right now. Since she was gone it has been quiet down there and no foriegn odors wafting up to my apt, but shes been here since yesterday and along with her came the smells. I guess I am going to have to make a phone call to this landlady because I am NOT going to go the rest of the yr smelling this shit....

Anyway let me know what you guys think and if you like it feel free to snag LOL or I can add your name instead even though most of my readers already know how to do it themselves..HEHEHHEE ... Ohhh well let me go back and play with my new toy LOL... BTW :( I only have 15 days left on this fee trial..... AWWWWW BUT Debbie said she would mail my a copy so hopefully I get it soon :))))

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Another one I made a lil later on... I don't know how to do anything else yet LOL..I tried messing with Glitter but it came out a mess soooo I need to figure that out now.. I'll just wait till Debbie sends me the tutorial for that LOL..... Its fun and it sure does occupy your time ..... Well I think thats about it for today... Goodnight alll....

Look!!! I did one!!

2007-08-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

I finally did one!!! Debbie(from Deb's Dab's) sent me a tutorial that she had and I followed it, Of course I ran into some trouble BUT at the end I figured it out and it worked!!! Finally... I showed my kids and they liked it LOL.... I must say thank you and give shout outs to Donna(This, That and Hockey and D's Designs and Debbie (Deb's Dab's and Whatever)... These 2 wonderful ladies helped me out tremendously and told me NOT to give up! Thank you Girlies!!! MUAHHHH! LOL Here it is............ TAAAA DAAA!

Now let's see if I can do another one with a different tube...

Update: I am still not talking to Ben, and he still hasnt told me anything besides the fact that he just went to get us food. But like I said I am not going to stress over it... Whatever happens happens......

I'll be back sooon with more... Hope everyone has had a great day so far...Take Care yourselves

Love & Hugs

OK I'm DONE !

2007-08-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ok I'm done with it... I am frustrated with this PSP because for the life of me I can not figure it all. Most of my day has been spent searching online for tutorials... I find some and they seem fairly easy but then I will get stuck at a certain part and I can not figure it out! Thanks to Donna (TYVM!!) I know have Animation shop 3 but I still can not figure out what I am doing wrong. I dont know what images to use for the animation and I dont know what images to use for Paint shop Pro.. So I am stuck ... And I dont know what else to do. I am obssessed because I hate giving up. I am determined to figure this out but I can't LOL....

On another more personal note I am done with Ben. I am extremely frustrated and disgusted with him right now. It started yesterday when I asked him if he wanted me to meet him somewhere after work so that we can go and cash his check. There was no specific reason for me wanting to cash his check it was just me wanting to get out of the house. Anyway so then he brings up that his friend from work offered to drive him to a check cashing place and then drive him to a place where supposely they had good and different kinds of sandwiches. So I said Fine , go ahead siince you are going in the car. Well he called me at about 9:40 to let me know that they were on the way to the cashier now... I asked why since he gets out of work at 9. He gave me a reason and I said fine. He said he would call me when they got to the place so that he could ask me what I want. Ok so its now 10:40 and Ben still hasnt called. SO I called him to see what was going on. Well lo and behold he doesnt pick up his phone. So I keep trying..No answer.... Now I am getting pissed but then another part of me is worried that something may have happened while cashing his check... So of course I try and try. I even texted him..NOTHING! So at about 11:00 he finally calls me back and I ask him whats going on??? I said Why didnt you call me... His answer was I didnt hear my phone ringing or vibrating...Ok Now that really pissed me off because when we are at home the minute his phone rings he is running to it because he says that he needs to be in constant contact with his employees.. So now you tell me that you didnt hear the freaking phone... SO I asked him Ok so why didnt you call me to tell me that you were in the store... He says "Well we are on the way back home, I already have the food , I chose 2 different sandwiches.WTF Why didnt you call me and let me know what they had. ?What was the big deal.?? Now I am starting to get suspicious because he always calls first to ask what we want because he knows how picky we are. So I start yelling at him insisting that he tell me the truth and to stop playing games! By the way he is talking to me he sounds weird. I am furious! I ask him where is he... and he tells me that he is on the BQE.. What the hell are you doing on the BQE??? Of course I am yelling at him becasue I hate to be lied to or played games with. So he hangs up the phone on me..... I call back and NO ANSWER.. I call and call, NO ANSWER.. I must have called at least 30 times! No lie! and he wouldnt pick up the phone!

So now I am not only furious but I am hurt as well, that he feels that he can play these stupid games with me. Everytime he goes out its always the same thing. He forgets that he has a family at home. I dont know what he was doing but of course your mind wanders and you start thinking stupid shit.... I have my reasons for not trusting him(for new readers go back and look in the archives) So yes Now I am thinking that he is messing around. I dont care if he wanted to hang out with his friends but he should have been honest and let me know not have us waiting here for food... The kids kept on asking me when he was going to get home, they even called him and he didnt answer...The idiot didnt get home until 12:30 am, and to top it all off he brought 2 sandwiches to feed 4 people and they werent even nothing to call momma about!!!!! I was contemplating not even letting him come in the house but of course I can not be that cruel... and besides I think since my daughter seen how upset I was (I was tearing) she started to cry and I felt so bad for her because this was the first time she ever did this... So I let him in and I basically told him that I am through with his games. I told him to stay away from me and I dont want to be bothered. I told him it was wrong what he did. And for some reason I look like the bad guy because he trys to twist everything and say that I was the one flipping out just cause he was out for a few hrs. What an ASS! I wasnt flipping out cause he went out I was flipping out because we were home waiting on him because he said he was going to get US something to eat! I dont regret most of what I said But me wanting to hurt him as much as I was hurting .. I yelled out "Well you know thats why I am already cheating on you!! Now I know this isnt the truth because how the hell would I even meet someone anyway if I am always home. I said it because I couldnt stand the thought that he could messing around on me while I am home beng faithful like an idiot. So I wanted him to feel like I did...which I know is wrong but I couldnt help it. Let him think about me being with someone eles maybe he will realize what he is about to lose.. I am tired of it! He is a good guy....except when he is around his friends..

He slept on my daughters bed and I slept alone ... it kind of bothered me but only for a minute that I just enjoyed having the bed alllll to myself! I am not going to give in and talk to him and forgive him... He disrespeted me and until he realizes that then F! him..

To top it all off, I had a terrrible time at the freaking Dr's office. Remember this is a city Dr who I have to see to determine whether or not I can work , also mandatory for me to attend so that I can still get foodstamps and rental assistance... (Those of you who read this and judge me because you think I am welfare, I just want to say Dont judge until you can walk a day in my shoes! I have worked and paid taxes, I have been to College, and I am not on Welfare,, because in NY receiving FoodStamps DOES not mean that you are on Welfare..If you want to know more then go back and read about WHY I am not working right now, OHHH and Ben works and pays child support TO ME well not to me but to the state JUST so I can continue to get the little help that they give, and Mind you I do not get any bit of the Child Support they keep it ALL!) Anyways sorry I just had to let that be known because I know a lot of people right away look down on others for this reason.

Well as you all know I have this anxiety crap which makes me not want to go out alone,, Now I have this appt . I call the receptionist to see if she can reschedule me for another date so that someone can go with me, But she says that she can only give me a date for 2 weeks from now and that most likely that will affect my case and it can be closed....Now I have no choice but to go in... So I say F! it I'll just go ..... I get all of us dressed and I feel the anxiety already coming on but I continue... It takes me an hr and a half to get there. My appt was at 1 I got there at 2. I know I was late but hey at least I am there right??

So I get there and do you know what she says??? She tells me "I'm sorry but I am going to have to reschedule you because the DR left at 1:30.. WTF.... How can the Dr leave at 1:30 if my appt was for 1pm.... She then tells me that he is only there from 1 to 1:30. WHAT!!!!!!!!!! No where on my appt letter does it state anything like that.. HOW can a DR only see patients for a hf hr??? SO I tell her "I spoke to YOU and let you know my situation and YOU told me to come in!!! Now you are saying that I came out here almost having an panic attack with my kids ALONE! and you are telling me I can not be seen..... I broke down and much to my dissapointment I started getting hysterical crying right there! I tried to compose myself but I was just soooo sick of it all! Sick of feeling like a fucking invalid and sick of having to go to these bullshit DRS!! SO they are just looking at me .. and I listening to both of the tellling one another.."Well do you want to go in and ask him if will see her??? ANd the other one says "WELL I dont feel like getting yelled at today so I am not going in.... They keep on saying this over and over! I couldnt fucking believe it! I am still trying to calm down and I tell Listen whatever just give me another appt I just want to get out of here.....I couldnt stop crying no matter how hard I tried... I was embarrassed as well because there were other people there. I was ashamed because I let these people get to me like this.. AND I was pissed because here I am crying like this in front of my kids!

So I asked for a bathroom and I took the kids and went in there and calmed myself down! When I came out the freaking stupid &^*%$# tells me that the Dr is willing to see me..... AFTER ALLTHIS! SO I go back there expecting to see this arrogant young idiotic DR and what do I see a freaking old monkey looking man!! This is who they are scared of?????? MY GOD! He looked like he needed to be in a nursing home thats how old he was... 10 Mins later I am out of there... ALL THAT DRAMA for a 10 minute session! AND he was a Cardiologist... Thats how much he cares about his patients that he would turn them away... So I need to get an ECHO done and a 24 Hr heart monitor... WHICH I already had done. They just keep on repeating the same shit over and over... I am DONE! I am sick of letting this crap hold me back! I cant work, I cant have fun, I can do anything!

WOW I know this is a lonnnnng entry I do apologize!

I am also soo sick of this heat!!! It is soo hot and humid out here.. Not to mention the day before yesterday we had a mini TORNADO out here in NY. The lightening and thunder were soooo loud and BAD! The rain was just crazy.. I didnt even look out the window but I heard that trees were down and even the subway service was down for the entire morning till 3 pm!! Thats crazy! My electric bill came out to 213.00 this month..ONE MONTHS BILL and I dont even have a big apt... But I need the AC on all day because I can not stand the heat makes me feel worse than I already felt. I am so ready for winter.. I am thinking about moving to where it is COLD all yr round!

Well I will end this now.... If you read all of this THANK YOU for hanging in there and hearing me out! I so needed to vent ... My Chest was hurting because of how much I was soo frustrated. Hope all of you ladies are hanging in there and all of you are doing well! I have been reading and commenting every now and then when I am not stressing over PSP LOL.... If anyone has tutorials that they can email me I will be soooo HAPPY!

LOVE & HUGS to ALL!

Ok I know I promised But one last thing..

2007-08-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

OK, as I been looking at different tuts, I've noticed that alot of them refer to the older versions of PSP.(Such as 7, 8, 9). I could only download the latest version which was 11. Now from what I am understanding the older versions of PSP came with Animation shop for free. With this version I dont think Animation shop was included. Which is what I really want to do LOL.. I've looked online to see if I can download a trial for one of the older versions but to no avail. Only the most recent is showing up so far. Which sucks big time because I dont even think any of the stores will carry it if I wanted to buy it. AND in NYC(brooklyn) it is rare that we bump into a yard sale, which is probably a good spot to find an older version.. SO I need help.. If any of you guys can email me file, (if thats even possible) OR (I know it might be asking alot LOL) if anyone can possibly burn a copy and would so kind as to mail it to me..( I can pay a fee for your trouble :) )...OR! if anyone knows a website that I can download the program from.

I know I sound like I'm begging......... WELL I AM LOL... It's like leaving the cookie jar on the counter and just a teeny weenie bitty crumb was left ... I tasted it but now the cookies are too far out of my reach LOL.... I WANT MORE.... I had fun messing with the brushes but I know I'll have even more fun with Animation and Glitters...PLUS there arent too many tuts for this darn new version,.... AND WHY didnt they include Animation shop in the new one ... Thats weird !!

So anyone pleaseeeeee.... Pretty pleaseeeee with a cookie on top????

Get back at me LOL...Now I am off to bed since there are no more tuts for me "Sniffle Sniffle"

Goodnight my friends.....

Another one using same tut

2007-08-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

Ok I like this one a lil better but for some reason the whole bodies are not coming out. I am using the paint brush for the background, and then the blend feature. I want to look for a different style though. Something that already has a background . I also just want to learn how to animate stuff instead of doing all this work LOL... I'm going to keep on trying but any advice on how to animate and get those cute lil graphics is welcomed...:P

Thank you D for making me feel good LOL.... I know I have a long waysssss to go but for the meantime at least I still have you guy's beautiful tags to collect.... Ok I promise this is the last entry for tonight. Any other stuff that I come up with I'll leave for tomorrow .. HAHAHHA

Also tomorrow I will do a real entry and update on whats up around here. Tomorrow I have a Dr.s appt to the see the Cardiologist. I am not very excite on going because Ben wil be at work and I will have to go alone with the kids. Kinda of scary for me. It's funny that I am having fun with this Psp thing back in the back of my mind something keeps nagging to remind that I still have this anxiety crap and I shouldnt get too happy. Also I feel like a bad mom LOL because I have been paying attention to this PSP thing....What I like about it is for the whole time I am working on something it like takes me out of reality and I am not worrying about anything.

Well Take care of yourselves, Hugs to all .... Nighty Nite ..

YAYYYY I did one!!

2007-08-07T20:59:00.000-07:00

Hi all... I have been away for a couple of days... NOOO nothing is wrong with me lol... But I get to put the blame on something for my absense... HEHEHE ..Well ever since downloading this PSP (free trial) I have been obssesing with trying to figure it out. SoOOO I have been looking for tutorials, and lo and behold I found one that was really easy to follow after 25 times LOL.... SOOOOO guess what this is my first creation which is named GRUNGE LOL... Yes I will admit its not the prettiest thing and I have seeenn wayyyyy better from my artist friends LOL.. BUT I finally came up with something.. SO just wanted to share.... LOL I am excited and I am off to try and do something else..Thing is that AOL freaking froze on me closing all open programs and now I dont remember the site that helped me... AGGGHHHHH now I have to go and search again and pray that I find it... BUMMMER..

Hope you all are well.... A big hug to all my girly girls... And to Deb ..Ty so much for the postcard... It was great! I love your little town and you're right I would loveeee to live there. It looks really nice and peaceful. My kids got a kick out of seeing me get a post card from another part of the world. We went and picked a couple of post cards in the city and they are dying to send them off... Only thing girly I dont know if I am blind but I dont see a return address LOL.... So let me know if I am missing it.. My postcards will be in the mail sooonnn!

Goodnight all and dont laugh too much at my grunge creation :)))))

AHHHH I can't get it.

2007-07-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

Ohhh man this thing is sooo hard to figure out! I did what Donna advised me to do and I googled Psp Tutorials but I couldnt even understand what they were telling me to do. I tried for about 2 hrs. I almost had it figured out but then I got stuck... I am not going to give up just yet lol.... Can anyone give a step by step in the english language LOL and not in all those technical terms. I did come up with something but I did not like it ... It didnt look like proffesional like the ones you guys make LOL... What's a girl to do?????

Ok so how do I do this?.. I am lost! in the confusion of PSP...

2007-07-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

So I decided that before I go and buy this very expensive software that I would first see if I can play with it for a lil while. I went to Circuit City. com to see how much it cost and there I noticed that they give you an option to download a free trial. So thats what I did. NOW WHAT LOL.. I tried messing with it but I have no idea what I am doing. I need help! Like where do you guys get blank tubes and after that what do I do with it. So if there is anyone out there who has some easy tutorials that they can help me out with I would really appreciate it. I need a new hobby and after seeing you guy's beautiful work I decided that I would like to try this LOL... And before I make Ben spend money I want to see if it easy enough for me to figure out. PLEASEE HELP :)))))) THANK YOU!

BTW the above picture is the same one that I downloaded.

I FINALLY got APPROVED!!!!

2007-07-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends! I have been lazy. I admit it LOL. Hey I'm only human.

I went to the Dr yesterday. It was a VERRRRRRRRy long wait. It was Ben's day off yesterday so he was able to go with me. Good because otherwise I dont think I would have gone. The only thing with him going with me is that I get even more anxious because I know he hates to wait. He is very impatient when it comes to things like that. HE hates to shop which I LOVE to do. I dont even go shopping with him anymore because the whole time I am trying to keep him happy so he wont rush me. PSSHH MEN! You cant live with them but you cant live without them.

Anyways when I finally get to see the doctor he starts asking me questions about my health. Now mind you this is one of those City Drs. Every 6 mths or so I have to go to one of their Drs so that they can continue to give me the Foodstamps and Rent assistance. I already know this doctor does not give 2 shits about me. They want me to go back to work hence the reason that I am sitting there in front of him. So I start to tell him what is wrong and then I find myself actually breaking down in front of this idiot. I have always tried to compose myself at these visits. But it gets me so upset because I know that these people think that I am just trying to use the system. So I turn around and tell him "Listen I WANT to work! I HAVE worked before. I HAVE been to College. I HAVE goals. I AM NOT lazy. ALL I want is to feel normal again so that I can go on with my life and do the things that I so desperately want to do. I tell him that it tears me up inside that I can not even take my kids to the park or to the museums because I am not myself. Finally I see emotion on this mans face. He is all sympathetic now. He tells me I believe you. So he looks at my EKG and he says "Well it shows here that you have what is called Right Brundle Branch Block and he goes on and on trying to explain what this is. DUH! I know what this is. I have heard it all before. What I want to know is why all of a sudden I have this and why can't it be fixed. What I want to know is could this be the reason why I feel the way I do. NO one ever answers these questions. BUT finally there is light. HE saidthat this can be corrected with either a surgery or through laser . WOW this is the first time a DR has mentioned this. WHY have I never been told about this. SO you know I tell him that this is great maybe after it is corrected I will feel myself. He tells me that this IS not life threatining. OK I may not die tomorrow but that doesnt mean that I dont feel like I am going to die. BUT after all he is ONLY a city DR so of course he is not going to be the doctor to look into it for me. So now how do I go about it if my private DR never even mentioned this treatment before. So now he gave me another appt to see a city Cardiologist and a city Pysch. OHH great! Now lets see what they say. OHH one stupid question this Dr asked was "Is this affecting your life?" WTF do you think?? GEEEZZZZZZ.

I went to Staples yesterday with my mom and a friend of ours. They have folders, erasers, rulers, pencils for 0.05$ and 0.10$. Isnt that great! BUMMER was that there was a limit per customer. SO you know I will be back there before the sale ends. They also have black and white compostition notebooks 2 for 0.78$. Not bad at all.

I ended up getting into an argument with my mom yesterday, OUTSIDE of all places. I hate when I am discplining my kids and she has to contradict me in front of them. When she does this my kids figure "Well grandma is defending me so I dont have to listen to mommy". It started because my "Friends" son asked my oldest if he could borrow a playstation game. My son is just standing there ignoring him. SO after hearing M beg over and over again, I finally ask whats going on. Bottom line was my son didnt want to lend him the game. SO I tell him to lend it to him for an hr or 2 because my other son was down playing with M. My oldest son starts getting a tantrum about how he didnt want to lend it. SO I tell him its not what he says since I am the one who buys these things. You must know that I have been dealing for awhile with my son being very selfish. I am trying to get him out of this because I feel that he is too old for this kind of behavior not only that but being like this is not going to earn him many friends. He is the type of kid that it always has to be about him, everything for him. Its soo bad that earlier in the week he made a comment which was" I dont want Jonathan to come home because then I am going to have to share the playstaion with him". He was talking about my other son who had been at his fathers house for a week and half already. Now what kind of crap is that not wanting your own brother to come home!

Anyway so then my mother puts her 2 cents into saying Well if he doesnt want to lend it to him , why are you forcing him?? I bought him that game and you are forcing him to lend it out. Your friends dont do shit for you but then you want to be up their ass. She said more stupid crap but I dont want this story drag on. AND YES she said all this in front of my child in front of my house!

So I basically told her that "He is my son and whatever I say goes! I said I didnt care if she bought the damm game but it is my HOUSE! and If I wanted to I would break the dammm game and thats it. I told her that I am NOT going to allow my son to grow up selfish so that when he is 15, 16 yrs old he is going to be a spoiled brat that no one cant stand to be around. I told her that I am sick of her contradicting me in front of them because they take advantage of that and wont listen to me when I tell them somthing because then they say "Well Grandma said we dont have to".

We went back and forth for about 20 mins. I was not going to let her have the last word. I punished my son AND I lent the game to M. I told my son until he learned how to share and stop trying to make me look like a fool he would be grounded. My mother finally shut up because I let her know that I PAY me own rent and bills and I gave BIRTH to these kids! Eventually my son came and apologized to me. My mom sometimes gets me sooo frustrated! She thinks she can still run my life. For some reason she wants to make me look bad in front of my children. I dont care what she says or does but I am going to raise my kids the way that I want! Anyway thats all about this for today.

Guess what?! I applied for a Capital One credit and I............ GOT APPROVED!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!! I jumped up and down and screamed WOOO HOOO when I seen that they had approved me. I have been applying for credit cards for yrs now. ALL of them kept on denying me because of insufficient credit history. I would get soo pissed. How the hell was I supposed to estabish credit if no one wanted to give me credit! But yesterday I guess luck was on my side and they said YESS!! I can not wait. NOO I am not going to go crazy and get myself into debt but everyone needs at least one for emergency purposes.

Well I have rambled on and on and on ...... today LOL.. I will end this entry for now ;)... Hope you all had a great day. I am about to go start cooking. I am making breaded chicken breast with some rice and veggies. MMMMMMMMM

Take care until next time

Post cards from the edge, SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

2007-07-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

Postcards from the Edge : I got this idea from Becky. Mumma4evr'slifeorlackthereof

So lets get together and do the postcard thing again! Everyone who wants to participate, send me your snail mail and I will reciprocate with my own!

Repost this in your journals if you like! We surely dont all have the same readers...lol...Some of the new journals I read have come from reading comments in your own journals...If you click the name of the person who commented? It brings up a link to their journal if they have one.. :)

I seen this over at Becky's journal. It sounds like so much fun. I think it will be very interesting to see postcards from where we live. So if any of you are interested let me know... And go on over to Becky's journal too and let her know... I can't wait to start looking for postcards LOL... I'm like a lil girl with a pen pal all over again :P

Just another Sunday

2007-07-22T20:29:00.000-07:00

Before I start off my entry tonight I would like to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my pictures and my entry before that... I just want to say that I am not going to let anyone try to change me from the way that I am with my family.. Ohhh yea I got a comment saying that maybe should allow her to talk about herself, LOL thats all she does is talk and talk and talk. I am 90 percent of the time The lstener, but that is ok with me because I like to listen as opposed to talking anyway. I appreciate everyones comments!!! They all made me feel better.

Well today was a lazy Sunday for us.. I got up, came on the computer for a lil while and then I showered. I went outside to the porch. My FRIEND was outside. SO we sat and I listened while she talked about her night at the baby shower. Then I listened to her talking about how many times she and her SO 'Did it" .... a little too much information there.. I kept her son overnight yesterday so that she could go to the babyshower and then have privacy with her man. Her man has been staying over by her house since Thursday while his girlfriend is on vacation. The honeymoon will end tomorrow being that the girlfriend is coming home. I tend to not judge any one's situation but for the life of me I can not comprehend WHY a woman would want to be a man's "woman on the side". She tells me that he tells her he is going to leave his girlfriend soon.... Umm if you haven't left her yet then odds are you arent leaving anytime soon. I wish my friend would see that. She just says that they are soul mates and she is willing to wait for him. "SIGH"..OHH WELL...

Today I have feeling lightheaded which in turn makes me nervous. I took the kids to the park and I felt like I was going to catch a panic attack. Then I got frustrated because its a shame that I can not spend the day at the park without feeling like this. Then frustration leads to me panicking again because I soo want to feel normal. Eventually we came back home and I let them ride their scooters out in the front of the house. I WANT to do so many things with them and I CANT.. UGHHH I can NOT stand this!

I didnt feel like cookingso when Ben came home we took a walk to MCDonalds. Even on the walk there I felt like crap. I tried to just keep on talking like everything was normal. I dont want him to see me lose control. I feel he deserves someone who doesnt have this issue. I got me a crispy chicken caesers's salad. I have been dying for one of those. I also got me a fruit and walnut salad for dessert. They were both good. My doctor says I need to lose about 35 pds to be at the weight that is healthy for my height. Let's see if I can eat the right foods.

I was thinking today that if something should happen to me and I am no longer here, Would I want Ben to remarry or be with another woman. At first I thought of course not. Then I started to think that Yes I would want for him to find a woman who is good for him and who could help him raise our children. I just pray that he will be able to find a woman who would love him unconditionally and appreciate him the way he deserves, also a woman who would love our children unconditionally and who would have no problem loving and caring for them the way they need.

Well my sis in law still hasnt called me. For someone who said she wasnt upset with me. Ohh well I am not going to stress over it. Like I told her whenever she feels like talking to give me a call. I have not called her because I feel like everything was fine and dandy before I told her I couldnt babysit. We were calling each other like 2 or 3 times a day. SO obviously she has an issue that is bothering her and she should be honest about it. Why should I call her and try to force the way she feels out of her. I miss talking to her but oohh well .... There comes a day when you have to grow up and stop playing these middle school games.

I was reading one of the those celebrity gossip columns. They had a picture of Tom Cruise and Katie's daughter Suri and then they had a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina's daughter Shiloh.. They ask the question "Which baby is cuter? over and over again... I must say that I LOVVEEE Brad Pitt he is gorgeous BUT I think that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri is sooooo pretty. I think she is prettier than Lil Shiloh. What do you guys think????

OHH I was meaning to ask "How many of you have a myspace page??" If any of you do leave me your links. I will add my link to another entry tomorrow because I forgot it LOL..Or you can search for me thru this email Myoneandonly2626@aol.com.

Well I guess I am going to end this entry now..even though there is nothing else for me to do. Ben is asleep already and my kiddies are in bed watching television. But alas I have run out things to write about LOL... I guess I'll just search for new journals to read. My list is getting longer and longer lol.. I am just addicted. Ben looks at me reading sometimes and he says What do you get from reading about other people's lives? I dont have the answer to what I get out of it, all I know is that I enjoy it and it makes me less lonely to know that there are other people put there who can relate to me. I like to read about other peoples drama and joys of life. Thats just me LOL... So What do you guys get out of it??? Let me know :)

GOODNIGHT ALL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

Random pics of my family

2007-07-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

Kaitlyn posing for her 7th birthday

Kaitlyn 7th birthday

Jonathan and Kaitlyn 4 his 9th birthday

My sister and Kaitlyn on my son's 9th birthday

My sister and Jonathan on his 9th birthday

My handsome boy on his 9th birthday

Me with my new hair colored

Kaitlyn and I posing for the camera

My handsome son and my mom on his Graduation Day

Dylan in his Cap and Gown

Ben, Dylan and I on my son's special day

Look at my handsome son with his suit on Prom Day

WOW my son is sooo grown and CUTE!

My sis and Dylan on Prom day

My 3 babies

Who am I .... Do I not have an Identity??

2007-07-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, Hope everybody is enjoying their weekend so far.

As for me .... What can I say this weekend so far has been spent doing everyday, housewife work. I finally got my laundry done yesterday. UGHHH I had so much clothes to wash .. 2 and a half hrs later and 20 dollars spent , I was done. Now the part I hate is putting them away, Because of course you have to organize everyones drawers first. Today was another day to spend cleaning up. I finally mopped my floor!

I was invited to my Aunt's house because she was throwing a lil birthday party for my cousin who just turned 16, but I politely declined the invitation. Its not that I dont like to go over there, its just that they live about an hr away by car and I hate to depend on someone to bring me home. When I feel like leaving , I want to be able to just go without having to wait till someone feels like driving me home.

Anyway today a friend and I were conversating. She was telling me about how she was getting ready to go on vacation soon to Miami. She was also telling me how she was going to a party tonight..... THEN she starts to tell me that I DO NOT know who I am! That my life revolves around my kids and my husband. She says that apart from them I have no life... No Identity of my own. She says that I am miserable. That all I talk about is my kids or my husband. I am just standing there looking at her and listening to what she has to say. She says that by the time my kids are grown that I am not going to know what to do with myself and that I am going to go crazy. She proceeds to tell me that I don't know who I am or what I want or like.

Ok by this time I have had enough. So I look her in the eye and I tell her " I am not miserable... This is who I am... Without them I would not be happy. What else is there to do ? I asked her. I said What should I be doing ?? Hanging out and getting high or drunk?? Or act like a fool with a bunch of stupid immature females at a club.

She says NO I dont mean that... I mean" You should do things away from your family. You should go away for a weekend all alone.. You should make more friends and meet them for lunch.. I tell her "Well you know I am 29 yrs old already.... I am to the point where I am not and do not want to have to go looking for friends. If by chance I meet someone and we get along then thats fine and dandy. I do not have much luck with friends because most of the time they want something from me or want to use me as a babysitter. Secondly its not like I am not allowed to do things away from my family, I CHOOSE to do things WITH my family, and as for me going away for a weekend Well where the helll am I going to go?? Its not like I am rich and have the money to wake up and say "Well you know what, Today I think I'll make a trip to Paris to shop.

Listen I KNOW I had my children young.... I KNOW that I am still young.... I KNOW that sometimes my children and my husband at times get on my nerves and I wish at that moment I could run away, BUT apart from when they get on my nerves I am happy being around them. There is no greatest thing in the world when my hubby and I have taken the kids out and spent the whole day together just us 5.

So NOW I am thinking IS this how people view me and my life?? Do people think that I have NO LIFE?? AM I portraying to the world that I am miserable??

Could it possibly be true what she is saying??? It makes me start to wonder WHO AM I REALLY apart from being a MOM and a WIFE? WHO is Stephanie?? What kind of personality would I have if I werent a mom?? What kind of lifestyle would I be living right now if I didnt have children so young? WOULD I still be so boring and shy or WOULD I have been outspoken and a party girl. I can NOT imagine myself in the party scene. I can not imagine myself drinking or smoking... Yea I like to go out but it doesnt have to be going to a freaking party or club.. I like to go to the library or the museum. I think even if I didnt have kids or a husband I still wouldnt be that type of person.

Is it true what she said about, When my kids grow up and make lives of their own that I am going to go crazy and start doing things that I think they prevented from doing??

Why do other people think just because I stay at home and I am not always cracking jokes that I am miserable... Let me tell you I am NOT miserable because I HAVE kids.. I am NOT miserable because I am in a commited relationship. The only thing that I am miserable about is the fact that I have this dammmm anxiety disorder that DOES prevent ME from doing many things. Another thing that makes me miserable is when people judge me and look at me like I am wasting my life. I have BEEN to College. I HAVE worked! I have HAD friends....... BUT none of that is as important to me as are my children... I CAN go back to College.. BUT I WANT to stay home and make sure that MY children get the best education possible. I CAN go back to work but I WANT to be home when my children get out of school and help them with their homework . I CAN make new friends BUT on my time and only when I think that person will make a good friend.

AND when my children are all grown up and done with College and have great jobs and are productive adults THEN I will enjoy my life and go to a club and get drunk out of my ass if thats what I want to do... THEN I can go on vacations for a weekend and make friends without caring about the influences they will have on my children. Until then this is WHO I AM and I am not changing it.

I guess she doesnt have problems going out there and partying because her son lives with his father. She told me this is the whole reason she leaves her child with his dad. She said because she wasnt going to give up her identity and her life for a man and a child.. She said she is too young(30 yrs old)... I guess she doesnt have to worry about meeting all these different men and inviting them over that night or the next day. IS that the life I want?? Should I be envious of her.... IN my opinion HELL NO... Should she judge me or my Life.?? HELL NO

DOES IT BOTHER ME that she thinks this way about me... My answer should be HELL NOOO but honestly I can not say that... Did she make me second guess myself and my life? Honestly YES.. WILL I trade my life for hers?? Honestly NO.... I am good with what God has chosen for me... Like I said in a past entry... My life would be perfect right now had it not been for this anxiety crap which is depressing the hell out of me!! LOL..

So how is your lives???? LOL

This is my entry(rant) for today....

GOODNIGHT AND TAKE CARE YOURSELVES!

Why do we seem to care about what others think about us?

2007-07-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is a first .... I am finally writing an entry before 12:00 am LOL... Well it's because I have nothing to do at the moment. Wait! Let me correct that I do have stuff to do like LAUNDRY but I do not FEEL like going to the LaundryMat right now. I sooo miss my washing machine... I did not fall asleep until 4:00am. I was online reading journals. I have found some new and interesting journals to read. I wake up this afternoon , (Yea I slept until about 12pm) to a phone call from my landlady letting me know that instead of coming out here today she has decided to come on Saturday. WHOOPIE DOO. Let me tell you. My landlady has found a new pet to harass. I am no longer the one she calls 4 or 5 times a day. My new neighbor whom I mentioned in a previous entry has been bestowed the honor of filling the position. I swear some people are downright grimy! I found out through the grapevine that my dear old landlady is paying this person 10 times more than what she payed me to rent out her apts. WHY?? BEcause this person would not settle for anything less. Meanwhile when I asked for a lil extra money she bitched and whined about how I was wrong for asking after everything she has done for us... Yea ok... My landlady has the nerve to tell me "So and SO is a go getter ..with a mind on her shoulders... You should want to be her friend. WTF! What is she implying with that , that I am a lazy stupid person with no goals in sight? Well let me say this... I am blessed with the fact that I have a man who is willing to bust his ass working SO that I can stay home and raise my children. I have been to College! I have worked before.. BUT I choose now to stay at home and make sure that my children have somebody to help them with their homework and see to it that they are raised the right way. My neighbor on the other hand does not even have her son all yr besides the summer. The child lives with his dad all the way in Michigan. SO she has time to cater to the landlays every beck and call.

Anyways... LOL can you tell that this topic annoys the hell out of me??

You know what else annoys the hell out of me ??? When people get upset at you and dont have the nerve to be upfront and let you know how they feel.

Let me start from the beginning. I don't know if you guys remember my sis in law who at one time had started a journal too. Well eventually she had to stop because her husband got into and read everything and flipped out on her for spreading his business around.... ANYWAYS... He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Well the daughter is 8 yrs old now and her mother decided to send her to their house for summer vacation.(they live in Florida) BTW this lil girl is also Ben's and I goddaughter. Now mind you, before the lil girl came my sis in law was all excited, talking about how she couldnt wait till she got here. I warned her that the lil girl could be a handful a times. I know from experience. Ok So the child is out here..... Not 2 weeks after the child is here, did shit start to hit the fan. I received many phone calls about how the child is very disrespectful and blah blah blah. I hate to say I told you so. Now the only time everything was all good was when the child made it easier for my sis in law to go out. Being that she has to very small children who are exactly 1 yr apart makes it very difficult for her to go out anywhere without her husband. That changed when the lil girl got here. Now the part where I come in, is when one day the lil girl really wanted to spend some time at my house. Well my sis in law comes out and say "Well you know she cant stay because she has to help me get home, and besides she cant stay anywhere without asking he father permission. Now first of all I was telling the lil girl all along that she couldnt stay because she needed to help with the babies on the way back home BUT since when do I need to call the father for permission? He does not mind at all that I stay with her in fact it would make he even happier if she were with me. After all I am her Godmother.. Anyway that pissed me off because I knew it had nothing to do with the father it was just that she knew without her she would be stuck at home again. Fast foward to a couple of weeks later... I get a phone call from him asking if I could stay with the lil girl so that my sis in law could get a break..... At first I didnt want to do it but I said what the hell. SO I stood with her... I guess he didnt tell my sis in law that she was going to stay because all I know is that she was upset and she didnt pack any clothes for her or anything.. The entire time she was with me (I think 4 days ) she wanted toknow when she was going back home. Finally I sent the lil girl back home and I said that from now on let them deal with her..... What gets me mad is that a couple of times after this happened my sis in law would call me to ask me if I could stay with her because she was being really bad and disrespectful and she couldnt take it anymore. How come when I wanted to stay with her it was a problem but when she is driving you crazy then you want to call me. So I would say no.... Of course to them I was messed up for saying no....

Now it's nothing but complaints about the lil girl and my sis in law is dying for her to go home. It even got so bad between them that the lil girl actually hit my sis in law and they got into a lil fight. I told my sis in law that it was time for them to send her home. Because supposedly her husband did not do anything about the situation but fight with her. All she kept on saying was that We cant afford the ticket for her to go back. UMMM they do have a bunch of credit cards and if you can go out and spend money on other stuff then you can make a sacrifice and pay this ticket and send this lil girl home, since all she is doing is making you miserable.. If it were me I would have been did it the very first time this lil girl disrespected me and my husband didnt put her in her place...BUT NO she would rather spend it on something else....So now she is stuck with the little girl until the ending of July....

Last week I get a phone call from her early in the morning asking me if I could take the lil girl for a couple of hr. She said it was because it was her 2 yr anniversary and her husband was going to take her to the Olive Garden. She said that her mom was willing to stay with the 7 mth old and she was going to take her 1 yr old with them but she didnt want to take the 8 yr old because she didnt want the 8 yr old to ruin her day. Well a part of me wanted to do it because it was after all their anniversary, but then another part of me did not want to do it because why do I always have to get stuck with her when its for thier convenience. I have 3 kids and when Ben and I go out we take ALL 3 of them even if its to the Olive Garden or whereever. NO ONE ever offers to babysit for us and WE NEVER ask anyone ..WE just take our children because they are our repaonsibility. Not only that I had already made plans withmy mom and its bad enough she at times doesnt want to go out with my kids , imagine this lil girl... SO I told her that I was sorry that I couldnt do it. I told her that she should still go and take the lil girl and that maybe with her father there she wouldnt act up as much.... Well .... ever since that day she has not called me anything. I have written her messages asking her if she was upset and she says no. Well if you arent upset then why havent I heard from you in going on 2 weeks? So now I am at the point where you know what I dont care anymore. If she wants to be upset then let her.... I didnt do anything wrong in my eyes.. DID I??

Just yesterday my husband texts me(this is his bio niece we are talking about) and he wants to know if the lil girl can stay with us Thurs and Friday. His brother called and asked him. I was pissed... Why cant they call me and ask me.... I am the one who is going to be taking care of her.. I know its because the lil girl must be driving my sis in law crazy and she needs a break. Well I need a break too and no on cares about that. So once again I said No... Yea I must be a big B&^%# now.. Ohh well I dont care what people think about me anymore....Wait thats a lie I do care but I am not going to be taken advantage of just because I want you to like me....I am so done with it all...

There is way more to this story but because I dont want to go on and on in one entry I have left out many things...

I just get upset because why is it that I can watch everyone elses kids but no one offers to watch mine?? So there you have it.. Someone else on the list of people who dont like me right now..OHH WELL what are you gonna do right??

Well this is it for now .. I am most likely going to do 2 entries today since this story took up way too much time.

Take care all and enjoy the rest of your day! :)

Thank you , ALL OF YOU!:)

2007-07-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say Thank you too alll you who welcomed me back with love and well wishes. I can't tell you all how much I really appreciate it. I look forward to seeing new comments and welcome any kind of feedback. I am thankful that I have made friends who understand me and without even having ever met are willing to welcome me into their circle. Sorry for not commenting on some of you guy's journals but rest assured that I will get to it. Once again Thank you ALL!! I have missed all of you guys as well..... It is you guy's kindness and understanding that has brought me back to J-land. God Bless and stay strong!

Love Ya'll! :)

Life would be perfect if only........

2007-07-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

See, I told you all that I am back! I was meaning to write an entry yesterday but I was soooo restless I couldnt seem to sit still for longer than 10 mins. I had to be up doing something or else my mind would start to mess with me.

So here I am today... I was reading some of ya'll journals, those of you who have tag journals and I realized that AOL didnt make it easier for us to add images after all. SOO what I did was go into D's journal and went over the entry that she made to help us add images. So now I am back to going thru photobucket. I apologize if I used anyones tags the wrong way. Thank you D for the walk thru! :)

Well today was a typical day.... I have been praying that I wake up feeling myself but once again dissapointment(SP). I have not felt myself for the past 7 yrs , what makes me think today would be any different. I realized yesterday that my life would be perfect if I didnt wake up with this feeling of doom and misery on top of me. I have 3 beautiful children, I have an way expensive but nice apartment, My hubby has finally got the promotion he has always wanted and with that our finance are improving, I have everything that I always wanted and yet I can not enjoy it. Do you guys know how badly I want to be able to feel normal and do normal things without thinking that there is something wrong with me. I want to be able to pick up and go anywhere with my kids but what stops me is that I am sooo scared that something will happen to me while I am out with the kids. I feel dizzy(lightheaded ) all day at times. I feel like I can not breathe the correct way.. Like I feel something in my lower chest (stomach area) that is making me feel like I can not breathe. HELLOOO I know I AM breathing because I am still alive but it feels like I have to FORCE myself to breathe. I can not explain it. Thats why I dont even go to the Drs, anymore because when they ask me what's wrong .. I wouldnt even know how to describe it. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I look at other people go about their daily lives... walking around like nothing is wrong, talking and laughing like nothing is wrong.. Enjoying life like nothing is wrong... I say WHY cant that be me?.... OHH of coursewhen I am talking to people I have my mask on and I seem like I am ok, but even as I am conversating with you I am thinking to myself Wow I can not breathe I am about to pass out here.... No I never have passed out but imagine trying to listen and conversate with someone when all you are thinking about is something is wrong with you. Noone can tell that there is anything wrong with me... I just dont know what to do anymore... There are times that I feel like I am literally going crazy, like I am losing my mind. I picture myself having to be in a pychiatric ward... All I can think about is my children and hubby thinking WOW this is my mom , or this is my wife. I dont know how I do it day in and day out... I guess that is thru the power of love for my family and the power of believeing that the Lord is with me and will help me get thru this....

Enough of that for the moment.... My mother called me today with some upsetting news.... Now those of you who have went back and read from the beginning know that I have a 16 yr old sister... She is doing very well in school as a matter of fact she will be graduating next yr from H.S. Now this is a great accmoplishment and we are are so looking forward to this day... None of us starting with my mom has actually graduated, I have me GED but a H.S. Diploma is way better. Anyway 3 mths ago thru a friend she met this boy. Ok I must say first that this boy is a good boy who just graduated from H.S. himself and in Sept is going away to College. We liked him from the start. Only problem we had was that they were seeing each other too too much, I mean literally every day for the last 3 mths. She would go over to his house, I would warn my mom that she had to be careful. My mom would say OHH please she is fine.... I know how young girls are because I was one of them .... Well about 2 weeks ago we noticed that my sis was acting nervous and kept on perstering my mom to take her to the GYN .. She said that she was having more than usual discharge... She didnt want to talk to her boyfriend and she was soo nervous... OK I knew something was up.. We told her that it had to be a Yeast infection since she is into wearing tight pants, We even bought her the monistat 3 day treatment.. This didnt appease her at all... SHE wanted to SEE a Dr... Finally my mom convinced her to do the treatment. Both my mom and I told her if she needed to talk about something we are always there. She was adamant that there was nothing wrong...... Fast Forward to yesterday. I was talking to her on the phone and she tells me that she once again wants to go to the DR because now when she pees it burns... So I told her that it must be A UTI.. I told my mom just take her to the damm DR.. Ok She finally took her..... What did my mom find out..WELL she did have a UTI And a Yeast Infection..Not only that but my mother finds out that my lil 16 yr old sister is now sexually active! She finds out because the DR asks my sis "Are you sexually active??.. My sis looks at my mom then she looks at the DR and say Yes I am.... My mom said her heart broke into a million lil pieces... She said that she didnt know what to do or what to say.. ALL she could get out was OH Really.... So now my mom does not want to talk to her or the boyfriend. SHe called me up and told me about it . I could hear her voice cracking trying to hold herself from crying. She says that my sis is not her lil girl anymore. She chose to do something that my mother has warned her about. My mom is disapointed and hurt beyond measures that my sis would do something like this. Also to have to find out like that made it even worse. I too am upset... but I knew that this was coming. I knew that my mom was giving my sister too much freedom. She says she did it because she wanted to give my sister the benefit of the doubt and trust her. She says all she did was talk to my sister about the conssequences of having sex too soon. My mom is taking it to heart and she has done nothing but cry all day. I told her that it is not something that my sister did to spitefully hurt her. I know that what she did was not right.... I know that what she did was stupid.... But knowing my sister I know that she now regrets it with all her heart but it is not something that can be taken back. At the moment when they are kissing and doing whatever, yea you dont think about what you are doing but after the fact that is when you realize OMG what have I done? I think that my sister did it one time and now it wasnt what she expected and now she wishes she can take it back. I love my sister with all my heart and why I am not happy that she did this I will support her and not turn my back on her. I just want to talk to her and let her know Ok you did it one time but now it is time for you to see that this isnt a game... There are consquenses to all this.. and hopefully she wont do it again. My mother isscared that now the guy will leave her and start talking about her. To me he doesnt seem like the type, he seems to really care about my sister...I pray that I am right because I do not want my sister to have to go thru all that heart ache.

I sooo do not want my daughter to grow up... I look at how big my children are getting and I think to myself "What will I do with myself when they are grown up and gone?" I do not want to even think about that because it just scares and depresses me. I can not imagine them not being around me. My whole life revolves around these kids . Without them here what will I do.?. How will I have to fill these empty days?? Goodness I wish they were babies again...

Somebody is upset at me... Who is it? You're wondering... Well my sister in law is... That is another long story to tell that I will leave for tomorrow.... And you know what I have decided that I will not go private. I dont care who reads this! If you read this and you read something that you think might offend you then by all means do not read my journal. This is where I am going to let go and be honest. I will not hide behind fake words in fear that a family member might read...Its up to them to read... there might not always be nice things in here to read about certain people but Ohh well dont do stupid shit and you wont have to read about yourself in my journal.... With that said I am going to end this entry not because I want to but because I am sure this is wayyy to long... LOL...Stay tuned for more juicy Drama... :))

GOODNIGHT AND TAKE CARE ALL MY FRIENDS !!

If only I can be granted one wish!

2007-07-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hello to all who might still have me on their alerts.... I know I promised an entry about 3 weeks ago, But like always something (I don't know what it is) prevents me from sitting my behind on this chair long enough to put all my thoughts together.

Last time I was in here I was complaining about certain things and certain people, let me tell you none of it has changed! I still find myself getting right into the middle of all the bullshit.

First off let me say, Thank God, all 3 of my children are healthy and doing great. My oldest son graduated from Elementary school.... My baby is halfway to being an adult!! LOL he is only 11 yrs old but it seems that time is going so fast. I was sooooo extremely proud of my son... Through all the issues we've been having with him at home with his anger and breakdowns he did wonderful in school. He received over 6 awards even one from the New York City Chancellor. This was for him scoring Level 4's on all State exams since 3rd grade! Way above average! He has been accepted into a gifted and talented middle school. Though I am very apprenhensive about him going into middle school I am sure he will do will. I am just nervous because it is at this stage in a child's life where they are introduced into peer pressures and bad influences. I pray that with my guidance my child will stay away from all of that.

On to my other 2 children they are both excelling in school as well, my middle son needs a little extra help with his school work but I know if he puts more of his mind and energy into it he will do just fine. My daughter is all of a little lady. I have gotten so many compliments at school about how smart she is. she is known as the "little lady" by all at her school. I couldn't be more proud of her. Right now they are at home for the entire summer, No camp for them.. They need a break LOL..

As for me on a personal basis, I am not doing all that good with this anxiety disorder. It seems like just when I think that I am doing great this shit just kicks me in the ass all over again. I guess to remind that my life can not be too perfect. I am so sick of living with this crap. I am obssessed with the fact that i am not breathing correctly. and NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I AM TOLD THAT I AM FINE I STILL CAN NOT BELIEVE IT. I go to bed worrying and I wake up worrying....I told my mom the other day that if it wasnt for the fact that I had children I dont know where I would be right now. She responded with "What are you trying to say,? You would have commited suicide ? and my response was "You know what I just don't know anymore. All I know its that its been 7 yrs of living with this and I am at my wits end, Something has got to give because I can not do it anymore.

Of course my life wouldnt be mine if it werent drama filled. Recently we got a new neighbor. Well I was excited because she is my age, she has a 9 yr old son and she seemed really down to earth. I thought "Great I will finally have someone to hang out with .. Someone who can relate to me... Why is it that I want to turn someone into a best friend soo quickly?!! Long story short I was once again disapointed with this friendship. It always seems that someone wants something from me. The same day I met her, she realized that I babysit for people. SOOO she automatically v olunteered me to babysit her son. Now mind you her son does NOT live with her all yr round. He was just coming out here for the summer... Me being an ass I didnt open up my mouth and tell her "Ummm I'm sorry I wont be able to to do that because once summer comes I wont be babysitting anymore. So fast forward to the beginning of June. I know I have to let her know ASAP because she is already starting to make plans. For someone whose child is only going to be here for 2 mths all of a sudden wants to go back to school. Why didnt you go to school BEFORE your son came or AFTER your son came. After all he is coming to spend time with you not a babysitter. Mind you she works from about 9 to 6 and then she wanted to go to school from 6:30 till about 10 or 11 oclock. Then what time is she going to spend with her son. Anyway this wasnt really any of my concern, my concern was that I would have to be stuck with another child along with my 3 , not only that when I wanted to take my kids out I would have to drag with 4. This wasnt especially appealing to me. SOOO I got up enough courage tolet her know that I was sorry but I wasnt able to do it. I explained to her my reason, Instead of her being umderstanding of course she got upset... Upset to the point where she went complaining to the landlady(Now you all remember my landlady and what a pain she is ) So I was told that basically I am a bad person for not wanting to help her out... All sympathy going out to a female who isnt with her child full time but none for me when I am the FULL TIME PARENT! So that of course changed my view on the friendship and now I am back to square one without a friend that I can completley trust and feel comfortable with.

Man there is soo much more drama to talk about but if I were to write about it all today this entry would take forever to read. So I will be nice and tell you guys about my life day by day.

I am coming back to J-land .... I need this outlet to pour everything out. It seems like only over here I can be honest and not have everyone looking at me like I am the bad one. Yea I am going to admit I have gotten tougher but thats only because I have been taken advantage of time and time again. I am only liked when I am saying yes to anything and everyone! I am so sick of it,,, I dont even know why I care so much what people think of me. Its not like they give me anything or do anything for me. I'm soo stupid because I let people get to me.

As for the title of this entry , Let me tell you if I was just granted one wish ..it wouldnt be for money or for anything materialistic... I would wish with everything that I have that I can be rid of this anxiety and I can once again look at life not as a burden but enjoyable. I want to be able to wake up and not worry that there is something wrong with me, Instead look excitely towards tomorrow knowing that its another day to spend with my children.

That's all for today.... But I AM BACK TO STAY SO>>> Look out for further entries and please be patient LOL because there is sure to be alot of drama and venting in here... hey but isnt that what keeps ya'll coming back ;)))

Be safe and see ya'll later..

StephanieBy the way I am loving how easy it is to add images!!!! This is great and less time consuming..YAYYYY!!

Times goes so fast when your life is full of B.S.!

2007-06-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Ohhh my it has been over a month and a half that I made my last entry. I know it seems like I disappeared off the face of the earth, but actually I am still here alive and well..(for lack of a better word). I want to apologize to all my readers and friends for taking an extended vacation from J-land without so much as a "I will be back".

Things have been up and down for me over here..... So many things have been going on that I dont even know where to start! Many times I have sat in front of my computer willing myself to make an entry but at the end I had not the energy nor the want to sit here and organize my thoughts and feelings to where I could even make sense.

Even though I have been neglecting my own journal, I have a couple of times read you guy's entries... I am sorry for not commenting.... I know that a lot of you have also been going thru some ups and downs...

Well to start off I have to say that Thank God all 3 of my children are healthy and well. Still driving me nuts to the point where I want to run away but hey kids are kids right?? I am proud to say that they are all doing fantastic in school which to me is the most important thing. I can handle their little behinds at home but while they are in school I can't...BUT they give me no reason to be stressed about their behavior in school as they are all angels there.."SIGH" Can't they be the same way at home???

Ben finally got the promotion he has been longing for forever!!! I am proud of my man and happy to announce the he is now Store Manager.... After only being with the company for about 6 mths ...He has proven to them that he is capable of handling anything they put before him. He has gotten a substancial pay raise ... I thank God for finally seeing that my hubby deserved this chance..He is a hard worker and he knows what he is doing, Life financially should be easier now for us... I am now looking for a new apartment (with 3 or 4 bedrooms).

I am now babysitting full time ..As I never went back to work at Babies R Us.. I figured that if I could find work to do from home. ... that it would be better not only forme with my anxiety but also for the kids... At least they will have 1 parent at home... Babysitting has proven to be a difficult task, not because of the children, but because of their parents. Problem is that they seem to comprehend that they need to be here on time to pick up their children, (not a hf hr or hr later) also they can not seem to understand that if you tell me that the child will be at 10am ..then bring the child at that time and not at 8:30am!! I have tried to be patient but it is now taking its toll on me and I am about to let them know either they start paying me more or they bring and pick up their children at the right time!.. I am babysitting 3 children.. a 1 yr old boy Mon-Fri anywhere from 7am till on average 4pm and then 2 twin boys ages 10 Mon and Fri from 4pm to 9pm. For all 3 160 a week, I know I know cheap rates!!!

I am no longer letting people take advantage and talk to me the way they feel like....I have now turnedinto in other people's words a b&%$@.. In others people's minds I am no longer making them feel welcome in my home...Well you know what frankly I dont mind being called a b@#$*& , just because I have now learned how to open my mouth and do to others what has only been done to me numerous times!! I have not been respected and you know what now I can care less if I hurt your feelings because I have only told you the truth... I no longer beat around the bush..If I have something to say I will say it ..if you dont like it too bad get over it or stop talking to me.... I never wanted to become like this but you know what people have pushed me to the limit..... Family and friends who at this moments shall remain nameless.

I have now been off my meds for about a month... WHY?? Because I am all out of refills. I have tried to go see my Dr. but she is another one who is on my last nerve... SHE doesn't come into the office until 1pm, and then decides to take at least hf hr with each patient over the age of 60 ..which means that by the time she says us "young folks" she only has time to see us for 10 mins!! Not only that but she is closed on Fridays.... which sucks...Ok so I go on a Monday and the freaking shit is closed too!!! WTH!! I made an 1 and a hf trip over there only to be told she's closed! SO now I have no meds... Of course this has taken an effect on me.. I am now suffering from withdrawls! Plus I thinkthat by not being on meds I am getting depression.. I am not sleeping at all at night! I am scared that I may have Sleep Apnea ..for the simple fact that even if I sleep 6 hrs I still wake up feeling like I have not slept at all... YES I snore... SOO I dont know what to do about that... I am cranky as cranky can be.... BUT THANK GOD the anxiety and panic attacks haven't kicked in yet... I neeed to find another DR. close to where I a live.

My landlady is still driving me insane..BUT she has found someone else to handle all her bullshit for her.... I got fired from her without even knowing it..My new neighbor came to me and told me that she is now responsible for renting out all the lady's apts and crap..WELLL MORE POWER to you...they can both enjoy each other but I deserved at least to be TOLD she was getting someone else.... AS IF I wasn't doing the shit the right way..I guess the landlady from hell couldn't handle the fact that I now have a mind of my own and I can not speak up for myself! OOOO WELL thats life. My mother in law is still not paying rent!!!! Been almost 2 yrs now.... Of course there is alot of drama surrounding this but I am not going to get into that now...Let's just say that I am not even bothered with my mother in law and her low life boyfriend!! I CAN NOT wait till I am FAR FAR AWAY.

I will get into more detail about whats going on and who is getting on my last nerve BUT I think first that I will go private.. There is a lot that I need to get off my chest and there are family members who have one way or another found my journal(which is another reason for my lack of interest in writing). When I created this journal it was for me to be able to vent out what it was that I couldnt actually say but right now I am not able to do that completely. I have learned my lessson, on how important it is that family members should not know everything about you because they can in one way or another use it against you.. SOOOOO before I start getting open in here again I need to go private,,,,, If there are still any readers or old friends who would like to still read please let me know.. I am doing this NOT because I want to but because I HAVE TO...

Once again I am sorry to all my J-land friends for not explaining my leave of absense. I hope all of you are doing well... I am coming back to J-land and I hope that I still have my friends here...

Take Care alll!!!!!

Steph

There are days when family is just a burden....

2007-04-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

Well today I had to write because I need to vent. Now I know why I just stay away from my family. I let my guard down once again and they got me once again.

Lately things have been quiet between my family and I , But only because I have not really dealt with them. I mean I have seen my mom every once and a while. Mostly though its been her who has come over to my house. A long time ago when my kids were still babies I swore to myself that I would stop going to my mother's house. Why did I do this?? Well because she would always find a way to make me feel like shit. From telling me that I needed to stop coming to her house so often to always yelling at my kids because they were acting like kids! and not sitting on the couch the whole time. Sometimes she would actually throw me out, Like there were times that Ben would work late and I would get so tired of being at home. Around this time I had the anxiety really bad so I didnt want to stay home alone. SO I would just go over there because I felt safe. Well anyway arounfd 7:00pm she would tell me that I needed to leave because it was late and she and my sisters had to wake up early the next morning. I guess my children and I were a nuisance to her.

So eventually my pride finally kicked and anxiety or not I was not going to have my children or myself subjected to insults. Thats when I made up my mind that even if she begged me I would not being going on over there unless it was a holiday. Well I have somewhat kept up my promise to myself. I have gone over there about 10 times since I made this promise and that was about 4 yrs ago. Of course she has complained about the fact that she always has to visit us. She is playing the memory loss game, she says she does not remember treating me or my kids like this. Well I do and I will never forget.

Anyway on to my brother. Ever since he has gotten married he thinks his shit doesnt stink and that he is better than everyone else. He feels that just because he has a house and 2 cars that he is by far better than me. He doesnt even visit because according to him I live in a "black"neighborhood and he doesnt feel safe. He says that he lives in a"white neighborhood and it way better than mine. He acts like that doesnt hurt me . Excuse me for not being able to afford to get a house right now. Yes I do live in predominantly Hatian/Jamicain/Trinidadian neighborhood but by all means to me it is not that bad. The people around here are all very friendly and respectful. I am Hispanic and before I moved here I lived in a predominantly hispanic neighborhood and let me tell you it was worse than here. ( To my family it was better) There was always a fight between stupid females fighting over a man or disrespectful kids whose parents were too busy in the clubs to raise them right. I feel way more comfortable here. I live in a 4 family house.. I have a back and front yard. I am ok here beside the fact that is a small apt. Anyway so he doesnt want to visit so you know what screw him.

I get so tired of people telling us that they dont like the neigborhood because only black people live here. Even my sister in law(Steph) says the same thing. She says that I should move to Bensonhurst because there is less blacks over there.It is like they are scared of black people or something. I told her that just because she lives where there are alot of white and Chinese people does not mean that there is no crime there.In fact I betcha there is more crime there than here because everyone thinks that they are so safe. Its a damm shame the way some people are ignorant even my family. Every race has bead people who do bad things. I will not lie ... I am not going to sit here and say that I am perfect. I think that a lot of African American teenagers nowadays do give their race a bad name. I too think that if I could afford something better I would move there. BUT I do not judge anyone before I know them. When I moved here Ben and I both realized that we would be the minority here and you know what we didnt care and like I said this neighborhood is way better than my old. So forget all of you who have something negative to say about where I live and keep your dumb comments to yourselves because I do not want to hear it anymore. If you think I shouldnt live here then give me the money that I need to move!

Which brings me to the current issue. As you guys may all know my kids are off from school this week.For a very long time my oldest has been begging my mother to go stay at her house. Every weekend she turns him down for some reason or another. I told him to stop asking because I felt bad for him every time she told him no. Who likes getting rejected all the dam time. Everything now is about my brothers baby. I love my niece to pieces, dont get me wrong. But my brother has always been my moms favorite and it is now the same with the grandkids. She is always babysitting for them but meanwhile when I ask her to babysit which is rare she has some shit to talk about and says no..... Welll let me stop rambling and get to the point.

So on Tuesday she calls me up. She says for me to get my son ready that she wants to take him with her to my brother's house.(Yes she was babysitting again)So at first I was hesitant but knowing how much my son has been wanting to go I said Ok... Big mistake! Since the first day she has done nothing but complain about my child. First day the problem was that he was following her every where. I said "well you should be happy he is doing that because he loves you. She was like "Well I dont need him up my ass all the time...Next day was that he was making too much noise and that he was waking up the baby. UMMM all he was doing was playing the video game with another little boy and they were just laughing and having fun. Next day which is today I called to find out how my child was doing. My brother picks up the phone with an attitude. He says "What do yyoou want?" I said I am calling for my son. He replies"Why?? You acting like you care about him. I am like what the hell are you talking about of course I care about my son. I told him look who is talking ...He wont even let my niece stay over here with us and while my mother has been watching her he and his wife have called each over 5 times!! to find out how their child was. He starts talking shit.. most of it I just ignored because it was exactly that SHIT! Finally I say Listen just put my son on the phone. Now I am upset because I have no idea why he is acting this way with me . I have done nothing to these people. He must be in a bad mood and taking it out on me. So instead of giving the phone to my son he gives it to my mother who also must be in a bad mood because first thing she does is start talking shit. She tells me that they are coming home today but that my brother can not bring my son home to me because he has things he has to do. She is like that I am going to have to pick him up at her house tomorrow. I told her how does she know I have nothing to do tomorrow,. I told her I wasnt the one who sent him over there but now I have to go and get him. I said all I live is 5 mins from you. you mean to tell me that he cant drop my son off ... She was like NO YOU HAVE TO COME GET HIM HE IS YOUR SON.YOU JUST WANT EVERYTHING YOUR WAY! I was like what the hell is your problem ?? I said Look whatever just put my son on the phone. I spoke to my son for a few mins and then I hanged up. Now I am sitting here pissed off because of my idiotic family. I should have just stayed away. I am way better off. I always let them get to me , no matter how many times I say I wont. Tomorrow I will just go and get my child and once again distance myself from them. I dont have the time nor the energy for drama.

My landlady is another one. She has been in Israel the last 3 weeks. She got home yesterday and the first thing she freaking does is call me and leave me srupid messages about how I need to call her back because its important. What the hell can possibly be so important to her that involves me. Its not like I am her family or something like that. She acts like I am the owner of the building or something. Or maybe she just wants to harrass me for the rent. Meanwhile I have busting my ass cleaning her buildings and not only that posting and anwering calls for her empty apts which I also have to show for her! My phone has been ringing nonstop for the past week. Do you know how annoying that is??? I have been having to try and persuade a lady with 5 kids that the apt is waaaaaaaaay too small for them. SHe refused to believe me . Finally I told her LOOK lady I have 3 kids and we can barely fit here , so I know for a fact that you can not fit in there. So finally she said OK. Geezzz how can you possibly fit 5 children and 2 adults in a 2 bedroom?????

My babysitting job has not gotten any easier. It has been 3 weeks now and the baby still cries every time they drop him off!! Not only that but the other day the grandmother comes to my house insisting tthat she wants to take the baby out. But I am not going to get into all that right now because this entry is long already. Let me just say that I was in the middle of a huge family drama. Not a very good place to be in! I will elaborate on that tomorrow. Sure is an interesting story though!:)

Right now I am not ina very good mood. I am so aggravated that Ben's money is still not here and our bills are just piling up! I am aggravated that once again Ben fails to let me know before he went to work that his brother was supposed to come over and get the money for the credit card bill that we owe(for the xmas gifts) His brother would just show up and say "give me my money and I Have no idea what in the hell he is talking about! This happened before and I specifically told Ben that I didnt appreciate that! I found out today that he was coming because my sis in law(Steph) called looking for her hubby. I was like I havent seen him. Well apparently he was supposed to come and get the money. "SIGH" If only Life was easy huh??

I have no idea what I will be doing for Easter. I have heard many times that people have forgotten what Easter is all about. Nowadays its about everyone buying new clothes and going out. It is about the Easter bunny and Easter eggs, But really is this what Easter really is or is it about the day Jesus was resurrected. I think most of us have forgotten about this. Same way we have all forgotten that Christmas is not about giving gifts and Santa Claus ..it is about celebrating the birth of Christ. So I dont think I will do anything this Easter. I think if I can talk my family into going to church then we will do that. At least we can dedicate one day of our lives to Jesus. We'll see... Sometimes I feel like I am just one big hyprocrite when it comes to church and all. I hate to feel like this. I remember at one time every Sunday I made it a point to go to Sunday Mass, now its like I cant be bothered and that is a damm shame. Had it not been for the the Lord I would not have been blessed with all that I have now!

I am so angry and upset at alot of people now. I have so many things bottled up inside because I do not want to hurt anyones feelings. Half of these things I can no longer feel free to write about in my journal because who knows now how many of my family and friends know about my journal. I have recently discovered that another one of my family members has found my journal...Its not that I want to talk about them its just that there are somethings that happen in your life that you dont want even your closest friends to know. Since I started this journal I have written freely. Now I feel so inhibited. Should I go private?? Nah I dont think I will for the fact that when I started this journal I meant for people all over the world to have access to it. I wanted to hear different peoples opinions and advice. I liked the fact that a person could just one day stumble upon my journal and read it and say" Wow I can relate to what this lady is going through. Like I myself have done many times with other peoples journals. So I will not take that away from myself.

Well I have went on and on. I will end here..... Dont worry with the way I am feeling I will be back soon. Thanks to those who could keep their eyes open long enough to read this entry LOL

OOOOOO by the way right now that I am fnishing my entry my mother calls and says Open the door for your son...SO they brought him home today after all! I guess they wanted to aggravate my life today! Well this is my life anyone want to trade??

Goodnight all and take care of yourselves!

I am a slacker, But I have an excuse I'm sick!!

2007-04-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends ..I know I have been promising an entry and each time I hav broken my promise. I apologize for breaking it, this is not the way that I am but I havent been feeling well for awhile.

I have this damm headache that wont seem to go away. It bothers me a lot. I think maybe I need glasses or something. I have to go get a full physical.

This weekend was pretty relaxing. My friend invited me and my children to spend the weekend over at her house.. She came and picked us up on Saturday. It was soo relaxng! Se lives in Long Island ..It is soo quiet over there. She has a big house with a big backyard. You know what that means right ?? Enough space for the kids to be out of my hair LOL..They had a great time. We took them out for dinner at Chili's restauarant. It was the first time my brats ate all of their food. Usually they just pick but I was amazed that they all ate what they ordered. It wasn't even that expensive. For 7 people the bill only came out to 70.00$. I wanted to beat my friends behind because when it came time to pay she wouldnt let me pay at all!! She said consider it a late xmas present. I felt so bad because I know that things are tight since they just bought the house about a yr ago. No matter what I said though she wouldnt take my money. I told her fine, next time dinner is on me.!

After that we went home and started to watch Happy Feet. That movie is soo cute. We also seen the movie The Pursuit of Happiness, with Will Smith and is real son. It was very good. I was just disapointed because I wanted to see more of the ending like what he did when he finally got the job he always wanted.

I am so aggravated and frustrated right now... LOL do the two words mean the same thing?? Anyway today I had to make a trip downtown to go to the Keyspan main office. Keyspan is the company that supplies us with gas. Anyway the other day I recieve a notice saying that the City Marshall is going to come on Tuesday April 3rd to reposses the meter. I am like WTF?? Come t find out that the bill hasnt been paid for going on 2 yrs... Since I moved in here. Why you ask. Well I applied for this program that pays the gas bill for you. I was approved and they were paying it for me at my old apartment. So naturally when I moved here I switched everything to this apartment. I thought everything was fine. UNTIL NOW....Keyspan has not received one payment in all this time. The bill is now 475.00$. I called up Keyspan and explained my situation. They told me that they couldnt do anything for me since it was now in the marshalls hands. They gave me the number to the Marshall. I called ... He asked me how much money I had. I said Well nothing..He said nothing?? Well you need to at least pay 15% by Monday.(It was Friday) I was like..Damm Well I am going to try and do that. He was like Well the Marshall is going to come rain or shine Tuesday if you dont pay.

So here we are on Monday. I went to the office. It was a freaking nightmare. I had the biggest headache, I also had to bring the 3 brats with me. They thought it was playtime .. I had to dicipline them right there. I had to wait on 3 seperate lines to eventually end up paying at the first line I waited on. I had to pay 71.29$. Lucky thing I had some money saved in the bank. Now I am back to being broke. Benji's Income Tax check still has not come yet. We are at the ending of March. I now owe March's rent plus now April's. All because we are waiting on this damm check. I am about to lose my mind if it doesnt come soon. The good thing is that my landlady is in Israel so she hasnt been hassling me about the rent. She comes back next week and I am sure if I dont have it by then she will put the pressure on.

I have finally spoken with mother in law. Not because I wanted to but because she came by the other day. I opened the door and I called out to Ben that his mom was here. She said "Well I am not here to see Ben , I am here to see you. So she sat there and started talking about her job, and everything else besides the issue between us. I just nodded and put on a fake smile. Finally she must have felt uncomfortable. She got up and said she had some magazines for us in her house. So she went down and got them. She came back up and proceeded to talk to me. I brought up the topic about the garbage and she was like Yea you know I havent been recycling and I said Yea I know. Deep down inside what I really wanted to do was cuss her out. She stood here all of 15 mins and then left ..without even apologizing. I told Ben that is why I didnt even want to see her because I knew that if I wasnt in a bad mood when she came that I wouldnt say anything to her and then she would act like nothing ever happened. Which is exactly what ended up happening. Now she got away with acting like a B&^$#. What a life huh?

I am still dealing with the bullshit that my neighbors are dishing out, but you know what now I am treating them exactly the way they act with me. I think one of my neighbors was upset that I didnt get her daughter a birthday gift. Her daughters birthday was last week. She had told me about it and in fact the day before the birthday she had come down to my house very early in the morning to tell me that they had the Nintendo DS games on sale at Target. She wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. I told her that I couldnt because I had the kids and I wasnt feeling well. So she was like Ok. I think she wanted me to go with her so that I could pick up a game for the lil girl. Anyway the next day the lil girl rang my bell and I told her Happy Birthday. My intentions were to go and get her something, but with the way things are so tight I couldnt come up with extra money. I felt bad but there was nothing that I could do. Anyway that same night the mother had an attitude with me. I was outside doing the garbage and she came out and did not say one word to me. She looked around then went back in and closed the door. I was like WTF. This got me upset because why was she acting like this?? So of course I was hurt but I didnt say a word. Ever since that day she has been acting like this. So now I am doing the same. Its funnny how some people can just up and change just like that. Its not that I dont want to give her anything its just that right now I can not afford it. She knows how things are with us. Ohhh well I guess you can never know who your real friends are. My problem is that I want to befriend everyone. Who knows if they really wanted to be my friend. Boy I am reading this while I write and it sounds like first grade all over again LOL...

The Kiddies are fine..They have about a week and half off for Easter vacation and Spring Break. OMG I know they are going to drive me nutso. The baby is also going to be here at 7am tomorrow. So that means 4 brats to look after hehehehehe. I dont even know what we are going to do for Easter Sunday. Back where we used to live I used to take the kids to church but over here I havent found a Catholic church yet.

Another thing that has me stressed out is that my middle son's father has not seen or given him anything in over 2 mths. He keeps on saying that he is going to come and pick him up and drop off money and he never shows. I am so sick of dealing with this crap. I just want to tell him to F^$& off but of course I cant do that because my son wants to be around his Dad. I never ask this man for anything. You would think that now that he has gotten his Income Tax he would come and drop him off something. I dont care if he doesnt give me money in my hands. He can go to the stores and buy him the stuff I dont care, but he does neither. What should I become a B%$& and hassle him every day, or worse should I take him to child support. It seems you're damned if you do and you're damned if you dont.

My son's stepmother has been calling me like crazy. She wants to come pick my son up. She says her daughter wants to see her brother. Its a damm shame that his wife (who he is not even with right now) is calling for his son and he isnt. So I let her come and get him today. A lot of people do not understand the relationship her and I have. They think its crazy that we get along so well. Being that her man cheated on her and conceived a child with me. Well I didnt know that he was with her and when I did find out about her I respected their relationship and left him alone. Never once after that have he and I messed around. I do not have feelings for him other than the fact that he is my childs dad. She knows that she can trust me and I know that I can trust her with my son. She loves him like if he were her own, very rare! I have even babysitted her daughter while she worked. I think you have to be very mature to have this type of understanding. Anyway what I wanted to say was that its a damm shame that this idiot cant appreciate the wife he has and instead is with another female who also has a child from him. WOW some men have no freaking respect for the female population!!!

Anyway this is it for today. A BIG HUG TO ALL MY FRIENDS!!! Just because I havent written in my journal doesnt mean that I havent been reading yours. I have been commenting every now and then. Hope you guys havent forgotten me LOL.... I will be back again....

Goodnight all and Take Care.....

I got this from I'm bored arent you... Girly Survey

2007-03-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

What color is your bra?
tan..last time I checked

Hair, up or down?
Right now??? UP

Do you straighten your hair?
I did the other day at the salon, think I will do it once a week now CUZ I like it LOL

Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
No not at all I am fine with the size they are now though I wish I could have them perky like they were before the kiddie era LOL

Whats your favorite girly magazine?
Not really a fan of girly magazines, they're too damned expensive for this chick LOL

What is your Favorite mascara?
Which ever one is cheap and affordable

Small or large bag?
Small, even though I've always wanted a large one, but I havent found the right one

In your bag, what are your must haves?
My wallet, and umm my lip gloss, my keys, and ummm maybe some candy

Secret fetish?
I dont know ..HONEST !!! LOL

Jeans or skirts?
Jeans for the simple fact that I own no skirts..what a shame right??

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
Nope if its not comfy why wear it??

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
Not all day LOL or all night for that matter but I did spend like 3-4 hrs getting ready..

What's your favorite color?
Burgundy, Yellow and Lavender

Do you consider yourself girly?
most of the time

Heels or Flats?
Def flats or sneakers

Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Of course ..it doesnt even have to be romanttic either LOL I am a wuss I cry for anything

Would you leave the house without makeup on? Yes I have .... I dont have time to worry about makeup and all that stuff... though I willl put on some lipgloss

Do you consider yourself to be unladylike?
Yes I fart and Belch like a man LOL Hey it sais answer honestly

Do you think lipgloss is the best?
YESSSS!!! A necessity!!

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
Sometimes but not for too long because they tend to give repeats

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
1/2 hour if I am going nowhere special

Accessories make the outfit: true or false:
I dont know I never accesorize(SP)

Do you often wish there was something about you you could change? my height my hair and my weight, ooo wait also my complexion LOL I wish I had a nice tan

Gold or silver?
Either one is fine with me

Do you dress up much for holidays?
No But if I had the money to spend for dressy clothes I would dress up..

Do you like to wear dresses?
Yes but I dont own any

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
When I was younger I did but ever since I had kids my talent have faded away lol

On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
I would have to SAY 10

In the past 24 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Yea Ben and my 2 boys