Changes

Goodness I am in such a lazy mood and I can't seem to shake out of it. I hate when I get like this because there are so many things that need to be done. I sit here ..bitch, whine and complain about how I hate the way things are but I don't get my ass up and do it. I mean Yea I clean my house, Yea I take care of the kids and make sure they are ready for school and stuff but other than that I don't want to do anything else. This kind of mood sucks...I just feel like slapping myself across the face and saying Wake the F#@*& up! I cant sit here and feel sorry for myself. My plate is not as full as it used to be. I dont work right now..... the kids are in school (not home driving me crazy) So what the hell is my excuse??? Can I admit that I am getting lazy? Or do I just blame it on the fact that I do not get enough sleep..... Well maybe its a combination of both. Either way I have to get shit done, otherwise my household is going to fall apart.

I can blame this mood on my depression, Depressed because there is never enough money, Depressed because Ben and I have fallen into a pattern. Yea we love each other, Yea we are comfortable with each other.... I love being with him, around him, and I think he feels the same way, but when we are together it seems like we just waste our time doing things that have nothing to do with one another... Like me being here on the computer or him watching sports or playing a video game. By the time I'm off the computer he is asleep and that's it tomorrow is another day. Depressed for so many reasons, but then again more Depressed because it seems like the solutions for all these reasons are so far out of reach. Does this make sense or am I just rambling??

 

This is soo stupid!! Why the hell am I so depressed when there are others in this world who have it worse than I do? I have a loving man who will go to the end of the world to make me happy(even though he will curse me out the entire way lol) I have 3 beautiful children who so far have been given all that they need plus many luxuries other children do not have. I have a roof over my head , though it may be small is in great condition with no termites or rodents. I have enough food in my refrigerator so that my children never go to bed hungry. I have a man who does not complain about me not working right now, instead he just works a lil harder to make sure that he can provide for us. I have a family who at times can be annoying but are always there when I really need a helping hand. I do not have best friends in this world but I have faith that no matter what I have the Lord. So then why the hell am I soo sad?? Why the hell do I want more?? Will I ever be satisfied?? And tell me why it is that at times I can be so envious of another person for the things they have that I do not.... Envy is a sin. I know this.... so what can I do to stop myself from sinning? ...These are rhetorical questions and I don't expect you guys to answer them for me..... I am just being honest here..maybe seeing it written down will help me change.

Speaking of change.... Do I need to change... or should I just realize that this is a part of life... These are normal feelings and emotions . I mean I am not a bad person. I do not lie( I have done so in the past and I have felt so guilty that it is not worth it) I do not cheat...steal. I treat others with respect even when I don't get respect in return. I will go out of my way to help you even if it means that by doing so will make my life harder. So should I just accept the good qualities that I do have and forget about the ones that I dont want to have.... because after all I am just human, and by being human means that I am not perfect. I have yet to meet another human being who is perfect. We have all have our faults and have done things in the past that we aren't proud of but does this make us bad people..... I dont think so.... Why is it that we put so much pressure on ourselves to be what society says we have to be. Who says that having a lot of money to afford a house and 2 cars makes us better people. Society portrays this as the perfect life, Everywhere you go, you are accepted for your financial status..... Why??? Because society says money makes us better people?? Just because you went to college and got a masters, makes you better than others who didn't?  Just because you have a job with a title makes you better than the next person who is just considered a  salesman?? Just because you were born into money and never had to work a day in your life make you better than a hardworking person?? Just because you were born with a talent to sing or act makes you better than someone who just has a talent for being a mom or dad???  Its all a crock of bullshit! Why do we look up to all these people who have money ?? Why do we strive to be them when we should just accept ourselves for being US....

 

I am so tired of people showing off because at the moment they are on top. Well if you are on top of the world then why not get your ass off that high pedestal you put yourself on and help others who aren't in your standards.In one way or another we are all working to achieve something, and whether or not that work brings you a little or a lot should not matter.

Wow I went a little further than I meant to on this topic..... I dont know if there are some of you who can understand what I am trying to say or understand why I feel this way, I have been turned away many times because I dont have expensive clothing, or because I dont live in a white(good neighborhood) neighborhood. There are so many people who knock others even for being on welfare when in fact maybe their mother, aunts or grandmother were on it.  I hate it! Let me deal with the things I have to change about myself, even though maybe its not me that has anything to change.      

I am not going to lie I myself have judged another person many times..... Do I like myself for it..?? Hell No... Is this is who I am or should I say who I am going to be?? Hell No.... I will work on myself until I am no longer  so insecure that I feel the need to judge others. How am I going to do this... I don't know yet but I will find out.

 

I look at myself in the mirror every day, Am I happy with what I see ...No.... Who am I? Who do I want to be?? I am not pretty enough, Skinny enough, I dont have that long straight hair, I dont have that pefect tan, Is it anyone else's fault that I see myself like this??? No ...It is me.... Why do I forget that to my children and my man I am the most beautiful person in the world? Why does it matter to me so much what others think about me??. Why do I not realize that what makes me ugly is my low self esteem and my lack of confidence. What is it that  makes us feel this way?. Why is it that there are some people that no matter what is wrong with them or their lives, they are so confident and believe in themselves?? Where and what is the answer/??? I applaud those have gone through so many trials and tribulations and still have the strength to wake up each morning with a bright smile and a positive attitude. It should be these people that I envy. Instead I envy the ones who are just like me, who think that money, and status means everything. Do we not realize that we are the ones who damaging our children, the next generation. What will this world come to. Values, morals, and  respect have all gone out the window. Instead we are left with greed, envy, and hatred for one another... That is a sad and scary thought!

 

I do not even know how to end this entry because there is no ending for me until I accept who I am.

But alas I have to go, now that I poured out my heart maybe I have it in me to do what it is I need to do....

Hope all my friends are doing well, A big hug to you all! :)

Goodbye and Take care of Yourselves until next time ....